I am a widow

Yes, I eventually put stuff back in the post Return to Sender- deceased , and it seems to have worked at long last.
I found some Scouting stuff too, Whiff. The local GSM kindly took them with ideas for using in the Gang Show as they were too out of date for current leaders.
The majority of stuff has gone but I still have quite a bit to sort, including things I am keeping. It keeps me busy.

Getting rid of your husband's things is hard but it also brings back memories of when he got them. But my husband didn't want me to hold on to his things I only kept his gardening tools as I would need them ..He had boxes of scouting magazines but the scout association didn't want them nor did charities so they went into the recycling . I was told they where to old for today's scouts this was 20 years ago. He had been collecting them since he was 13 until he was 30. Even though he had stopped being a venture scout leader when he was 25 he still liked the magazines. Took me 8 months before I could even look at my husband's clothes and with my daughter's help sent them to cancer charity shop.

My dad wanted every gone within a week after he died so I did. Mom was very upset but we followed his wishes.

Still have my husband's ashes thought my daughter with sprinkle us together. Like my brother and me did with our parents by a hut they used to picnic in by the the river Servern.Some went on the bank and some fell into the water. Wasn't supposed to do it really but it's what they wanted .

Wasn't until I moved house and was clearing out I found my husband's hospital records and diagnosis which was upsetting as I thought it had gotten rid of them. I let go of the sympathy cards and letters as I hadn't read them since receiving them and knew I would never read them again.

It's hard letting go as I felt I was letting him go all over again . But it had to be done . There is so much paperwork and other things to do plus grieving it can all be overwhelming at times. Even though my daughter filled in the forms for no bunf I was still receiving stuff for 5 years. So used to write he died and put it back in the post box. Blunt I know but had a lot of other family things to deal with at the time.

Your husband's would be proud of you all .

It’s afraid not, Iam

Cabbie I wonder if we visit the same woodland site, I’ve pm’d

Love and Iam64 I am very sorry for your loss and new life that you've got to navigate. I hope your days are full of new beginnings and kind memories.

Yes, most of the books have gone abroad to those who will appreciate them. I needed to sell DH’s many collectibles and they have made a lot of money for the estate which is split between me and his children. Today I had a lovely thank you from my step son for all my hard work, which meant a great deal to me.
Today my lovely daughter has put some foxgloves on the grave which is in a beautiful woodland site. So thoughtful, as he loved foxgloves and he once ticked her off for digging them up!

When my lovely dad died we donated lots of his tools to a charity that sent them to Africa for farmers and families to use there. When mum then decided to sell the house and move to a sheltered apartment near us, we donated her old Singer sewing machine to be sent to Africa too. It was a hand sewing machine, not a treadle but you turned a handle to use it. Very suitable for someone where was no electricity.

I meant to add Cabbie21- great that your choirs and new groups are helping x

Cabbie21, the sorting out, the s.admin and clearing of things is exhausting at times but part of the process of acceptance I feel. I had thousands of books which lovely D had started to donate when he knew his life was limited. Lots went to relevant university departments etc . I was lucky to find good homes for many and a book dealer for others. My husband loved books, so do I but keeping them all impossible. I donated tools, art supplies etc to local charities, which I know he’d have wanted.
Of course, I felt I was losing him again despite knowing he’d be pleased with what I was doing 💙

Iam and Cabbie bet your thought my post was madness as I don't know if you read post by margiebrty . I didn't report it but replied to her post. If you didn't read it ,it was a bible quote about god losing his only son that sort of them. It was just a quote I didn't report so don't know why it was deleted.

I hope my post didn't upset anyone who have faith. But her post had no place on this thread. Because how could she quote with out context I don't know .

Special dates , anniversaries , favourite song or anything can put you right back to the moment your loved one died. I recently went on my first holiday for 19 years. I last went in 2005 to York and only because my husband made me promise to go on my holiday a year after he died. I was 46 and never been on holiday ever by myself or even walked into a pub by myself . Did a lot of firsts that holiday. And I remember crying every night because I didn't want to be on my own . The thought of being by myself for the next 30 years terrified me .

Having people depending on me helped me in one way as I couldn't let myself curl up into a ball and cry like I wanted to. But in another way it put my grief on the back burner which looking back did me no good.

I couldn't be myself until I moved here. Going on holiday to Berwick on Tweed was wonderful so different to going to York. But MayBee from the pears thread said she wanted to met me as she would be with her partner near by at their house. I never expected them to take me places but they did. I only had one day by myself and enjoyed it . But I kept wanting to say to my husband look at that or wouldn't you like it or do you thing our grandsons would love it here.

But I did enjoy my time with MayBee and her partner but did enjoy my day on my own . So I now I the travel bug never thought I would .

I can never thank MayBee and her partner for their kindness.

This probably doesn't make sense either. It's so hot here today and making me breathless and have a foggy brain .

Didn't want you to think I had gone loopy.

Sorry for your loss

It is just a year since my husband’s burial on a lovely sunny day, the first warm day last year I think.
This past week has seen huge progress both in the admin of the estate and in getting rid of things. There is still a long way to go. Lots to sort out still wherever I look, including the garden which became very neglected.
Having so much to do has kept me going, together with maintaining my choirs, ns joining two new groups. I can’t help wondering how I will feel when everything is sorted.

I haven’t gone through this, but I feel for those who have. I know without experience of it that it’s a very difficult time.

Thank you for your kindness. I started this thread on 12.10.22, 4 days after my husband died. Here I am, 19 months on from that awful time. My loss feels less raw but no less all encompassing. It’s helped to see others saying they’re finding two year anniversaries very tough.
Sending love to others in this sad challenging place. We live our best lives but for me, there’s this huge absence he’d have filled with joy humour and love

I am sorry for your loss 1am64. Yes, you are still his wife.

margiebrty3 what has that got to do with anything. It's ok if you are a Christian but I am a die hard atheist since my teens so was my husband and children.

My husband died . I see him in my mind . If you are a widow and believe you will see him again if that gives you comfort then that's good as with any Christians or other faiths here.

But don't just quote the bible and just leave it at that without any context.

I have been told over the last 20 years I am wrong not to believe in god . But I do not judge people because they have faith and I shouldn't be judged because I have none.

Being a Christian doesn't make you a good person as my mother in law was catholic and I hated her for 40 years but I looked after her for 11 years after my husband her son died. She denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren. She even refused to go to their weddings. If that's Christianity then I am glad to be an atheist.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I am so very sorry, Iam64. 💐

mind!

Well put Cabbie21
I was much the same as you after DH died in ‘21. Despite being ill and under treatment for a few years, his death was sudden and unexpected. I had his vehicle to dispose of and all his sporting equipment which he’d promised to individual friends.
Although the DD’s tried to help, one was 7 months pregnant and the other had a 4 year old, so much was down to me.
Finances sorted and having been so limited by Covid, I couldn’t wait to have the decorators in.
I kept his ashes until a suitable time to scatter them where he’d asked, exactly where he’d scattered his best friend 20 years earlier. His on-going project had been a big garden job, so I found a company to undertake that - less maintenance.
Then it was facing life as a singleton or whatever the preferred label.
DH would’ve hated me to stop doing what I wanted to do, so it was back to meeting friends and as he didn’t like holidays, I’ve done more travelling in 3 years than I did in the previous 13.

I can only echo Cabbie21’s post that final sentences that life doesn’t end when your loved one’s die - they stay in your heart and mine always.

My husband died five weeks ago.I haven’t forgotten he was my husband so why should I forget I was his wife.We were together sixty years & I was and still am proud to be his wife,

It is a year since my husband died. I have been kept busy sorting out his many possessions and collections and managing to increase the assets of the estate by doing so. He would have hated to see them go, but I hope he would be proud of my achievements. I have had four rooms redecorated ( once the stuff had gone).
I have also carried on with my main interest, singing in choirs, which has kept me in touch with friends especially the church choir, who have been really supportive, and had some treats, outings and short breaks. Life is not over once your loved one dies. They are indeed still in your heart and would want you to live your life in the best way you can.

When my Husband of nearly 60 years died, and I mentioned not wanting to live or be without him,my son said, Dad is always with you.He is in your head and in your heart. I found that very comforting.

Think not like 🤦

Ladysusiei when my husband died our home became a house . It never felt like home because he wasn't there. I hear him every night at 6.30 fall through the front door and drop both of his briefcases in the porch and shout hello Whiff and I shouted hello Hubs. I was usually in the kitchen and he would come and put his arms round me and kiss me.

I didn't want to be in my kitchen at 6.30 after he died. I started to look for a new home after the children left but because of my parents and mother in law needing me I couldn't leave them. I rattled round my house never went to bed until 1-2 am and didn't sleep well. I always knew if I had a bad night as I would wake on his side of the bed. That continued until I moved. Here I do put my hand out to his side of our bed and wish him good night. But I fall asleep straight away and after visiting the loo go back to sleep no problem. Been like that from my first night here . I have a home not a bungalow.

If going back to the house you shared will it be home or a house? Without your darling man it won't feel the same . I think you lived there for a while after he died. I know how much your health suffered and explained elsewhere what happened to you. But the time you where there did it feel like home without him ? Have a good think and I think you will realise it wasn't home without him and just a house.

As hard as it is especially in the case of sudden death like what happened to your love you have to make a new present and future and it's hard . I had 13 years in my house once the children moved out even when my mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life I was still alone . Mom had cancer and dementia. Even when the children came to stay it wasn't home just a house.

Home was my husband. If your darling man was home then you need to go forward not backward. I know the flat is isolated but it will be a new start and you will have the security that you won't have leave like you did the house when the landlord decided to sell but changed his mind and going to rent again he could change his mind again.

I am glad you are with your dad have you talked about the pros and cons about both places . I know the house will be closer to your dad. But none of us know how long we will live. You are lot younger than me .

When I moved here yes my children lived not far away daughter 10 mins son 40 mins in a car. But I wanted to be independent as I had been all the years on my own . I had 2 things I wanted to do when I moved here join a craft group and sit fit class. Do both.

You say how much you have changed since being on your own . But your love will always recognise you because of the love you share. I have changed at lot as well . When Mr W died I was over 19st size 32. I now look like when we got married but with much shorter hair. I stopped wearing make up when I had my daughter only wore it if we when out somewhere special. To be honest once my daughter started to wear make up she did mine otherwise I would look like a clown 🤡. My hair is going silver grey mixed with the brown . When Mr W died his black hair had grey mixed in I had a few grey . But he was cheeky he said grey hair was distinguished in a man but old in a woman so he got a thump.

I miss my husband more as the years go by and grief never gets less not for me and can still overwhelm me after 20 years. But I am so lucky to have been so loved and love in return. Some people live their whole lives and never have that . They never find the other half of themselves. We had that aren't we lucky. But grief is the price we have to pay for loving someone so much it hurts . But we still hold on to that love and that is what will get you through everyday.

You know what your loved one would want you to do . You will always have the past but he would want you to go forward and make a new life . Like I said it's hard but like my husband made me promise live the best life you can.

He made me promise to go on holiday a year after he died so I did . I had never been on holiday on my own or even walked into a pub myself . I was 46 did a lot of firsts those 4 days and it was so hard I cried every night.

In May I am going on my first holiday since 2005. But am really looking forward to it . Hotel was booked in November as I need an assisted room , booked my train tickets and travel assistance this week. In November the tourist board sent me all details of places to visit even buses and taxi firms numbers. Plus places I can visit by train.

I hope you can see your way forward but it will take time and a different way of thinking . You have to like I and not we. And that's upsetting. But do able . 🌹