Does it get easier?

It’s 4 years since my husband died from early onset dementia. We met when I was 15, he 17 so my whole adult life was shared with him. There isn’t a day goes by when I don’t think of him, but how he was, not how he became in those last awful months. When he died I felt relief after watching him lose every bit of the personality I had loved and the guilt was horrible as was the anger at losing our hoped-for retirement together.

I’m reminded of him every time I can’t unscrew a lid, lift something heavy, need pictures put up, need advice, worry about the car, in fact all those ‘little’ things I took for granted when he was here.

It was a couple of years before I could return to the places we loved, they were so heavily laden with glorious memories. I’m reminded of part of a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay which sums up the dilemma perfectly:

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

It does get easier over time, but I think it’s more about the gradual adjustment to a new world on my own than in the grief dissipating. I’ve had to learn to live with it, to live around it. I know people who find comfort from their families, their pets, their friends, but I’ve found the natural world a huge comfort. My garden and the birds and the foxes who visit and are almost on first-name terms have been my consolation. They give me hope.

No. I don't think that things get easier. I think we get harder and learn to cope. The talent is to keep a smiling face and not be that grumpy, cursing old woman that you saw when you were a child. That's my goal. I don't want to be that person. I want to feel grace and happiness when everything is falling down around me. Someone has got to do that!

I’ve re-read this thread that started 6 months after my husband died. It’s gransnet at its best.
I’m now 19 months since my husband’s death. I’ve had a tough year, tripped over my lab’s lead in February and fractured my shoulder. Awful pain and imobility, sling for 6 weeks, no driving for 9 and still restricted to short distances. I’m scheduled planned abdominal surgery mid June. I’d like the universe to let me have a few quiet non trauma/drama minths please

I’ve remembered Su22 OP in recent weeks, it being almost 2 years but still grief can bowl me over. Music, one of those IPhone memories that pop up uninvited and take you to happy times before he died. I count my blessings of which there are many. Today the sun is shining, even in North Manchester. I’m off to support my 8 year old grandson who is a keen Sunday morning Park runner. Then I’m taking him and his 5 year old brother to an adventure playground while their mum runs Pendle hill in training for the three peaks.
Those of us with good marriages have indeed been blessed though the absence is huge 💖💙

Sending hugs and flowers to all widowed ladies on here

How blessed you all were with good solid marriages and that is something wonderful but makes the passing of a spouse so much harder.

I have tremors in my hands and pressed the button.

sound of him coughing ,laughing and even farting. All the things we took for granted.

Time does not heal or lesson the love or grief but teaches you to cope. But grieve still can be overwhelming just don't fight it. Hopefully one thing I have said helps you . But this is just my experience. 💐

Crossstitchfan 4 years is in what I call early years of bereavement. I found it took 10 years to get used to my husband dieing. I did all that put on a brave face and just got on with things when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and shut out the world out unfortunately you can't. I was 45 what did I know about being a widow . I thought foolishly I had to be brave for everyone else. How I wish I had someone to tell me not to.

Our children where 20 and 16 and they wanted me to go too a bereavement group as they thought it would help me. So I went it was useless. They were 20-40 years older than me . The group was run by a woman who had done a 12 week course and was married. They were nice people but they didn't understand how I felt.

Luckily my children never asked me if it helped just was it ok. I don't tell lies simple fact is a forgetful and you can see it on my face. The children left home 2 years later I wanted them to go . Wasn't until 2019 I could move over 100 miles to live closer to them .As I had both parents and mother in law to look after and my mom was the last to die in 2017.

It's been 20 years for me and as the years have gone by the grief gets worse but the love for my husband has never wavered. Like me you probably think of all the things he has missed.

You may have found this some people expect you to get over your grief in 6 months . But there is never getting over grief for the other half of yourself. It's the price we pay for love. But I look on it this way we are the lucky ones we found the other half of ourselves and they found us and together we made a whole . My husband like yours was the only person who knew the real you and you him . The moment they took their last breath your present and future died with them . We always have the past and no doubt you had planned for the future. Making a new present and future on your own is so hard. I have screamed and shouted out loud this shouldn't be my life. I talk out loud to my husband everyday day I have blamed him for dieing ,swore at him for leaving me but I realised it's normal as in the early years I thought I was wicked . But it's not it's part of grief. But when even now I get overwhelmed with grief it just hits me out of the blue I don't fight and have a good cry which makes me feel better . If I have a rant at him I see him with that stupid grin on his face and it makes me smile and imagine him saying feeling better.

I still hate the empty side of the bed. The moment my husband took his last breath at home with me and the children. Our home just became a house .

I didn't have a home again until I moved in 2019. Our house even though it was mine after he died was still ours ,still the children's bedrooms and I heard him drop his briefcases in the porch every night at 6. 30 and heard him shouted hello Whiff and I would reply hello Hubs then he would grab me and kiss me.

I lost his voice the moment he died but still hear how he phrased things. Have lots of pictures but nothing with his voice one . He died in 2004 aged 47.

When the rage and anger hit me I didn't realise it was part of grief . I still feel that rage and anger but I use it to get me through everyday especially all the things that have happened since his death. I was born disabled and yet it was my fit healthy husband got cancer and died .

All you are feeling is the price we pay for love as hard as it is we are the lucky ones to have had that love . Some people live their whole lives and never know that love . As without that true love we wouldn't feel grief it's the price we pay. And it's a heavy price. But our lives would have been the poorer without it.

Please don't think you have to be brave as you only hurt yourself I learnt that the hard way. Whatever you are feeling let it out scream,shout,swear hit a pillow anything that makes you feel better. I don't mean get blind drunk as that's not the answer. If it had been an option for me I would have done that in the early years but on to many tablets and couldn't drink on them.

I am an atheist but what gives me comfort is my husband's DNA is in the children and part in my 5 grandson's . He lives on in them .

You know what your husband would want for you so use that feeling . My husband made me promise some things and I have kept everyone but until I moved I couldn't live my life the best way I can. And I live my life to the full but the grief is still there but I would hate to lose it. I have made a new present and future but it's hard . But it's because of my love for my husband has made it me able to do it.

Don't be hard on yourself if you want to shut the world out and have a good cry or a rant do it. Trying to be brave only hurts you. And I am sure your husband wouldn't want that . I can't say as the years go by the grief will lesson as I have found it gets worse but you learn to cope in your own way. So don't be hard on yourself and expect the grief to stop. Like I have said grief is the price we pay for love . The one person in the whole world who was out other half and we where theirs . We were lucky to find that and that's why it's so hard when we lose it . Loving someone so much and it's not the big things but all the little things you miss the most a kiss ,cuddle ,holding hands,being in the same room even if you don't speak, the

Hello Foxygloves,
Thank you for your post, and I am sorry for your loss. I just had to write because what you said was so much like what I could say. I too put a smile on and pretend everything’s ok but it so is not. The pain I feel is unbearable and doesn’t seem to ease. I can carry on with my life and put a brave face on but inside I’m screaming. It’s been four years (today, actually) and I am missing him just as much, if not more, than I did after that awful night.
I carry on for my family, who are all amazing, but inside I really just want to curl up and die.

I too have only just read this, sorry Easter is long past now.

Tomorrow it will be seven months since my husband died, and I recognised all too well what you mean when you say you can count on one hand the people who have stayed in touch. I very much fear that will not change for either of us.

I have forced myself to go out - to start with, once a week, whether I felt like it or not. Forced myself (and believe me it took force) to at least go for a half-an-hour's walk every day, and to make some kind of conversation with people I saw in the shops or on my walk.

I would say, there are days were it is a little easier, and days where the whole horrible feeling of loss overwhelms you again.

I think it has to - we are not repairing something broken, after all - we are making a new epoch of our lives and a very different one from the one that ended so brutally when our husbands died.

I find practical work helps a little - to start with all the paperwork, and now that that is finished I am painting window frames while the weather is dry and warm enough to do so - not because I enjoy the work, but because it has to be done.

Perhaps like me, you can find a group you can join - my choice and possibility is country dancing - yours will no doubt be something quite different, but doing something you never did with your husband is, for me at least, easier than trying to do things we did together ,without him.

I’ve just read your poem NanaDana and cried my eyes out.

I’m with you Su22 where is everyone? I’ve had little visitors call me since the death of my husband well over a year ago

Thank you Whiff

GrannySomerset I missed in my old house all my husband's files all round his chair. He used to sit with his laptop when they came out and have a pile of files in the hearth and round his feet. Even when we had the study build he didn't always use it.

I hated ironing and after he died that's what I missed ironing his shirts . He brought so called in indestructible socks because he wore steel top capped shoes but I still darned them as with his big toes always made holes. But I did find that relaxing doing that.

I thought it was the children who made the mess but it was my husband and to this day I miss nagging him to tidy up. In the study everything was filed in order in his 2 filling cabinets. But downstairs looked like a bomb had hit it. Happy days😟.

A year after he died I decided the garage and loft needed clearing out . The children said their dad's legacy was rubbish. We had 3 medium skips for all the bits of piping and wood he kept just incase why I will never know as they were to small for anything . Even found the toilet seat that was on when we moved in 1985. We had replaced it the same day we moved. Ended up with boxes and bags of things for charity. Wasn't until I was sorting out to move and my son cleared out the loft did I realise how much stuff I had kept. I sent boxes to charity without looking in then as they had been up there that long I didn't need them.

Funny enough it's all the silliest of their habits that you miss the most.

MOnica anything can trigger a memory and can overwhelm you with grief but crying helps . You will always love and miss your sister. That's the worst thing about grief the person you are grieving over has missed so much. And you find yourself wanting to say look at that or you want just to talk to them or ask their advice . But you can't . You will always have a hole in your life where your sister should be. But I bet you can think of things that made you laugh together and times when you had fights over things both things will make you smile. I still talk to my husband out loud everyday as it helps me even after 20 years. There is no time limit on grief . It's how much they have missed makes it worse. But you still have your memories of your sister and they are precious.

Today should have been my sister's 79th birthday, but she died following a road accident 33 years ago. A piece of music came on the radio that reminded me of her and I burst into tears aching with the sense of loss of all those years when she should have been part of my life and leading her own life

Grief never goes away, but with time you learn to live with it.

Nearly half way through year 3 since DH’s death I find myself much more diminished than I expected and miss the man I loved and still love every day. As so many have said, going home to an empty house is so hard and I resent its quiet order - no papers strewn around, no music playing, no smile to greet me. I don’t think there is an answer for me despite being quite busy.

As I have said before to all those who's other half dies on various threads it's the price we pay to love and be so loved in return. And in my case it doesn't get any easier. You just learn to cope . But I still find grief overwhelms at times.

I got slated on AIBU thread after a woman posted moaning about her husband then others sided with her so I said they should be grateful to still have him. Others like me also posted but as usual those who still have their other halves shouted us down.

But one day they will realise how much they wish they had that person in their life and how silly they where to moan about their annoying habits. As the pain is crushing but there is so much to do straight after death that in my case I couldn't break down until bedtime.

Going home to an empty house is hard as it feels different. Once my husband died our home was just a house and didn't want to live there anymore. Took me 15 years before I could move and my bungalow is home. When my husband died the house was mine but it didn't feel like that it was ours and the children's bedroom still after they moved out. But the bungalow is mine and home . And that what makes the difference.

When you walk into a house you shared with your husband or partner it feels cold and empty. Until I left still heard my husband drop both his briefcases in the porch at 6.30 and shout hello Whiff and I shouted hello Hubs and then he would wrap his arms round me and kiss me. How I miss that to this day.

I can still remember early years of widowhood and looking back see the mistakes I made mainly trying to be brave for others people. I was a fool . Took me moving to put myself first. And it's not selfish to put yourself first but it's what you need to do. Our children where 20 and 16. But those with younger children when widowed you have to wait until they are adults before you can do that.

But life is never that easy and in my case as many others there where other family members who needed looking after so you push yourself and your grief back . But it costs and in my case I didn't realise how much it cost me healthwise. But I would do it all again as I have never turned my back on people depandant on me.

Many here will have done or are doing the same thing. But we all have to live with ourselves and what our consciences allow us to do.

I never want anyone to be depandant on me again and I don't want to be depandant on anyone. I paid the cost and never what another else to pay that cost.

As the years go by you learn to cope but I have found the grief gets worse as my husband has missed so much . A lot has happened in the 20 years since he died. Good and bad .

Monday to Friday I went on my first holiday in 19 years and had a wonderful time. But did laugh at myself as my husband would be astonished at what I did . Very kindly when I mentioned on the pears thread I had booked my room in November . Because of my disability I need and assisted room and premier Inn has rooms for wheelchair users and people like me. I went to Berwick upon Tweed as we had never been to Northumberland. Didn't realise how hilly Berwick was .
The Gransnetter said she would be there as they lived near by and would like to meet me. I was worried I would be putting them out but so glad we meet. She's lovely and her partner and dog. They took me places I had mentioned going to but never expected then to take me as I had planned on going by bus or train.

They even took me to their home . Her partner doesn't like boats and I had said I wanted to go on a boat trip so we went together it was wonderful. This was Thursday and the sea was clam we saw puffins and other sea birds and lots of seals . The 2 hours fled by. Mind you it was fun getting on and off the boat but the deckhands helped everyone. So if you see the name MayBee70 that is the lovely friend who made my holiday. Had the Wednesday to myself as they had plans. But I had a lovely day and talked to a lot of people and surprised myself how far I walked but wasn't well enough to go for dinner as I over did it ,but had had plenty to eat during the day.

I saw my husband with his stupid grin in his face and imagined him saying who's been a silly billy. But glad I rested for my boat trip.

As I have said before I lost me not just when my husband died but the following years looking after others . I didn't have a life. And wasn't doing what my husband wanted he wanted me to live the best life I can but couldn't for 15 years until I moved here.

New and those who have been widowed a few years . Please don't expect to much of yourself and put yourself first it's not selfish but you need time to grief and feel every aspect of grief. The rage and anger I still feel over my fit healthy husband dieing gets me through everyday. But it's what I need . Over time you will find what gets you through everyday and at first time will drag but as the years go by and you get older the time flies by.

As usual rambled on just hope I have helped .

Luckygirl3 - I understand completely. I even find myself resenting women in the supermarket who are shopping with their husbands. Thank you Grammaretto for flowers - appreciate it.

adrisco - I really understand that.

Today I organised an arts and music festival and it was a huge success and I was thrilled about that. People were thanking and congratulating me and that was lovely.

And then what happened? - they all went home, either with or to someone. That's the bit I find so hard.

I do not begrudge them that happiness; it just hurts.

Adrisco

I am lucky I still have my husband but can understand how you feel as went through it with my mum after my dad died. It was so hard for her. It does get easier but expect bad days and hopefully as a family we helped mum. Now lost her to dementia and then to covid. Life can be cruel …

I lost my husband five months ago. Today I spent the day with two of my children and my grandson. Lovely day - but then I came home to my very quiet house and no one else here. Spent the last couple of hours in tears. Not sure that it will ever become easier.

Greyduster what a lovely poem. Thankyou.

I am feeling low today and lonely.
I am missing him so much. I think weekends are worse and holidays unless you have plans to distract you.

The family, who were great to begin with, all have busy lives and probably expect me to be strong and capable.

There's no doubt that grief can hit you when you least expect it.
Little things can set me off.
It's 3½ years since he died but can feel like no time at all.

I'll be alright. I hope we all will and those who are going through it right now.
Sending everyone a hug.

My son said to me....Dad is in your head and in your heart. He is always with you.

GM

very poignant post. I read with empathy, I lost my dear younger sister and my 58 year old sister in law within 16 months after my husband.

Life has completely changed and this line from GM has struck a chord

"Widowhood, like old age, is certainly not for sissies!"

Being in the autumn of my life and heading to winter, Living day by day is best, trying always to have something to look forward to during the next day

I will not be maudlin, it is not my nature, there are still things to look forward to, different yes and nothing can replicate 45 years of very happy marriage. My path is different now and I will embrace that

Very poignant NanaDana poem I can relate to this sentiment

NanaDana that's sums up the death of the other half of you perfectly. Thank you 💐