Getting rid of the anger

Anger along with sorrow, loss, disbelief, regret, and just about every emotion you could name - all of these are perfectly normal when someone we love dies.
I found this poem which I first heard spoken so movingly by John Hannah in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” said so much to me

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W H Auden

Sincere sympathy

Could you start journaling? I know it sounds a bit trite, but it helped me no end when I went through a summer of family deaths. Just jotting down my thoughts from day to day helped me through some very difficult times when six members of our family passed away in as many months. Also, walking, just planning different walks around your favourite places where you and your loved one walked together or visited. Sending many heartfelt wishes.

Anger is part of grief, raging against the night, howling as we try to expel the fury at our loss.
This too will pass. Grief has many stages, they don’t run smoothly but catch you out unexpectedly. Feel your feelings. Anger often covers fear, anxiety, loss and more.
I’m 8 months on and grief is ever present but doesn’t knock me over like a tsunami as it did in those dark early weeks.
Take care of yourself, try to eat, sleep, walk and rest.

Woodle, your post has brought tears to my eyes this morning. You are in my thoughts and know I am thinking of you. Sending your strength and wishing you well. 💐💐

As LRavenscroft says, write it all down, vent your anger onto the page, later you can either keep it or burn it.
They all say that grief is a process and sadly it has to be gone through and there are no short cuts.
Do what you have to do and take care of yourself 💐

I know exactly how you feel; I am still bereft rather than angry but struggle to find much good in life. I know this will pass, and writing it down helps, but in the end we have to grieve alone, and that is the hardest part.

Woodle despite being a regular on gransnet , I don’t know your story or Carol. But I am thinking of you

Sending hugs.

Most of us have known a deep and painful grief.
I think the more you loved the more you have lost. Try to remember that love. It will help sustain you however angry you feel.
Thinking of you.

This is a lovely poem.

I found The Four Phases of Grief by Colin Murray Parkes very helpful.

Shock and Numbness
Yearning and Searching
Disorganisation and Despair
Reorganisation and Recovery

Yearning and Searching: Also referred to as pining, this stage is characterized by the grieving person longing or yearning for the deceased to return to fill the void created by his or her death. Many emotions are experienced and expressed during this time, such as weeping, anger, anxiety, preoccupation, and confusion.

Of course, he expands on each section. It reassures you that what you’re feeling is normal and, of course, not everyone feels the same. 💐

I’ve been angry for 5 years since losing my son. People have fallen away, a few have remained silent and the best people have been who just listen and not given up. Anger is very understandable in grief, I lost my son to cancer, I didn’t really have anyone who truly understood my grief, it’s taken me 5 years to get some kind of peace with it, doesn’t stop me missing him every minute of every day. Be kind to yourself as much as you can, it gets a little more manageable but it will not change what’s happened or make your grief go away. Sending love, ❤️

Woodle , Marketkat , I'm still angry too. I lost my daughter to cancer 14 months ago. The world carries on as normal but mine has changed completely.

This is the worst stage of grief , the only way is through it . Reading this always brings me comfort and calms me when the anger and injustice of loss rears its ugly head . I'm so sorry and I hope you have better days soon . Lots of love

14 months is no time at all Gymstagran, the world doesn’t return as before, time doesn’t heal our loss, we manage it better is all. So sorry for the loss of your daughter. X

Marketcat thank you for your kind words. So sorry for the loss of your son

Woodle anger and rage are part of grieving. I still feel it after 19.5 years as a widow. I was widowed at 45 my husband died 4 days after his 47th birthday. I am now 65 and was born with a rare Neurological condition and a hole in my heart. My fit healthy husband had a grade 4 malignant melanoma and given 5 years he lived 3. Ended up with 6 tumours 3 in his right lung ,1 in his chest and 2 by the optical nerve. So he couldn't breath and was going blind. I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok. He died a few minutes later. But there is never being ok. I lost half of me when he died and haven't been whole since.

But I am lucky to be so loved and to love in return. We met when I was 16 and he was 18 . 29 years together married 22.

Don't hold back the rage and anger as you only hurt yourself. I learnt that to my cost . I was a fool to try and control it as I hurt myself more.

Grief is different to the sorrow which everyone experiences in their life. Grief means you are never the same. Grief is something you can only explain to someone who has experienced it. I have experienced grief and it can take over emotions. No happiness in one's life is ever the same as there is an edge to it. My experience was over 40 years ago and, like Whiff I have never been whole since. No therapy or tablets can change anything. We have to move forward as best we can. Fortunately this site of full of understanding and helpful people and many of us have found it of great benefit.

Skydancer

Grief is different to the sorrow which everyone experiences in their life. Grief means you are never the same. Grief is something you can only explain to someone who has experienced it. I have experienced grief and it can take over emotions. No happiness in one's life is ever the same as there is an edge to it. My experience was over 40 years ago and, like Whiff I have never been whole since. No therapy or tablets can change anything. We have to move forward as best we can. Fortunately this site of full of understanding and helpful people and many of us have found it of great benefit.

I agree with this, Skydancer, and it annoys me when the media talk about an ‘outpouring of grief’, as they did when people like Diana and the Queen died. Sorrow, yes, but certainly not grief as I understand it.

So many kind messages in such a short time!
Thank you, everyone. It really does make a difference.

Woodle Feel your pain and wish you better days🙏

Your life will grow around the pain. You have to grieve in your own way! I am still angry with my sister for dying six years ago. Totally irrational but you can’t be logical about your emotions.

I lost my beloved mother nearly five years ago. I will never fully recover from her death. She was my soulmate and sometimes I am angry that she was taken from me before I was ready. But you are never really ready for a loss, are you? I just try to carry on, be happy as she would want me to be and try to be grateful for having had her and the happy times we shared. It’s very hard though.

I lost my husband four years ago next month. I went through the various stages, anger being the most prevalent. Angry because he died and left me on my own, irrational but felt. Fear of the future going solo. It does get easier to deal with, though I do have my moments. At the time I thought I’d never get over my loss but every day was a step forward. Hugs to you. Xx