On 5th April, I lost my husband. Although he had suffered from several conditions for some years, and in the last three had come to need more care, we both used to joke that we were going to live till we were ninety and be a burden to our children! A new set of problems resulted in him being hospitalized and after tests for what was thought to be gallstones, he was given a diagnosis or Stage Four Lung Cancer. He died just 20 days after that diagnosis and before that, we had no idea of it! Over time, we had rung the doctor with various new problems, but as he already suffered from various things, the new symptoms were usually categorized under one of the existing conditions.
Most of those 20 days between diagnosis and passing were spent at home with Macmillian nurse visits to help, but with me hardly sleeping and eating hardly at all. The cancer had spread to his liver, his brain and other places too, so he was progressively more confused and didn’t always know us.
During those 20 days I didn’t have time to think or prepare at all and then suddenly, he was gone.
We had a cremation only with a family ‘celebration of his life’ planned for when his son could get back from Vietnam, which was on 11th June.
For the time between 5th April and 11th June, everything was planning and arrangements, with the get together to arrange and the awful task of contacting all the service suppliers, banks, insurance and pension companies etc.
Now that is all done, except from two companies that are being so slow, I am sitting and staring into space when I should be working, and falling asleep in my chair at my desk several times a day. The silence is definingly loud and I have just started crying at the drop of a hat. I am cross with myself as this simply isn’t me!
I run a business from home even though I am retired, as my brain is too active to stop work yet, well, normally. Now I simply don’t want to do it. I start a day with good intentions and then fall asleep at my desk, or put something on it to deal with and sit and stare at it all day.
Today for example, it is 3:35pm already as I write this - I haven't had a drink or anything to eat yet today. I did shower, get dressed and tidy the pots into the dishwasher, change my little dog's water and wash her bowl from last night, then sat down at my desk to decide what I need to do and here I still am. Nothing done, no breakfast or lunch eaten, nothing drunk apart from the sips of water to take medication, and simply no motivation. I have fallen asleep on and off all morning even though I slept last night. I keep saying in my head, 'right, come on girl, get out of this chair and make a drink', but then I stare at nothing again and still don't move.
Please someone, tell me this will pass????
Naked pair enjoy meal in non-naturalist pub.