Is it ok not to attend the funeral of a brother?

Thank you I appreciate the support.

Cateq, same here, I've paid for direct cremation, they can have a little get-together and scatter my ashes in anyone's garden - I really don't care!

Yes ok to not attend.
The live stream thing, that’s weird

tanith, just being 81 years old is a good reason to not attend - let alone that long journey. You are quite right that you can represent her. It seems to be the sensible thing to do.

I believe it is now acceptable to video funerals .perhaps this would be a solution for you & your family. Best wishes

I think, given your sister's age and the long journey she would have to make, this is fine. You say your sister-in-law is lovely so it is unlikely she will be upset or offended, though presumably your sister would send flowers and perhaps write a letter of condolence, also expressing her regret at being unable to do the long journey.

That's perfectly fine I think

It’s completely upto the individual…Your Sister could light a candle in reflection /memories good and bad 🙂

Absolutely fine not to attend his funeral plus your sister is a good age. You can take an order of service home for her and perhaps take flowers and a card with her name on it any a message she’d like, on her behalf to put on the coffin or at the grave and take a photo to show her. That may make her feel better and give closure x

So sorry for your loss, I agree with the other posts it’s fine if your sister isn’t able to make the journey. Having attended my fair share of funerals and having been involved in arranging some, I’ve told my family I don’t want a funeral service, it’s a direct cremation for me please. The stress on the bereaved is too much and as I won’t know what’s happening what is the point in my opinion, funerals are a money making machine that I’d rather my family did something else with the money

I presume your SIL knows very well that neither you nor your sister found your brother particularly easy to get on with, and with the distance involved your sister at her age is entitled to not attend, especially as in order to get to the funeral and back she would need to be driven by someone who would have to take time off work to do so, and, presumably have to forfeit either a holiday day or a day's wages to help your sister.

You will be there on both your own and your sister's behalf, and have done as your SIL asked regarding early memories.

In your elder sister's place, I too would remain at home, but if I got on well with my sister-in-law I would mention now that it would be nice if she would come for a short visit somtime during the coming summer.

An old friend died recently and her funeral was held last week. As we're in France at short notice it would have been expensive to fly to the UK plus the cost of an hotel and car hire plus finding someone to look after a newly acquired dog.

Her husband understood completely and, since there were other people like us who couldn't attend the funeral a video link was arranged. So, we sat in front of the computer, watching the Humanist service. It worked very well and both of us had hankies to hand.

I do think it is acceptable that she doesn't attend, but perhaps she could phone your Sister in Law and say she doesn't feel able to attend due to the distance. Don't leave till the day and she doesn't turn up your Sister in law might feel slighted.

As you live so far away, why not find out whether there will be an on line service which you can watch as it happens at home via the internet. We have done this several times and it offered at most funerals

I wasn’t close to my brother as an adult and I didn’t attend his ppl said I should because he was my brother but like I said yes he was but he didn’t bother me alive so why would I would remember him in a thought at home. So no if you don’t want to go don’t feel guilty. You and your sister could light a candle and eat his favourite cake etc and remember your close times

Hi tanith,
First of all , many condolences .
This is purely up to your sister .
If the journey is too much for her - it's completely understandable .

However , a member of my family flatly refused to come to the funeral of an elderly member due to some offence taken .The whole thing is purely in her imagination and has caused me a lot of angst .
And I wonder if she has closure and will eventually regret her decision .
I think that she will .

I think it’s fine. I had a similiar thing with my brother who died last year. He felt out with his daughter and didn’t really bother with the rest of us. I went to the church service but not the after bit. Felt ok about it. I’m not 81 though and it was twenty minutes away for me.

It depends whether she would regret it for the rest of her life and feel sorry she didn’t go. She won’t get another chance. If she is ok with it, fair enough. No one likes funerals but when it is a close relative Amaybe she should go ?

I would hate to think that anyone had a stressful journey to come to my funeral. I would prefer they just thought about me on the day...with kind thoughts.....hopefully.

I have hated all the funerals I have been to so I really want the very very simplest for my own, but whatever my daughters want will be what it will be.

So I am with your sister and it's very much OK not to attend. I hope she will have a peaceful day at home and that her family will understand.

I'm sorry to hear this tanith

your sister is 81 and it is a big drive for her or her son, I personally think it is fine for her not to go. A lot of funeral directors will live stream funerals now if you request it as we all have family scattered everywhere these days

Perfectly fine. Nobody will come to mine as I'm having a direct cremation when the time comes. Funerals belong to the mourners and nobody should feel obliged to go.

Its often said that funerals are for the people who are left behind and not for the one who died. So you should do what you feel is right for you.

I was estranged from my mother for the last two years so I carefully arranged to be "abroad" for the funeral.

I have very little contact with the rest of my family so I dont give a stuff what they think.

Personally I have arranged one of those "no frills" cremations because I think they are a waste of money.

Hope it all goes well for you and the family. Yes, online streaming is most acceptable and is becoming much more common now. Sit near the front, so that your sister cam see you on the screen.

Winter White's comment is spot on. Only your sister can truly know,

It’s absolutely fine. Don’t stress yourself. If you make it clear you are representing your sister, as well as attending yourself, then nobody should have any objections.