Attending her grave and what to do

I am so sorry for both you and your SIL and I really understand both your points of view.

Could you afford to pay a gardener or groundsman at the cemetary to keep your daughter's grave looking nice?

Or could you and your SIL agree that you put down a layer of gravel and plant a shrub or two, so that the grave does not look utterly neglected until he can face going there - if indeed he ever can? An evergreen of some kind and either paving or gravel will make the site look more cared for.

If none of these suggestions work for you, try to accept that your daughter's ashes are where she wanted them to be, and if you have a garden or a small courtyard plant some of her favourite flowers there and make it a memorial corner to her.

If you don't have a suitable outdoor area of your own, go to a park or woodland area near your home and find a tree or bush you like and call it "hers" in your mind.

Motherduck My husband died some years ago and my daughter and I had a plaque with a rose bush planted. When my daughter got married a few years later I rang the crematorium and asked if it was possible for them to pick a couple of roses from the bush and send them to me. They did and I was able to dry them out. When my daughter received this on her wedding day she could not believe it and was able to walk down the aisle with the roses as if her dad was with her. What I am saying is if you had a rose bush planted near your daughter the same thing could be done for you in the summer when the rose is at its best. I found the staff at the crematorium so helpful and obliging. We live 250 miles away.

It's by no mean the same as motherduck's loss, but my parents died n 2000, my grandparents in 1966 and 1981. Despite the passage of so many years it is important to me that their graves are tended. It is very sad to see other nearby graves utterly neglected and overgrown, as the church only mows pathways through the grass in the churchyard, not the grass on the graves. Some graves have no headstones and there is nothing but an overgrown space to indicate that someone's loved one is buried there. Now that I have moved away I have to pay a grave maintenance company but the photos they send me each month give me comfort that the world can see my people are not forgotten. I completely understand motherduck's need to see her daughter's grave tended. To some people it is of no importance but I would respectfully suggest that on this thread they might be better keeping those feelings to themselves.

Motherduck, I am so very sorry your darling daughter died, leaving a tiny baby, can life be any crueler. I well understand how you feel seeing her grave neglected. Any mother would feel the same. However, this is the important bit, your daughters wished were followed, so you can’t really override what she wanted. When you are able, when the stone is in place, perhaps could you do as someone suggested, plant either wild flowers seeds that flower in the summer , some bulbs that flower through spring, then in the autumn when you go to tidy the grave up, put a little winter plant on it. That way twice a year would keep the grave tidy with flowers on it,I would not ask for the ashes to be moved as that is not what your daughter wanted. I cannot imagine your pain, losing my husband was awful, it was as if half of me had gone, I got used to living with it, he is always in my heart. You need to focus on getting strong and seeing your little granddaughter, that is what your daughter would really want, she is a big part of your daughter. A loved one really is always with you, in time we do smile and find pleasure in life, inside we sometimes are crying but we try to focus on the living, my father remarried within 6 months, big mistake, men in general find it harder coping alone.
To anyone coping with the loss of a child at any age my thoughts are with you, it must be almost unbearable, but you must go on for those that you lost, that’s what that’s what they would have wanted for you. I wonder if you could put a plaque of Remembrance in your local church grounds, or perhaps a bench dedicated to her.

I fully understand how motherduck feels. I live few doors away from a church/graveyard and occasionally pop in to pay my respects. I noticed that the new graves have flowers on them. But, the older ones look so forlorn and neglected. It’s heartbreaking. Life goes on, I guess. But life never goes on for a Mother, who has lost her child. For you motherduck

Geekesse you may find graves and ashes depressing and you are entitled to that opinion, but others find some tiny comfort in what is a terrible tragedy. Clearly this distressed and bereaved mother feels differently about her brave and much loved so young daughter.
We arent the same, and your post really was thoughtless and cruel in the circumstances.

Mother duck and a hug x

geekesse

I find graves and ashes plots profoundly depressing. To think that a person I loved, whose body was once alive with warmth, with whom I’d shared lovemaking and cuddles, who sang and moved and whispered, is dead and gone and covered with cold wet earth - it is unutterably cruel. So I absolutely understand why your SiL can’t face it. He’s (presumably) a young man - he may want to live and laugh and love again, not wallow in regular reminders of what he has lost. The OP has her own grief and has to deal with that, but he has not done her or her daughter any wrong.

The poor lass is gone. What is in the ground are her remains only, the leftover products of a body that no longer exists. It’s sad, so, so sad that she died young, but no amount of flowers or tending a plot can change that. Clinging on to a patch of soil as if it’s a token of the girl who is gone is not necessary.

I do find your words harsh and insensitive.
1) ‘Clinging to a patch of soil as if it’s the token of the girl who is gone is not necessary’
I will be the judge of that, I will honour her resting place until I die, she’s my DAUGHTER!! Clinging on to a patch of soil?
2. I don’t want my SIL to wallow in reminders of what he has lost. I want him to be happy, because if he’s happy my grandson will be happy. Believe me I know this from personal experience as I was widowed when my children were very young.
I simply want her plot to appear cared about, a bunch of flowers as opposed to a patch of overgrown grass surrounded by other gravestones with flowers (and yes balloons tributes and so on). A simple bunch of flowers that his relative could have taken on his behalf.

I lost a childhood friend three years ago and still miss her so much. There was no question of me having any of her ashes as she had a daughter and five siblings but I have a small area at the bottom of the garden next to a seat. I planted some forget-me-nots and put annuals in every year and my daughter-in-law has painted some pebbles I collected with her name, RIP, dates of her birth and death and decorated them with pretty flowers. I like to go down there and think of her and the good times we shared. Perhaps you could do something like that to spare yourself the journey and the upset. Am I right in thinking the ashes have already been interred so you can't have any of them?

motherduck my eyes have filled with tears reading your story. You must be heartbroken, I’m so very sorry this has happened to you. I truly do not know what the best thing to do is, except maybe talk it over with your SiL. Maybe he would be happier if you moved the grave to be nearer to you. I think you need to talk to him about it all. I hope you’re able to see your baby grandson regularly too since I think that will be some help as you grieve for your daughter.

Shelflife

Motherduck, I can only imagine the grief of losing a precious child. Your pain must be immense , my heart goes out to you. I can ' see' you are in a very difficult situation indeed. I also see how you are a very reasonable woman and you do understand how people deal with the death of a loved one in their own ways. Visiting a grave is not for everyone but clearly it is very important to you. Planting bulbs is a lovely idea but I understand how that may not satisfy your needs. You will love your daughter forever , and tending her grave fulfils your nurturing instinct - you will aways be her mother. You seem a diplomatic woman and if you broach the subject as wisely as possible you may get the response you want so much. If not , you have lost nothing. If your SIL can't bear the thought of moving her then I sincerely hope your distress is eased a little in the knowledge that you tried. In that situation do remember your daughter would never have wanted you to be so distressed about this so I hope that in her honour you are able to accept a situation you are not happy with. You are mourning the loss of your dear dear child and it is still early days , the pain of that loss will always be with you but I do hope you arrive at a point where you can manage it. Your daughter loved you dearly , keep that knowledge locked in your heart, enjoy your life for her - it is what she wants for you. I send good wishes and warm hugs????. Thinking about you .

Shelf life, thank you very much for your kindness and your insight, I appreciate it xx

Thank you Miss Adventure xx

Motherduck, I can only imagine the grief of losing a precious child. Your pain must be immense , my heart goes out to you. I can ' see' you are in a very difficult situation indeed. I also see how you are a very reasonable woman and you do understand how people deal with the death of a loved one in their own ways. Visiting a grave is not for everyone but clearly it is very important to you. Planting bulbs is a lovely idea but I understand how that may not satisfy your needs. You will love your daughter forever , and tending her grave fulfils your nurturing instinct - you will aways be her mother. You seem a diplomatic woman and if you broach the subject as wisely as possible you may get the response you want so much. If not , you have lost nothing. If your SIL can't bear the thought of moving her then I sincerely hope your distress is eased a little in the knowledge that you tried. In that situation do remember your daughter would never have wanted you to be so distressed about this so I hope that in her honour you are able to accept a situation you are not happy with. You are mourning the loss of your dear dear child and it is still early days , the pain of that loss will always be with you but I do hope you arrive at a point where you can manage it. Your daughter loved you dearly , keep that knowledge locked in your heart, enjoy your life for her - it is what she wants for you. I send good wishes and warm hugs????. Thinking about you .

I agree totally with „ Aggie“very well said

I'm so sorry for your sadness motherduck.
Maybe plant some forgetmenots on the grave and in your garden. I love them and see them growing wild all around my neighbourhood, so pretty and meaningful.

Let us not criticize the young widower because he has kept living and moving forward. OP says he removed pictures? He is the one who has to raise his child alone and deal with all that in the house where he lived with his wife. If he chooses not to live in a shrine to her that is perfectly understandable and at any rate it is not our place to criticize. As the father of a young child he can not afford to wallow in grief and he has had to function as a parent without any break or retreat. However he makes it through the days and nights is his business and no one else’s.

If the only way you will find any comfort is to ask SIL about moving your DD's ashes then ask him, your words and reasoning need to be planned very carefully though as ultimately, once your daughter married, he then became her priority in every sense. Yes she was your daughter and always will be but couples make their own decisions and unfortunately you automatically take a back seat in everything.

Have you considered how will you feel if SIL takes real offence to what you're suggesting, and you lose even more than you've already lost - that would be even worse.

I would suggest having a special area in your garden dedicated to your daughter, have a plaque made and plant bulbs etc. You could bury something special that belonged to your daughter (in an appropriate container) as a way of replicating her grave. I know it's nowhere near the solution you would choose but you will have created your own special grave for her exactly how you want it and no-one can ever neglect or interfere with it.

Please don't take anything I've said as being unkind or incompassionate, it's such a difficult situation that needs an enormous amount of thought and one wrong word or move could end up making a bad situation much worse xx

So, to me, a bunch of daffs seems very reasonable, so soon after losing a child.

I belong to a bereaved parents group, and the things they do boggle my brain.
Teddy bears stuffed with their children's ashes - they post pics saying "me and (insert name) having a cuddle", and its them with the teddy bear.

All gathering in a field singing and letting off balloons because it's someone's 'heavenly birthday'.
I find it totally bizarre, but if it comforts them, well, that's good.

It's necessary for some.
It's all very well everyone telling about their own views and what they have done.

I find graves and ashes plots profoundly depressing. To think that a person I loved, whose body was once alive with warmth, with whom I’d shared lovemaking and cuddles, who sang and moved and whispered, is dead and gone and covered with cold wet earth - it is unutterably cruel. So I absolutely understand why your SiL can’t face it. He’s (presumably) a young man - he may want to live and laugh and love again, not wallow in regular reminders of what he has lost. The OP has her own grief and has to deal with that, but he has not done her or her daughter any wrong.

The poor lass is gone. What is in the ground are her remains only, the leftover products of a body that no longer exists. It’s sad, so, so sad that she died young, but no amount of flowers or tending a plot can change that. Clinging on to a patch of soil as if it’s a token of the girl who is gone is not necessary.

Barmeyoldbat

A good post Paddyanne and it describes my thoughts exactly. As I said my died 4 weeks ago, it was not by any means an easy death, I sat with her in hospital holding her hand for nearly all that time and I had to make a decision no mother should have to make and that is to stop all treatment. She is gone but will be at peace with her husband, and that’s all I need. Her poor husband is trying to come to terms with her death in the only way he knows and maybe your daughter gave her blessing to a new relationship before she went knowing how hard it would be him. I hope you leave her ashes where she wanted to be and that you find some other way to come to terms with your grief.

I’m sorry for your loss Barmeyoldbat. ?. My daughter did indeed have the conversation that SIL must make a new life for himself and be happy. No maybe’s about it. Believe me I know enough about grief to last me a lifetime having been widowed and losing my daughter, and so forgive me I take exception to the cliche ‘coming to terms with my grief’
SIL’s new relationship and my Daughters wish that he finds happiness again doesn’t quite make it ok for her grave to be left without so much as a bunch of daffodils. Yes I’m grieving, this is a separate issue.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss Barmeyoldbat ,I think these first weeks are the hardest and there will come a point when you realise that letting her go by stopping treatment was the best thing you could do for her.
None of us want to keep our loved ones with us if it means they are in constant pain and haven't got any hope of a normal life.Difficult decisions are the ones that show us who we are ,it takes a huge amount of courage to make one of that magnitude.I'm more than sure your girl knows and appreciates what you had to do. I hope you too can find some peace in time to come xx

So very sorry for your great loss Barmeyoldbat.?

We have a special stone in our churchyard erected for just this purpose.
People who have passed away and are buried elsewhere or cremated are named by their relatives and there are flower pots some have photos.
If you can afford it why not have a simple stone put in the cemetery nearest to you. Have your daughters' photo put on and a simple message naming her as your daughter.
If her husband is young like unfortunately she was he will need to move on.
My deepest sympathy.

A good post Paddyanne and it describes my thoughts exactly. As I said my died 4 weeks ago, it was not by any means an easy death, I sat with her in hospital holding her hand for nearly all that time and I had to make a decision no mother should have to make and that is to stop all treatment. She is gone but will be at peace with her husband, and that’s all I need. Her poor husband is trying to come to terms with her death in the only way he knows and maybe your daughter gave her blessing to a new relationship before she went knowing how hard it would be him. I hope you leave her ashes where she wanted to be and that you find some other way to come to terms with your grief.