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How do I move on

(10 Posts)
Lyndsaym10 Sun 24-Jul-22 22:17:13

My dad died in January 2020, we hadn't spoken for years as he was an alcoholic, beyond help and very nasty with drink. Since he died I can't get past it, I don't understand why he chose that life over being a dad to us, I don't know why he drank if something triggered it, I feel angry at him for dying, I am angry that he never made an effort with us, I feel guilty that I never reached out as an adult to try help him. I just don't know how to handle my feelings about his death.

Luckygirl3 Sun 24-Jul-22 22:26:21

Your anger is understandable and entirely reasonable. Do not feel bad about it.

Your guilt is misplaced. You were a child dealing with an impossible illness that you could not heal. As an adult you would not have been able to mend him.

Please try and move on. Alcoholism is an intractable problem and, given that he failed you through his illness when you were small, it is wholly understandable that you did not feel able to reach out to him - even if you had, you would not have been able to cure him.

Ali23 Sun 24-Jul-22 22:30:38

Lyndsaym, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Please believe that you have no reason to feel guilty, but you are quite entitled to feel angry about all of those things that were out of your control.
Is there a way that you can get help from a grief counsellor?

Beautful Sun 24-Jul-22 22:33:25

Try councilling ... this may help ... as you can talk about your feeling etc ... there are trained people to help ... have a word with your GP to refer you , although I am sure you can contact them yourself, make sure though you don't have to pay ... I pray you will get through this, although will take time ... God bless

RichmondPark1 Sun 24-Jul-22 22:34:21

I'm so sorry that you are having such a struggle. Life can be so hard at times. Can I suggest ACA UK. My friend's alcoholic mother died and it brought to a head a lifetime of painful bottled up emotions. ACA UK meetings really helped her find a peace she didn't think would ever be possible. After the first few meetings it was like she was a different person and she made some good friends who completely understand her position.

I'll be thinking of you. flowers

Beautful Sun 24-Jul-22 22:35:34

Counselling ... sorry

icanhandthemback Sun 24-Jul-22 22:40:47

I can only say what the others have said regarding counselling. Please don't feel guilty. Your father was an adult who made the choice not to get help with his alcohol problem after bringing a child into the word. That meant that he did not fulfil his obligations to you so it was in no way your fault. What you do have is a responsibility to care for yourself so get help so you can get rid of the anger and guilt which is toxic for mind and body. flowers

mumofmadboys Mon 25-Jul-22 00:46:09

Have you any happy memories of your dad? I am sure he loved you but he was ill and couldn't overcome his addiction. He will have felt acutely what a failure he was. Try to forgive him for failing to be a good (enough) dad. Hope your relationship with your mum is better. Counselling may well help you cope with your feelings. I wish you well

SunshineSally Mon 25-Jul-22 05:03:22

Aonfenila - reported

rosie1959 Mon 25-Jul-22 05:28:19

Lyndsaym10 so sorry for how you are feeling your dad didn't choose to be an alcoholic but sadly he never tried or couldn't find the solution to his problem with alcohol.
None of this is your fault and you certainly could have done nothing to change this only he could.
I obviously didn't know your dad but what was he like when he was sober the majority of alcoholics I know are not bad people but the drink alters everything.
He drank because he was an alcoholic it was nothing you or anybody else did alcoholics have no off switch it is broken. So unlike the normal drinker who will stop when they have had enough an alcoholic no longer has this choice.
Look after yourself and seek help Alanon may well be able to help you understand more. A group for the families of alcoholics totally free and available to all.