Can’t feel my mum’s presence

The four people I was closest to in the world have all gone my mum dad maternal Nan and grandad when my grandad died I was a mid teen and I sat on the floor and howled I couldn’t believe my precious Grandad had gone I don’t remember expecting anything more at that stage, by the time my Nan died I was in my 40 s and I had her living with me for her last three years of life I couldn’t believe she had gone and because we were so close I was convinced she would let me know in some way she was ok ….but of course there was nothing
Then move on 25 years and dad and then mum died within 6 months of each other I was with them both and although not unexpected I was in total shock as I watched them die
But no presence, no butterflies, no robins or feathers, no pictures fell off the wall just life as normal with all my memories good and bad all the beating up of myself why didn’t I do this why did I do that
Eli54 I hope you find peace but don’t expect any proof

NotSpaghetti
‘ I was with my father for days before he died and he sent me to do something and died whilst I was gone.
I think sometimes people want the space to die alone to be honest.’

When the Bodach was dying, the doctor told me to take a break and go for a walk. I said no, because that would surely be when he would die. She said that maybe he didn’t want me there, and that was a very common thing, as was people hanging on until, say, a relative arrived from abroad. And, that was exactly what happened, and he died more or less as soon as I went outside.

Eli, I think a lot of these feelings of ‘ presence’ may be wishful thinking, and I’m sure that in time you’ll get comfort from happy memories.

Eli54, There is absolutely nothing remarkable about how you feel, many people feel, or do not feel as you do after a close bereavement. Even if you have a belief in life hereafter, feeling a presence of someone after death or dreaming of them doesn't necessarily follow.

I loved my parents and wasn't present for either of their deaths, my mother died in her sleep when on holiday. My sister and I sat with our DF for 5 or 6 hours, then left his bedside for about 10 minutes to have a cup of coffee, during which time he died. The nurses said this is quite common. I have never felt either of their presences, or even talked to them. Yet I used to sometimes feel the presence of my other sister who died prematurely.

All these feelings come from within us, the same with dreams, If my parents or sisters ever feature in a dream it is incidental and I do not take much notice of them until I wake up. I have never had a dream about any of them.

We didn’t manage to get DH home either, earlier this year. By the time everything was in place he was too ill to be moved. I’ve never felt his presence, but I do feel very strongly connected to him here which comforts me. I talk to him every day. If he hears me, he’s not letting on, but I like to think he does! We all feel guilt, even when that guilt is totally irrational. Please don’t beat yourself up about this. Your mother loved you; you did your best for her. Let that be your solace.

I don't believe in life after death, but my Mum does. When she lost her brother (a month short of him turning 18) she desperately wanted some kind of contact with him, or feeling of presence, but never received it.

I hope you find something to help you through this grief. For my Mum, it was time itself.

This coming Sunday many churches have a special service to remember those we have loved and lost. It is usually a service of quiet reflection, lighting candles. Many people, whether religious or not, find this helpful.
Just a suggestion.

Eli54 my daughter also died this year after a terrible illness in hospital and after I had given permission for them to stop treatment. I was with her, by her side for nearly6 weeks. Then I decided I really needed a break so one Saturday went in again and saw her and then went home for the night, she died while I was driving home. Just not fair. I felt terribly guilty along with relief, I was numb and couldn’t even cry. I remembered all the ways I felt I had treated her badly and how I could have done things differently. Now that is starting to pass, I have cried and I now feel she is at peace, I don’t feel her presence but I feel a sense of peace that it is all over. I hope in time that you will feel like this, your emotions will come back when the shock has passed. X

It is always difficult to know what to say, as such a lot depends on one's belief in an afterlife and so on.
I think that the 'presence' is more about sensing what someone would say or do in a particular situation. Like so many of you, I think I hear the voices of those who have gone, even my grandmother who died over 50 years ago.
I will share this, as we never know what little anecdote may make us feel better - she told me not to waste much time grieving. She said that if she was able to look down and see me, she wanted to see me enjoying my life! And like many of her generation, she knew a great deal about loss and bereavement.
And thank you all who have shared your thoughts - I have found some of your posts very moving. I hope that some of them help you.

Give it time Eli54. You are dealing with grief which ebbs and flows.

My dad died in 1988 and we were very close. I have never felt his presence but I often say to him ‘I’m in such a hurry any chance of finding me a wide parking slot’ and 9 times out of 10 I get it. People laugh at me but I don’t care.

Be kind to yourself ?

Firstly, I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum. I've never felt the slightest presence of either of my parents - but then I never expected to, as I believe that once you're dead, that's in. My father was a great sceptic, but he did once say that if there was an afterlife, he'd find a way to let us know - and he didn't. Grief affects us all in different ways and I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you to feel bad about what happened. Have you considered some form of bereavement counselling? A friend of mine found it very helpful when she lost her mum and struggled to cope for quite some time afterwards.

Eli54 what others have said about numbness, and guilt, loss hits everyone so differently. And sometimes the numbness is because its all rather too painful to feel "full on" just yet.

It will come, the happy times, the sad times, and above all processing what was a complex shock.

We couldn't take mum home either, tho it wasn't quite so long: and no, you couldn't have coped: her asking was natural, a desire to return to more happy and normal times, but the reality of the pain and complexities of her condition, she would soon have felt the need to be nursed 24/7 - by professionals xx

I dont believe in life after death so wouldn't expect to feel my lost loved ones are with me.
Doesn't stop me talking to my dad while I work around the house ,sometimes working out a problem and imagining his take on it.I'll solve it usually by the end of the talk but I know its not him though it makes me feel like he's on the end of the phone
.Do what it takes to keep in touch with your mum but its just inside your head,same as my dad is in mine ,it still helps though my lovely Dad has been gone almost 29 years .
I hope you find some peace of mind and some comfort soon. .

I now feel that she is angry with me for not taking her out of hospital and not being there at the end. My husband said that is irrational but why can’t i feel her presence.

I think your feelings are irrational and your husband is right - but there is nothing rational about loss.
I was with my father for days before he died and he sent me to do something and died whilst I was gone.
I think sometimes people want the space to die alone to be honest.

I don't know why you believe that when someone died they would contact you in some way but I do think in the months and years that come you will find a sort-of presence in unexpected things - an early rose, a beautiful sunset, a particular smell, something someone says.
The person you love is always there with you as you cary them in your heart.

Please don't think your mother is punishing you. You are punishing yourself I think. Make peace with yourself. Forgive yourself for going home. My mother was still at the hospital when my father died but had fallen asleep. She was also "absent" and felt terrible about it. The truth is that waiting is exhausting both physically and emotionally.

I don't think your mother would punish you. You obviously loved her, and she would know this.


Grief is slow and personal but one day I trust you will feel more at ease.
Be kinder to yourself.

Because she has gone from this world Eli54 but it is nothing to feel sorry about.We carry in our hearts the feeling of pleasure in remembrance, when our loved ones have died.
Remember your Mother from the good times, not when she became very ill, and be happy that you had her in your life for so long.She would not wish that you felt so sad and miserable.
As a Mother, she would want you to enjoy your life.

No no your mum is not angry with you neither is itvirrational
You Eli are dead to emotion at the moment you will gradually come to life and be able to remember all the good things and all the love you gave each other
Your body is devoid of feelings for you to heal you will find the feelings gradually return
I have never felt the person I love is ‘with me’ but I have learned a certain amount of peace over the years but that is intermingled with thoughts of things I did wrong did quite manage right etc etc but they will always be in my heart tucked away and I can give them a mental hug
Time will help but stop blaming yourself for things you had no control over hug yourself as well as mum xx