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Bereavement

Disrespectful son in law

(95 Posts)
Fran3325 Sun 30-Apr-23 19:34:36

Since my husband died 17 months ago I’ve found that my son in law (and my son and daughter to a lesser extent) treats me like a useless and thick elderly person. e.g making fun of me being a little deaf (though I’ve had a responsible and demanding job on the past). I’m 74. Am I being too sensitive or should I say something to him?

harrigran Fri 05-May-23 08:55:15

Two weeks ago DS was calling be a 'boomer' and laughing because I did not find his memes funny. I told him I am a baby boomer but he added that it is a derogatory term.
My reply to DS was " that was a careless remark to make on the eve of me redrafting my will " 🤨
My SIL is one of the most respectful people I know, sadly he lost both his parents when he was a teenager so I am the only old relative he has.

Serendipity22 Fri 05-May-23 09:00:56

Sorry you feeling this way. 💐
I would most certainly say something, not in a harsh manner but just lay down your feelings. They may think they are doing nothing wrong in their 'jokey' comments, maybe you come across as it not affecting your feelings, thus leading to it being said time and time again.

Sometimes we appear to be 'sponges' and soak everything up, but in reality we are anything but .....

Have a word in your own way.... 💐

pascal30 Fri 05-May-23 11:32:29

harrigran

Two weeks ago DS was calling be a 'boomer' and laughing because I did not find his memes funny. I told him I am a baby boomer but he added that it is a derogatory term.
My reply to DS was " that was a careless remark to make on the eve of me redrafting my will " 🤨
My SIL is one of the most respectful people I know, sadly he lost both his parents when he was a teenager so I am the only old relative he has.

I think making threatening noises about wills is a bad idea and quite manipulative. We leave legacies to our chilren because we love them regardless of behaviour IMO

ElaineRI55 Fri 05-May-23 11:37:29

I imagine this is not unusual and possibly not intended to be serious or hurtful. However, I think I would find it hurtful too. Would one option be to make a joke along the lines of "I never realised a little deafness would mean that I can't do all these things I thought I could manage - oh dear, you'll have to start cooking my meals, doing my shopping, doing my washing.. if you think I can't manage them any more. I wonder how Halle Berry ( or some other famous hearing impaired person) manages?"
If that doesn't seem appropriate for your family, could you speak calmly to whichever of them tends to be the most sensible/empathetic and explain that although you think they are maybe just teasing or trying to be humorous, it does hurt and undermine you and could they explain that to the others. You could possibly at the same time, thank her/him for things they've done to support you so it's not just a negative discussion?
Hope they get the point whatever way you tackle it.

Livey Fri 05-May-23 15:20:01

Perhaps I am fortunate in my family totally ignoring me since my DH died 2 years ago.
I have left to get on with my life and they with theirs.
Maybe something to do with not wanting them to take the ashes, but wanting them with me. So that we can be together when I die.

rosemarigold Sat 06-May-23 02:24:24

Good suggestion VioletSky

rosemarigold Sat 06-May-23 02:35:15

HousePlantQueen

I have been known to ask, in a semi-joking manner 'Now, you wouldn't be patronising me, would you?' This usually works.

...good idea!

dragonfly46 Sat 06-May-23 03:22:55

pascal30

harrigran

Two weeks ago DS was calling be a 'boomer' and laughing because I did not find his memes funny. I told him I am a baby boomer but he added that it is a derogatory term.
My reply to DS was " that was a careless remark to make on the eve of me redrafting my will " 🤨
My SIL is one of the most respectful people I know, sadly he lost both his parents when he was a teenager so I am the only old relative he has.

I think making threatening noises about wills is a bad idea and quite manipulative. We leave legacies to our chilren because we love them regardless of behaviour IMO

I think it was a joke!

pascal30 Sat 06-May-23 09:55:11

dragonfly46

pascal30

harrigran

Two weeks ago DS was calling be a 'boomer' and laughing because I did not find his memes funny. I told him I am a baby boomer but he added that it is a derogatory term.
My reply to DS was " that was a careless remark to make on the eve of me redrafting my will " 🤨
My SIL is one of the most respectful people I know, sadly he lost both his parents when he was a teenager so I am the only old relative he has.

I think making threatening noises about wills is a bad idea and quite manipulative. We leave legacies to our chilren because we love them regardless of behaviour IMO

I think it was a joke!

In that case it is no different to teasing or joshing.. not respectful or necessary

FarNorth Sat 06-May-23 10:31:47

Fran3325

I think HousePlantQueen’s half joking reply might be the best way of keeping the peace while (in a rather passive aggressive way) putting my viewpoint over. I don’t think I want to “put them in their place” as my D has been my biggest help and support through loss of my husband.

That's worth a try, I'd say, Fran.
Maybe your SiL doesn't realise how often he says this type of thing and just needs a little hint.
If he doesn't stop, tho, maybe progress to something like "I can actually do this, you know".
Or even "You can just knock that off."

Might you need your hearing aid checked to see if you need a better one, tho?

hebburnsent Sat 06-May-23 12:45:07

Does anyone have marks and slight bruising on their lower legs. I am 77 and hoping it is just old age. However I have booked a gp appointment

FarNorth Sat 06-May-23 17:17:02

hebburnsent you'd be best to start your own thread about this.
Good idea to go to the doctor, though.

Newatthis Mon 08-May-23 19:12:55

Having a joke with somebody is good, if everyone is laughing. If the joke is on the person that is no not laughing and it’s not good. People will treat you how you will allow them to. Call them out on this - it’s abusive.

LRavenscroft Mon 08-May-23 21:51:01

Fran3325

Since my husband died 17 months ago I’ve found that my son in law (and my son and daughter to a lesser extent) treats me like a useless and thick elderly person. e.g making fun of me being a little deaf (though I’ve had a responsible and demanding job on the past). I’m 74. Am I being too sensitive or should I say something to him?

I know someone from a group I belong to who can be quite disrespectful if we go out for a coffee by just being domineering and squashing what one says. I thought I could hack it but to be honest after a few coffees with this person, I am now finding excuses not to meet up as they make me feel like a squeezed lemon after I have been with them. If this person were family and I had to have them in my life, I would probably call them out quite firmly on what they said. As they are merely and acquaintance I side step and avoid them. No one needs to feel disrespected.

harrigran Tue 09-May-23 09:02:41

Yes dragonfly I was joking, I didn't expect to get berated for a light hearted comment.
Clearly pascal has not been on here as long as us or she would recognise me and my way of posting 🙄

Curlygrey Tue 09-May-23 09:26:29

‘ hang on a minute, you might think I’m a bit deaf, but so might you be when you get to my age! ‘ Or ‘ hey, I’m finding your comments about me being a bit deaf to be quite hurtful and not very nice’. Or tell this to your daughter.
Speak up for yourself but try to do it in a kind of short direct way. Really it makes me furious but as so often, we older generation have to try and rise above it sometimes.
On a serious note, for your own benefit please do get your hearing checked and investigate hearing aids etc if needed as these things can enhance your quality of life going forward. Many people who are losing their hearing are very stubborn about it !!

Tinlizzy67 Fri 12-May-23 19:27:48

Fran3232. I have the same treatment from my family! I've been on my own for many years and have found my opinion or advice counts for nothing. I feel it is unfair of them if something I say is frowned upon or belittled. Having a partner with you would be supportive of your opinion and not disregarded because of being older. I haven't said anything to my family in case of being scolded verbally, their time will come!

Esmay Fri 12-May-23 20:27:23

Hi Fran ,

Making fun of your deafness is a type of bullying and it's disrespectful and totally unacceptable .

Take a deep breath and stand up for yourself .

Concentrate on making your own friends and life .

Mamasperspective Tue 04-Jul-23 22:09:58

Ask him if it makes him feel good to genuinely hurt your feelings. Tell him his words are cruel and uncalled for. If you need to, remind him that he wouldn’t be so awful to you if his dad was still around. You don’t need to deal with that.