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advice please

(7 Posts)
Dawn62 Sat 19-Nov-22 09:03:12

Hello,last month i joined when my dad was in hospital,he died 17 oct never recovering from a triple bypass,he never came around after the operation and for the week until they turned the machines off my mum,husband and i sat with him,we never got to say goodbye while he was awake if that makes sense part of me feels cheated,although my husband tells me it was the best way for dad to go,just harder for us.We never expected him to die and i don't think he did.
The week before while he was waiting for the op he sent so many messages call etc saying he loved me so i have that i know i wouldn't have had if he had just had a heart attack at home,but it hurts so much i am 60 so dad was 83,mum is as you would expect in shock i think and i did mention tensions with my sister who lived with them she's 58 and spent years arguing with my parents then speaking them i think she has big issues,he and i had not spoke for 40 years,i did try twice while dad was in hospital the first time she went mad at me and pushed me down the stairs the second was after dad had died while i was over at mums to try and sort dads things out he still ran a business so there was that,she came right at me over the business and it went badly down hill,when i left i thought i can't do this and decided to stay away but mum came out and said to me please don't let her stop you calling so i carried on as normal,but after that she went for mum for as she said not standing up to me and she didn't speak to mum for 2 weeks until she bumped her car and needed mums help,since then that was a few weeks ago she has not mentioned dad at all to mum she is carrying on as normal and has now said she wants a xmas tree up etc,i did say to mum what do you want but mum is not bothered she said it's up to her but it is mums house so i have said don't let her bully you,i will not be doing a tree etc and apart from buying presents for my 2 and 4 year old grandchildren will have no xmas,my dad has gone what is there to celebrate plus xmas day is my birthday and it was always a text from dad happy birthday from mum and dad,the only one that remembered so without dad what's the point i will get through it for the children and i worry if i say to mum not to do a tree i am bullying and no better than my sister,it is a mess.
I can't think about dad because there is so much to sort out,mum couldn't face a service so she had a pure cremation type of send off and now dads ashes are waiting for me to collect,she didn't feel she could cope with the coffin etc,i wonder now if it was the right thing but will never mention it to mum it was her choice,dad went and we have nothing i am really struggling if he went now or in a few years i expect it would come but i feel so stressed with everything,dad did everything so mum doesn't even know how to pay a bill etc and he has left us with a business to sort out which is really complicated,we haven't been to his solicitor or account yet don't know what to do first,we have a will everything went to mum,so i didn't know if we needed to so guess that is on my list of things to do.
Sorry messy message i know but my head is a complete mess.Thank you if you got to the end.

Smileless2012 Sat 19-Nov-22 09:23:11

Hello Dawn. Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your dadflowers.

You have so much to deal with don't you. The shock and pain of losing you dad, being there for your mum as she tries to come to terms with her loss, not to mention all the practicalities that have to be dealt with, at the worse possible time.

You say you have your dad's will which leaves everything to your mum, so that should be straight forward but you will need to contact the solicitor. The business will more than likely be covered in that document too, but you will also need to contact their accountant.

Try not to feel rushed or pressurised, even with all of the correct documentation these things take time.

My advice is not to mention the Christmas tree to your mum. If she goes along with your sister's wishes try and accept it. I do understand that you're worried about her, she is vulnerable but from what you've posted the issues with your sister are long standing.

The accountant will be familiar with the business and I'm sure will be on hand to give you all the assistance you may need.

Try and take some time for yourself Dawn when you can take a deep breath, pause, remember and grieve for your dad.

Take care x

Septimia Sat 19-Nov-22 09:30:15

I'm sorry about your dad and that you are struggling at the moment. My mum died unexpectedly and I found things difficult for a while.

You will, I expect, need to get probate for the will. If you don't feel up to this then ask the solicitor to do it (it should actually be straightforward if everything goes to your mum and you could do it yourself) while he is sorting out the business.

If you feel that the cremation didn't give you the chance to grieve properly then, when you've had time to get on a more even keel, you could consider some sort of memorial event.

Take care of yourself.

Lathyrus Sat 19-Nov-22 09:44:29

I am sorry for your loss. Your Dad was obviously very dear to you 💐

I don’t know if this will help but I do recognise the feel g of having your head all over the place.

I bought a big notebook and ruled three columns: the date in one, a job I had to do (even things like buy milk) in another and then what I had done ( bought milk, posted letter) in the third).

I know it sounds simple but I did buy milk twice forgetting I had or searched for the letter I had already posted but I didn’t remember I had.

It doesn’t help with grief but it did help me to feel that I wasn’t totally out of control.


NotSpaghetti Thu 01-Dec-22 18:49:52

You are feeling so raw and strange and have a lot going on both in reality and in your head. I understand how the death of someone you love is painfully "wrong" and that ordinary life seems so arduous.
I'm glad you have the support of your husband who can see what is going on for you.

I have nothing practical really to offer but maybe would try to think of three "somethings" (anything) to be grateful for each day and hopefully it will calm you and keep your head above water.
I have done this and shared it with my daughter during life's hardest times and know it helps us. We simply text the things we are grateful for to each other - big or small it doesn't matter.
Some days it may just be "I went to the shop and the cashier was friendly" or conversely, " I didn't need to go to the shop because I had milk"
It may be something you hear on the radio that distracts you for a moment or it may be a day you are so fully consumed with the practical issues that you can't find anything positive
- well at least you can say to yourself "I have tried really hard today and I think my dad would be proud".
It sounds like you can be grateful for the love you have known.
This is a gift.
Not everyone is so lucky.

It may not help with your sister but it may help you. Consider sharing the things you are thankful for with your mum or your husband - you are not alone.

Thinking of you.

crazyH Thu 01-Dec-22 20:07:41

It’s all so sad flowers

grandtanteJE65 Fri 16-Dec-22 14:21:52

You are understandably shocked by your father's unexpected death - presumably his doctors were too, as it sounds as if he had not been warned he might not survive.

Give yourself time to be sad and mourn your father, and I am very sorry for you loss.

Sit down with your husband and discuss what you and he want to do this Christmas and have the Christmas you want.

Leave your mum and sister to do what they want, but mention to your mum that you cannot face decorating a tree and trying to pretend that this Christmas is like any other.

Ask you mum if she is up to contacting the solicitor and acountant or if she wants you to do so. Perhaps your husband will help with this if your mum can't do it herself,

You mum needs to find out what she wants done with the business if it too has been left to her. It doesn't sound to me as if she has ever been part of running it, or as if you and your sister have. So, a priority is to find out what you as a family are going to do about the business. You have three, perhaps four options:

Take it over as a family (not advisable as you and your sister are not on good terms with each other)

Sell it (I don't know if this is possible but the accountant and perhaps the solicitor can advise)

Put in a manager to run it.

Let your sister do what she wants with it

I honestly don't think that right now you would feel less lost without your father or miss him less, if he had been concious before he died, or had had a conventional funeral.

Such a sudden death is very hard to cope with emotionally, so it makes sense to off-load as many of the practical things on the solicitor and accountant as possible.

I hope you soon start feeling just a little better able to cope with things, but don't push yourself too hard.