Does it get easier?

I have been a widow for 26years,I was 49 when my husband died suddenly,he was 52.

I had 3 teenagers and I did not cope well at all at first,people told me how well I was doing,but inside I was broken.

I met a widower after a few years and so thought that would “fix” me,it didn’t,although we were together over 10years,it just wasn’t right,so we parted.My husband was the love of my life.

I think of my husband every single day,but I have a life that is full,swimming,friends,my dog and garden,and glorious grandchildren.

One thing I find difficult is seeing my friends,still happily married to each other,travelling together,that makes me sad.I still haven’t been able to travel abroad on my own and now I never will.

But the deep grief of those early days has passed.I live a contented life with my husband tucked away inside me,always.

Oh and I don’t entertain,except family.

Indeed. Bizarrely, one of the things that comforted me when my OH died was the fact that it is an everyday occurrence - all around the world thousands die every day - it helped me to put it in context somehow, but might not comfort others.

This thread should be compulsory reading!
I am finding it very reassuring, life-affirming and comforting.
It’s so nice to feel that although I am alone, at the same time I am not, if you see what I mean!

midgey

Su22 to be honest I found that the second year without my husband was harder than the first. Life is different again this third year. I think I might sum it up as less worse!

On the day of the Bodach’s funeral someone said to me that that was the easy bit over, and now, in a way, I can see what she meant. I also remember so many people saying ‘ you know where we are’ , but I would never ask for help ( even from family, as I don’t want to appear ‘needy’ or not coping).
Since another widowed friend said to me that she felt the second year was harder, I wholeheartedly agree, as do many others I’ve spoken to. That’s why I try not to abandon friends who have suffered a bereavement.

The Heavy Stone

My grief was a heavy stone,

rough and sharp.

Grasping to pick it up

My hands were cut.

Afraid to let go,

I carried it.

While I had my grief

you were not lost.

The rain of my tears

smoothed it.

The wind of my rage

weathered it,

making it round and small.

The cuts in my hands have healed.

Now in my palm it rests,

sometimes almost beautiful,

Sometimes almost you.


Averil Stedeford

yes foxygloves, I don`t entertain couples outside of family any more, nor do I ask any favours

I never did get angry, I am more of a pragmatic living-in -the moment person, life is what it is. He passed quickly doing what he loved, not that horrible slow lingering ending to life, which is what so many have experienced.

It has helped being the oldest of 7, I always had to be independent and able to do tasks and it has helped that my 5 remaining siblings are close in spirit as are my 3 AC. I lost three close relatives during that 18 months after my husband. I could have stayed in that pit of despair but my nature is not like that, never has been and especially now that I am obviously going through another phase ie getting older on my own. I have a pick myself up mentality

I have to send a death cert and utility bill to way up. Got to re-learn how to scan, attach and send

At a practical level does anybody else find it hard to entertain?
We used to love having friends round until DH became too poorly, although even then, good friends to lunch or afternoon tea helped the relieve the monotony of just me.
I have had friends - mostly couples- to lunch, but find it hard to take the initiative, possibly sensitive to rejection or appearing needy. The logistics of cooking for more than just me, serving the drinks, chatting, not burning the food, and then of course the clearing up just defeat me. Too often I CBA!
Family do’s are different but exhausting.
Sinking into sloth?

What I found strange was wives suddenly became very protective of their husbands if they offered to do jobs for me as if I was looking for a replacement for my husband. - definitely this.

others are (or seem to be) “moving on” - I think the "seem to be" is the important bit here. To others you seem to be moving on but you know how raw it still is. We all put on a face as we know we cannot be a weeping heap forever or others will get tired of us.

A friend has just died - yesterday - she was only 59, much loved and well known in the village. I had known her 2 years but others had been brought up with her - school, work etc. There is a general air of shock and sadness amongst my friendship group and it is triggering so much for me - in spite of her not being a close friend I am feeling very sad. It just brought back so much as if it were yesterday that my OH died. So we have this to contend with every time someone dies.

I can well understand that feeling of anger. After my husband died I expected the grief and bone crushing loss but the rage and anger I felt was overwhelming. I thought I was being wicked. But quickly realised it all part of grief and needs to come out or you hurt yourself. It's been 19 years since my beloved died but still feel the rage and anger at times and know I always will. I have had health problems all my life and yet it was my fit healthy husband died in agony from cancer.

As I have said before I couldn't grieve properly after he died yes there where plenty of tears and being broken hearted but all I want to do was curl up in a ball and be by myself to wallow in self pity for a while. But couldn't do that. Our children where 20 and 16 when their dad died. Our daughter in her final year a uni and out son had started college a month before we knew my husband was terminal. Plus had my parents grief to cope with and my mother in law's dismissal she ever had a son or had 2 grandchildren. And no she hadn't and never did have any form of dementia until the day she died 11 years after her son.

My husband never liked his parents but loved them so never gave up on them no matter what they did or said to us. His dad died in 1988 aged 70 his mom 2015 aged 91.

Our daughter lived at home after her finals and helped her brother through A levels . He went to uni 2006 and told my daughter it was time to live her life and go back to the north west where she went to uni and had met her further husband. With many tears she did what I wanted. With them both leaving home permanently finally I could grieve during the day instead of in bed at night .

My health had gotten worse before my father in law died in 1988 but my darling husband attitude was we alter our way of life to suit what you can do and be a normal family. And out children had a normal life even with a disabled mom. It wasn't until I finally had my diagnosis last year I would use disabled to describe myself even though doctors told me I was from 1988. If it wasn't for my husband I could have done the things I have done.

When I had my diagnosis whilst I was filled with happiness the sadness I felt because my husband would be never know was crushing. I talk out loud everyday to him so told him be if course he would never know.

Grief for the other half of yourself never ends well that's my experience but the love never dies either. In the instant my husband took his last breath my present and future died. I know I have said this before. But I have met so many people who have lost their other halves and didn't realise it had. And it's so hard to make a new present and future alone.

Because I had both parents and mother in law to look after I couldn't live the life I needed or wanted until my mom died in 2017 .

Still didn't live the life until I moved to the north west in 2019 and finally live the life I want and needed. I am a whole different person. People know and like me for me no labels . I do thinks I never did before but it took me a long time to get too this point.

I would give anything to have my husband back fit and healthy but I can't. So the life I live is for me. A friend who was widowed in November has visited all the places she went to with her husband but not one her own but with friends. I am very worried about her . They brought a home in France over 10 years ago but only went for 2 weeks a year never rented it out. Luckily they had 2 weeks there last year together. She is going next month on her own for 2 weeks. She has never been their on her own and worry she won't cope. Also people will treat her differently. I did warn her it would happen here after her husband funeral she didn't believe me until it did . As many here know you find out who really cares about you as many so called friends and some relatives disappear.

What I found strange was wives suddenly became very protective of their husbands if they offered to do jobs for me as if I was looking for a replacement for my husband.

The loss of the other half of yourself never heals like I said this is my experience. But others I have talked to feel the same. I could never visit the places I went to with my husband it would be to hard and anyway I want to cherish those memories as they are ours.

I haven't had a holiday since 2005 and only because I promised my husband I would otherwise I wouldn't have gone. Hopefully next year once I get my state pension I will save up and go somewhere but it wouldn't be anywhere we went to together.

Everyone's grief is different but also the same. It's in the order you feel things also depends on how long you have been together as a couple and age you and they are when they die. I was 45 my husband 47 I didn't met anyone my age and those in there 60's and older didn't understand what I was going through. As we are all unique our grief is to.

Don't rush to do things and take it in your own time and if you need to wallow in your grief do it. Scream,shout,swear or hit a pillow do what you need . Only wish someone had told me that 19 years ago.

I absolutely agree with all I am reading here.
Yes - this is the rest of my life .
What is the point of planning for the future?
I am lonely despite pinning a smile on whenever I speak to anyone
That gap can never be filled, it’s like losing a limb, you learn to limp along but are never whole again.
Yes you have to be proactive (or else turn your face to the wall )
For me, 5 years on, I am expected to have “got over it”. Huh!
I also recognise and regret that after DH died I did feel it was all about me and didn’t support my AC who were grieving too.
Somebody, I think Katherine Whitehorn’s, said “widowhood is like being an unwilling refugee in a foreign country.” You don’t want to be here but you have no alternative.
I try to tell myself I’m not the first it’s happened to and I won’t be the last, but it’s still me.
I am totally aware of my own inadequacies, others are (or seem to be) “moving on” but I don’t want to for fear of losing that past life and the happy years - even the sad times, they are all I have.
So what is the answer? I honestly don’t know, one foot in front of the other? Not looking too far into the future? Enjoying the small joys and blessings?
Accepting that it is what it is -bad days, better ie bearable days - and good days when it is important not to feel guilty about enjoying something- although you so miss telling him about it.
A couple of years ago a poster who may no longer be a member, suggested I was “going on “ too much about DH etc. That was cruel and made me afraid I was being a Moaning Myrtle so I started bottling things up (“laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone”) and I would say to anybody bereaved whether 20 years ago or last week, never think you are being a Moaning Myrtle - anybody who thinks that of you has never experienced it.
Moan, cry, remember, but if I may quote Joyce Grenfell,
“Weep if you must, parting is hell
But life goes on, so sing as well”

I didn't/don't have the 'fear'/anxiety others talk about - but I was so angry, hopping mad, in fact, for years afterwards. Some anger was towards the world in general, that unfeeling world I didn't feel part of, couldn't connect with. Some was directed at him - how dare he leave me? (He really didn't want to go anywhere - but emotions aren't logical.)

Now, I think that anger was so useful, it spurred me on, gave me focus and strength, was my expression of all the hurt I felt.

I have applied to register with way-up, they do want a lot of personal information, much of which is only held by their admin, I did gulp because the gn anonimity is not in way-up. It is only for widows and widowers so they need to be sure about the applicants. It is definitely not a dating site btw

That was the first barrier for me broken and gone through, part of my defence wall is now down and I have taken a tiny step forward. I am looking forward to being able to go onto their forum. I never realised how much that alone feeling is deep within and how much of my well-being now is down to me and that includes aloneness, which really is mental health

I have joined a couple of groups that bring me into contact with others. It’s given me something to focus on and people to talk to. DH and I were always joined at the hip and he wasn’t a “joiner” but we were very happy in each other’s company. He left a very large hole in my life that, for the sake of my mental health, I have to fill, so that’s what I’m trying to do, and it’s hard to make the effort and find the courage but I hope I’m getting there. I looked at a couple of dedicated bereavement sites early last year and frankly they just made me feel worse. Taking that first step towards, as Karma put it, being pro active is possibly the hardest thing we’ll ever have to do as we get older, when confidence is thin on the ground and we don’t take anything in our stride any longer.

The process has started, craft courses and groups are thin on the ground. Saying good morning to everyone I pass is nice but is random. Next step for me is way-up

way-up.co.uk/join-us/

I have an open mind and fingers crossed and have found one craft guild that I will go to next month

We have to be pro-active, nothing falls into a lap and I need to be self-reliant rather than dependent on my busy AC. The inner loneliness is far the worst thing for me now and I can do my bit to remedy that, bearing in mind that I dislike formal coffee mornings and am not a twinset and pearls person

They now refer to ‘shell shocked’ as post traumatic stress disorder which I think it is. I have days when I just can’t cope even after 15 years. The health problems of old age just add to it.

I relived the last 2 weeks of his life like watching a film. - this is so true; I cannot shake it off at all, nor ever will I guess.

One of the things I regret is that I was so shell-shocked that I failed to support my DDs or understand the extent of their grief. They were hugely supportive to me, but I fear I was not to them - I had nothing left.

I had six months from his diagnosis to death. Medics began to say 18-24 months but I always knew six months. We tried to live our best lives in those months and managed it somehow despite the endless hospitals and brutal treatments
I’m six months widowed now. So many firsts and I’m now a year on from his diagnosis so inevitably remembering significant dates, of which there are many
Like karmalady I’m aware I’m getting old alone. I’m 74 and my awareness that we don’t know what tomorrow brings, or how long we have to live was always strong but strengthened by my husband’s untimely death
Gransnet has many of us, trying to make the best of our lives, living with huge loss

It is eight years for me since being widowed very suddenly, no warning just a policeman and air ambulance, he went out and never came home. No time for me to prepare. I got busy, that was my way, always busy. Packed up the house 3 years later, moved the following year and have spent 3 years being busy, getting my house ready, getting the garden ready

It is all done now and I feel in limbo, I cannot shake off that I am getting old by myself. I go on the bus, I say good morning to everyone, I go to superficial U3A meetings but at the end of the day I am alone and it is getting to me. I am doing my best to shake myself out of it but quite honestly people are in their set groups and bubbles and I am in a solo bubble, rolling along

Today I am on the internet hunt for interest groups, classes and courses. This is very much what I did during the first couple of years, of course lockdown ruined all the progress I had made. I need to start that process all over again, moving house and prepping the garden was a wonderful time killer but for me now, interest groups will be the way forward.

I found when I went out I always wished people good morning etc. Because you never know if you are the only person they speak to all day. I know how much it felt to me to talk to people.

Not long after lockdown had to see my GP . Only one person allowed in at a time. I got talking to an old man . He and his wife had Covid he was worse but she died. He was in his 80's and was lost he couldn't understand why he lived. He went in before me. And when I came out he had waited for me. Because he said you understand. I spent over 30 mins talking to him and at the end he said thank you and wish he could have hugged me. He said he would live even though he didn't want to because I made him realise it's what his wife and family would want.

I have been ill all my life finally found out my diagnosis last year. I was born this way. Yet my fit healthy husband got cancer and died. Life is not fair but it's life. I don't believe at life at any cost . It's quality of life not length that counts. I know my mom had dementia she had no quality but I looked after her she lived with me. She died long before her body. That is not a life I want to live. So do everything possible to keep my mind and body active.

LRavenscroft your friend has found a way to cope and it must have been hard for her to do. But it's what we all have to do too live a full life. My husband died in 2004 aged 47,dad 2007 aged 80, mother in law 2015 aged 91 and my mom 2017 aged 90. I looked after them all. I do not want that for my daughter. As I didn't realise how much my own health was effected until after mom died. I got jaundice and could have died. Luckily didn't find that out until my gastrologist discharged me. As people with my bilirubin levels normally died. It makes me more determined to make the best of everyday. And take joy in little things like a flower.

I have a friend who lost her husband at 63. She had already had several bereavements with her own family and then he was diagnosed. She seems to have found comfort in paying attention to the detail in life, remembering birthdays, visiting elderly relatives, walking in beautiful places each day and paying a lot of attention to her home and garden. I would not say that she is sociable but she always finds time to have a chat etc. I really admire her strength and don't think I would be as brave as she is, but, she has inspired me to make the most of each of my days as I cannot imagine what she has been through. I wish you courage for each day, and light and love for the coming months.

To all of you with any anniversary of your loved ones death,birthday etc the firsts are always the hardest but it took me 14 years before the anniversary of my husband's death to stop reducing me to a sodden mess. I relived the last 2 weeks of his life like watching a film. My children never knew . I hid it from them when they still lived at home until 2006 . Then they used to text to check I was ok on the day. I used to say I was fine . It wasn't until the 14th year that my daughter phoned instead of text and it all came out. She told her brother and they rightly told me I should have told them. I vowed I wouldn't let myself get into that state again and haven't. I now celebrate his life on the day ( well everyday) yes I shed a few years but it's happy tears as I remember all the silly things he said and did.

It took me 14 years to get too that point. Please don't be hard on yourselves do what you need to do on the anniversaries etc. Cry, scream,shout ,swear or hit a pillow just do what makes you feel better.

When the other half of you dies your present and future die to . You still have the pass but it's so hard making a new present and future. For me I had to do an awful lot of firsts. I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18. Making decisions by yourself is so hard but you have to do it and yes you will make wrong ones but don't dwell on them. It takes years to get comfortable making all the decisions. This is my experience only and can't say how others cope.

My husband made me promise to go on holiday a year after he died. I didn't want to but all the promises I made him I keep to this day as they are important to me. I went to York on the train I don't drive. Never been on holiday by myself ,walked into a pub,ordered a meal plus all the other first I did in 4 days. The hotel I stayed was all couples so the lovely waiters when they had a few minutes sat with me when I had my dinner.

When it should have been our 40th wedding anniversary was especially hard . I wanted to look at our wedding album but couldn't until 3 days after. Then I just remembered all the things that went wrong that day but also what a wonderful day it was . It made me laugh as my dad made home made wines and had made a punch. My dad's wines where strong and he put in a bottle of brandy as well. My parents had been buying a bottle of spirit when they where cheap from when we got engaged on my 18th birthday. We got married when I was 23. They even brought champagne. It was 1981 so we catered for the wedding meal ourselves. My parents paid for the food and all the booze. So it was free drink..They paid for 2 waitresses to wait on the top table. I wasn't brought up with money . But everyone said it was the best wedding they had been to including my horrible in laws who didn't want us to cater for it ourselves and tried to bribe us to have the meal in a hotel. I even made the table decorations. My husband and I paid for everything else. As I was always careful my wedding dress cost £40. £30 for the satin and lace and £10 to have it made. This was 1981. No one went home in a car they where to drunk. Except us and my parents. I have to laugh even now at midnight I was sweeping the floor of the church hall along with my husband. And helping my parents clear the room and clean it.

Hopefully that will make you smile. And no I wasn't my wedding dress as I had changed into a dress for the evening. Even our honeymoon was on the cheap a Haven chalet in Cornwall we went to on the Sunday. There was that much food we when with a box of leftovers including a bottle of champagne my parents put aside for us. Neighbours and friends had leftovers and the freezer was full with them. My parents always brought cheaper but wholesome food. And my dad was king of the bargains.

It doesn't matter if you had been with the other half of yourself a year or 50 you are never the same . 19 years on I still feel half of me is missing. And my grief has no end but you learn to cope. Only do what things need to be done don't try and do everything at once. Took me 8 months before I could sort out my husband's clothes and only because my daughter helped. You will know when is the right time for you to do things.

Grieve for me never ends but neither does the love for my husband. I hate being classed as single as to me I am still married and always will be. Still go by Mrs and still wear my wedding ring. Still sleep on myself of the bed. But in the early years found myself wake on my husband's side showed me how upset I must have been . Only the other morning I woke on my husband's side of the bed. But that wasn't due to my grief for my husband but another matter which upset me. Others may recognise my name from other threads so will know why.

There is no timetable for grief so just get through each day the best way you can. But remember to eat and drink and look after yourself. It's hard and the loss in my case gets harder as the years go by but you learn to cope. So be kind to yourself and live the best life you can.

Grief is the price we pay to love and be loved in return. But we are lucky we had that. Some people live their whole lives and never have that. 🌹to you all.

It will soon be the first anniversary of my dear husband's passing and I'm dreading it with my whole being. A few months ago I thought things were maybe getting a tiny bit easier, I had the odd day when I didn't cry quite so much and then even started feeling guilty about that. Then it all come back again tenfold and it's no easier at all.
Greta's comments ring a real bell as I am now so anxious about every little thing even going to the shops in case the car breaks down or I have an accident or whatever stray thought comes into my mind., things that wouldn't have bothered me at all a year ago. It seems that every day is another endurance test.
I try hard to be cheerful in front of other people and then I look around and everybody seems to be in couples and, like so many of you other gransnetters, I'm not part of one anymore.
Sad though it is it's also reassuring to know there are so many others who feel the same way and are going through the same very difficult times. Best wishes to you all.

MadeinYorkshire your loss must feel overwhelming at times. Good to know your dog is ever present x

Thank you to everyone who has commented with their good wishes, stories and messaged me etc I was really low over the weekend but reading all the postings made me realise I am not alone in feeling this way. a big to you all.

Good morning everyone. The sun is shining in north Manchester but it’s cold.