Recently widowed and suffering with loneliness

I have tried to re-engage with my former activities but e.g. arthritic hands and poor eyesight have scuppered my crochet and knitting skills and increasing deafness makes it hard to participate in meetings in person and particularly on line.

I think the only way forward is to accept that my helping and giving days have passed and the best contribution I can make to society is to accept help and concern graciously, thereby giving other, younger or more 'with it' people opportunities to be compassionate and helpful.

Marilyn and Granny23 sending my best wishes to you both and to all who struggle in difficult times. A day at a time.

My thoughts are with you Isummer I was in exactly the same position with my DH this time last year. It is awful watching the person you love so much fade away before your eyes.
A year on I am trying to focus on all the happy times we had together but I miss him more each day.
Like Whiff I have joined a craft group and made new friends in a similar situation, this helps because unless people have been there it’s hard for them to understand just how you feel. Accept any kind offers of help from friends & family and look after yourself.
Sending you big hugs

It will be three years this month since DH died. I am lucky in that my son and grandson are living with me, my daughter and her family are only 10 minutes away and I have two very close friends who I have known since school. Life goes on but it doesn't overcome the fact that there is no one as close as he was. I even miss the arguments because they were just a sign of how well we knew each other. It seems very unfair that he came from a long lived family with everyone living into their 80s and 90s and he was only 71, but I keep those thoughts for when I really miss him.

There are some lovely posts on here, thank you to all of you for putting a lot of my thoughts into words. I am nearly 6 years down the line after 53 years of marriage, but it still hits me every now and then. One of the times is when I can`t think of someone`s name or a certain happening, and I turn to ask my hubby, but he`s not there.

Deedaa.
I feel the same. My husband was 73 when he died suddenly. Both his parents were 89 and his grandparents were in their mid 80s. It does seem so unfair.
On the other hand, he didn't suffer a long drawn out illness nor did he become frail and lose his mental faculties.
He was my dearest man to the end.

There are some heartfelt posts on here so I hesitated about writing this but Whiff has made some suggestions so here goes. My husband belongs to a bowling club and they have been recruiting new members. One man lost his wife a few months ago and was so pleased to join the club.

We had a social evening and it was the first time he had been out to anything like that since his wife died. It was a very friendly evening and he seemed to enjoy it.

Granny have you contacted the deaf society. You say you are hard of hearing I am sure they could help you . Please don't give up on things just because you can't do things a certain way or hear very well. There is always something you can do. And you can still be helpful and live a fulfilling life. But you need to reach out to people. Help is there you need to ask .

I don't know how old you are but I was 45 when I was widowed and with my husband since I was 16. All my life I have had problems with my limbs and fell a lot. I got worse 34 years ago and couldn't do some things but my brilliant husband just said we alter our life to suit what you can do. Our children where 4 and 6 months. So we could still go out as a family because my walking was so bad I used a wheelchair. Never realised how dangerous it was for wheelchair users and children in buggies. In 1988 smoking was still allowed in shops and malls.

Years of tests and seeing all the top neurologists . I only had my diagnosis in April I am 64. And I was born with it and it's rare. My new neurologist had my blood genetically tested and finally knew what wrong with me.

What I am trying to say in my long winded way. No matter how old you get or what limitations your body places on you there is always something you can do. If I let my body stop me doing things I wouldn't do anything.

Don't give up trying to do things . You just have to adapt. It's not easy but we only have one life and we need to live it to the full .

My husband was always fit and healthy but it was him that died not me. And I owe it to him to live the best life I can.

Whiff

Granny have you contacted the deaf society. You say you are hard of hearing I am sure they could help you . Please don't give up on things just because you can't do things a certain way or hear very well. There is always something you can do. And you can still be helpful and live a fulfilling life. But you need to reach out to people. Help is there you need to ask .

I don't know how old you are but I was 45 when I was widowed and with my husband since I was 16. All my life I have had problems with my limbs and fell a lot. I got worse 34 years ago and couldn't do some things but my brilliant husband just said we alter our life to suit what you can do. Our children where 4 and 6 months. So we could still go out as a family because my walking was so bad I used a wheelchair. Never realised how dangerous it was for wheelchair users and children in buggies. In 1988 smoking was still allowed in shops and malls.

Years of tests and seeing all the top neurologists . I only had my diagnosis in April I am 64. And I was born with it and it's rare. My new neurologist had my blood genetically tested and finally knew what wrong with me.

What I am trying to say in my long winded way. No matter how old you get or what limitations your body places on you there is always something you can do. If I let my body stop me doing things I wouldn't do anything.

Don't give up trying to do things . You just have to adapt. It's not easy but we only have one life and we need to live it to the full .

My husband was always fit and healthy but it was him that died not me. And I owe it to him to live the best life I can.

I have to add a comment to your post. How inspiring and positive and I want to share this with you. X

Serendipity thank you that brought tears to my eyes. ?

Whiff

Serendipity thank you that brought tears to my eyes. ?

X

Serendipity would you mind is I put this on the estrangement thread I am on as I find it so inspiring. But I won't if you don't want me to.

Whiff

Serendipity would you mind is I put this on the estrangement thread I am on as I find it so inspiring. But I won't if you don't want me to.

Absolutely no problem whatsoever...

It is very uplifting and so positive. X

Thank you I will post it now. It will give everyone a lift as some are having a hard time at the moment. X

Serendipity people loved your bed reminders thank you for them. ?

Oh Ladies you are summing me up.My best friend and husband of 55 years died 5 weeks ago I am lost, lonely and so sad. My birth children although living away have been so supportive, we also have 4 adopted children 3 with Down Syndrome, all adults but living at home and 1 aged 17 with complex health needs, sadly she has had to go into residential care, nearly 250 miles away. I feel so sad, guilty and lost. The other 3 are delightful but I am so grumpy with them as I miss my soulmate so much. I think they understand but I feel so horrid. Thankyou for reading and have taken on board your previous advice, and will make more effort’

Fartooold don't feel guilty you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have children which are totally dependent on you and because of that you can't grieve properly. 5 weeks and all that time you have had to put them first. You haven't had any time to yourself let yourself grieve.

In my experience losing the other half of of yourself is a pain like no other. It's been 18 years for me and still I am missing half of me. But that's ok . I was lucky I had a wonderful man in my life for 29 years.

For you it's far worse you had your husband for 55 years. He was there for you and your children. Because of your children living at home and they have downs it's harder. You are having to hide how you feel as they must be lost and not fully understand their dad is never going to be there ever again.

I found grief all consuming . I knew some of the things I would feel but the rage and anger I felt shocked me and felt wicked but realised it's all part of the grief. And I had to let myself feel all the emotions. My usual advice to widows is don't fight your emotions cry,scream, shout hit a pillow if you want to but for you for you it's different.

You are not being grumpy you are grieving. Can your other children take their siblings out for a day a week and give you time to yourself. A time where you can let go and let the grief wash over you. Since my husband died what has given me comfort is I talk to him out loud everyday. I know you can't do that with the children about. But perhaps after they have gone to bed you can. I have shouted and swore at my husband for leaving me but I then see him standing there with that stupid grin on his face and I feel better.

I had an uncle with downs he idolised my dad but when he was told dad had died he went down hill and died exactly 2 months after my dad. But my uncle was born in 1950 and it wasn't until he was 50 they found out he was born with a hole in his heart. He was 57 when he died.

Your children must be a lot younger as you say the 17 year old is in a home. I have a friend her eldest daughter has downs and lives very happily in a home 200 miles away. She said the guilt putting her into the home was crippling but it's what she needed and is very well looked after and visits regularly and she comes to stay with her 4 times a year.

Do you have support from the Downs charity?

5 weeks not only are you dealing with your grief but those of all your children plus sorting out all the legal things that have to be done. Hopefully your older children can help you with that .

My children where 20 and 16 when their dad died and I know how hard it was for them especially as we knew from 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years he lived 3.

For all your children especially the ones with downs at home it's must be bewildering. It is hard enough on all your other children but for them it's harder.

Do you have someone to talk to a friend or relative that you can say how you really feel and cry your heart out and they hold you? I hope you do as it's what you need.

I hope I have said something to help but unfortunately I am not in your position. But greatly admire you and your husband for adopting 4 children as well as have your birth children. Taking on 3 children with downs shows what loving parents you are.

Here is a safe place where you can voice how you feel and know you will be responded to and understood. So post when you feel the need . ?

I have had a double whammy. Last September, my darling “baby” son died alone, very suddenly. I thought life could hardly get worse.
Last month, my DH of 45 years died of metastatic cancer. In his case, we had a bit of notice, he was very ill for four months before he slipped away. He died at home as I had promised him.
My problem is that not only am I rattling around in our house on my own, and my income has halved, but my remaining children live very far away, one at the other end of the country, the other in India. I shall have to move house very soon, before I lose my mobility or marbles or both.
The worst thing is that DH was only 77, I’m 74, and my family live well into their 90s. I hate the idea of living another 20 years on my own. To me, that is the most troubling.
Every person cope their own way, but it’s horrible isn’t it? ❤️

grandmattie grief is like living in a state of overwhelm especially as you have had two losses in the last year .
It takes time to adjust . It takes time for the heartbreak to heal .
Find people that help you process your grief .
I know I’ve been through it something I never ever thought would happen to me .
Stay safe ?

People say that time heals but I am not so sure. It certainly helps as regards the initial raw grief, and time gives you the chance to find a new pattern to your life; but that sense of having half of you ripped away has not left me in the last 2.5 years.

And it is so hard that society is set up for coupledom. I sometimes feel as though I am soldiering on in a life I did not choose, whilst watching others live real lives.

Well said Luckygirl3

The hardest thing for me at the moment is not being first with anyone. Good as children, friends and neighbours are I am nobody’s prime consideration and it hurts more than I could ever imagine. Like Luckygirl I feel I am on the sidelines of other people’s lives. Will this change? I doubt it.

Have you looked at WayUp? It is a national organisation with local groups who meet for lunch, go on trips etc. Different groups arrange different events.

I was reluctant to join, thinking it would involve sitting around talking about how unhappy they are. It is not like that at all. The group I belong to is friendly and supportive. We “put the world to rights” over a monthly lunch at a local hostelry and some of the members go away on nationally organised holidays. Apparently, some members have met up and found new partners, but that is not the objective. It is a chance to get out and meet new people.

The website is way-up.co.uk but there is an Organisation called WayUp, without the space, which is a networking site for working people. I am assuming you are over 50, but, if not, there is a group for younger widowed people.

I too belong to Way Up, but as I live in the middle of nowhere I cannot take part in any of the meet-ups - I chat to others there on the forum and also by private message. And they have zoom get-togethers too.

It is a great boon; but is no substitute from the life I wish I was leading! At least folk on there "get it" and recognise how fundamental the loss of a life's partner is.

grandmattie I rattled round my house when my husband died aged 47 in 2004. Both children had moved out within 2 years of him dieing. It's what I wanted . My son went to uni and my daughter back to where she went to uni. But as much as I wanted to move I couldn't had both parents and mother in law dependant on me. I have said this before on this thread. Don't know if you have read the thread from the start.

You have had a horrific double whammy as you call it. I was 45 when I was widowed and the thought of being on my own for the next 30 years terrified me. But I also knew my husband was my one and only. The last 18 years while they have flown by have been very difficult.

I moved 3 years ago to the north west from the west Midlands and live closer to both my children and their families. My daughter lives 10 mins away from me and my son 40 mins. I see my daughter and grandson's every week . But due to reasons I will never understand my son decided 2 years ago he no longer needs or wants me in his or families life. I haven't done anything wrong and never saw it coming.

Because of my health knew when I moved I needed a bungalow. And happy to say I live in a lovely 2 bed bungalow with a smallish garden back and front and wonderful neighbours. I found people in the north west friendlier than all the years I spent in the West Midlands . Health care here is far better. Plus it's flat where I lived it was hilly.

As your husband only died last month you are still in the early stages of grief plus all the legal matters to do with your husband death won't have been settled yet and will take months .

If you can give yourself a year before you want to move. Do you know where you where you want to move to and have you thought about what sort of property you want?

On the house and home forum there is a thread help stress etc buying and selling. They helped me when my sale fell through for the second time.

Grief does not lesson as the years go by. My grief for my husband is worse but you learn to cope. 18 years since my husband died and I miss him more than ever. I am now 64. He always wanted to be a grandad I have 5 grandson's but as I said only see 2. He missed both our children's weddings and seeing them grow into the adults they are. I have never been able to help them financially but am very proud of the fact both couples have always worked and both have there own houses they paid for their own weddings.

I was 16 went I met my husband he was 18. He knew I had problems with my limbs but that didn't bother him. 34 years ago my health got worse but my darling man just said we alter our life to suit what you can do and be a normal family. I thought I would die first not my fit healthy husband. Finally after 34 years I have a diagnosis for what's wrong with me and was born with it and it's rare only genetic blood tests could detect it. I can never thank my neurologist enough for having them done . So finally I have a name.

The first person I wanted tell was my husband and it broke my heart I couldn't. If he hadn't been the man he was I wouldn't be able to do what I do.

I am lonely but only for him. Not because I live on my own. I like living on my own . By moving I live my life to the full where I lived before I existed . Here people got to know me not wife then widow etc. But me and it's so freeing.

If I could have my husband back fit and healthy I would do anything but I can't. Even after 18 years I have what I call wobbles where I find tears running down my face and shout this shouldn't be my life. But I don't fight the feeling and it goes . And I am fine again.

Grief in my experience can consume you but it doesn't mean it has to stop you living your life to the full. But never fight your grief as you only hurt yourself.

My husband made me promise to live the best life I can and I do.