Lonely

Lost my post so will try again
Merry Christmas and happy new year. But remember Christmas is only one day. Your love and grief doesn't know what day it is.

For some this will be your first Christmas without your loved one and you may be spending the day on your own. And it will be hard but every day without the other half of yourself is hard it's just at Christmas we are bombarded with happy families which makes it worse.

If you are on your own try and think of all the things that made you smile or laugh you know the silly things they said and did. If you cry remembering nothing wrong with that . If you are with others and you find it all to much go into another room to have some alone time. They will understand they may be putting on a brave face for you but they are grieving to.

I made a pact with myself I was allowed to be upset Christmas eve but never Christmas day my husband loved Christmas.

From 1996 he cooked the Christmas lunch assisted by the children as I had a hysterectomy the week before Christmas only thing I had to do was carve and make the gravy. He cooked Christmas lunch from then until 2002. He's idea of cooking the turkey was having a glass of pale sherry at 10am while getting it ready to go into the oven. The children had a glass as they got older.

Our tree went up on 1st December and came down 2nd January. I have done the same ever since he died. His last Christmas was 2003. Our daughter and son cooked the lunch I carved and made the gravy as usual. It was the last complete meal he ate.

On the afternoon we talked about his funeral he said do what you want but don't burn me in my Jeff Banks suit it cost me £350 in the mid 90's. He then said he wanted to get too his 47th birthday in February we promised we would get him there. And we did.

He was stubborn until the end he was unconscious on full oxygen and couldn't breath. I had been lying by his side on our bed. I looked at children and told him to stop we would be ok . He died few minutes later. But there is never an ok . But it is the price I pay for being so loved and love in return. As without love there can be no grief.

As several of you have said, living with and loving someone for so long - three quarters of my life, in fact - doesn’t mean you have ceased to be an individual, rather that in a good partnership the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. We were very different so that between us we could tackle most things and were each other’s support team. That’s what I miss most, someone who knew how I felt without being told, and who was good at helping me develop a sense of perspective.

It's was four years last September that I lost my much loved husband. We had been married nearly 52 yeats.
I volunteer in a school and go to a craft group every couple of weeks. I try and keep myself busy.
Do I still miss him? You bet I do.

RosiesMaw, the way I cope is by being thankful that my husband was not the one left on his own, he would not have coped like I do. Feeling like this, well that is true love, putting the other person first. Women, on the whole, cope better

As an aside, it has been a blooming long and silent day

Goodness biglouis - moving words. 👏👏👏

Now I have barred them out
I have barred them all out
And have come alone
Voluntarily entered
Into this narrow world
Of my own choosing
Where my life centers

I have closed my eyes
And have insulated my lonely
Blighted destroyed thing of a heart
And have fallen in like a stone
And I cannot now break free
Even if I would

I speak
And my voice returns
Into my own ears
Beaten back by invisible walls
Words are said
By those outside
And, using some habit
Learned in former times
And vacantly remembered now
I give back answers
Of a kind

So day by day
I live in this world
Speaking through the walls
That none can see
And where I move
The walls of my prison
Move with me

Luckygirl3

*Every woman should have self-reliance, self respect, self-confidence to know she can embrace life (and feel good!) with or without a man.*

To suggest that those who grieve for a life's partner do not have these attributes makes no sense. I have all these things - I am very lucky - and I am embracing this new life, but it is far from what I had hoped for and would have chosen.

Spending decades (or even sadly for some, even less time) with a partner clearly changes people - routines, loving acts, all are blown out of the water in one moment. You do not get over that in a moment.

I think you should respect the grief of those who have lost a life partner, and recognise the challenges that this creates in a world that is set up for couples.

I couldn't agree more.. it is many years since my husband died bit I still miss his intelligence, wit, creativity and kindness,, I count myself lucky to have known him and the loss never completely disappears.. even though I have a good independent life now.

Positive and uplifting post Karma you are indeed an example of “getting up and getting on with life”

Not one to talk though (as I fell asleep again around 6 and woke up at 10.30!) I think you have highlighted the TINA principle - There Is No Alternative - other than turning one’s face to the wall. But I do recommend finding the Woman’s Hour item on Loneliness (Thursday?) as is it reassuring to know that our emotions are shared by so many.
When I am feeling on top of things , I remind myself that I was not the first and won’t be the last to feel like this.
Yes, there is no longer that person who knew us better than ourselves and loved us best.
But it is what it is and we perhaps owe it to him as Greyduster says to live our lives as best we can.

My pain is bearable now, it never goes away so I keep myself busy, especially during this family period. I went walking around town to get some exercise this morning, the house is very clean and my current hobbies involve sitting, hence I need the exercise.

I did not walk with a gloomy face, I said hello to a lot of people but I did notice most had that harrassed look on their faces, while queing at the butchers or while carrying heavy bags to home. One baker had almost empty shelves and the other baker had a only few loaves left. Get up, get out early and so it starts for many, the sheer weariness of the long christmas holiday, which is not a holiday for many

There is an upside to catering for one, to knowing that the OH, spouse or partner, would approve of getting on with it while living with the good memories

The bad news is that grieving never ends. The better news is that the pain becomes more bearable as time goes on. Having said that I would 'happily' tolerate this inner misery than have missed the lovely thirty years we had together. I wish you well.

Luckygirl the person who wrote that I don't think has lost the other half of themselves like we have.

Just been talking to my best her husband died a year ago last week . And how it changes you. Like I said on the previous page . Grief has no time limit and in my experience it gets worse as the years go by. But you learn to live with it. It models you in ways you never thought it would.
Because of my health problems I was prepared to die first and knew my husband would take care of the children. But they would have to watch he didn't drink to much. Had it all worked out in my mind. But life isn't fair and it was my fit healthy husband got cancer and died and I am still here. But I live my life to the full as he made me promise him I would. But until I moved here I wasn't living the life he wanted for me. But because of him I can do more things than I thought I could. Turns out I am a gardener . Gardening was my husband's way to relax and because of the size of my old garden had to have a gardener . But here I have a garden I can manage. Have an artificial lawn with an inch thick pad under it with drainage holes as I fall.

To solve problems I think what would he do and then adapt that to what I can do. So after nearly 20 years he is still helping me. He is and always will be the love of my life. I am still married as far as I am concerned and will be until my dieing day. But have no intention of dieing anytime soon.

Every woman should have self-reliance, self respect, self-confidence to know she can embrace life (and feel good!) with or without a man.

To suggest that those who grieve for a life's partner do not have these attributes makes no sense. I have all these things - I am very lucky - and I am embracing this new life, but it is far from what I had hoped for and would have chosen.

Spending decades (or even sadly for some, even less time) with a partner clearly changes people - routines, loving acts, all are blown out of the water in one moment. You do not get over that in a moment.

I think you should respect the grief of those who have lost a life partner, and recognise the challenges that this creates in a world that is set up for couples.

When the other half of you dies in my case I lost half of me. It will be 20 years in February since my husband died. But I have found my grief has gotten worse as the years go by. Just learn to cope. But it can be overwhelming at time so I don't fight it and let it consume me . I found if I fought it it only lasted longer. So going with it and let the tears flow and shout out this shouldn't be my life or swear at my husband for dieing it's out of my system and I can face life without him. I learnt the hard way trying to be brave and only hurt more. But I was 45 when I was widowed what did I know about death and how bad it would be when he died. I was born disabled and have little hole in my heart. But didn't get my neurological condition diagnosed until last year as it's rare and only found out about my heart in 2020.

When the other half of you dies it doesn't matter if you have been with them a year or 50 . You are never the same person. And suddenly you have to live a single life. Being a couple isn't easy but has great rewards . I was 16 and my husband 18 when we met. What did I know about life without being a couple.

One minute you are two and then one. We always knew my husband was going to die he was given 5 years he lived 3. When he became terminal he did everything in his power to make it easier for me when he died. He wrote lists and pinned them in the study who to contact as soon as he died . Yes it did make it easier but for the less than 4 months he lived after being told he was terminal they mocked me. I know that sounds odd how can lists mock you but it's how I felt.

I hate being classed as single to me I am still married. Even after all these years and still hate the empty side of the bed . But because of him I get through everyday . To love and loved in return is precious. He was the only person in the world who knew the real me and me him. He was and still is my everything.

I get very annoyed with people who think there is a time limit on grief . It's the angry and rage plus the grief and love for my husband that gets me through another day.

Use whatever emotion gets you through everyday. But as hard as it is live your life to the full not just for yourself but for the other half of you who has died . And don't expect to be the same person you were because you won't be.

To grief means you have loved . Some people live their whole lives and never know a true love. But the love you shared grief is the price we pay. 💐

Polnan, I recommend you risk replying "only so-so". You will maybe find someone else who is brave enough to tell the truth and shame the devil.

I know what you mean. Sometimes I’m fine and sometimes I think what is life about. I have family but yet I feel at times I’m alone - I’ve lost all confidence in myself too.

Very much so. My husband of 47 years died on Christmas Day 2019. I miss home so very much. I miss his support, his kindness, his laugh, his love.

M0nica

Here is a link to the Chatty Cafes that Gin mentioned thechattycafescheme.co.uk/

The programme also mentioned Talking Cafes, but when I searched for a link, they seemed to only exist in Somerset. I am sure that is not correct.

I had a look and found this: thechattycafescheme.co.uk/find-a-chatty-table/#lat=54.47440229590476_lng=-2.87629554999999_z=5 It goes to a map which seems to show many Chatty cafes - even one in Shetland! However I did not explore is as the Cookie notice did not give an option to limit choices, which I prefer to do.
Hope it helps.

Here is a link to the Chatty Cafes that Gin mentioned thechattycafescheme.co.uk/

The programme also mentioned Talking Cafes, but when I searched for a link, they seemed to only exist in Somerset. I am sure that is not correct.

Rileykids, there isn't a time limit to grieving. We don't have to be good at it, either. Why do we expect ourselves to do well, keep it together, adjust and adapt, carry on cheerfully etc. - when our whole lives and identities have undergone a metamorphic shift?

I thought of grief as a very heavy backpack. Sometimes I could step out and away from it, leave it on a shelf for a time. Still, I had to return to it, carry it, aware of that awful weight, on a daily basis.

Gradually (very gradually) the weight decreased. Sometimes it would disappear, yet return unexpectedly, at the most awkward of times.

I still feel that it's around here somewhere. It's just a light little thing now, the remnants of a former life and identity. It's mine, it's comfortable, I know and understand it well - yet other's just don't get it at all.

Just over four years since I lost my DH after 53 years together. We did everything together and enjoyed each others company. We did argue too and he was a stubborn man at times but we laughed a lot.
I struggled through covid isolation not long after his death which was really difficult, not being able to see family until I bubbled with my daughter and her family. I felt angry at times because he had left me to deal with all the things he used to deal with. He was very handy at DIY and now I do it myself or get someone else in to it.
My family are always in touch and I’ve just spent the day with brother and his wife and sister and husband. Had a lovely time but always feel like the third wheel.
I always remember my mum saying when she lost my dad, she hated going out with couples which I couldn’t understand at the time. I said no one would know you were on your own and she said ‘but I knew’. I now know exactly what she meant. I miss my DH every day, sometimes in fondness, sometimes in sadness, now and again in anger that he went first but always in love.
After much agonising I got a little dog a year ago and it’s the best thing I ever did. She’s helped me in so many ways. Making friends while out walking, she’s my companion in the evening and she shows me so much love.

Gundy thank you. I live a full life. I moved to the north west of England and never know such wonderful people. I go to a sit fit class on a Monday. I am the youngest in the class at 65 oldest member is 91. Sit fit isn't an easier option for exercise as we have a good work out sitting and holding on to the back of the chair but it's fun and everyone encourages each other.

Thursday afternoon 2 hours of my craft group. I cross stitch. It's a mixed media group we are an odd bunch all different and funny enough apart from one doesn't have multiple things wrong with us. I was born with hereditary Hyperekplexia gene mutation SLC6A5 type 3 plus a hole in my heart and have paroxysmal atrial fibrillation. But on tablets for both which help.

Because of my neurological condition which ironically only got my diagnosis for after moving here and put on a tablet to stop my limb jerks and siezures. My old neurologist could have done both things but didn't.
My husband said he needed a suit of armour instead of PJ's as I had the limb jerks in my sleep as well as awake. But when my health got worse in 1988 he just said we alter our way of life to suit you and be a normal family. That was the sort of man he was . He keep his word until the day he died.

I have know people who's husband or wives had walked out of them because they became seriously ill. But that shows they didn't love them.

My husband said I married you in sickness and in health. He was cheeky my man when I got worse in 1988 he said I always knew you where damaged goods but still wanted you. I told him on our first date in 1975 I had constant pain my legs and fell all the time. But he didn't care.

We had a brilliant life together but his love keeps me going everyday.

I hope you have love like that in your life.

Whiff, I’m sorry you suffered and grieved so much.
There’s a beautiful life out there for you.
God bless.

(I did sign on to GransNet so I could read everyone’s opinions…)

I'm in week 1 of year 2 of widowhood. DH and I knew we were super-lucky to have been together for 59 years. Once we'd clapped eyes on each other, there was no going back and we were a team.
Now, I function, I can be diverted, but really I feel hollowed out. I'm still in wet hanky territory and probably always will be. I know there are so many the same, men as well as women, like my dad was, for instance, after my mum died. That's a sort of comfort to me.

Gundy have you loved and found the other half of yourself and then have them die?

I didn't need my husband to give self respect ,self reliance or self confidence. I got those on my own but I also got the never ending love ,friendship ,lover,father to our children the only person who knew me inside and out and I knew him. We both had tempers and told stubborn. But we never argued about important things but we did argue. My husband was my rock and I was his. When my health got worse it didn't phase him . He adapted our house so life was easier for me . The children did everything every child did with their parents. Their lives where filled with love and attention.

When my husband was told he had 5 years to life he cried in my arms every night for a week until he fell asleep. Then I could cry. He made sure the last years of his life was lived as normal. Only I and the children knew he was going to die. He didn't want anyone to treat him as in his words as dead man walking. He didn't fear dieing but he did fear people treating him differently. When he was terminal what he feared happened so he cut those people out of his life.

He used to wake in agony in the night and would hold a pillow over his face until the morphine made him sleep so our children didn't hear him screaming.

His last day he couldn't breath on full oxygen I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok . He died minutes later.

Gundy have you been through that?

My husband was my one and only because of our love for eachother a true love . Together we made a whole . We faced my things in our 29 years together . But we did it on equal terms as a team . I enriched his life as he enriched mine.

I miss him everyday but because of our love I live my life to the full. Yes I feel like half a person but because I haven't got that true love anymore. I still reach out in the night for him and never want to lose that.

Because of him I am who I am . He died in 2004 aged 47 I was 45 . After he died I had both parents and mother in law to look after while being ill myself. Mom was the last to die in 2017. And had my own brush with death myself that year. But because my temper and stubbornness and my love for my husband and family . I survived jaundice. But I didn't know until my gastrologist discharged after 5 months people with my bilirubin levels normally died.

Everything I have done since then I have done on my own . But since my move to the north west my whole life changed for the better. But still miss my husband everyday. Still love him . I talk to him everyday have swore at him and even blamed for dieing but have been doing this everyday since he died. Then I see him with that stupid grin on his face. I imagine him saying feeling better.

Many here will understand how I feel . And those that don't kept you opinion to yourself.

I think you're missing the point Gundy. I have never thought I need a man to make me whole, I was not brought up to believe my goal in life was to get married or have children, I have never thought I am not a person in my own right. BUT I have lived with a very good man who I loved deeply for over 50 years and I feel his loss very much and it's knocked the stuffing out of me. It has nothing to do with self worth.