Does it get easier?

Monday I went to York for a holiday and stayed until Friday. I went to York a year after my husband died as he made me promise to go on holiday a year after he died. Why I picked York I have no idea and went for 3 days . I went into the minister ,went on the hop off hop on bus but didn't get off until the start. I went into a pub for lunch . I was 46 never been on holiday or even walked into a pub by myself. I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18.

I had planned to do things I wanted and did them . Went to York cocoa factory ,hop on hop off bus and Betty's tearoom for afternoon tea.

I stayed at the Layerthorpe premier Inn which has accessible rooms so prefect for me.

I had lunch on the Monday I. The golden fleece pub which was built in 1509.
Visited York regiment museum,Art museum and York museum. Went into lots of shops and art galleries. Went to the Shambles to much Harry Potter tat for tourists. The Christmas shop was beautiful but very expensive. But did find shops which had things I brought for family and me.

I went to look at the minster and the pub I went into . I found the hotel I stayed in ,in 2005 and felt nothing no memories or sadness. Everything I had done during my stayed exercised the ghosts of that time . I am not that 46 year old who spend most of the time crying in her room . I am the 66 year old that feels proud I faced my ghosts and felt happy I did. I even saw my husband with that stupid grin on his face and knew he would be proud of me .

My grief deepens but my love for him has never lessoned the rage and anger still gets me through everyday day. But I know I am living the life he wanted for me . My life is full . Yes grief still overwhelms me even after 20.5 years but I let it and feel ready to face anything. All because of my love for my husband and his love for me .

I am looking forward to going on holiday twice next year in May and September already decided where I want to go.

Hopefully my words have helped someone who needs them .

Grief is the heavy price we pay for love . But it's worth every tear. 💖

Luckynan I’m so sorry about your sister. You were obviously very close and must miss her a lot.
I understand that feeling of not knowing where to turn. I keep thinking there is somewhere or someone I could go to that would put the world back on its axis and everything would be ok again.
Do you have family of your own to talk too. Dont try and bottle things up. Sending you a hug

Luckynan I am sorry about your sister everything you are feeling is normal and all the tears are your way to cope. Don't try to be brave or think you have to pull yourself together for the sake of others you don't . Luckily I still have my brother but have faced him nearly dieing twice since my husband died. I am 16 months older than him . Our dad died 3 years after my husband I told him I didn't want another man in my life dieing . I can't imagine a world without my brother.

From what friends have said who have sisters they can be poles apart or like you and your sister very close. You have lost not just a sister but friend and someone you could count on. Due to better healthcare a person's life expectancy has increased so 78 is not old and having no warning she was going to die is hard to understand it's no wonder you feel so heartbroken .

You say you don't know where to turn but you have this thread and can pour your heart out here as there are bound to be others who are grieving for their sister also and will know exactly how you feel. I wouldn't insult you by saying I know how you feel because I have never had a sister ,but my sister in law is like a sister and my best friend is to .
As I have said to people who have the other half of themselves die and will say to you talk out loud everyday to your sister it does help it doesn't matter what you say if you feel angry about her dieing tell her but don't hold your feelings as you will only hurt more. I don't know if you have gone through all the stages of grief yet as everyone is different but don't fight any of them as you need to go through them no matter how painful. You know what your sister would say to you and in between the tears think about all the funny things she did and the mad things you did together growing up they will make you smile . And even that will help you for a time.
I don't know anything else to say as I don't know what you are feeling but I do now what grief does to you. Please make sure you eat healthy food and drink as you know your sister would nag you if you don't.

My darling sister died suddenly six weeks ago. She was 78
a year older than me. We were so close and best friends as well as sisters. We spoke every day. I feel as though I will never get over the shock and the grief is just overwhelming me.
I know at our age it is maybe something to be expected but stupid as it sounds we were both in good health until recently and never really discussed dying.
I can’t believe I will never see her, talk to her or hug her again. We didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I’m finding it impossible to get through the days without breaking down and crying for hours on end. I know I am not own my own and all her family are heartbroken. I am trying to be strong for their sakes but just find myself not wanting to do anything or talk to anyone. It all feels unreal
I have experienced bereavement in my life but have never felt such grief as I do now and I don’t know where to turn. I’m crying my eyes out as I’m writing this.

Finger trembled and pressed post.
You are suffering now but it's only worse after the funeral as you realise it's real and you are alone . You know that already but the funeral re enforces the fact. Then you find out who your real friends are and who truly loves you as after my husbands funeral people disappear and all my husband's family apart from his mom ,but she denied she ever had a son or had 2 grandchildren. His parents where vile people he never liked them but loved them so he never gave up on them . I have said about his parents before.

There is no mending from the other half of yourself dieing and you will never be whole again . Well that's my experience. I remember saying to my son years ago when dies grief stop he said probably 20 years but it never stops 20.5 years on and my grief is worse but my love just as strong . You think you will never get used to living on your own but you do and I would hate to live with anyone now. Even though I moved 5 years ago I brought my husband with me in my heart and mind . Plus his ashes are still in my wardrobe. It's not him but I couldn't part with them . My daughter will scatter us together like my brother and I did with our parents .

You may thing it strange I only mention my daughter and not my son . He decided 4 years ago to give the boot as his mom via email. I hadn't done anything wrong and he hadn't got the guts to face me and tell me . How I raged at my husband shouting this would never have happened if you hadn't died . I know some would say that wicked but I have talked to my husband out loud everyday day and would encourage everyone to do that it does help . I have raged ,swore ,shouted at my husband for dieing but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face . I have nothing with his voice or videos only photos . But I hear how he phrased things . The anger and rage I still feel over him dieing gets me through each day. You will find what gets you through each day we are all different but our grief eats away at us the same.

Doodle you are so right only someone who has lost the other half of themselves understands how it feels . My best friend's husband died nearly 2 years ago even though we live miles apart I have been helping her . They where Christians so I asked if she had found any feathers in the house she said yes 3 so I said that P trying out his wings and she cried but said that had helped her . They had nothing in their home with feathers in . So every feather she finds inside she's put them in a jar. For the first year she went everyday to his grave as he was buried to talk to him. But it gave her comfort but I had said talk to him out loud at home which she does.

Life is never the same but given time and I mean years not months you come to cope with living one your own and I would hate to live with anyone ever again.

I helped my mom look after my dad until he died ,then had my mom and mother in law to look after. Even though I hated my mother in law for 40 years I could not look after her as without her I wouldn't have had my husband or our children.

My mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. But I couldn't put her into a home as I knew I could look after her better myself. Even though she lived with me I was still alone .

We all have a moral code we live with and I couldn't abandon people who needed me. But it cost me healthwise but didn't realise until after mom died . But I would do it all again .

I miss my parents but don't grieve over them haven't for years. My dad hated what he became ,hated the sight of his own body he heart was failing . He hated being weak and just wanted it to end . My mom had breast cancer and had her second mastectomy when she was 86 followed with radiotherapy . That's when mom's dementia started but she got to go to both the children's wedding ,saw my brother get married for the third time and said finally she said some who deserved him and that made her happy and got to hold her first great grandson . For all the last 4 months where hell on earth as she became violent but only to me. She thought I was her mom . She had lucid moments but I used to hope she died in her sleep as she would have hated what she became. I grieved for my mom while her body lived as my mom had died long before her body did.

Here you can all say what you want and know others understand how you are feeling. But I have said many times we are the lucky ones who found the other half of ourselves and became whole . To be loved and love in return is precious some people live their whole lives and never know that feeling . Love is the heavy price we pay for grief . But I am so glad to have had my husband even though he died long before time . Take comfort in that real love even though the grief can be bone crushing. And even after years can still be overwhelming. I still fine myself with tears rolling down my face and I hadn't been thinking of my husband it just happens out of the blue . But I never fight it and always feel better afterwards.

I know I ramble on but if only one thing I say helps just one person then it's worth my tears. 💖

Kalu I well remember that time where you cry so much your eyes are very sore and running out of tissues. You think you will never stop crying and your chest hurts from the crying . Because the children lived at home our daughter moved back after uni to help her brother get through A levels. I had to wait until I was alone or at bedtime. And the night is worse . I still hate the empty side of the bed. In the early years I knew if I had a really bad night as I woke up on my husband's side of the bed. Which hurt me more. Even to this day I wake myself some nights calling him or talking to him.

I know you are having to face a mountain of paperwork which I know I mentioned before and it's the last thing you want to deal with. But it has to be done . When my husband died it was all on paper and phone calls. And in 2004 the choices where married, divorced,single there was no widow so I wrote it in big letters.

The endless condolence cards and letters that kept coming for over 2 weeks . Whilst it was lovely people thought so highly of my husband it reinforced the fact he was die. Sounds mad I know as I had to tell him to stop struggling as he couldn't
breath on full oxygen and we would be ok he died a few minutes afterwards. For years I hated 1.27pm on Fridays as that was the time he died I looked at the clock .

51 years is a long time to a couple and in an instant you are alone . Even though we knew from his cancer diagnosis he wouldn't live 5 years he never wanted anyone but me and the children to know . So after the cancer was removed he didn't need chemo or radiotherapy as they removed all the cancer and follow up blood tests for months showed no precancerous cells. We lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over us. The reason my husband didn't want anyone to know was in his words he didn't want to be treated as a dead man walking.

Looking after the other half of yourself who has cancer you have to be on the alert 24/7 for the slightest thing if they had a higher temperature,feeling for any lumps , if they are breathing differently etc. It's not only exhausting for them but us . The constant worry eating away at you is this the day he becomes terminal .

When the sword dropped we knew it was on the way because summer 2003 he had a constant cough . He had hay fever and thought it was that, and tests didn't show anything .

When out children reached 16 we had said it was the last time they had to come on holiday with us then it was their choice to come or not. I am glad we didn't know that summer he was dieing because our son had his last holiday with us. Our daughter is 4 years older . It's bitter sweet looking back if we had known she would have come with us but he would have started his palliative chemo so we wouldn't have gone away so I am glad we didn't know.

Kalu you will be counting the hours ,days and weeks for months to come since your other half of yourself died . Until I moved from our old house I heard my husband at 6.30 every week day drop his 2 briefcases in the porch and shout out hello Whiff and I says hello Hubs. Then he would wrap his arms round me and kiss me . We where together 29 years married 22. For you and others who where a couple longer and married longer it's worse as the person you loved and he loved you in a flash they are gone . And you are set adrift even for me it was hard suddenly being alone but far worse for you . Your mind set was as a couple suddenly you are alone and nothing prepares you for being alone . And how do you suddenly live as one and not 2. The moment my husband took his last breath out home became a house . You may feel the same as my husband was home.

NannyG4 another tough day for you today. Never knew I could cry so much. The loneliness is unbearable. Thinking of you x

Oh dear Kalu - 🤗

Dear Kalu.. I really do know how you are feeling and what you are going through. Like you I miss my DH so much its painful, feel like I've been cut in half. I hope you have good support from your family and friends.. I'm finding their support priceless and couldn't manage without it. Have you had DH's farewell yet?
I really wish I could make you feel better but all I can offer is understanding, support and love.
Please be kind to yourself, one day at a time. Fondest love xx

Kalu I am so sorry for thé pain you are suffering now. There are many here who know how you feel and what you are going through.
It is 15 weeks since I lost the love of my life and it hurts like nothing I could ever imagine.
There is an empathy from those who are bereaved. I find now I am more comfortable with those who understand this loss.
Please try and be understanding of those who mean well but say the wrong thing. People will try their best but those who haven’t suffered this grief have no comprehension of what it’s like.
I’m not sure if I’m allowed to promote another website on here but Sue Ryder have an online website only for those who are bereaved. I have found it helpful to read others thoughts which made me realise I am not alone in how I act and feel at times. It can be a comfort to know you are not alone in this.
If you ever want to PM me you are welcome. No advice just a listening ear and a shoulder if you need it.
Take care sending you a hug 🫂

It’s just over a week now since my darling husband died, my second Sunday without him. We were old souls, meant to meet and he was my everything for 51 yrs as I was to him. 2.1/2yrs of a living hell watching and nursing him at home both of us knowing the brutality of cancer would wrench us apart.

I still feel his presence at home but all I desperately want is to be in his arms again.

On many occasions I have sent my heartfelt sympathy to others on here in this situation….today, sadly, I can empathise, numb with grief and a broken heart I know will never mend.

I have followed this thread since it started in the knowledge that one day soon I would joining you as a widow too.

twinnytwin never know when I write or my rambles as I call I never know if they help or hinder or if they make sense . But just write how I feel and try and help if I can. As I have had lots of help from others on various threads and try and give something back.😊

I'd just like to thank everyone who have posted on this thread. I have read every post and have been moved emotionally with each one - for the selflessness of many who continue to care for children and other relatives whilst themselves suffering from unending grief, and the strength they have to continue to live the best life they can under dreadful circumstances. Love to you all.

The thread below this one has parents who have had children die and earlier pages on this thread

MadeInYorkshire I am sorry this has happened to you but it's what happens . People expect you to get over your grief but there is never any getting over it. My home wasn't home when my husband died it was a house . And I longed to move but couldn't as I couldn't abandon my parents and mother in law who I hated for 40 years. We all have a moral code we live with and I couldn't leave and move to live closer to my children. My life was put on hold I existed and didn't live. It took me until I downsized and moved over 100 miles in 2019 to have a home again . I live in a lovely 2 bed bungalow I own and had it done exactly as I wanted it to make it safe for me as I was born disabled.

I found me again and love my life here . Plus having better healthcare. I am finally living the life my husband wanted for me he wanted me to live the best life I can and I do.

Could you downsize . My bills are cheaper and only heating one level makes a big difference to winter fuel bills .

I am so sorry your daughter died but I wouldn't insult you by saying I know how you feel because I don't. Only someone who has a child die can truly understand what you are going through. There on people on here who have a child die and I know on some other threads on this forum I will try and find the ones that do .

I tend to agree with you notoveryet about it not being over just different. Last year I was going through all the eight year anniversary things and midsummer to early autumn I experienced a fresh wave of grief I was not expecting. It quite knocked me for six.

Dogs do have the same emotions as humans. I don't own a dog or any animal but I know from friends their dogs know when they aren't feeling well as they stay close by them. I have heard anyone grieving their dogs are more protective. My sister in law has MS their dog knows before she does she is having an episode as she doesn't leave her side the day before it happens and doesn't want to play ball.

Young children grieve as well they pick up on everyone's emotions . It's not just they miss their dad ,mom or grandparents even from 18 months they notice things are different. They don't understand, but feel it as well. That's why it's so important to talk to children about your loved one has died.

People will disagree but this is my experience.

Su22

It is 18 months since my husband died, people tell me it gets easier, but it's no easier in fact it is getting harder and harder. Lots of people turned up to his funeral which was lovely to see but where are they now I can count on one hand the people that have kept in touch. It's four days since I have spoken to anyone I realise it is Easter and people have their own things to do but life is pretty lonely, just need someone to tell me it will get easier and life does go on.

Slightly different, but not for me it hasn't. When my daughter died, around 100 people came to her funeral, and despite it being what it was, it was lovely to see so many thought a lot of her,; although where they were when she really did need them is another matter.

I'm now living alone, nobody to split the bills with, in a house that's mine but on benefits can't afford to maintain it, and barely anyone comes to see me other than my carers - I have 45 minutes to get my words out for the day, and I hate it!

Thank you ladies for your words of wisdom, it is ? nice to connect with people who really understand. Counselling may help but the best support comes from people who are in a similar situation. I am afraid the pain is due to the fact that you loved someone so much. I still talk to him and ask his advice ( yes I am daft) Just got to get over this month first anniversary of our son’s death, thankyou ladies for reading, take care all of you

notoveryet- my dogs were grieving as well. My female spaniel had low mood, didn’t want to walk. The young male lab took to growling, snarling to warn any man approaching me to keep away. His sensitivities were heightened. I lost confidence, they picked up on that. Thankfully, we got through these behaviours but it was tough

Forgive all the typos and should have explained about the picture at the start. I forget it appears at the top🤦🤦🤦🤦

All the firsts are so hard but then again so are the seconds and every anniversary or birthday. For me it's Christmas which is hard as my husband was a big kid and loved Christmas. But I made a pact with myself the first Christmas 2004 without my other half that I could cry and be sad on Christmas eve but not Christmas day and have kept to that every year since .

When it would have been our 40th wedding anniversary I wanted to look at our photo album but couldn't it was just to hard but did few days later but I had to laugh about all the things that went wrong that day it's a wonder we got married this was May 1981. When my husband died we had been together 29 years married 22.

He was 47 when he died and for 14 years the 2 weeks run up to his anniversary was like watching an old black and white film I relived everything that happened it hurt so much . On the day of their dad's death both children text so they never knew what I went through but on the 14th year my daughter phoned and it all came out how I felt and she told me I should have told her. She told her brother and he phoned and said the same thing. So I decided I could allow myself to wallow in grief on the day but I had to let go of all the rest. And have stuck to it .

NannyG4, GrannySomerset and Iam64 here you can say anything you like and you will be heard. Only someone who has the other half of themselves dies can understand how it feels . And there is no time limit on grief or love . My grief for my husband gets worse as the years go by but my love for him has never lessoned . He is still my husband and I am still married and always will be . Still Mrs and hate being classed as single . But the rage and anger I feel over my fit healthy husband getting cancer and dieing gets me through everyday without him . Use whatever emotion you feel to get through another day then a week has gone by a month then a year. I am lonely but only for my husband.

Those newly widowed I know how hard that is the worse thing I found was all the paperwork that has to be sorted out within days of your loved ones death. When all you want to do is curl up on the bed and shut the world out but you can't. It's a frenzy of activity then the funeral and then you find people you thought of as friends and some relatives disappear as if your grief is catching .

I was 45 when widowed and suddenly wives hated if their husbands offered to do a job for me and they came to as if I was out to find a replacement for my husband. I never understood that attitude .

Also when out shopping you people may avoid you if they see you. This happened to me few months after my husband died by then I was 46. I woman I knew very well saw me stopped dead in her tracks and darted into a shop. The now me would have go in after her and asked what was her problem. But at 46 I just felt hurt and continued on with my shopping.

I have written a lot on this thread perhaps some of my old posts will help you all even in a small way. But I would encourage you to talk out loud everyday to your loved one . I have blamed my husband for dieing ,swore at him etc but I always feel better . In the early days of widowhood I didn't go out everyday and I was worried if I didn't talk out loud I would lose the ability to speak nuts I know but it's how I felt..

You all need some me time where you shut out the world and have a good cry or shout out loud like I have done this shouldn't be my life. When the other half of you dies your present and future die to. And making a new present and future is hard and takes years to get used to. Making decisions as a couple was easy even if you disagreed until you reach the same decision. Making decisions on your own is hard as you second and third guess yourself.

But as I often say we are the lucky ones to be so loved and love in return and found the person that completed us and together you make a whole. The moment my husband took his last breath half of me died and haven't been whole since. But you learn to cope . I still sleep on my side of the bed and put my hand out and the bed is empty.

On special dates do what feels right for you ignore everyone else just do what you want. I am an atheist but my husband lives on in my children and 5 grandson's DNA and that gives me comfort. If you have a faith and that comforts you then embrace it. My parents where Christians but they didn't believe you had to go too church to worship and my mom always said the worse people she knew growing up went to church twice on Sundays but would give you the dripping off their noses. Weird turn of phrase but that was my mom . My dad was more earthy and said they wouldn't piss on you if you where on fire. They both said they did more good than any church goer they knew.

People may suggest counselling but in my experience it doesn't help. My children wanted me to go to a bereavement group which I did to please them but it was useless the woman had done a 12 week course and was married. The nearest person to my age was a 68 year old man and the woman where in their 70-80's. When the children left home 2 years after their dad died son to uni and my daughter back to the city she got her degree and had meet her future husband. I wanted them to go as I told them they had to live their own lives. I could finally stop going to the group. The children never asked me if it helped only was it ok. I don't tell lies as I can't do it. So said yes. They were nice people but no help my children never knew and still don't.

I did this cross stitch as it's how I think of my mom and dad and how me and my husband would be except he would have to hold me closer as I have walked with a stick since I was 29 .

It doesn't get easier, it just gets different. I'm coming up to 7 years, because it upset my dog ( who mourned in the most heartbreaking way) I bottled up my grief to the point that even now I can't cry. I send my thoughts to all who are grieving and I would say its your grief express it in the way that is right for you

NannyG and Granny Somerset, sending virtual hugs. I cannot imagine what is must be like for you. My husband is a bit older than me and recently I have been thinking a lot about him dying before me.

I'm also thinking of Doodle and Kalu, who have lost the partners recently.💐

It’s so sad that you feel no one wants to know about your grief GrannySomerset. Maybe risk talking to a close friend or loved one about how grief doesn’t simply go away because time is passing.

NannyG4, your in the immediate aftermath of losing your husband so feeling raw and vulnerable is exactly where you’re most likely to be. I’m 20 months from my husband’s death. I feel less raw and most days less vulnerable than in those early days. I’m bereft, I miss him so much, I miss our interesting, happy, ordinary lives together. I’m doing the best I can to live this new life well but of course, I preferred my old life.