Does it get easier?

So much in these posts resonates with me.

I too was deeply tied up in organising care for my OH - battling would be a more accurate word. It consumed every waking moment, and did not even stop after he died - I was owed money relating to his care and had to battle for that as I did not know whether I would manage otherwise. All this when I had just seen him dying.

And yes exhaustion - living on adrenaline for months during his illness, then the funeral arrangements, then money worries and battles and then ..... flop.

As to music - I cannot even listen to so much of the music that I love because it reminds me of us listening to it together. And the people I thought were our closest friends have barely got in touch; and when I rang the husband answered and said wife was in the garden, and did I want something in particular. Ouch.

But I moved house to be near friends and a social life so I do now have support around me.

All these things are hard and they hurt; but I do plough on and, Su22, there are moments of happiness, things that pull me back into real life rather than dwelling on the past and its traumas. Celebration weekends like Easter and Christmas can be hard I know. But I hope that as time passes you too will find those moments that bring you back to life.

Please do try "Way-up" - everyone on that site is living a life they would not have chosen, but they have good advice to share and arrange zoom get-togethers as well as face-to-face. I only go on the forum, but there is lots going on I know. It might be of help to you.

I'm sorry but I haven't managed to read a lot of the posts through my tears ...

As many of you will know, my daughter died in November, I lost her to suicide, but we do think that this time it was accidental for several reasons, she just wanted to quieten the voices in her head and didn't think.

As my health has deteriorated over the last 2 decades, so has my friendship circle, one by one they have dropped off, as they did with her. It was lovely that over 100 people turned up to her funeral, and we had some lovely memories from different people who had known her in different periods of her life, but where were they when she was alive?? We were both very socially isolated, as when you aren't able to do much, you don't actually have much to talk about!

I am now scared to go out, I don't want to leave the safety of my home, and she became the same the more her mental declined. She was talented, clever, bright and bubbly, caring, but when she was in her head, she could be vile, violent on occasion and completely irrational - it wasn't that we weren't expecting it at some point, she had tried many times before, just not that point. I did manage to go out yesterday for a little while, up to where her ashes are buried with my mum, brother, daughter and granddaughters and I planted some bluebells for her, her favourite flowers, but I won't go out again this week until Friday to see mum and go to the doctors.

I do talk to her, I shout up when the front door is locked and say goodnight every day, daft but it's what I did when she was here ....

The loveliest thing was that someone contacted me that didn't really know her , or me, had hunted me down on Facebook, but she had left her with a very lasting impression ...

"Hey, I was umming and ahhing about whether to send this. I am assuming you are C’s mum. Apologies if I am wrong and you are another relative.

I knew C loosely from school but was a few years below her. I didn’t know her too well but I had one distinct memory of her that I thought was worth sharing with you. I had just been asked to join the jazz club at school, and when visiting she was singing and I remember just being in awe. The beauty of her voice. It literally gave me goose bumps. And as a younger child in school I definitely looked up to her.

We also performed together in the school play Oliver.

I was saddened to see the news and send my condolences to you and your family.

I just wanted to let you know my memory of her was thinking “wow she is so talented”. And how although I didn’t know her well that brief memory will always stay with me and I will always think of her in this way.

I appreciate I don’t know her well so I hope this doesn’t feel out of turn but I felt I should say this."

That was lovely, and really made me cry, which I can't do very often, but maybe I need to?

As *Greta says "now I'm scared and get anxious about things I would have done almost automatically in the past" - that's exactly me, year by year because of my health, and now because she has gone, grief has made it far worse. I have been doing a zoom support group with others affected by suicide, and I have found that helps, but it's the last session this week and that is terrifying me.

The weeks up to and shortly after her funeral, everyone was visiting etc, but as expected, I have been left alone with my grief and guilt, and if it wasn't for my other daughter, mum, and my dogs, I would have followed her by now. My dog sat with her for 14 hours the night she died, and he is basically doing the same with me and has saved me a couple of times. If I weren't here, then there's no-one who could have him.

Sending my best wishes to all of you who are struggling x

Some mornings when I’m in the study I ask Alexa to play Time in a Bottle. I look at a lovely picture of DH on the windowsill and will him to hear the words.

Yes, music has the capacity to reduce me to tears. It catches unawares and I find myself back in that special place with him

If anything is going to tip me over the edge it is music. DH was always singing (Welshman, of course - ‘hymns and arias,’ and all that😊) and he had a great voice - just couldn’t ever remember words, so he made them up as he went along, and used to make us all laugh. But the other day Nessum Dorma (which I am not a particular fan of) popped up on the radio and I sobbed all the way through it. A lot of the music we listened to together I can’t listen to anymore because it breaks my heart.

Yes Iam64, I can empathise, I too seemed to survive on adrenalin. During DH's last weeks I lost 15 kilos and was perpetually exhausted.
It took me a few weeks to move back into our bedroom but I was surprised how comforted I felt when I did return.
I still often need to go to sleep listening to classical music, I have one favourite disc in the player all the time.

Can I ask others about the exhaustion that accompanies grief? In the six months dominated by hospitals, treatments and their side effects, terrible news and more terrible news, I seemed to function on adrenalin and love. The week in which we were end of life care was a continuation, I managed on little rest hardly any sleep, stayed with my lovely husband as his life on this earth came to an end. I organised a big funeral, was interviewed by our local press, took care of my children and their children and once Christmas 8 weeks after he died, was over I stopped working. I get every cold or other bug my grandchildren bring in. I’m sleeping better now but that’s better in comparison with badly
I’m wondering if I’ll ever get my energy back
Anyone else ?

George’s gran, good that you contacted the ward and disappointing you had to. I sometimes wonder about rage and anger, not emotions I often feel but definitely part of the grieving
My husband appeared fit, he did a ten mile walk the day before his devastating metastasised stsge 4 diagnosis. I sometimes feel so angry at the ‘unfairness’ of it all but remind myself life isn’t fair and I have blessings to count
I’m alone without him. Not lonely as I have family friends and dogs but yes, I feel alone without him

My post resonates with so many before it. My ever optimistic DH died during, but not from Covid in March ‘21 and had a sad little funeral with only 15 mourners present. I found the first year hard, but a DGS2 born a few months later brought joy and sadness too, as it was expected that DH would’ve lived to see him. There was lots of practical and financial stuff to be done after he died and I threw myself into it for the rest of the year.
Post Covid, I realized there were a some big and probably expensive jobs to do around the house that had been put off, so that took up a lot of my time last year.
None of this detracted from my feelings of loss and a degree of isolation. My little band of friends have never wavered, although one died last month. We often speak of DH, as I believe that’s the only way to keep his memory alive.

It is hard and a brave face isn’t easy.

Does it get better? I’ll let you know in 10 years time, but from regular posters on GN it would seem not, but becomes more acceptable. We cannot change it.
Into my 3rd year now, I’ve had to buy a new car without DH’s input - might be a mistake, but at least it’s mine to make. A bit of trial and error, but it’s the only way.

We too raised money for a local charity (based in the Ward where he was treated). We sent them just short of £5000 and almost a year later, I actually had to contact them for a reaction to the donation - it was a disappointment that they hadn’t bothered, as if he hadn’t mattered to them whenever he’d been a frequent patient there. I found that hit me hard and sort of blew it out of proportion.
Perhaps bring realistic - it was something ‘solid’ to get angry about?

Sending you hugs.
Call friends, meet them for coffee, cry if you feel like it, talk about your husband and your feelings. People don’t know if the bereaved should be talked about and so avoid doing so, they will take the lead from you. I encourage two friends to talk about their husbands because it shouldn’t be the elephant in the room. I know others aren’t so comfortable talking about bereavement but you won’t know until you do.

I used to be so independent and 'fearless' but now I'm scared and get anxious about things I would have done almost automatically
Exactly! While I have every sympathy for you, I am relieved it's not just me!
I don't know if my self-confidence will ever return properly or if advancing age will put the kibosh on that.
I do put on a brave face and like Anna in The King and I, try to "convince myself that I'm not afraid"
But it's all a facade!

Foxygloves and Greta, your posts resonate with me. I’m only six months on from what in the end was an unexpected, brutal end to an unexpected and brutal six months from diagnosis to death.
I’d not known the CS Lewis linking grief and fear quote. Fear hasn’t been a significant part of my life but it is now. I’m anxious about things I’d have taken in my stride in the past. Some of it links to being solely responsible for everything but it’s deeper than that

This thread is another of those that reminds you what a good place grandnrt can be

So true, Foxygloves. I also wish I could say it gets easier but for me it hasn't. C.S. Lewis wrote " I didn't know grief was so much like fear" and this resonates with me. I used to be so independent and 'fearless' but now I'm scared and get anxious about things I would have done almost automatically in the past. I do find nature a blessing and I do realise that what I'm going through is natural and that I'm certainly not alone.
Sometimes we manage to control grief but sometimes grief controls us. I'm sorry your life is so hard just now, Su22. Remember you have sisters on here and we are willing to listen.

I’m not sure it does get easier.
Yes, you learn to live with it, without them
Yes, it is what it is
But in the early months you are partly still in shock, even where the death was not entirely unexpected, but you are (hopefully) also cushioned by the sympathy and consideration of those around you.
Give it a few more months or even years and even very kind and not unintelligent friends will ask if you have “got over it”
Or, if you are managing to save your tears and grief for your private moments, will comment on “how well you are coping”
Five years down the line I still feel the loss of my DH and am desperately lonely inside but I pin a smile on my face, remain upbeat when in contact with the daughters, and put one foot in front of the other as I don’t want to be a moaning Myrtle or appear needy.
Perhaps not what you want to hear - I do wish you well, but be prepared for waves of grief at unexpected moments washing over you like waves in a storm. But you will survive.

My dear husband died a few months ago after suffering from cancer for a year, he died having contracted sepsis . I’ve had friends of old who have been in touch since due to hearing about my husband. He was so well known in our community the church service and the crematorium service people gave a total of £1000+ to be given to the hospital he died in. Im donating a few dyson fans to the ward he was in as it was so so warm during my visits. I’m very fortunate I’ve had lots of family friends continuing to support me from near and far during this horrible time

Yes, it gets easier but the deep-seated grief never completely goes away. It just becomes easier to cope with everyday life. However, sometimes a memory, a conversation with a friend, a movie – whatever – will ambush you and it will be painful.

Su22, yes - it does get easier, but that takes such a long time. 27 years on, I still remember being utterly bereft. The grief was constant and raw, yet I just soldiered on, one day at a time.

I grew into my (enforced) new identity, did new things, spent far less time at home or with extended family (where he was obviously 'missing').

I found it far easier to mix with new people, through study, volunteering and work, who saw and valued me as an individual - rather than the sad, leftover 'half' of a couple. The company of people can be either a blessing or a trial - so do chose wisely.

It is almost 19 months since I was widowed and it does not get any easier. I am only here and coping because I have fantastic family that look after me.
I thought I would die first because I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have major operations but one year later DH was diagnosed and his was inoperable.
What keeps me going is the fact that I dream about DH almost every night and that is a small comfort.

All here you have to live the best life you can . After my husband's funeral all his side of the family vanished apart from his mom. I found woman didn't like it if their husbands offered to jobs for me. People who we knew very well would dash into a shop . It's was as if I had a disease that they could catch. As if grief could be caught. Our children where 20 and 16 when their dad died . And persuaded me to go to a bereavement group. I went it was useless . The woman had done a 12 week course and was married. Everyone was 20-30 years older than me. But I went for 2 years once a month until the children left home. But it never helped and only went because of them. Only someone who has lost the other half of themselves can understand what it feels like and it's shitty. Time in my experience doesn't heal you just cope.
I have been ill all my life and yet it was my fit healthy husband who died from cancer in agony . I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok. He died in minutes. But there is never any ok.

Having to make all the decisions about everything is hard after doing it as a couple. But it does get easier after 10 years this is my experience only. I once asked my son when will I stop grieving he said properly 20 years. But I will never stop grieving until the day I die.

My husband has missed so much it's not fair. But life isn't fair you just have to get through each day the best way you can. Luckily I have found time flies by. Especially since I moved 100+ miles away from where I lived. I found me again. I was lost from 2004 until 2019 when I moved here. After my husband died I had both parents and mother in law dependant on me . I wasn't free until my mom died in 2017 but it took me moving to finally do what my husband made me promise and that's life the best life I can and I do.

Grief hurts physically and mentally. And there is no cure.

But I would rather suffer from grief than never have had my husband in my life. I was very lucky to have him and his love and love him . I am lonely but not because I am on my own but I am lonely for him. I like living on my own doing what I want when I want. Took me a long time to get there. But I am happy and have family and friends who love me and me them.

We all have to find a way to live and it takes years . It's late and I am rambling my posts on other threads on this forum make more sense.

Just get through each day and before you know it a week has past and then a month. For newly widowed it's hard because there is so much to do . Then comes the lull after the funeral and that's the worse time. It's as if time stands still until probate goes through . Just do the best you can . 🌹

Su22 I have been widowed for 3 years , I still struggle but I’m getting used to being alone for long periods. I’m lucky in having family who are amazing in contacting me regularly and I am beginning to reconnect with old friends who I had drifted away from during the last couple of years during my DH’s ill health . Have some goals each day even if it’s something small. I have things arranged for two or three days a week even if it’s on my own . Sometimes it’s you that has to be proactive and invite people to meet up as many people feel awkward with bereavement. I’m fortunate ( or maybe not😞) that three of us who have been close friends for years have had partners die within months of each other and we are a good support . Be kind to yourself, 18 months is no time -I know I was not in a good place 18 months ago . 💐

It is just over 3 years for me - you do not get over it, but you do start to learn to live with it, although sometimes there are moments of deep sadness that drop in from nowhere.

www.way-up.co.uk is a site for those who have been widowed and is very supportive; and Cruse is an excellent organisation who propped me up when needed: www.cruse.org.uk

I am sending a hand hold, as many have kindly done for me in the past.

Su22 to be honest I found that the second year without my husband was harder than the first. Life is different again this third year. I think I might sum it up as less worse!

I'm another, six months into widowhood after a long and beautiful marriage.
Su22, I am with you on your journey.
There is an organisation called Cruse which supports the widowed and other bereaved people. It might be worth looking into
Do anyvother Grannetters know anything about Cruse?

Su22 I was widowed 19 years ago aged 45. My husband was 47. My grief hasn't gotten any less I have just learnt to cope with it. But at times it's overwhelming and I can suddenly find myself in tears. I talk to my husband out loud everyday it gives me comfort. I have shouted at him ,swore at and screamed at him fir dieing. But I feel better after wards and I see him with that stupid grin on his face. We had 29 years together and married 22. We met when I was 16 and he was 18. I have written slot about grief on various threads on this forum. There is no right it wrong in grief . I lost half of myself the moment he took his last breath and haven't been whole since and never will be . I was very lucky to have had a wonderful husband and man in my life. We argued but never went to sleep without telling eachother we love eachother. Since his death I tell him every night I love him and still do. I am an atheist and do not believe in the after life. But my darling man lives on in our children's and 5 grandson's DNA and that comforts me.

Talk to your husband out loud . Scream ,shout ,cry or hit a pillow but whatever you do don't hold your feelings in. It will destroy you. I thought I had to be brave for years and could only let go at night in my bed. I was a fool.

Grief shouldn't be hidden but make it your friend and embrace it. It's the price we pay to be loved and love in return. Some live their whole lives and never know such love. Those of us who have lost it are lucky we had in the first place.

There is no road map for this journey; I am coming up next week to having been without DH for a year, and it has been the hardest year of my entire life, but in among all the rock bottom wretchedness and heartache, there are moments of pure joy when I have a sense of him and know what he would want me to do with my life now. He was the most optimistic man on the planet and I think he has left me (and my children and my grandchild) a legacy of his optimism, so I’m trying to hang on to that for the future. It’s all you can do. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, ladies.💐