Does it get easier?

You’ve Gone Away

I just can’t take in, it’s so very hard to bear,
My world has changed forever, now I see that you’re not there.
You were always there beside me, through our good times and our bad,
And we faced life’s storms together, through all those years we had.
We were youngsters when we married, my first love and my last,
When we looked into each other’s eyes, we fell in love so fast.
As the years passed by we were closer still, it almost felt as though,
Our hearts both beat in unison, as we watched our children grow.
As a parent you were magic, and you loved our kids so much,
You steered them through life’s rocks and reefs, but with such a gentle touch.
My soulmate, best friend, lover, it hurts so much to see,
That your smiling face and your warm embrace have been ripped away from me.
So brave through all your illness, though you’d reason to complain,
You’d kid me on that the hurt had gone, but I knew you were in pain.
And when at last you left me, though I knew you were at peace,
Though you’re suffering was now at an end, it brought me no release,
From the aching, empty void that sits just where you used to be,
I know you’re near, and through my tears, I still can’t set you free.
So days go by, and now I try to get my life on track.
I’ve just about accepted that you’re never coming back.
I focus on those happy times, sweet memories of our past,
I’ll always have those in my heart, to help me at the last.
It’s funny how it’s little things that bring you close to me..
Familiar places, favourite tunes, a savoured cup of tea…
So now I smile, because I know, that though you’ve gone away,
There’s still a part deep in my heart where you will always stay.
So thanks for sharing in my life, for all your loving care,
And though you’ve gone, I’ll soldier on, I know your love’s still there…

That’s lovely Greyduster.

GrandMattie I am sorry you for your loss. Unfortunately life isn't fair and no one knows how long we have to live . So we have to live it to the full. Grief is a heavy burden to bear but it's part of life. Only 2 certainties in life we are born we die. The rest is up to us. Glad your move closer to your daughter has changed your life. I know before my move I existed but since my move I live a full life. When I was first widowed aged 45 the thought of spending the rest of my life alone filled me with horror. But my husband was the love of my life and have never wanted anyone else. After 19 years he is still my husband and as far as I am concerned I am still married and always will be. Like you I was surprised how many came to his funeral. They came from all over the country it was standing room only at the Crem. I am glad my children and I didn't cry during the funeral as there where so many people to thank for coming. We didn't have a wake as we don't like them nor flowers but raised over £5,000 for the cancer ward that treated my husband. This may seem odd but it made me happy so many people came and as we are atheist's had non religious service . I remember smiling at the things the funeral director who did the funeral talk about my husband and he said all the things we had told him about him. But remember all I could hear was people crying and laughter. We had Mr Blue Sky by ELO playing as we left the Crem which was ironic as it was pouring with rain.

Yesterday would have been our 42nd wedding anniversary even though I registered the date it didn't dawn on me what it meant until the afternoon and then I just smiled and remembered all the things that went wrong that day. I am now 65 and my life has never been so full but it's things I want to do. My husband died in 2004 but it wasn't until my move in 2019 I lived the life I want. Had parents and mother in law dependant on me. Mom was the last to die in 2017.

Moving for me I found me again I hadn't realised I had lost myself. But I got get so wrapped up in my labels that I didn't realise it . But that's life. And even thought ill myself others needed me but I don't regret anything I did. When mom's dementia made her violent I couldn't put her in a home she was my mom and I loved her plus I knew I could look after her better than any home. It cost me health wise and still have the scars of the damage she did . She was my mom and loved her yes I hoped everyday day she had died in her sleep I know that sounds awful but my mom would have hated what she be came. My mom had died but her body lived on.

Grief isn't just for the dead but we can grief for the living and found over the years there is lots of different forms of grief. I am estranged from my son his choice I never saw it coming that's a living grief, lose of health and ability to do some things is another grief. Lose of a loved pet is another one. But we have a choice you can crumble under the weight of it all or it can make you stronger . I choose to make me stronger and whatever life throws at me as nothing is as bad as my husband dieing and losing half of myself the moment he took his last breath. I haven't been whole since and never will be but because of his love I can face every changellege life throws at me. We had 29 years together married 22. But to love and be loved is so precious and some people live their whole lives and never know that all consuming love and giving that love. So I am very lucky we had the time we did have and it keeps me going everyday day.

And I know I have said this all before but it's still true.

Greyduster your poem is lovely and so true. Thank you . Especially reading it yesterday .

Notoveryet grief can still overwhelm me at times but I go with it. If you hold it in you only hurt yourself. I learnt that the hard way I was a fool..Being widowed at 45 I thought I had to be brave now realise only I thought I had to be. Bereavement group was useless for me. Only went because my children thought it would help but it didn't. It was run by a married woman who did a 12 week course and everyone was over 20 years plus older than me. I was glad when they left home and could stop going. Luckily they never asked if it helped as I don't lie. They just asked if I had a nice time which I did they where nice people but didn't understand what I was going through.
No one should be a bereavement concsellor unless they had experienced it. As they don't understand how it feels. Some of the things this woman said was so stupid it was laughable. Unless you experience a thing no matter what keep your mouth shut as you can do more harm than good. I never talk about things I haven't experienced as to me that's wrong.
Anyway rambled enough .

Live each day to the full the best way you can.

To quote Maggie Smith, it doesn't get better it just gets different. Its 4 years for me. Cruse was not for me, but a local bereavement group led to making good friends with whom I meet up every week. My dogs kept me sane and we are very involved with agility and other canine sports. I miss him every day, there's a grandchild and a great grandchild he will never meet and that is hard. I try to enjoy life as I know he would have wished but grief can still be overwhelming sometimes. I guess I have more good days than bad now, but the bad can still be awful. I do hope your journey along this path none of us want to walk can bring you happiness along with the tears

That is beautiful Greyduster

Lovely, greyduster and thank you.

I wrote a poem this morning. I thought I would share it with you.

They Cancelled Spring

They cancelled Spring last year
For you weren’t here.
And Summer too without you
Held no cheer.

In Autumn woods, where once we laughed
And tried to catch the falling leaves,
The trees were silent
But the leaves said
“Who will catch us
Now that we have no hand of yours to fall upon?”
And I said “And who will catch me when I fall
Now that your hand is gone?”

But this year, though I miss you sore, the seasons
Show you to me in many a lovely thing.
Your favourite flowers growing in the Spring.
In Summer’s promise of beach and rock pool,
Heather hill and limestone dale
That were so dear to you.

And in Autumn, I will go to woods and try and catch the leaves.
Not as one who grieves, but in the sheer joy of remembering
All the silly things we used to do.
In those memories, you will be close, I know,
And there’ll be strength anew.

It does get easier because you learn to live with what you have.
You build a different life because you must and it’s a waste not to. I miss my husband every day, it’s not that deep raw grief you have in the beginning.
I often imagine it were different as we were a close couple and enough for each other, I have made different friendly acquaintances and joined things I wouldn’t have, I was getting quite lonely.
Find something you are fairly interested in and follow that up if you can, plan a holiday. I find I have to have something to look forward too.

grandMattie - I am so sorry that you have these two bereavements to deal with - I cannot imagine how very hard this must be. Sending a hand hold.

Ps. I’m not sure it’ll get easier. Only that the big DH-sized hole left becomes less intolerable to bear.

I’ve had a double whammy. My beloved, precious “baby” son died very suddenly 18 months ago aged 39. The crushing sorrow caused DH’s cancer to return and it killed him, horribly, 8 months ago. We had been married for 45 years.
DH and I tended to keep ourselves to ourselves but I was stunned at who came to the funeral.
I’ve had to deal with the grief of my DGS, aged 17 at the time, losing both his dad and granddad in such a short time. And that of my offspring too.
I cry frequently, ambushed by idiotic things/thoughts. My anger at the various medical agencies who could at least have tried harder with my two precious men, but am pragmatic. It is what it is.
Since then, I have moved from one side of the country to the other to be nearer DD. My life is completely different, I shall be alone for the rest of my life - probably some 20 years (oh, horror!) but have to make the best of it.
My grief is private, my solitude is to be bravely borne, my remaining offspring need all the support I can give them while I have my marbles…
Widowhood, like old age, is certainly not for sissies!

GrannySomerset as the years go by for me it gets harder. The grief gets worse as my husband has missed so much . Seeing our children grow , marry and have children of their own . We all cope the best way we can. People said to me the grief will get easier for me it doesn't and at times it overwhelms me even after 19 years. But as I have said many times we are the lucky ones to have loved and been loved in return. Some people live their whole lives and never know that.

I am worried about my best friend. She was widowed 6 months ago and has been to all the places she went to with her husband but not on her own . She's gone on holiday to their holiday home. She says she's making new memories. But to me she's erasing the memories of these places with her husband. I could never go to somewhere we stayed on holiday as those memories are precious. Making new memories yes but not at the expense of erasing the past.

I suppose the difference is my husband was 47 and me 45 when he died our children 20 and 16. Together 29 years married 22. Unfortunately they could never have children and where married 36 years and her husband was in his early 70's.

I hold the past with my husband as precious memories. It's hard making a new present and future but you have to and it's hard.

The difference between me and my friend is I had the children at home for 2 years then they left home permanently it's what I wanted they had to live their own lives. But from when my husband died I had both parents and mother in law who needed me. Even though having health problems all my life they needed me and looked after them until they died. Mom was the last to die in 2017. But I wasn't living my life to the full like my husband wanted I existed until I moved over 100 miles to live closer to my children in 2019 and live my life to the full . I finally have the life I want and needed but am fiercely independent. For her she never had her parents or in law's dependant on them and didn't have to look after them before their deaths. So they could live the lives they wanted .

GrannySomerset you may not be crying but something really stupid you see or do will set you off. Grief like life is unique for everyone. Just because you are coping doesn't mean you are inside . I feel like I am screaming in my head when I can't do something outwardly I am look ok. Prefect example I tried to get a plant out of my front garden . I have mobility problems so have to work out ways to do things. I tried getting it out but couldn't so decided to cut through the roots with my tree saw. That seemed to work but it still wouldn't come out. So decided to use my husband's large prized chisel to cut it into pieces. After hammering it in its stuck I can't get out . I was screaming my head off inside. So now I will wait until my son in law can come and dig it out for.

My fit healthy husband died from cancer in agony. I was born with a rare Neurological condition which finally got diagnosed last year aged 64. Only because of genetic blood tests.

Grief is a physical and mental pain. There are no rules how you deal with it. Whether you cry or not doesn't matter it's how you feel inside. Yes I cried but only at night in my bed until the children left home. I have screamed,shouted ,swore and hit a pillow blamed my husband for dieing . Anything bad that has happened I have shouted at him but I don't feel bad about it as I then see him with that stupid grin on his face.

The rage and anger I felt after he died shocked me and thought I was wicked but then realised it's part of grief. I still feel that rage and anger at times after 19 years. But I don't fight it I embrace it and feel better .

Like being a parent there is no handbook on being a widow or widower. You just do the best you can. Like I said as the years go by my grief gets worse but I cope until it overwhelms me but I don't fight it. As I learnt I only hurt me.

Don't be hard on yourself GrannySomerset only you know how you really feel . And grief like love never dies. Take care of yourself .

I am finding the second year harder, partly because I probably appear to be coping well, but I am not. I have yet to cry which probably doesn’t help - I can cry with frustration but not the sorrow which lies beneath the surface all the time. Coming across a cache of letters from him, written fifty years ago when he was away for a term, was painful, the sight of his handwriting almost too much to bear. Like so many of us, I am still married though to someone no longer here. After sixty years that won’t change.

Doesn't get easier you get better at coping .
Let people see you cry they may have been or are in the same situation
Grieving is all very personal we are all different.
I keep it in a box but the lid flies open many times .
These are the words that help me
When you have lost someone you love ..........
Do not make the mistake of living in sadness or living small to honour their absence,
You owe it to them to live more vividly than before

1st verse of "When you have lost someone you love" by Donna Ashworth Do hope this helps and sending lots of hugs

Sorry that should have been five weeks before we were married - not five months!! We hadn’t even had time to get used to being married…..

DH and I were married five months before he was sent away on his first overseas posting to some back of beyond place in the Far East that was mostly jungle. There were no phones, mobile or otherwise, and they managed to fly out mail intermittently which was what kept us both going. We knew he was going, which is why we decided to get married, but for a while that felt like a death to me. I felt completely desolate and cried myself to sleep often. It was before our children came so I didn’t even have them to distract or console me. It took me most of the year he was away to come to terms with it. But I was as certain as I could be then that he was coming back. Now, of course, he’s not coming back, but between then, and now, we had a wonderful life together and that’s what keeps me going. I still write to him, just as I did then, and I put the letters in his memory box. It helps to clear space in my head, and my heart, to tell him how much I love him now, just as I did then.

Pascal it must be upsetting seeing your husband on TV . But just think of all the joy he gave people with his acting .

I have only got photos of my husband and when it would have been our 40th wedding anniversary a few years ago I wanted to look at our album but couldn't on the day but did a few days later. But I didn't feel sad in fact I thought about all the things that went wrong that day it could have ended in disaster everything that happened but it didn't and the wedding and receptions went brilliantly. Even my horrible father in law had to admit it was the best wedding he had been to and had to put my mother in law to bed blind drunk. We did it on the cheap and catered for it ourselves.

DiamondLily your Nan's story inspired me to do something this morning that I haven't been able to do for over 19 years and listen to an ELO album including Mr Blue Sky which played as we left the Crem. I jiggled whilst baking for my craft group . One of our favourite bands.

My husband died over 35 years ago and it does get easier but there is always a lingering sadness at the thought of how it could have been, and I still miss his company.. he was an actor and occasionally I see him on TV when they do repeats which can be quite upsetting. I've done a series of etchings of him and other deceased and alive members of my family and remember them that way.. but it is a long, process. Grief is love with no place to go.. so true for me

Luckygirl3

Indeed. Bizarrely, one of the things that comforted me when my OH died was the fact that it is an everyday occurrence - all around the world thousands die every day - it helped me to put it in context somehow, but might not comfort others.

yes that thought helped me too, it was sink or swim and learning to adapt to my different life.

Ladyripple " I live a contented life with my husband tucked away inside me,always." I think that is me too, no point in me feeling envious of other older couples, who might be suffering in other ways. Life does go on for me, it has to

DiamondLily your nan must have inspired you throughout your life. She was a strong role model. My brother gave me the best compliment he could have when he met his 3rd wife he said he finally understood what my husband and I had. I told him finally he found someone for me to love . My mom on their wedding day in 2016 said finally someone who deserves him. It doesn't matter how long or short it takes when you find the other half of you finally you are whole. That's why it's so hard when they die.

Being with the right person is something to cherish and you become we . When they died you become I and that's so hard. Until they die you don't realise how much making decisions together was easier and it's so hard having to make them on your own. I know I have made some wrong ones where I used to live. But since I moved as much as I miss my husband I find making the decisions easier. I think it's because it was our house until contracts where exchanged it was still our home and still the children's rooms. Still his armchair ,still his study.

But here the bungalow is mine it was my choice and have surprised myself with all the colours and things I have chosen to make it mine. Even found out I am a gardener my husband said I had a black thumb turns out I have greenfingers. Our old house had to have a gardener after he died as it was to big for me. Gardening was his relaxation completely opposite to his work . And with my dad's help could grown anything apart from parsley.

I would much rather still be a couple but only with him . After his death had dependants and it wasn't until I moved I finally found me. But I am and will always be Mrs ,still wear my wedding ring still talk about my husband as if he's still alive. I hate having to say my late husband as he was never late in his life . We both liked to be earlier for things. Or worse saying I lost my husband which I am guilty of saying ,but then say if he was lost I would have found him .

Only another widow or widower doesn't matter if you where married or no or in same sex relationship only another person who's other half has died understands what it feels like.

I went to a bereavement group after my husband died I didn't want to but did it for my children they wanted me to go . It was useless . I was 45 next was a man 68 the woman where in their 70's -80's. The woman who ran it was married and had done a 12 week course. Luckily the children never asked if it helped, they just as if it was ok. They where nice people but they didn't understand the problems I faced. When the children left home I stopped going.

Only you know what you need to get through each day and that's different for everyone but something's are the same. Hope that makes sense.

Whether you are newly widowed or have been so for years living without your other half gets harder as the years go by but you learn to cope. But you must give yourself time I wrongly thought everything had to be done at once yes something's have to be, but others can wait until you are ready to face them. I couldn't sort out my husband's clothes until 8 months after he died and only then because my daughter helped me. Until then the only thing I had sorted out what he was to be cremated in. He said don't burn me in my Jeff Banks suit it cost £350 in the 90's . So I sorted out my favourite shirt and trousers . Couldn't let him go without his y fronts and choose a pair of Homer Simpson socks. He always carried a photo of me when I was 18 in his wallet so had the pic put in his top pocket. When I die my daughter will put my favourite photo of him in the coffin with me .

I was horrified when my parents thought he would just have a shroud. As I would have hated that but a friend of mine did just that 5 months ago and her husband was buried . I made sure both my parents where wearing clothes. I still wanted them to have dignity even though all 3 where cremated. And no one was allowed to view them once they left home.

I finally cleared the final few items of my husband's which was just his hospital file and gardening coat and shoes went I was decluttering before my move. But the only thing I have never beable to do is scatter his ashes. I know it's not logical as it's just a pile of ash not him but it would feel like I was throwing him away. Mad thinking I know. But our children both said I didn't have to and they will scatter us together. Well just down to my daughter now after my son's estrangement his choice not mine. My parents wanted to be scattered together so that's what my brother and I did. Dad died 10 years before mom. So at dusk we scattered them by a hut by the river Severn they used to sit in. I know you weren't supposed to but it's what they wanted we mixed their ashes together . They both believe they would met again . I am an atheist so was my husband and children.

So I always treat people the way I want to be treated in this life. Even if I have to complain I am nice about it. It's easy to be nasty but to me it's a waste of energy and you lose your argument.

As usual I have rambled on. Have the best day you can ..

Yeah, I am. He was the love of my life. We'd both been married before, we met whilst we were both going through divorces, and we used to call each other our "sloppy seconds"...we weren't of course. We were soulmates.

He will always be my husband - there will never be anyone else.

For some reason I thought of my Nan today. She was an Eastender, and stayed in East London, through the blitz and the war, along with my grandad, (injured in WW1) my mother and my uncle.

Three times they took a direct hit on their houses - and survived.

The last time they took a hit was with the last German bomb to hit the Eastend. My Nan, at that point, had another baby - 4 days old.

She helped dig out my mum, uncle and my grandad from the rubble. My grandad died - so there she was with 2 teenagers, a 4 day old baby, and a dead husband. No home, nothing.

She fought back - she was such a fighter. I was very close to her, because of my awkward mother, and she used to talk to me for hours about my grandad.

One day, as an adult, I remarked that she was only 42 when widowed, and that it was a pity she'd never met anyone else.

She looked at me and said "I had the best, why would I consider the rest?".

And, now, totally different circumstances, I get it.

DiamondLily glad you found this thread.

The death of the other half of you is physically and mentally exhausting . Plus all the paperwork which is never ending . Then on top of your own grief there are other people to deal some grieving for your loved one but others who are being horrible.

I have said many times before as much as it hurts to lose the love of your life at least we had that love and we loved in return. And that's something to cherish. Some people live their whole lives and never know such love . I have a friend who wishes she had that in her life but never found it.

Even after 19 years the grief still overwhelms me but I don't fight it and just have a good cry.

My husband was a draughtsman by trade but last 3 years of his life was half owner of a steel fabrication company. Still makes me laugh now he had a trade magazine delivered to our home it was called Wet News sounds kinky but it was about sewerage treatment works . I often wondered what the post man thought. It was a free publication and even thought I told them he had died many times it was still delivered every month. I moved in 2019 but it gives me a smile to think it many still be delivered.

I know that's very silly but hope it's given someone a smile today.

The grief never dies but the love doesn't either. I am still married and still have a husband his just not with me. I hate being classed as single as to me I am not.

Life is hard on your own but you can still have a good life but a different one. But it takes years so take your time . One day at a time and soon a week has gone by then a month and a year. But for me I will never be whole again but that's ok took me years to except that. But since moving here I live my life to the full I no longer just exist. I am happy and loved . Just one sad thing but those who know me know about that . But I have excepted what has happened and won't let it effect the rest of my life. What I had with my husband has given me the strength to fight on.

Just face each day the best way you can. 💐

We are all different of course but I found talking to friends who had also lost their husbands reassuring. We all felt our usual energy levels had disappeared, exhaustion compounded by poor sleep a theme. I was caught unawares by a low level of anxiety, unfamiliar to me. I’d double check locks, worry I’d left a gas ring on, drive slower than usual and feel slightly out of my depth with the endless admin. Friends reassured me it’s all too common as part of grief.

I’m 8 months into my life as a bereaved wife. I’m alone more than I’ve been before but not lonely thankfully. My daughters live close by, I have good friends and of course those dogs that take up lots of time (and money)

Sending love diamondlily 🌺🌸

Karmalady - goodness, that site does need a lot of personal info. I can see why they are so careful, and it keeps it safer, but it's different to most online sites.

I took a photo of the cert and bill - then just attached it to an email. My scanning is dubious as well.

My husband died a little over 2 weeks ago. I'm hoping it improves or at least calms down. I'm struggling to keep stable.

I don't want to contact the GP, because I guess this is normal and he will just send me medication - which I don't want. Neither do I want counselling - if I want to talk, in real life, I've got a really close (widowed) friend.

Some, on this site, have really helped, with their messaging, as well.

I've got friends, a lovely family, a nightmare step-family, and I end up worn out very quickly.

Condolences to those that have also lost a much loved person, however long ago it was. 💐