Normal feeling?

I'm another one, 18 months into widowhood,
Nanny2507, I'm used to the tears that are only just below the surface. The grief sort of keeps my DH with me so I don't really want it to go away. I shan't be sorry when my end comes, but meanwhile there is pleasure and satisfaction in life, if no real joy.
Do you find it painful to go to places, to do things that you did with your DH? I have found fun and interest in doing new things, also picking up my volunteering again.
And have you got a garden? Like nearly everyone, I find it's a source of pleasure and comfort.
Go well.

Good to hear from you 1summer. I’m 18 months on and like you , building the best new life I can. I acknowledge I’d prefer my old life back but that can’t happen.
I have talked with a therapist which helped. Like 1summer I’m blessed with grandchildren. Their grief has been openly and regularly expressed . Their parents have been such a great support . So many blessings to count as we negotiate this little life changing, challenging bereavement

Best of luck to all of us

I am afraid I don’t have any answers but I have now been a widow for 20 months and it’s such a massive life changing challenging experience. Grief is such a complicated emotion, and I also really struggled wanting to feel normal again.
I have now excepted I will never feel the old normal again but it’s replaced with a normal that includes loneliness, fear and anxiety but I am trying to work through these. But I know I have a lot to live for especially my grandchildren.
Talking to others is the best thing you can do, you need to talk to your GP or Samaritans. I had some Sue Ryder counselling which although not brilliant at least I was talking.
Finding this forum has been good and I had some good support ( Thant’s Whiff and Iam64) in the early days.
I can also recommend a bereavement forum called way-up.co.uk, I used it quite a lot in the beginning the people on it are massively supportive and it was a good place to anonymously post you thoughts and feelings.
Best of luck

My husband died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 38. It took me 3 years before I could start to believe what had happened and to start to feel again. I had a young son and had to keep him safe but I felt completely numb. Light and joy does start to come back into your life but in my experience it takes time.. and I agree with you that other people don't really understand.. but maybe let them try? Perhaps start off with your GP..

You’re grief stricken. Be gentle with yourself. Your GP service will have a practitioner you could speak with

You sound confused about your feelings. You need to sit one-to-one with someone and talk it all out.

I think Whiff’s story and encouragement is wonderful. May we all learn from it. Whereas I think the constant refrain of going to the doctor might be a bit misplaced. All they can do in the ten minutes is offer you antidepressants and perhaps that’s what you need, but perhaps not. It is rare to have continuing care from a surgery nowadays so a bit pot luck. And the hour it will take to get an appointment in a month or so’s time, unless you insist you are an emergency, which is tough to do.
We have to be realistic and brave.
You might think of getting a pet. Was saved by my love for a dog which I didn’t imagine would happen. Be kind to yourself and your nearest and dearest, you all deserve it and don’t let them feel guilty. It’s bootlace time …lots of love

nanny such good advice from those who have posted here. Many who know how you feel. I too am sending you a big hug. I say a prayer every day for all who grieve the loss of a loved one. You have grandchildren who need you and another on the way. Your son needs you too. Please seek some help from the GP or Samaritans. x

nanny2507, you’ve been on my mind so I wanted to say hello, again. Your comment about wanting normal will resonate for many of us. I’m 18 months since my husband died. I’m building the best life I can but in truth, I’d have my old life back if only I could.
I remind myself how lucky we were to get even closer, happier together as our lives moved on. Tomorrow will be 43 years since we bought a house together 42 years since we married 💙t

whethertomorrow yes I just want my normal. I just want him back and I think my brain is just not accepting that it won't happen. My head says he's at work...then reality bites and it hurts again and again. I am also disabled but I use a scooter so I do get to go out with my dogs. ordinarygirl I am off to a swanky hotel on the south coast next week as it was his favourite place and hotel

why not write down how you feel? it does not have to be in long sentences but just write it down
eg anger, hate , guilt - want him back etc

if nothing else it will help you note what you want to say to the GP

i would also consider doing something - even just a walk to a shared place - to commemorate the love you had for your husband.

I’m sorry you feel you want to die. I have felt the same many times since my husband died 5 years ago. It took me a long time to realise that what I actually wanted was not to die but for everything to be normal again. Our normal will never be the same normal but a different one that becomes acceptable over time. Cut your life up into manageable chunks as small as you need to get by. Sometimes it’s just an hour at a time to start getting longer as days pass. I’m disabled and don’t leave the house so I’ve done lots of thinking on my own. My children all think I’m okay but they don’t see my tears. You will get through this but it’s early days yet. Give yourself time.

I've been thinking about you all day and I would just say you are not alone, we are here for you.
I would like to help by giving you some tools to work with. First, what helped me in your situation, books. I recommend Widow To Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg. You will find lots of books are out there to help a bit.
Second, pick up the phone more often.
Third, download an app to help with those pesky bedtimes like Medito which is free.
Fourth, write a list of every widow you can think of and follow your thoughts on who you want to learn from.
Sending hugs.

nanny2507 if you want to PM me I will help you in anyway I can. Or post here as there are understanding caring people here . You are not alone just a member of a club none of us wanted to join. But it's the price we pay for loving and finding the other half of ourselves. 💐

A year is not very long nanny2407 and anniversaries are particularly hard. I hope that you can take comfort from the good advice given here. It does help to engage with the outside world as and when you feel that you can. It doesn't have to be a support group- maybe you would be interested in a craft group/ book group/ volunteering/ painting class. Please be proud of the good years that you had and carry on from those to the next stage .

Nanny2507. My husband died 8 years ago. For the first 2 years I desperately wanted to join him and, like you, I felt ashamed because I hadn't. There was so much guilt especially not hugging his body one last time when the coroner's ambulance came to take him.

I didn't have any bereavement counselling for one reason or another and I couldn't share my thoughts with my only child. He was supportive but he has his own life to live. I don't have other family or close friends so I had nobody to talk to. For the first time in my life I realised how alone I was.

What I can tell you is that you are still in shock. You are trying to make sense of something that makes no sense whatsoever and never really will.

Shortly after my husband's sudden death I was speaking to a widower at a bus stop of all places. He had lost his wife 4 years previously and I asked him if it got better. He said it never went away but it did get better. I didn't believe him but I prayed to god he was right because I had never known such pain or been so lost, shell shocked and bewildered in my life.

Well the widower was right, it doesn't go away but it does get better. This I promise you. Now, please make an appointment with your GP and come back and talk to us. You really are not alone.

Thank you all for such lovely kind and beautiful words. And all the hugs. There is a little bit of me in all your replies.
whiff I understand your concern about talking with my son, he is autistic and is incredibly sensible as everything is black and white, I can talk to him about everything and if I cry he just rolls his eyes. He is so like his dad.
I have no plans to kill myself but I do worry about how long I can hold on with these feelings. I have 2 beautiful GDs and another GC on the way. And I so want to be there for them as I adore them.

There are sensible, warm, loving suggestions here. If I may I’ll add my voice to those advising a chat with a GP as soon as you can and to call Samaritans when you’re feeling bleak or just need to hear a voice. Grief isn’t the same for everyone, what’s right for one isn’t for another. There’s no foolproof recipe. Cherish and nurture the less difficult times, gradually they will grow. Come back and chat here if you’d like to. Always someone to care and listen. X

Put a kind bubble around yourself, know that you need to become a strong person again and that starts with kindness and try and turn negative into positive

We all grieve at different rates and in different ways but personally, I know it took an effort to step outside of myself. It helped me to know that my husband does not have to cope with that and I can take on that parent and grandparent role for the two of us

I’m with everyone else here. Firstly sending you huge hugs.

It’s early days and please don’t give up on life.

Wishing you so many good and positive wishes x

I can only echo what others have said above. Please get in touch with your GP as a first step as soon as they are open. Just talking in a safe, non-involved (as opposed to family who are also upset) environment is a start. You have made the first step by posting on here. That is excellent. Now take one more step and ask for professional help. By the way, there is no 'normal' after bereavement. Everyone is unique and their feelings are just that - their feelings, so don't look for normality. ASK FOR HELP. Please.

I’m so sorry you feel like this but angst and guilt are very common feelings after bereavement; guilt for things you think you should have done, and for things you left unsaid. It’s truly horrible. Try and focus on the things you did do and did say that helped him to know how much you loved him. That, and the strength of our long relationship, are what have kept me going for the last two years. Bereavement advice did not work for me, but my GP was incredibly kind when I needed her. You’ll find the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

Julia Samuels writes about grief and has podcasts and a fb page. Its of some help, possibly.

I would like to second the suggestion of contacting the Samaritans. They helped me through several bleak nights after my husband died. They can help to prop you up till you are able to talk to your GP, which I think you should do, because of the thoughts you are having about wishing your life would end.
Life without your other half is so hard ... everything about you is programmed to be part of that couple. But I am 4 years down with the lie and know that there will be good moments in amongst the sadness.
Find one thing to achieve each day, however small ... just having a shower maybe, or going in the garden. It does help.
Sending another hug from me ..... there are so many people here who know what you are going through.

Please follow the kind and good advice here and make an appointment with your GP. It’s just two years since my husband was given an unexpected devastating diagnosis. He died six months later. I thought I’d some experience of bereavement but this loss has been so much shocking and overwhelming.
You’re only one year into life without your husband. That is so recent and it sounds as though you’re blaming yourself, regretting things you didn’t do. That’s all part of grief but knowing it’s ‘normal’ doesn’t make it easier to bear. Easter is a reflective period of time, these big holidays can be tough for those of us learning to live our new, rather solitary lives.
Be kind to yourself. Weep when you find the tears coming. Also, organise some treats. This weather doesn’t help but yesterday was bright, sunny , dry if cold here. I got wrapped up and had a walk. Free entertainment and the fresh air and exercise helped.
🌻