Hope you don't think I am crass, but I do need advice

So sorry to hear this news. A lot to take in and process. I hope you will be getting more information and a plan from the doctors.
Try to take things a day at a time and always try to look after yourself by seeing friends and having some activities.
Do find out what help and support is available in your country.
Wishing you all the best.

Good luck, grandtante. You will cope because you've already started by talking about it.

Thanks Hithere.. I like that phrase. X

I am so sorry grandtante. It takes time to absorb the shock of finding your DH has a poor prognosis with his cancer.
I found myself in that position many years ago. My DH was only 49 when he was told his cancer was terminal.
He wanted everyone to know and we did get a lot of support which was what we both needed.
That was right for us but not for everyone. You do need to look after yourself to be able to care for him so if you need to talk to someone you should.
I hope the diagnosis isn't as bad as you feared and your DH can be treated and be well again.

So sorry to hear your sad news; sadly I have walked that path. My DH died from metastatic kidney cancer 14 years after first diagnosis; it came back three times in that time; he had two successful surgeries, but the third time we were told that it could only be controlled by chemo, but he died 6 weeks later. That final time it was so sudden that we had to come to terms with things very quickly, within 24 hours he had gone from coping reasonably well to being almost unable to breathe. Rushed into hospital, he died a week later.

Before that we lived each day to the full, and tried to carry on as normal, enjoy being with family and do all the everyday things, going out for meals and drinks. He didn't mind how many people knew. I just got on with things and tried to make life as good for him as I could, and put my smiley face on.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, there is no handbook for this, you just meet each hurdle as you come to it and cope as best you can.

I wish we had talked more with each other about what was happening, that is my one regret.
I would go through everything all over again to have just 24 hours with my darling husband as he was - but I wouldn't want him to go through that last week again.

I miss him more every day.

Such awful stories. Cancer is a scourge. As well as my DH having cancer, two of my three brothers-in-law have been diagnosed now. We don't know how strong we can be until we have no choice.

Georgesgran

You dealt with it because you are strong and had no other choice - with lemons you make lemonade

It is amazing what we get used and cope with

DH received his devastating news on Christmas Eve 2015 - stage IV, metastised, terminal and given 3 months - despite being assured that tests in November had shown nothing and a kidney stone was likely to have been responsible for his aches and pains. It was surmised that it must’ve broken down and been passed.
We had all the family here and couldn’t face keeping the news, so all were told and DH ‘announced’ it on his FB page before NYE.
In January ‘16, I took a call for him - despite the rules, the Consultant told me his diagnosis was wrong. He did have cancer, but a kind that could not only be treated, but also cured.
We launched into 5 years of treatment, 18 months of which he spent in remission. Unfortunately, after a relapse, every time we got near the date for a breakthrough treatment, he went down with sepsis, 3 times - touch and go, but he fought through it. In the end, palliative chemo took over until he could fight no longer.
No-one knows how, but we lived day to day. There were monthly appointments, a drug trial, weekly treatments, weeks as an in-patient at times, but he placed all his hopes in his Team - knowing they would look for any options he could take, with new treatments coming through. Gradually, he withdrew from his main hobby and embarked on his second choice, continuing looking forward and making plans.
Covid was awful, literally time he would never get back.
Eventually we did come to the end of the road. DH thanked his Team and told everyone he’d had a good life although devastated he wouldn’t see DD2’s baby born. He’d managed to retire at 55 and had 10 good years, before the illness, the 5 with it. To this day, I often look back and wonder how we dealt with it all - the DDs were devastated but helped, as did their DH’s and gradually, weeks turned into months and we just tried to live our lives to the best we could, without going too far or doing anything stupid. MacMillan were worse than useless, but Marie Curie and the District Nursing Team amazing. The GP got me carers towards the end, who were invaluable.
People look at me and think how well I coped and still do, but it’s often a front and I miss him more than I thought possible.

I do hope you can share your ‘journey’ here and as I did (along with many others) take comfort and help from wherever it’s offered.
My best wishes. X

There is no right or wrong in this situation. There are just daily struggles to get through. When my daughter was on palliative care I told her I had to be strong for her. She told me that meant she had to be strong for me. We both struggled and did our best which is all you can do. Its a very lonely scary time.

Very sorry to hear your news, grandtante65. I have no experience as difficult as what you are going through, but when my DH had cardiac problems and was waiting for major surgery (which turned out to be successful, fortunately), I found my family and my close friends gave me a lot of support. Even knowing they were there if I wanted to talk was helpful. Once your husband has started to come to terms with what is happening, he may find that family and friends are helpful for him as well, and it's early days yet, after all.

As for keeping a smile on your face, it's hard when the initial shock is still raw, but don't be afraid to treat yourselves to things, food, days out, even TV programmes or films that you enjoy, and make the very most of what time you have together. The dusting will always keep.

I hope the biopsy report is not as bad as you fear.

I have no experience grandtante but didn't want to pass by without saying how sorry I am .

So sorry to hear this news.

I was in your husband’s position when I was 37 with 3 young children.

I too asked my husband to keep it between us.

I could not deal with other people’s reactions and emotions, I needed time to come to terms with it myself first.

My husband dealt with it badly as he was frightened of the prospect of child rearing alone,he kept saying “it will be alright “.
Honestly I could have killed him…he didn’t know it would be OK and I needed him to help me with a plan to move forward if it wasn’t.

I had successful surgery and further treatment and hit 60 this year, I am in overall good health.

I hope the prognosis is not as bad as you fear but either way formulate a plan together, find someone to confide in,talking is cathartic and take any help or support that is offered.

A post up thread suggested telling no one for a month and having a rethink.

I think this is the way to go.

There will be a way through all this, it won’t be pleasant or easy but you will get through.

My DH is slowly dying from leukaemia, and has been for seven years, and he’s pretty ok at the moment
We get through by just laughing about it. I realise this may be unusual, but I cannot start stressing and worrying before I absolutely have to.

But to answer you on some points -
Balancing his needs with yours, you will know how by seeing how he is day by day, if it’s a bad day I know I would put my immediate needs on the back burner. So long as I could walk outside and see some greenery and sky and do abit of deep breathing for five minutes that would enable me to get through.

Help him best,
By quiet observation, being on hand to help with all and everything and enabling him to attempt to have the sort of day he wants.

How will you smile when you’re heart is breaking.
You may not, you’ll probably weep in front of him, as well as laugh. You’ll weep together and both weep alone.
It’s hard to keep it all bottled up.

Sorry such a long post, I really do feel for you. If it helps come on here and talk to all of us anytime. Xx

I am very sorry and send my very best to you.

I think that finding out what will happen when the time comes re finances etc is important, even though he may not want to talk about it, it will impact you in the future, so maybe a bit of googling about what happens in the country you are in, ? France in the meantime?

I certainly do think your son should be told, as if something happened and he did not know he would be very resentful, and he would be able to help you through this hopefully? My ex-husband didn't take our children to see their grandpa even when he was ill but able to talk to them etc, and he died, they were heartbroken that they weren't able to say goodbye and hadn't seen him in years. He hasn't taken them to see their Grandma either, so when my eldest daughter died in November, she was very upset as she hadn't seen her for about 10 years. The last time either of them went to see her was when I took them years ago as we were sort of passing on the way up from the south to my mum in Yorkshire, (we didn't even get on) but I just thought that it was the right thing to do! She is now well into her late '90's, my daughter can now drive herself, but has 2 young children, and taking them on a 2 hr car journey each way to go and see someone for 20 minutes would really be too much. She is very deaf so they can't call her, and although she used to email, she can no longer see ... it's very sad, but shows how resentment can build.

Yes Iam we were lucky. I'm so sorry about your DH. My heart goes out to you and all others in this horrible situation.

Kate1949 - we told our daughters, siblings and close friends. Their support wonderful. Like your daughter, ours say they’re so relieved to have been aware and able to make the best we could of the time we had left
We were unlucky - his cancer was extensive and aggressive. Treatments, including palliative treatments can stop some cancers and extend life and it’s quality for msny

I'm so sorry to hear this grandtante. My DH was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2014. Fortunately, after treatment and many hospital visits/scans etc, he is still in remission.
The shock of that diagnosis is harid to explain as you have sadly discovered. My DH didn't want anyone to know as we were going in holiday with family. That holiday was very hard. On oir return, we told people and were glad we did. The support was much needed and appreciated. Our daughter said she would have been devastated if we hadn't told her and the worst happened. McMillan can give help and support. I wish you both all the luck in the world.

My husband died 10 months ago, 6 months after a devastating stage 4 metastasised cancer which had spread extensively. I’ve pm’d you.

So sorry to hear the news about your husband grandtanteJE65. It does take time to process everything. Take all the support available especially from your family. There are support groups here in France for families as well as the patient I think. CSF comes to mind. The local nurses were a great help to my friend when her husband was diagnosed. They visited regularly and offered advice as well as treatment. I hope you both find the strength to deal with this, you have my sympathy.

So sorry to hear this news

I am so sorry to read your news.
Although not quite the same, my late husband was not really hearing the reality of his situation, ie heart failure. In one sense that was good, as he had such a positive attitude and was determined to get better after his heart attack, but sadly it was not to be. I had to encourage him, and not be negative, as he often suffered from anxiety despite his positivity. But if the opportunity arose, occasionally I gently reminded him that his heart was very weak, and he might not be able to manage to do x, y or z.
In particular I wanted him to make sure his affairs were in order, but he did not manage to update his will, which has caused us a few problems.
I did not need to worry about telling the family as they heard it from the consultant in hospital themselves.
Friends who heard he was in hospital did not ask questions but prayed for us, which was a great comfort.
I am not sure how helpful I have been. Most of the time we were just getting on with coping with whatever needed to be coped with, as indeed I still am. You will need all the support you can get from your family, so I think it is essential that they know so that they can be there for you.

My stepfather refused to allow anyone to know he was ill and the fallout for my mum was horrible.

I would ask him to give you a month where no one is told and then ask him to discuss it again. If he still refuses, I think you have an equal duty to your son as to your husband.

Be truthful with your son and tell him that you are speaking to him about this against his father’s wishes. I lost my Father to cancer when I was very up young. Knowing he was sick helped me cope with his death. I would have felt betrayed if I had not been allowed time to prepare myself.

Also sent you a PM, op

My heart goes out to you all.

We all know by the time we reach this age that one of us will be left and it is the most difficult road any of us will have to travel (unless it is a child) .

I think of those travelling this road every day, but words never seem enough, so I say very little.