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Letter to my deceased father was opened in coffin

(41 Posts)
FlowerPower60 Sun 19-Feb-23 23:27:03

I am so letter for my deceased father was opened by my estranged mother when she visited him in his coffin.
It was only meant for him,no-one else. Do I tell her I'm upset??

Nanagem Sun 19-Feb-23 23:35:20

First my I offer my deepest sympathies, loosing a parent is so hard,

You know I had to read that 3 times to believe that someone could do that, I’m stunned. She must be feeling so insecure to do that, what could she possibly have thought you had written,

I don’t think you should say anything, times like this you need to show dignity, don’t give her another thought just concentrate on your father and what he would want.

Zoejory Sun 19-Feb-23 23:36:00

I'd be furious. And I'd say so. But we all handle things differently.

Sympathies to you.

Doodledog Sun 19-Feb-23 23:36:21

I would be furious. But I suppose if you are already estranged there is probably little point?

I'm sorry for your loss.

VioletSky Sun 19-Feb-23 23:39:24

If you are estranged from an abusive person it is a definite no.

She would have the satisfaction of you reaching out knowing she hurt you and you will give her the opportunity to gaslight you.

Let it be, Dad saw your letter

I'm so sorry for your loss

FlowerPower60 Mon 20-Feb-23 00:00:24

Thank you so much for speedy reply.
I too am stunned....she told my daughter on day of funeral that she had read it. And of course daughter couldn't say anything at that point,but she was upset too.
My mother really is the gift that keeps on giving.
Here I am a grandmother myself having to deal with the death of a much loved father who went through so much. And a mother that never ceases to shock.

PamelaJ1 Mon 20-Feb-23 01:32:35

Say nothing. It’s so difficult when you are hurting so much but if you can then let it go. I think you will feel better in the long run, it will give you the moral high ground and that’s a good place to be.

Hithere Mon 20-Feb-23 01:40:22

Sorry for your loss

No, I wouldn't

Hetty58 Mon 20-Feb-23 01:47:56

No - don't even mention it. I'm not surprised that she opened it, though.

Hithere Mon 20-Feb-23 07:31:39

I am not surprised either

Jaylou Mon 20-Feb-23 07:48:05

Sorry for your loss FP60.
As others have said, she did this so she could get a rise out of you. She must be itching for you to react so don't scratch that itch. Let it fester with her not you. You have your good memories of your father, just remember them with fondness.

Allsorts Mon 20-Feb-23 07:49:00

That’s a horrible thing to do and to tell her granddaughter I would be furious. However, she sounds a nightmare and you would gain nothing by challenging her, I, being me, would have to say something probably I’m disgusted at your behaviour mother but it’s done, then keep my distance. She must be bitter and insecure. However, like people have said, nothing to be gained, just ignore. Remember your father and that he knew you loved him and he you, no one can take that away.

dragonfly46 Mon 20-Feb-23 07:50:24

No say nothing and rise above it. If she is estranged just ignore her. By telling your DD she is hoping for a reaction.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Chardy Mon 20-Feb-23 07:58:45

Sincere condolences FlowerPower60. What she did was indefensible, it's the sort of thing my mother might have done, as my mum was incredibly nosy.
My advice is to say nothing, knowing you are the better person.

M0nica Mon 20-Feb-23 08:20:41

Deep condolences on loosing your father. Losing a much loved parent is so hard.

However, given you are estranged from your mother, who is obviously a dificult person, surely her opening the letter, however upsetting to you, should not be surprise. What better way for an estranged parent to upset a bereaved child?

It would have been better to have had it tucked away in the coffin where she could not see it.

Your best response is to behave as if it has not happened. Your mother acted as she did to upset you. All you can do is act in her presence, or the presence of anyone who will tell her, as if you do not know or care what happened. In private and with your supportive faamily you can rant, rage and cry at her callous behaviour.

LRavenscroft Mon 20-Feb-23 08:29:27

I am really sorry to hear of the passing of your father. Please look after yourself as number one during this very sad time. But, if your mother is estranged because she is a nasty piece of work like an aunt I had who could stir up a hornet's nest, please just walk away. This is the perfect opportunity to remove any unwanted people in your life. Please look to the future with your own family, focus on remembering your dad, perhaps keep a journal of all the happy times spent together with him and just remove your mother permanently. No good will come of it in the future and as you say 'she is a gift that keeps on giving'. When my dad died I offloaded most of his drama seeking toxic family and it was surprising how quickly they disappeared. As we get older ourselves and our loved ones are the people who count. Wishing your strength, courage, and peace in days to come.

Rosina Mon 20-Feb-23 08:40:16

Good advice on this thread - I too would say nothing. Your letter has been read and your poor daughter told in order to cause even more upset at this awful time. Your silence on the subject is the best way to show that you are indifferent to anything that this unkind person can do - silence means that she cannot even be sure you know about it.
I am sorry for the loss of your Father - be kind to yourself and remember that he loved you and would not want you to be unhappy for too long. x

Iam64 Mon 20-Feb-23 08:44:19

Sincere condolences FP60. No wonder you’re angry and hurt. I agree with the advice here, silence towards your mother is the correct way to respond

25Avalon Mon 20-Feb-23 08:48:23

How do you know your mother actually opened it and read it? I’m surprised the Funeral Parlour would have allowed this. Whatever she is saying it to spite you. Very good advice from Violet Sky, who sadly has a lot of experience of estrangement.

Condolences on the loss of your father. Whatever their age it is a sad time. Try and remember the good times you had. He is on your side.

Luckygirl3 Mon 20-Feb-23 09:29:10

Let it go - you have enough to deal with. I am so sorry you have lost your father. Your mother was of course completely out of order, but that does not mean you have to follow this up - it will only make you sad and add to your troubles. Your precious message to your father still stands - nothing can take that away.

crazyH Mon 20-Feb-23 09:35:37

So sorry for your loss FP60. Your Dad has read your letter, I’m sure. He know how you feel. flowers

luluaugust Mon 20-Feb-23 09:42:09

I am sorry for your loss but agree with not saying anything flowers

FlowerPower60 Mon 20-Feb-23 09:51:47

Thanks to every one of you for the support show. Much appreciated

pascal30 Mon 20-Feb-23 09:52:05

If she actually did that she is well out of order, but also showing her insecurity with regards to you. Someone that unboundaried needs to be avoided IMO. Just protect what you have with your daughter.... that's really precious.. as are your memories of your Dad..

Glorianny Mon 20-Feb-23 10:00:48

So sorry about your father.
I agree with all who have said don't mention it. She's probably waiting for some response so don't respond.
Your dad knows what you said and what is in your heart. Remember him and forget her.