Getting rid of the anger

The last 2 days been watching Shetland from the first series.

It made me remember asking my son years ago when does grief end he said properly 20 years.

In February it will be 20 years since my husband died. But I don't want the grief to end . Without the grief I wouldn't be me. It's shaped who I am as being so loved and loved in return has made me stronger I have done things I never thought I could. But it's my husbands love for me and me for him that gets in through everyday. Still the rage and anger is there with the grief. If I lose those I lose him all over again . And I never want to lose him he is still the love of my life and still the half of me that's missing.

Like I have said on many of the threads on this forum grief can still overwhelm me and it has today . So having a good cry and I know I will feel better.

Also writing here is making me feel better as well. Thank you if anyone reads this.

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You know, all these reponses are so comforting. So it isn't just me after all. I still suffer from tears in the eyes syndrome, but I feel less lonely. Thank you.

Woodle your post made me cry. Losing someone you love is the pits isn’t it?
Sending you warm thoughts. I don’t know who Carole was despite seeing you post often, but you loved her and you miss her.
I lost my mother twelve months ago this month. I think of her and miss her every day. We didn’t have an easy relationship but I loved her. I feel guilty because others on here have had much worse losses. They lost their life partners or their children. I live in fear of that happening.
I’m so sorry Woodle for your loss

I know anger I felt it when my dad died very suddenly aged 66 he was my hero I adored him. I still miss him and feel some anger but it fades with the passage of time. I look at my DS he is so like my dad in a lot of ways and I get comfort in that.

Woodle you are feeling anger for your loss it’s your defence mechanism you are bruised and hurt. Take comfort that your loved one is at peace now she had you in her life. You have your memories and they will live with you forever.

Woodle before my husband died and after the children left I never had the radio on. After a few months couldn't stand the silence so brought myself a radio.and listen to Classic FM from when I wake at 5 until I have my lunch then put TV on and do my cross stitching. If I am in. My daughter put Spotify on my phone so sometimes I listen to that instead.

I always thought it was the children who where untidy until my husband died and realised it was him. Even though he had a study. He used to sit in the arm chair while I watched TV .
With his laptop on and files all round his feet and a pile by the side of the chair.

I used to hate ironing as my husband had clean shirt 7 days a week plus all the children's shirts etc. And when he died I really missed ironing his shirts every week.

It's still very early days for you Woodle It's hard learning to life on your own . I hate being classed as single as far as I am concerned I am still married and hate if someone puts Ms instead of Mrs. When talking about my husband I don't always use the word late but at times have to. But late was one thing my husband never was like me he was always early for everything.

It's still early days for you. Time doesn't heal but it does help you learn to cope. 🌹

I'm still here and still alternating between grief attacks and staring into space. At least I'm more used to the quiet house now. Once again, thank you for all the messages - they really do make the world seem friendly again.

Woodle the anger I still feel over my husband dieing keeps me going every day along with the love we shared. I think I need the anger and to be honest I would be lost without it. It makes me fight to do what I want everyday. The raw grief does fade over time as you find ways to cope. But it's hard . But because of our loved ones we have to live the best life we can for them. We owe them that . We are lucky to have been loved and love in return. Some people live their whole lives and never have that.

But even after 19.5 years grief can suddenly over whelm me and find tears running down my face but I don't fight it and let it run its course.

I still shout at my husband especially if I can't do something as simple as open a carton or bottle. I shout where are you when I need you. Then I see him with that stupid grin on his face and use the anger to find a way to open whatever it is I want . Using whatever method I can. One day it was my postman as I couldn't open a bottle of bleach. 😄.

Grief is as individual as love . There are no rules for either. Whatever gets through each day is right for you.

But remember to look after yourself and put yourself first . And only do what you want . Keep popping in so I know how you are .

Once again, thanks for all your messages, which make me feel better as I discover that I'm not the only angry bereaved person around.
It's later now, but the anger hasn't gone away. The raw grief seems to have dissipated but no - not the anger. Nor the gratitude for having known her in the first place, and that's the feeling which seems to be winning, slowly and surely. I feel that's what I'm going to end up with. I'll be happy with that.

Summerfly glad you have 2 wonderful children. But you still remember your first and that's precious memories you will always have.

Chameleon grief is a personal thing and you where celebrating your husband's life on his special birthday. And the cards reflexed that celebration.

I kept all the cards and letters people sent when my husband died. But when I was decluttering my house ready to move I let them go. I hadn't read them since my husband's funeral and it was time to let them go. But my husband's ashes are in my wardrobe and will be sprinkled in a pretty place with mine by our daughter. I kept my dad's for 10 years and my brother and me sprinkled them on the side of the river Severn by the hut they used to picnic in. We did it at dusk one summers night.

My friend visits her husbands grave everyday to talk to him and that helps her.

No way to grieve is strange it's what feels right to you and makes you feel happy about the life you shared.

Luckygirl3

inishowen - there is a group for widows and widowers - it is called Way Up: way-up.co.uk/

Just giving this a push up front.

Whiff your post is so understanding. I don't feel anger that my husband has passed but feel so sorry for him because he was 6 months short of a big birthday which he so wanted to celebrate. A few of us went for a meal on what would have been his big birthday and called it his day. Appropriate cards were bought but we wrote our thoughts and memories in the cards. The cards are in a box with husbands ashes. May sound strange to some but we all grieve for loved ones in our own way. I think it helps to cope with the loss.

We all have suffered loss Whiff and yes, I have had two more wonderful children. Thank you for your kind words 💐

Summerfly I can not imagine the pain you feel. But glad talking to your daughter helps you. I hope you had other children. But they can never replace the daughter you lost. At the time of her death I imagine people said to you ,you can always have another child as if that would replace the child you loved and lost. Hopefully attitudes when it comes to the death of a child have moved on from 50+ years ago.

Unfortunately attitudes to the death of a husband or partner have not. My best friend became a widow in November and as many of us know so called friends and family disappeared and some unthinking ones think she can replace her husband. One of my daughter's friends said after my husband died your mom can get a cat. My daughter soon told her a cat cannot replace her dad.

Chameleon 50 years ago there was nothing they could have done to save your son . But he must have been a fighter to live for as long as he did. A very strong little boy. I hope it gives you some comfort how far paediatric medicine has come on since then.

The death of your husband and dad so close today is heartbreaking. And can well understand your feeling of not wanting to be in your home. After my husband died even though I still had my son living at home he was 16 and our daughter 20 was in her final year at uni and came home to help her brother through A levels. But it never felt like home . My husband was my home ,my life ,my rock. Both left for good 2 years later son to uni and my daughter back to where she went to uni. They both went to the same uni. But I wanted them to go. I told them both me and their dad had our life it was time to live theirs.

My dad died in 2007 3 years after my husband aged 80 . But my dad hated what his body had become and broke my heart when he used to point to his body and said this isn't me. He died in his sleep after a massive heart attack. My mom never realised he had died. When she woke just thought he was asleep and only realised he was cold after she touched him when she was dressed even then it didn't sink in. I never lie but had to lie to my mom that day when she asked if dead bodies had the same look on their face . My dad's face was frozen in massive pain plus his bladder had released. Mom never knew .

Like you I could talk to my dad about anything think . He told me about periods and facts of life not my mom. Dad had been in the St John's ambulance for 30 years. We never told anyone after my husband's cancer was removed he was given 5 years to live. As he never wanted and one to treat him differently . As he said dead man walking. Only me and our children knew but I am sure my dad did but he kept our secret . My parents gave my husband the love and attention his own had denied him.

I went to a bereavement group only because my children wanted me to thinking it would help me. I was 45 nearest to my age was a man 68 all the women where in their 70-80's. And the woman who ran it was married and done a 12 week course. Just glad my children never asked it helped they just asked was it ok. I don't lie so truthfully said it was fine. They where nice people but didn't help me one bit. This was 2004. I would never advise anyone to go too counseling as only a person going through the same thing can understand how you feel.

I only talk about things I have experienced myself. I do not know the pain of losing a child through death but I do know the pain of losing a child through estrangement. My son's choice not mine I never saw it coming he choose to give me the boot as his mom via email. It's a living grief which I have been living for 3 years.

But the grief for my husband far outways what my son has done.

We all have to find a way to dealt with our grief but in our own way. Time does not heal as some people think . For me it makes my grief worse my husband has missed so much . He always wanted to be a granddad we have 5 grandson's but only see 2 of them my daughter's boys.

Nothing can prepare you for the bone crushing grief of losing half of yourself,it's a grief that only gets worse over time and for me I have never been whole since my husband's last breath. I call the first 10 years of widow or widowerhood early grief as I found it took me that long to come to terms with it . But this is my own experience. To be honest I didn't have time to morn my husband properly. I was 45 and thought I had to be brave what a fool I was . Then my dad's health was failing and helped mom nurse him . While looking after her and my mother in law. Mom was depandant on me for 10 after my dad died. Plus my mother in law out lived her son by 11 years. She denied she had a son or grandchildren children. She didn't have any form of dementia she was just an evil woman as was her husband. He died in 1988 aged 70. But went my husband lived he never gave up on them and because of him I didn't give up on his mom . She died in 2015 aged 91 . My mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. Mom died long before her body did . She died in 2017 aged 90.

We all have to do what we can for those we have lost . But it's only after they die do we realise how much it has cost us healthwise. But we all have to do what our consciousnesses will allow as we have to live with ourselves.

I existed after my husband died and didn't have my own life until after my mom died and moved 100+ miles to live closer to my children . And found me again. Because of the love of my husband and my love for him I am living my life to the full. Only took me from 2004 until 2019 to achieve that.

As hard as it is we owe it to our loved ones to live the best life we can. But grief can be overwhelming and hit you at the strangest times. My grief for my husband and the rage and anger are my constant companions but it's what gets me through everyday and living the life I long denied myself.

Grief is a pain which all here live with but whether you realise it or not it makes you stronger and makes you fight to live everyday. As I have said we are the lucky ones to have been loved and love in return. Some people never know that joy . I have a friend who has never had that.

Never think you have to be brave you don't have to be. Just get through each day the best way you can. Scream, shout,swear or hit a pillow do want ever feels right to you . I shout at my husband for leaving me but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face and it makes me smile.

Take care of yourselves as grief can make you forget that. You will learn to cope but it takes time. 🌹

I'm in tears reading all your posts but at the same time feel comfort. 50 years ago we lost our son at 9 months old. His heart wasn't correctly formed and he had a broken oesophagus. But now it's 7months since I lost my husband, of over 52 years, who had a heart problem. I found him laid on the floor so didn't get to hold his hand or say goodbye, as he passed. 10 weeks later my father passed in hospital at a great age of 102 years. I did hold his hand as he passed but he was still trying to cling to life. My two rocks gone in just over two months. The house means nothing too me so with my husbands ashes I've moved into the caravan in the garden with my cat. I feel so lost as no one to have deep conversations with as I did my Father. No one to hold me or my hand and have a silly laugh with as with my husband. In short it is so hard taking each step day by day. I've had counselling but I feel they don't understand me. After caring for my two rocks I've gone back to church where I feel the vicar and church friends understand my grief.

I talk to my baby girl every day. Just 4months old when she died. We woke up one morning to find she had gone in her sleep. That was 54yrs ago. Far too precious to ever forget. It doesn’t matter how old they are. 💔

My heart goes out to all who are grieving. Every loss is tough, but losing a child must be unbearable. 💔

Lindaa4 I don't know your pain. But losing a child is the worst kind of grief. You and your partner made your child and you carried him and if like many of us you loved that child growing inside from the moment you knew you where pregnant. But also the worry starts. Once safely delivered you give unconditional love and support to your baby and watch him grow. Protecting the best way you can. Unconditional love can never be switched off and no parent should outlive their child . But unfortunately it happens all the time. You don't realise but the anger you feel gives you the strength to keep going everyday. You may think you enthusiasm for life has gone but it hasn't. You live everyday the best way you can because your son isn't here anymore. You live for the life he should have had. And he you want you to carry on living your life to the full. I don't know you or how old your son was but you have children and grandchildren who need you just as much as he did. Live the life he should have for his siblings and nieces and nephews.

The pain and anger will never go and if it's how I feel about my husband it gets worst as the years go by. So use it to live the best life you can. I talk out loud everyday to my husband as it's given my comfort since he took his last breath. Talk to your son it may not give you comfort but try and see if it does . 🌹

11 years since I lost my son, I am so angry all the time, If I catch him in a photo it sets me off crying so much. I don’t really like anything in this world anymore. I have to try for my other children and grandchildren. The enthusiasm for life has gone, I force myself to do stuff I don’t want to, but others want to. I don’t want to spoil it for them. I know I am sort of detatached but inside I am seething at the unfairness. I don’t really know how to behave

Woodle and thank you for speaking of anger which is so understandable and natural yet often not "socially acceptable". (or one fears it is not)

Whiff thank you! I feel like you! Melanoma is so cruel!

Woodle, I’m so sorry for your loss and I feel so sad for you. I hope you’re finding some comfort from all the positive messages on here. Sending hugs. 💐

So, so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 6 years ago tomorrow to complications of MS. I must say, I didn't feel anger as such, more a great sense of unfairness for the life she didn't get to live. It took a long time for it to sink in that this was forever, she was never coming back. If I had any kind of religious faith, it might have helped, thinking we might meet again. But I don't. I think of her every day and take comfort in all the happy memories I have of her. My heart goes out to you. ❤️x

Anniel my husband had a malignant melanoma grade 4 diagnosed in January 2001 and given 5 years to live . Bet you felt like we did it was like living with the sword of Damocles hanging over us. He died in 2004 4 days after his 47th birthday he had 6 tumours. 3 in his right lung , 1 in his chest and 2 by the optical nerve. In the end even on full oxygen he couldn't breath and was going blind. His last day he was home with me and our children . I told him to stop we would be ok but there is never being ok he died a few minutes later. Grief is my constant companion. I am lonely but not because I live alone but because I am lonely for him.

Grief can overwhelm you when you least expect it. But never fight the tears as it hurts to fight them better to let them flow.

geeljay people expect men to be brave and don't realise just how hard it is for you losing half of yourself. But you are like everyone else grief hits men just like women . But like everyone else we lucky to have been so loved and to love in return. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves. We are the lucky ones we did and that is something to cherish.