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Does it get easier?

(90 Posts)
Su22 Sun 09-Apr-23 11:40:15

It is 18 months since my husband died, people tell me it gets easier, but it's no easier in fact it is getting harder and harder. Lots of people turned up to his funeral which was lovely to see but where are they now I can count on one hand the people that have kept in touch. It's four days since I have spoken to anyone I realise it is Easter and people have their own things to do but life is pretty lonely, just need someone to tell me it will get easier and life does go on.

Harris27 Sun 09-Apr-23 11:45:01

I’ve just read this and can’t give you any advice. However all I can do is to tell you to keep going you’re still going through the grieving process. I’m sending you hugs and kind thoughts think it’s this time of year you will feel it even more.

ronib Sun 09-Apr-23 11:52:10

Cruse bereavement services may be a way forward for you. Take care.

tanith Sun 09-Apr-23 12:20:09

I know it’s only a simple thing but I found going for a regular walk got me out of the house and now I often chat with the dog walkers who live near and walk in the park. It’s not easy living alone but the loss does diminish slowly it’s 4 yrs since my husband died I miss him everyday but it’s less painful as when I walk I remember a special holiday or trip we took.

Iam64 Sun 09-Apr-23 12:33:07

Su22, my husband died 6 months ago. I miss him with every fibre of my body, I’m bereft, sad and sometimes bowled over by a tsunami of grief.
I have dogs so I’m out every day, even if I just want to hide away.
I’ve turned down a number of opportunities to meet friends because I don’t want to find myself weeping.
I’m trying to be more sociable. Could you contact people?

Pavane Sun 09-Apr-23 12:35:18

I don’t think it gets easier or that our feeling of loss is lessened. I think we develop greater coping skills that help us get thru. Thanks for sharing. Know that you are not alone. Sending you loving, warm thoughts and hugs . Be good to yourself.💐🌈

DamaskRose Sun 09-Apr-23 12:43:18

flowers for Su22 and Iam64. I’m so sorry for all those feeling this way. I find I miss my mother more as time goes by but the pain is not so great so I hope for the same for all of you too.

SueDonim Sun 09-Apr-23 12:44:50

I have no advice but just want to say you’re in my thoughts, Su22. flowers

maddyone Sun 09-Apr-23 13:02:31

I just want to say I’m thinking of you all today. I haven’t lost my husband yet, but one of us will lose the other at some point. We know it will happen when we say our vows, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I have no advice, how could I have, but just thinking if you all.

Iam64 Sun 09-Apr-23 18:51:50

Thanks maddyone. I have RA, and many health problems linked to it. I honestly never thought fir one moment that my fit, healthy, happy husband would die before me. Life eh ?

Joane123 Sun 09-Apr-23 18:57:10

flowers to you all xx

Palmtree Sun 09-Apr-23 19:14:00

I dont have any advice unfortunately. I just hope you can get through these Easter holidays which must make you feel incredibly lonely remembering happier times. Thinking of you and hope you can try some bereavement counselling xx

Greyduster Sun 09-Apr-23 19:27:34

There is no road map for this journey; I am coming up next week to having been without DH for a year, and it has been the hardest year of my entire life, but in among all the rock bottom wretchedness and heartache, there are moments of pure joy when I have a sense of him and know what he would want me to do with my life now. He was the most optimistic man on the planet and I think he has left me (and my children and my grandchild) a legacy of his optimism, so I’m trying to hang on to that for the future. It’s all you can do. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, ladies.💐

Whiff Sun 09-Apr-23 19:34:45

Su22 I was widowed 19 years ago aged 45. My husband was 47. My grief hasn't gotten any less I have just learnt to cope with it. But at times it's overwhelming and I can suddenly find myself in tears. I talk to my husband out loud everyday it gives me comfort. I have shouted at him ,swore at and screamed at him fir dieing. But I feel better after wards and I see him with that stupid grin on his face. We had 29 years together and married 22. We met when I was 16 and he was 18. I have written slot about grief on various threads on this forum. There is no right it wrong in grief . I lost half of myself the moment he took his last breath and haven't been whole since and never will be . I was very lucky to have had a wonderful husband and man in my life. We argued but never went to sleep without telling eachother we love eachother. Since his death I tell him every night I love him and still do. I am an atheist and do not believe in the after life. But my darling man lives on in our children's and 5 grandson's DNA and that comforts me.

Talk to your husband out loud . Scream ,shout ,cry or hit a pillow but whatever you do don't hold your feelings in. It will destroy you. I thought I had to be brave for years and could only let go at night in my bed. I was a fool.

Grief shouldn't be hidden but make it your friend and embrace it. It's the price we pay to be loved and love in return. Some live their whole lives and never know such love. Those of us who have lost it are lucky we had in the first place.

Romola Sun 09-Apr-23 19:57:20

I'm another, six months into widowhood after a long and beautiful marriage.
Su22, I am with you on your journey.
There is an organisation called Cruse which supports the widowed and other bereaved people. It might be worth looking into
Do anyvother Grannetters know anything about Cruse?

midgey Sun 09-Apr-23 20:51:58

Su22 to be honest I found that the second year without my husband was harder than the first. Life is different again this third year. I think I might sum it up as less worse! flowers

Luckygirl3 Sun 09-Apr-23 21:51:35

It is just over 3 years for me - you do not get over it, but you do start to learn to live with it, although sometimes there are moments of deep sadness that drop in from nowhere. is a site for those who have been widowed and is very supportive; and Cruse is an excellent organisation who propped me up when needed:

I am sending a hand hold, as many have kindly done for me in the past.

SusieB50 Sun 09-Apr-23 21:57:23

Su22 I have been widowed for 3 years , I still struggle but I’m getting used to being alone for long periods. I’m lucky in having family who are amazing in contacting me regularly and I am beginning to reconnect with old friends who I had drifted away from during the last couple of years during my DH’s ill health . Have some goals each day even if it’s something small. I have things arranged for two or three days a week even if it’s on my own . Sometimes it’s you that has to be proactive and invite people to meet up as many people feel awkward with bereavement. I’m fortunate ( or maybe not😞) that three of us who have been close friends for years have had partners die within months of each other and we are a good support . Be kind to yourself, 18 months is no time -I know I was not in a good place 18 months ago . 💐

Whiff Mon 10-Apr-23 00:07:25

All here you have to live the best life you can . After my husband's funeral all his side of the family vanished apart from his mom. I found woman didn't like it if their husbands offered to jobs for me. People who we knew very well would dash into a shop . It's was as if I had a disease that they could catch. As if grief could be caught. Our children where 20 and 16 when their dad died . And persuaded me to go to a bereavement group. I went it was useless . The woman had done a 12 week course and was married. Everyone was 20-30 years older than me. But I went for 2 years once a month until the children left home. But it never helped and only went because of them. Only someone who has lost the other half of themselves can understand what it feels like and it's shitty. Time in my experience doesn't heal you just cope.
I have been ill all my life and yet it was my fit healthy husband who died from cancer in agony . I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok. He died in minutes. But there is never any ok.

Having to make all the decisions about everything is hard after doing it as a couple. But it does get easier after 10 years this is my experience only. I once asked my son when will I stop grieving he said properly 20 years. But I will never stop grieving until the day I die.

My husband has missed so much it's not fair. But life isn't fair you just have to get through each day the best way you can. Luckily I have found time flies by. Especially since I moved 100+ miles away from where I lived. I found me again. I was lost from 2004 until 2019 when I moved here. After my husband died I had both parents and mother in law dependant on me . I wasn't free until my mom died in 2017 but it took me moving to finally do what my husband made me promise and that's life the best life I can and I do.

Grief hurts physically and mentally. And there is no cure.

But I would rather suffer from grief than never have had my husband in my life. I was very lucky to have him and his love and love him . I am lonely but not because I am on my own but I am lonely for him. I like living on my own doing what I want when I want. Took me a long time to get there. But I am happy and have family and friends who love me and me them.

We all have to find a way to live and it takes years . It's late and I am rambling my posts on other threads on this forum make more sense.

Just get through each day and before you know it a week has past and then a month. For newly widowed it's hard because there is so much to do . Then comes the lull after the funeral and that's the worse time. It's as if time stands still until probate goes through . Just do the best you can . 🌹

harrigran Mon 10-Apr-23 00:52:27

It is almost 19 months since I was widowed and it does not get any easier. I am only here and coping because I have fantastic family that look after me.
I thought I would die first because I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have major operations but one year later DH was diagnosed and his was inoperable.
What keeps me going is the fact that I dream about DH almost every night and that is a small comfort.

Hetty58 Mon 10-Apr-23 01:03:06

Su22, yes - it does get easier, but that takes such a long time. 27 years on, I still remember being utterly bereft. The grief was constant and raw, yet I just soldiered on, one day at a time.

I grew into my (enforced) new identity, did new things, spent far less time at home or with extended family (where he was obviously 'missing').

I found it far easier to mix with new people, through study, volunteering and work, who saw and valued me as an individual - rather than the sad, leftover 'half' of a couple. The company of people can be either a blessing or a trial - so do chose wisely.

absent Mon 10-Apr-23 07:35:35

Yes, it gets easier but the deep-seated grief never completely goes away. It just becomes easier to cope with everyday life. However, sometimes a memory, a conversation with a friend, a movie – whatever – will ambush you and it will be painful.

multicolourswapshop Mon 10-Apr-23 08:08:24

My dear husband died a few months ago after suffering from cancer for a year, he died having contracted sepsis . I’ve had friends of old who have been in touch since due to hearing about my husband. He was so well known in our community the church service and the crematorium service people gave a total of £1000+ to be given to the hospital he died in. Im donating a few dyson fans to the ward he was in as it was so so warm during my visits. I’m very fortunate I’ve had lots of family friends continuing to support me from near and far during this horrible time

Foxygloves Mon 10-Apr-23 10:00:01

I’m not sure it does get easier.
Yes, you learn to live with it, without them
Yes, it is what it is
But in the early months you are partly still in shock, even where the death was not entirely unexpected, but you are (hopefully) also cushioned by the sympathy and consideration of those around you.
Give it a few more months or even years and even very kind and not unintelligent friends will ask if you have “got over it”
Or, if you are managing to save your tears and grief for your private moments, will comment on “how well you are coping”
Five years down the line I still feel the loss of my DH and am desperately lonely inside but I pin a smile on my face, remain upbeat when in contact with the daughters, and put one foot in front of the other as I don’t want to be a moaning Myrtle or appear needy.
Perhaps not what you want to hear - I do wish you well, but be prepared for waves of grief at unexpected moments washing over you like waves in a storm. But you will survive.

Greta Mon 10-Apr-23 13:05:56

So true, Foxygloves. I also wish I could say it gets easier but for me it hasn't. C.S. Lewis wrote " I didn't know grief was so much like fear" and this resonates with me. I used to be so independent and 'fearless' but now I'm scared and get anxious about things I would have done almost automatically in the past. I do find nature a blessing and I do realise that what I'm going through is natural and that I'm certainly not alone.
Sometimes we manage to control grief but sometimes grief controls us. I'm sorry your life is so hard just now, Su22. Remember you have sisters on here and we are willing to listen.