Lonely

Ah Winniewit Im so sorry. I know what you’re going through. It’s such a lonely time.
Do you have any family close by?

I'm new to being alone. My lovely husband died three months ago.
All of your thoughts and experiences are very encouraging.. so thank you ladies

Were we not fortunate having found our other half, the trouble is you can never think of another relationship because only they would do, so we do get lonely. We owe it to ourselves to
make the best life we can. It’s what our partner would want. I forced myself to do things like Whiff did although it was much harder for her. I don't think things are ever the same but we can eventually make a different one which is good.

dixie I am disabled and walk with a stick . Have a rare hereditary neurological condition which effects other aspects of my life . My husband died in 2004 aged 47 we had been together since I was 16 he was 18. My house was no longer my home without him . Long tale cut short.

I was finally able to move in 2019 to my bungalow over 100+ miles from where I lived . Had lived in my old house from 1985 and our first house was only couple of roads away we brought in 1980.

I had my bungalow adapted so it was safe for me . And decided when I moved I would life my life to the full. As before I existed I had no life of my own due to looking after others.

You say you don't have much mobility. But can you use an electric wheelchair or 4 wheel scooter . I don't know how bad your mobility is ? To be honest I walk but my mobility isn't great but I won't give in to a wheelchair yet. Plus I fall but it doesn't stop me . I am a member of 2 exercise classes, cuppa and cake group and craft group. I like to go out 3 times a week. Been quite ill recently but I still went out.

I think you do need to move but why a residential home ?

I have a friend who is in an electric wheelchair her daughter lives with her but she wizzes about by herself on the buses and local trains . They do go out together in the car . But she values her independence and feels her daughter needs her own life as well.

I am lonely but only for my husband. My daughter lives close by we do see eachother and my grandsons. But we both have busy lives . Recently she had to rush me to walk in centre and hated being dependant on her . Unfortunately I can lose my speech.

Moving would give you a new life but you have to make the effort to find things to do . I go on holiday by myself via the train with travel assistance and stay in premier inn as they have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled.

By your mobility do you mean because of your body or lack of transport?

so sad to see so many people lonely just like me I met my husband when I was 15, and we weer married 59 years, he died in 2021 we lived in this house for 40 years, and now my son and his wife think I should move into a residential home to have more company, they took over the mortgage and dont like leaving me alone, the are on holiday at the moment, I can cope but I need friends but am stuck without much mobility.

Thanks for your thoughts and kind words whiff. The loss of a loved life partner is so hard. 💖🙏🏽💙

Iam64 unfortunately it's not only the 2 nd year in my experience that's harder but as the years go by the grief gets worse . I know it's because I am getting older and my husband is frozen in time at 47 plus he has missed so much . Seeing the children getting older ,marrying and having their own children. Plus all the plans we had for the future things I will never do as they where our plans not mine . Also because of money worries I have missed the chance to got to places abroad I wanted to go. I have the money now but because of my disability means I can't go on a plane, also my daughter would worry to much as she wouldn't be able to get too me quickly if I became ill or had a bad fall.

As time goes by the grief deepens but you learn to cope but even now getting ever closer to 21 years the grief can be overwhelming and hits me out of the blue. I am still lonely but only for my husband. But I know I am living the life he always wanted me to since I moved here 5 years ago and live my life to the full.

The days ,weeks and months have flown by . But I am happier since my move than I had been since my husband took his last breath. And moving I found me again my place in the world . Even my estrangement from my son his choice I didn't see it coming and missing him and my 3 grandson's the eldest 2 I know but my son and daughter in law are so cruel I don't even know their youngest name or exact dated for birth. And estrangement is a living grief but decided last year to give up any hope of ever seeing or talking to my son ever again. And happy I made that decision. The grief for my husband far out weights what my son and daughter in law have put me through.

Iam64 I can't believe it's been 2 years since your husband died I still remember when you first says he died. I hope the time has flown for you . I don't mean that in a cruel way as I know how much the grief is overwhelming and weights you down but if it has dragged it makes the grief worse . I know I went through that ,my own fault thinking I had to be brave and hold my feelings in and waited to bedtime to let them out. I was a fool only wish someone had told me what I was feeling was normal and not to hold my grief inside but give into it.

That's why I ramble on I would hate anyone to do what I did but at 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief. I know I repeat myself I do that in real life but I don't lie as my memory is bad . It's part of my disability I can repeat myself in a sentence and don't even know I have already said it. Plus what I think I am saying comes out wrong or jumbled up. But have been like it my whole life. But since 2022 at least I know why, having my diagnosis changed my life for the better and found a group of of people going through the same thing. First person I wanted to tell was my husband so I did as I still talk out loud to him everyday. It's my way of coping and gives me comfort.

Everyone here know you are not alone and people here understand what you are going through . 💐

BA69, your experience of coping, dealing with admin, planning the funeral etc the finding yourself in floods of tears, will have been shared by many of us.

I’m mid 2nd year anniversaries and finding it’s true, what the research says, that the 2nd anniversaries are indeed, tough.
I’m living my new life as well as I can, despite missing him so much. I can’t say I’m lonely, I’m blessed with family and friends but often I’m alone.

whywhywhy sorry I made you cry . That wasn't my intention. I was very lucky to meet my husband when we where young . But people do get to meet their other halves at any age . So you still have time to meet that special person. 💐

whiff I cried when I read your words. So sad. I’ve never met anyone decent yet.

BA there is always so much to do up too the funeral . Then you realise that's it now what ?

When your husband took his last breath half of you died with him. Your present and future died to . And making a new present and future without him is bloody hard. In a second you go from being a couple to single .

Adjusting to be on your own is hard especially after 53 years of marriage plus the courting period . The moment my husband died my home was just a house . My husband was my home . I didn't have a life for 15 years until I moved here as I had our children at home for 2 years after there dad died . Our daughter was in her final year at uni the year he died she was 20 and out son at college he was 16. She came home to help her brother through A levels . Then out son went to uni and told my daughter she had to go back and use her education. While they with me I thought I had to be brave and hold everything together and couldn't let my grief go until I was in bed . What a fool I was but I was 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief.

I had both parents and mother in law to look after . I had no life I existed.

I am lonely but only for my husband not because I live on my own. I like being on my own . My husband died in 2004 aged 47. I still have overwhelming grief at times. For you it's only been 2 months . I call the first 10 years early grief.

The only person expecting you to be brave is you . I would hate for anyone to do what I did. By not showing my grief I hurt myself mentally and it makes my physical disabilities worse.

Bone crushing grief effects you in so many different ways . The rage and anger I still feel everyday gets me through everyday without my husband. I was born disabled but it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer we always knew he wouldn't live 5 years he lived 3.

I hope you talk out loud to your husband everyday I promise it will help . I have raged at my husband ,swore at him ,blamed him for dieing and leaving me but I then see him with that stupid grin on his face . I have no videos of him . And lost his voice as soon as he died but can hear how he phrased things.

I found after the funeral people disappear on me . It's when you know who really cares about you and that's hard to deal with.

Showing your feelings isn't being weak it's being human . Don't hold you grief in the only person expecting you to is you . I wouldn't say go to counselling as it's useless . The only person who knows how you are feeling is someone going through the same thing and understands how you lost everything . Yes I have children and 5 grandson's. But as much as I love them it's my husband I want .

But we where lucky to have found the other half of ourselves the one person that made us complete. The only person who knew the real you and you them . And not having that is hard but grief is the heavy price we pay for true love and I am glad I had my husband for as long as I did. We where together for 29 years married 22. I was 16 he was 18 when we meet. I didn't know how to be single . But I don't consider myself as single to me I am still married still Mrs and I don't say late husband as he was never late in his life until his funeral . The funeral before us ran over . I said to the kids dad would hate this and we laughed . My husband hated queuing . We didn't cry during the funeral and glad we didn't as there where so many people there. No wake or flowers and as atheists we had non religious service . We raised £5,000 + for the cancer ward that threated him but it was for patients to have treats .
Read some of the other threads and you see everyone feels as you do . Grief never dies like love never does.

Never hold your feelings it. By writing them down on GN gets them out in the open. Otherwise they fester in your mind and you hurt more.

I glad my posts rambles and I do ramble on but it makes me feel better. You are not alone in your grief many here are feeling the same . My grief for my husband hurts more than it did when he died I have just learnt to cope .

Hopefully this has helped you like I say I ramble on. 💐

My husband of 53 years died only 2 months ago. Everyone said how well I have coped, I just got on with things after he died and felt so calm at the funeral. Now, just this last weekend I have gone to pieces, for some reason on Saturday I just couldn't stop crying, I felt I had been hit by a truck, it came home to me, he won't ever be coming back. Obviously I knew this, but somehow it hadn't registered,I am crying now as I write this. This time of year gets me down at the best of times, the dark nights, all the Xmas adverts on TV. I have no children, and no friends really, we did everything together. I am dreading Christmas. I have acquaintances, but I have been putting on this brave face for them, I feel people will be fed up with me if I am being miserable. But perhaps I have been trying too hard to be brave. The future looks bleak to me

A loved one who has died is always with you. They are in your head,and in your heart.

I agree wholeheartedly with Cabbie. Feeling really comfortable with others doesn't come easy. There are alot of people who just talk about themselves, where you can't get a word in edgeways. Why would you want to reveal yourself properly to anyone like that.

Given that there are so many of us in the same boat, and I mean in Real Life, not just on Gransnet, why are we not able to find more friendships, companionships, or just someone compatible to go for a walk with, or to the theatre etc?

I belong to various groups, I have friends and family, but I don’t have anyone I can comfortably get together with.
What stops us? I know five ladies who have been widowed in the last year or two, but not well enough to make plans.
I am not talking about a new relationship, just a companion to go out with.
Sometimes it seems people are determined to remain cocooned.

Grieving loss never really leaves you. You don't have to get over it. You might need it to become resilient (in your own time). One day you will start to smile and remember fondly all the things that made you happy, but without the deep and raw feelings you have now. You just have to keep going

Grief is yours and yours alone and we all deal with it in different ways. There is no right way and no wrong way just your way. It is only two months since your Husband died BA69 so it is understandable that you are feeling sad. Very brave of you to join a social group so soon and I hope it works out for you. I also hope that joy will return to your life one day.

My husband of 53 years died 2 months ago, he was 77 as am I. I did hope we would have a few more years together, we had no children and as I was an only child I have no family at all now. We did everything together, so I have no friends really, acquaintances who have tried to help but I completely understand that "I am fine" thing. I don't want to be a misery around people, they have their own problems.so people think I am coping really well in the circumstances, I try to be funny and good company. I actually feel so sad inside and am crying now as I write this. Then I feel I shouldn't be feeling self pity. I am not the only one to go through this, so it was really helpful to read these posts, about not trying to hold it in and to shout and scream if I want to. At the moment I feel every day is just to be got through and I am dreading Christmas (not my best season at the best of times) I am trying and have joined a social group near me just to get me out of the house, but there is no joy in anything, I am just going through the motions at the moment. We had such good times together, meals out and going to the theatre, I am mourning my old life as well. Thank you for the chance to express myself, it has been a great help

Thankyou ladies, I now know my sadness is perfectly normal. DH died 2 years ago after fifty five years of marriage. I am lucky as we adopted 3 with Down Syndrome (sorry I have said this on another thread) I have to keep going for them as they have had to deal with their lovely dad dying. I cover my sadness up by caring for our lovely 3. When I am alone grief hits me, I just miss him so much. Thankyou everyone for being here.

Bumping up as to many old threads appearing at the top of the this. And people might take comfort from this thread .

I checked out the Chatty Cafe link and it seems as though you have to pay £30 to register before you can find out if there are any nearby.

I may be doing something wrong.

how long would it have taken say for your daughter to get to where you were on your recent trip.
it might be easier for her to fly to ireland, in the unlikely event that she had to come to your aid.
just a thought.
keep pushing those doors.

Whiff, it's a pity you cannot go to Ireland.
could your daughter take a few days off and drive you, or could you get the train to Holyhead and sail to Dublin.
i think you would enjoy it.
obviously it's easier with someone else, but i reckon you could plan and do it yourself; you now sound up for a challenge.
all the best.

Surely if you love someone you never stop grieving for them? I think the problem here is being used to sharing your life with someone and feeling bereft when they have gone. No-one can take their place.

A lot of the posts it could well be my experience. I feel lonely inside, the estrangement of the living grief for the daughter I adored is there all the time, so much hidden. My husband tried every way not to leave me he was brave and his thoughts were for me being alone, he thought I would always have my children we were close. I have friends and always busy, the chatty one who makes people laugh who doesn't talk of the pain inside as no one wants to hear it, counselling is not for me, I trained as one, constantly rehashing things doesn’t put those issues to bed, it’s like picking a scab. Some people spend all their life in therapy, but we have to deal with what we have, broken hearts don’t heal without scars. I’ve travelled a lot and met lovely people, how I wish it had been with him, but know others are far worse off than me, I know those really down moments will go and I look forward to thugs I’ve planned. I know others who are still going to bereavement groups after 20 years, I never went to one, not for me.