Disrespectful son in law

My mother gets the same from some of my sisters , she's 82 but completely independent, still drives , does her own shopping , cooking etc and has a better social life than me . She often experiences people talking down to her and treating her like she's elderly and frail. It makes her really cross, i think she makes a joke of if

I would ask him directly if it makes him feel good by ridiculing me, I have zero tolerance with this disrespect

….p.s. I also find this disparagement if the deaf very strange ! Would they deride a blind person !!!?

How strange …their behaviour.
My husband has had to go into a care home after stroke/dementia/ Alzheimer’s stretching my care for him over 27 years….my third stroke last year made my mind up for me!
My two kids and my ex son in law could not have treated me better. They are there to help if it’s needed …so far it’s not ( except certain ways of doing the things via online) but even then they show me how …then expect me to get on with it which Suits me.
My son ( unmarried) pops in about 2/3 week intervals …we have a Sunday lunch together and a chat…he asks if there’s anything I need doing …then off he goes.
My daughter is always there if needed , but has her own life ( single parent now) and is self employed…but always helps if needed, mostly advice , as she knows her way around forms and officialdom!
Never… would they ridicule me or laugh at me or put me down in any way . They know about my withering look from childhood …. but never had to use it since they’ve been out of their teens! If all else fails mention you need to update your will!! That might concentrate their minds with a little respect!
I do find your children’s behaviour odd.
Speak openly to them.

I am only in my (late) 50’s but I find one of my daughters is just the same. I still work in a responsible profession, have shed loads of experience and Qualifications; own and run a home, take day to day care of her small children, and yet she patronises me and refers to me as “older” or “elderly” she appears to think I am an idiot and incapable of making any sensible decision. I get so cross as I am just as capable as anyone else!

I have two hearing aids but still get called "Cloth ears" and that's by my DH. I've told him I wish he would get deaf then he would appreciate how I feel, but he thinks he's being funny!

Seems SiL and others are mocking you for perhaps missing something said. Check your hearing aid isn't needing adjusted or perhaps one in other ear. Despicable family is treating you this way. If all is well with the aids the next time SIL is rude just comment you don't know why he visits such a stupid and useless being he being so clever and important. You lost yoyr DH not ling ago, you don't need the aggravation from any family member. My DH was very deaf eventually had a cochlear implant. Our famiky bent over backwards to try to make sure there Dad was included in conversations no matter where we were. Respect, that's what you call it.

M0nica

Fran3325 is there any reason why you caanot remedy your deafness with a hearing aid.

I m shocked that your own family should make fun of you because of this, but deaf people do have a mountain to climb, so that if you can get hearing aids it is so much better.

One of my friends has had hearing aids in both ears for decades and for years I didn't realise. Her hair covered them and she got them so quickly when she began to develop hearing problems that I never really noticed the change.

I'd get them, not tell the family, and then tell them "I can hear you perfectly fine" when they mutter at/towards me!
But I'm a little devious like that! 🤣
I'd start answering back that those who think me uncapable should be left out of my will, and I should leave my money & property to a charity for kind people!
Maybe they'd take the hint then.
Or say you can't understand why your DD would choose such a horrid little man for a husband, as he can't possibly think she's capable of doing anything on her own - play them at their own game!

Say to them in conversation “You will be old one day,if your lucky”———- how people treat their elders is how their children will treat them,I’ve seen it many times.Please get your ears tested if you don’t already have hearing aids.Then just ignore the barbs,possibly go out get a modern hairdo,buy some new clothes & try to have fun,ignore the family being mean you are way above that,very best of luck.

That is neat, HousePlantQueen!

And could be varied with "If you weren't family I'd suspect you of patronising me. Isn't it good we're related?"

I will file it away for future reference.

aggie

Get a hearing aid ,

Why would you assume she hasn’t already ?

Always remember - Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth. Unfortunately often younger people don't realise how much they can learn from a person with so much experience such as yourself. Personally I would totally ignore it and they will start to think, but yes - also get a good hearing aid. As I usually say "you must remember I might be deaf, but I am certainly not daft"

I agree with the "stare" and if they really annoy me I say just remember I taught you how to use a spoon

crazyH

One of my ds.I.l. has always been very disrespectful to me. I used to get quite upset, but recently, I just couldn’t be bothered. She is an only child and very spoiled. But regardless, I am very fair to both of them

This has been my misfortune too. I gave up a lucrative job in London when my son's partner was expecting baby. I happily moved away from London because I was so looking forward to being baby's main carer apart from her parents. After having done little but do a part-time job then literally every other hour I had, I was looking after baby until just before she went into her teens. This involved being a support in very many ways. I had no social life as all I did was childcare and work. I love my grand-daughter dearly and have cherished every moment I had with her. So imagine when I voiced dissatisfaction/concern over my DIL's attitude about a couple of issues, I was told angrily "you've got more to lose than me". My friends are horrified when I told them this because they know all too well the level of support I've given my ungrateful DIL over the years. Don't see her any more. Very unhappy situation but I understand only too well about people who should be kind towards you, behaving in a disrespectful way at best, toxic at worst. Life, eh? Again, only child and spoiled beyond imagination.

Dickens

Fix them with a stare and remind them...

As you are now, so once was I
^As I am now, so you will be^

Dickens, I was scrolling down to put that saying on. Thought provoking for the younger person. I hope! Especially said slowly with a direct look.

Cut them all out of your will!

Ha, ha!! Deafness not Deadness. That also presents a problem with hearing!

In a post office, some time ago I was unable to hear the counter clerk because of the perspex screen. I politely asked her if she would speak up, because I have hearing aids. Her retort was, 'It's not my fault that you have hearing aids!' Deadness is one of the Cinderella disabilities.

Sometimes I say a simple calm “ouch”

I have worn hearing aids since my mid 30's, they are very good, but have their limitations. I get so upset/angry when people "joke" when I have mis heard something, or they think its funny to say "pardon" when you have just explained that I am hard of hearing. You don't see people mocking those who struggle to see due to eyesight defects do you? so why is losing your hearing considered to be amusing? I just dont understand it.

I echo "the look". Us mums have become masters at that over the years... 😆

Fran -the next time you get them all together, hand out some soft ear plugs and ask them to wear them for an hour whilst you and they try to communicate or watch the TV at its usual volume. Couch that in a discussion of deafness and its impact on the person who is either completely deaf or losing hearing. Let them know that for you it's a serious matter and that it's bad enough having to wear a hearing aid without being ridiculed because this is a double blow to your self-esteem. Of course, as we get older we have to accept our bodies and capabilities will change, but that shouldn't make us the object of poor jokes. I wonder if your sil and adult children would ridicule a work colleague who was deaf - ask the question. They need to understand that having a disability at any age isn't a subject for poking fun at. What you're describing is the all-too-frequent belief from younger generations that with age comes stupidity. It's an ageist issue.

I would certainly mention that these remarks are upsetting, but I would start by saying that I realise two things.

One that they are probably trying to cheer you up by making jokes, but that these remarks actually make you unhappy.

Two that it might well be that I am being over-sensitive right now, but that is part of grieving for many people.

Try not to make too much of an issue of it and see what they say.

I too, am becoming a little deaf, but don't feel deaf enough to want a hearing aid right now - silly, but that is how I feel about it. I do realise that it can be annoying for others if I do not hear what they say, so I shall soon have to reconsider that hearing aid!

If your son-in-law and your daughter and son continue to make these hurtful remarks, tell them frankly that you are old, yes, recently widowed, yes, struggling to some extent with coping alone, but that they are not exactly helping by this attitude, but again try to say this as nicely as possible.

Respect is a two-way street, so if they feel you are not respecting them, their attitude to you will not change for the better.

However, I suspect these remarks are in some way due to their ways of dealing with bereavement, after all your children have lost their father, and your SIL a father-in-law whom I presume he liked.

Try to sort this out now, otherwise it will be bugging you quite literally for the rest of your life.

And, I should have started by saying that I am sincerely sorry for your loss.

Always remember - Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth. Unfortunately often younger people don't realise how much they can learn from a person with so much experience such as yourself. Personally I would totally ignore it and they will start to think, but yes - also get a good hearing aid. As I usually say "you must remember I might be deaf, but I am certainly not daft"

I’m also a target of this, even though I’m 66 able bodied and still work, go to the gym etc. The family call it banter but I find it hurtful and tbh I’ve now started firing the banter back. No need for it in opinion.