Lonely

Even though I posted earlier - after reading more on this thread I would like to disagree with the belief that you need a man to make you whole. NO!

Every woman should have self-reliance, self respect, self-confidence to know she can embrace life (and feel good!) with or without a man.

Now I realize women our age come from a different era when getting married was the only goal in a young woman’s life, and perhaps have children.

Today, to that, I say rubbish. Now I also realize that some women evolve into their own being and self-worth as they mature. You are NOT your (late) husband. There’s no reason to carry around the mantle of thinking that you are not worthy of happiness because they are gone.

This thinking will keep you from prospering and finding your own purpose.

Oh ladies, your stories are heartbreaking and inspirational in equal measure.
💐 for you ALL.

Reading these threads I am so glad I never re-married after my very brief marriage ended.

I had a number of "friends with benefits" relationships which ended because the other party wanted a level of committment I could not offer. For me a partner is an important part of my life but cannot be the entirity of it. I am whole within myself and never longed to be one of a pair or to support that level of intimacy.

At the heart of it was the fear of losing my sense of self in a relationship. Closing my eyes to my own dreams in order to support someone else's. Then, when the person dies, you sit about like an antique clock with the mainspring gone.

The title of this thread is “lonely”. When I was active even though I lost the love of my life I was so busy with many friends and acquaintances I had no time to be lonely. Now Since I have been housebound and outlived my friends I am LONELY The only people I see or have a reasonable conversation with at all are my helps for an hour or so daily. The neighbours some of whom I have known for thirty years only came to see me at Christmas and my 100th birthday. My family who all live miles away are busy with their own lives and the only contact I have is via my IPad.

Such brave brave women.

It's been 18 months for me and every day since has been a day to endure. There has been an occasional day when things seem to have gone OK with not so many tears but waking up every morning alone and going to bed alone are pretty much a torture and a time for tears. The violent sobbing has given way more to tears that come any time any place and also to a deep sadness. I miss him so very much. Small problems which wouldn't have bothered me before have become causes of sleepless nights and constant worry when I have noone to share them with. I've become a bundle of nerves almost frightened of my own shadow and totally lacking in confidence. Neither of us were particularly sociable we were happy to just be together so no friends to go out and about with. Very difficult to build new friendships at my age when I don't have the confidence to join groups etc. Easy to know what I should do to move forward but much more difficult to take those first steps alone.

I lost my DH eighteen months ago and would certainly agree that the second year is harder than the first. I was writing to a friend recently and found myself saying this: “The trouble with bereavement is that, in the early stages, you find yourself fighting against the loss, rather than owning it. When your instincts tell you to go headlong with the grief, let it floor you, you look for ways to combat it, not to let it define you; to rationalise it and show people that you’re dealing with it. In the end you’re fooling no-one and least of all, yourself. There’s nothing rational about it”. With the help of a lovely supportive family, I am trying to build something new without him after the fifty six years we had together. I do miss being part of a couple. It’s early days for me and I do my best, because he would expect nothing less of me.

luckygirl13

you have certainly been through the mill and your journey has taken its toll. I like that you are a survivor

Me too, I have three AC and they are all so loving and thoughtful, 2 dd and 1 ds. Always there for me, albeit pre-arranged visits as some travel is involved. I speak virtually to them every day, without effort via whatsapp and my son rings without fail every week from scotland

It is nice to have adapted to my situation now, without living in the past

3.5 years here too. Mostly I manage OK. I am heavily engaged in my village community: chair of school govs, trustee of Village Hall, run a choir and sing in another, design programmes and publicity. Very busy.
Have a lot of pain and physical limitations. That is very hard.
Hardest is going out to events and meetings and watching everyone else go home with someone or to someone ... that stings.
I have treasured DDs - 2 local, and wonderful GC. I live them all dearly and they love me
I am very lucky.
Am I lonely? Yes, some of the time. Do I miss my OH? Yes and no .... I do not miss the man he became due to illness ... and there were years of that. Do I miss the man he was? Yes.

Mogsmaw we on the support thread on the estrangement forum call estrangement a living grief. But I have found there are many types of grief.

The worst is the grief you feel for the other half of yourself the one person in the whole world who completed you and you made a whole. Doesn't matter if you are different or same sex been together a year or 50+ the loss is the same . You are never whole again. Love and grief for your loved one never dies but you learn to cope. But the grief can still overwhelm you after years without that person. The only person who knew the real you and you them.

Grief for loss of health whether that's physical or mental or both.

Grief when a parent dies.

Grief of a child which must but the worst . But I can't say how that feels as I only talk about things I experience.

Grief for friends and other relatives who die. And the concern for their loved ones.

Grief for a much loved pet.

People only talk of grief as if someone dies. But bet others can think of more grief's than me.

But grief for the other half of you as horrible as it is means you have loved and been loved. Some people live their whole lives and never have that. We are the lucky ones to have had it as hard as it is once that person dies. And some people are lucky enough to find that again. But my husband was my one and only. I have never wanted another man in my life. No one would ever be like my husband. We met when I was 16 and he was 18. My disability never phased him he loved me. Unfortunately in all our years together I was never able to get a diagnosis to what was wrong with me . But he kept his word and we where a normal family even though that meant when my health got worse when our children were 4 and 6 months old. I went out in a wheelchair. As he would never leave me behind.

Last year I finally had my diagnosis I was born with a rare hereditary neurological condition. Already found out I was born with a hole in my heart in 2020. I am now 65 . And because of my husband live a full and happy life. He's love keeps me going everyday. Yes I am still angry and still have the rage over him dieing but I use that in a positive way.

My husband died thirty six years ago at the age of 67. I was63 we had let the bungalow and we’re travelling Europe by caravan. We were very close and devoted. Living in a caravan for ten years.
my son brought me back to U.K. because I did not drive lived in the van for a year until the tenant left.
The place was a wreck so I spent three months living in the caravan on the drive for three months while I completely redecorated and renovated the furniture all by myself. Then I started to visiting my son in California and niece in Barbados and going on coach holidays. Had to give up when I was 82 because of arthritis and that was the last time I did any decorating. I just cannot understand these widows who give up everything when they lose their spouses.

Missiseff

I've got my husband, family a friends but without my two estranged adult children and two grandchildren, I'm incredibly lonely.

This.
It’s so hard to admit as it seems to diminish what I have, but estrangement does feel like bereavement. I love my husband but I morn my daughters and five grandchildren.

Three years since my husband died. First year was shock and admin, second year was acceptance and heartbreak, third year was pulling the threads together to fashion a new life for myself. After 40 years together, I will never stop thinking of him and missing him, but I don’t cry so much now. Still feel lonely at the weekends but try to fill the time with cinema, theatre, art galleries etc. I’m now looking at holidays with a craft theme, eg painting or pottery, think they might suit widows.

My dh died suddenly nearly five years ago. He was a fit, active 54 year old. Miss him every day and always will. Can find little glitches very challenging and get anxious. Have lovely friends, a part time job I love, fantastic colleagues and a supportive son but would give anything for one more minute with dh. Recent health problems meant I was in a lot of pain which severely curtailed my getting out and about but am better now. Still get incredibly nervous about silly things like going into a cafe on my own and the thought of going on holiday alone terrifies me but I know I have to make myself do these things. I don't cry every day and enjoy a good laugh but there are times when the missing him is as raw as it was the day he died.

Mines 2 and a half years, and it comes in waves. I can go months just thinking nice memories then suddenly it will hit me and a feel really sad. We were married just over 50 years. Everyone grieves differently some more than others some less. None of it is wrong. My friend's Mum was still grieving 10 years afterwards.

Thank you Madeleine45,that was such good,kind advice

I am not lonely because I live on my own I am lonely for my husband. I like living on my own. Doing what I want when I want. Living the life my husband wanted for me. And having my daughter and family close by . Plus all the new friends I have made by joining a sit fit class and wonderful craft group. I am happier than I have been . Just miss my husband all the time.

There was a very interesting programme on Women’s Hour recently about loneliness particularly for widows. It explained how ‘Chatty Cafes’ began and now they are all over the country. They provide places for people to drop in for a chat where they will be welcomed and can meet up with others who wish companionship. They are in cafes, hotels and other non threatening venues. It sounded a great idea. I have tried to find the link on ‘Sounds’ but failed but there is information on the Web.

Yes, it will be 6 years in December since my DH died and I still miss him every day. We had been together for 40 years and apart from work did everything together. I still talk to him and wonder what he would say about things that happen. Being on your own after being part of a couple for so long is difficult and while I do things on my own or occasionally with friends it’s not the same without him. He was the only person I was ever 💯 myself with and I miss that very much.

Some positive thinking there, AGAA4 and Madeleine45 and others, thank you.
I’d love some ideas for holidays, short trips in the UK etc?

My DH died 25 years ago this month in his early 50s. Although a long time has passed I know you never get over losing someone close.
I have occasional lonely feelings but have moved on as I have had to do. Six GCs have been born since then and I have been involved in their lives and those of my ACs. I have moved out of the house I shared with him, changed job and retired. I have new hobbies and new friends.
I know how hard it can be and how lonely life can become but I knew it was up to me to make a good life for myself.

My dear husband died 6 years ago and i miss him every day still. I found ways to keep going, but then 18 months ago I had to leave my home, which still felt part of him, as I have cancer and a very bad back. Physically it was the right thing to do as I moved to a ground floor flat , and there are buses and trains and near the hospital. This way I am as independant as I can be. But it was the most difficult move and I have moved 19 times as an adult, because it was covid, no friends or family could help me move, I had to leave my beloved garden on three levels and worse than that - I am a singer - and had a large but lovely piano. This would not fit in the flat so it was very tough and all t he things that would help me were not available. I understood that it would be tough but what I had not realized was that I would feel as though my husband had just died.again. having to leave all the things that we shared and no piano or garden was tough. Still is, and I am having to cope with treatment etc as well. Thank goodness for radio 3 and every morning there is Bach before 7. I try to be dressed and have my coffee and sit there and listen to my beloved Bach and then face the day. Have made some friends and joined a group but due to my health issues I cannot even go back to a choir so as music is such a big part of my life it is hard. Cant go walking either now, but for me swaledale gives me solace and joy, and I drive up the dale and take my coffee and sit in the wonderful countryside, remembering the things we did and it makes me feel it is worth going on. So whatever is your favourite thing to do, go for it. There is little to be said for being a widow, but when I have been awake with my back at 5am, if the day looks decent I put the coffee and a sandwich in and go off to the coast or up swaledale. I sometimes sit there with the place to myself, binoculars at the ready and just enjoy the peace and tranquility. Then by about 11am , when the places start to fill up I go home.Less frustrating than sitting at home unable to do the jobs I wanted to!! Be kind to yourself, have a note book and jot down anything that is good, maybe a flower you found in the garden or a book or concert you might like. I also use the madeleine effect! that is my second name , so I say to myself What would Madeleine like to do today, or what would my husband b e suggesting we do? Then go and do it . When I feel really depressed and bad I dont go out to anything much so I decide I deserve a treat! Or rather Madeleine deserves a treat and I need to take her!! If you just think of something you would enjoy you may find new friends to share with, and of course much as we loved them, anyone you share with needs give and take, and now is the time to do just what you enjoy. So if you never made curry because he didnt like the smell of it , go for it. Or if he was quite happy for you to buy a bunch of flowers but queried it if you bought two lots at once. Well go mad , buy 10 bunches and have a house full. My granny was very important to me, and on her birthdaya and on the day she was killed I always get either a plant or flowers and give them as a little surprise to someone who is not expecting a gift. I dont tell them about her, that is my private thoughts but it is in her honour and it gives me pleasure to cheer someones day unexpectedly. So get the list going, whether it is wanting to go for a walk or a round the world cruise, somethings are possible from the list. Just dont let it turn into thinking what you would have both done together. also if you are still living in the same house or area, try and change , walk up a different road, try some cafes you have never visited so that that awful wrench when yhou see someone sitting in "his" seat at the cafe you used , especially if they look a bit like him. The best of luck in finding your way along.

There are some incredible stories here, and some incredibly sad ones. Like, life may be passing some people by. Sometimes it takes years - but how many will you allow yourself?

The only grief I’ve had in my life is losing my/our parents many years ago. I’ve not been widowed but - at the risk of sounding terribly insensitive - I’ve said many times to friends “I coulda killed him!” (regarding an abusive ex-husband) That’s a different kind of grief to live with.

No comparison to these stories of losing the “love of your life.” But I do want to say… try to recapture your sense of self and don’t grieve so long that you will die of loneliness.

Know that there are people out there who can listen, help and get you back on track for the time you have left. In closing… if your family or friends have pulled away, you need to think about why that may have happened.
USA Gundy

My husband died over 16 years ago . He 57 when he suddenly became ill and it was only 7 weeks from diagnosis till he died . I miss him every day as , apart from working, we did everything together.
I live with my daughter and her family now and see my son and his family a few times a week so I’m never lonely but still miss my husband .

The best thing I do is volunteer at my local National Trust house. I do one day a week but you can do as much or as little as you want. I have made many friends and there's time to chat in the mornings before we start and at the end of the day. There are regular catch up meetings, we are valued, and it's fun meeting different people every week. It's great learning about the NT property and being able to tell others about it. We are able to claim travelling expenses too so you're not out of pocket. I highly recommend it. Don't be lonely, be brave.