My husband and I don't want a funeral when we die

The cost of a funeral can cost upwards of £5000 this is the reason for so many people electing for direct cremation.

I think it’s fairly obvious that organising or attending a funeral is source of comfort and celebration for some and a horror heaped upon horror for others.

I can’t say they have ever helped me personally, they were something I endured for the sake of others who wanted them.

Although I wouldn’t have used “drivel” to describe a funeral talk I am somewhat in agreement with jusnoneed about sitting in a funeral that doesn’t seem to fit the person and wondering what’s the point.

I know it doesn’t matter to the dead person but it did seem to negate them utterly, which seemed to me to be worse than no funeral.

I think funerals can be beautiful, a celebration of the life of the deceased and a way to honour them. I gave the eulogies for both my mum and dad and it felt like an outpouring of love.
I saw people I hadn’t met in years who loved my parents and wanted to say goodbye.
To just have sent them off to be cremated would have felt very sad. Each to his/her own I suppose.

jusnoneed

I don't know why you insist on calling a vicars chit chat about someone he obviously had no actual knowledge of as making a funeral a bad experience. I have never had what I would call a "bad experience" but have sat in a place listening to a load of drivel and wondering who on earth it was referring to. And other people afterwards saying much the same thing.
But if that's what you class as a bad experience to go through then so be it.
We have also had some funny moments at funerals, or am I wrong to say that too?

Words (almost) fail me.
Expressions like “a load of drivel” and “wondering who on earth it was referring to” or indeed “vicar’s chit chat” (presumably the same applies to Humanist celebrants ) sound pretty much like a negative description of funerals you have attended.
Yes, there will be some like that and have been in my experience BUT there have also been moving and even uplifting celebrations of a life - too many to mention- but including young family members who died far too young and where it might have been hard to be anything other than depressing , to elderly relatives in their late 80’s or 90’s with a long fulfilling life to share giving thanks for.
Of course in the wider scheme of things you and I will have been through worse experiences, I count losing my little boy as a baby and my DH a few years ago among these, but that is not at issue here.
What you describe may well apply to some funerals but all I am saying is that it does not warrant the blanket condemnation you have made.
Your experience is not mine. And I am not saying funerals are always and without exception a source of comfort to the bereaved - but they can be.

I don't know why you insist on calling a vicars chit chat about someone he obviously had no actual knowledge of as making a funeral a bad experience. I have never had what I would call a "bad experience" but have sat in a place listening to a load of drivel and wondering who on earth it was referring to. And other people afterwards saying much the same thing.
But if that's what you class as a bad experience to go through then so be it.
We have also had some funny moments at funerals, or am I wrong to say that too?

FWIW, I’m with you RosieandherMaw in your reading of jusnoneed’s comments.
I’m often surprised by the strength of negative feelings expresssed about funerals. I have been to too many, especially in recent years. Only one felt a bit cold and impersonal despite the celebrant doing a good job with what she had to work with.
Maybe I’ve been fortunate in having family and friends who give of themselves in memory of the loved one. My husband’s funeral was such an important part of the transition into a life he was no longer physically present in

I rarely go to them myself, and cannot stand listening to a vicar/celebrant talking about someone they probably didn't know. Have listened to a few readings over the years that would be classed as simply unbelievable

How funny, I would have said that constituted . exactly what I would describe as a bad experience of a funeral.

If people included the word “some” in their condemnation of funerals the opinion would have been much easier to understand.

I have said for many years now that I wanted a direct cremation with no service or attendees, I have always thought funerals are nothing but torture for those left behind.
My late husband used to say he wanted a funeral but then around 6 mths before he passed away he just said out of the blue that he would have the same as me. He knew how ill he was and I think was saying it to make things easier for me. He had a direct cremation but afterwards I still wonder if I was being selfish not to have a funeral service and think I probably was.

We recently discussed this with our family and we all agreed on direct cremations and a they will have a special get together for our ashes to be scattered and to remember us in their own way, with an online tribute page for friends and family to contribute to chosen charities.

"- don’t judge everything by your own bad experiences. It wasn’t all about you"

No bad experiences RosieandherMaw. Never said anything was universally applied, just my opinion (which you seem to object to me having) that there are a fair amount of hypocritical things at funerals.

I am not and never have been religious.

We had a funeral for my husband, The celebrant was actually very good and created a very good picture of his personality from the stories we told her. I don't think he would have been bothered about a funeral at all. He would have thought most of it was a great waste of money.

I went to friends funeral, which was a much bigger affair in a church, and that was very odd. I had known this friend since we were 11 and we had spent 4 years together at art school but I didn't recognise the person I was hearing about in the service.

I’ve already discussed this with my family. I have asked them to get together to have a memory day for me. Have a lovely meal and tell stories about me.

I’ve also taken one of my daughters to the place I’d like my ashes scattered, if possible.

It’s something that needs to be discussed with children as do financial arrangements etc.

This was leaving bodies to medical science.

Yes happened to my sil and another friend body was refused due to them having died of a particular disease???

I have absolutely no family of any sort and nobody I would classify as friends, I'm completely alone and am Atheist so once I toddle off to another dimension I couldn't give a hoot what anyone does with my body!

I rarely go to them myself, and cannot stand listening to a vicar/celebrant talking about someone they probably didn't know. Have listened to a few readings over the years that would be classed as simply unbelievable

On the other hand, a parish priest who was an old friend, a eulogy by another friend of many years, some amusing anecdotes of shared experiences to lift the spirits, seeing far flung family and friends who made the (not inconsiderable) effort to be with us as a family - don’t judge everything by your own bad experiences. It wasn’t all about you.
Anybody can “knock” something badly done but that doesn’t mean it applies universally.

Must say that although I’m not at all religious, I do love singing favourite old hymns, so I’m always a bit disappointed if there are none at any funeral I attend.

As per my pp, what I would not want at my funeral is the sort of ghastly ‘celebrant’ we had to sit through at a lovely neighbour’s funeral not long ago. I’m sure she was turning in her coffin!

No funeral etc for me, have told those who need to know.
I rarely go to them myself, and cannot stand listening to a vicar/celebrant talking about someone they probably didn't know. Have listened to a few readings over the years that would be classed as simply unbelievable.
And then there are the people who never bothered with the deceased person when they were alive but turn up at the funeral, my OH is guilty of that one!
It does seem to be happening more and more now, I know half a dozen or so in the last 18 months who have not had any ceremony.

“This” not “his “

I agree with his too.
I believe these “rites” have evolved from a deep emotional and psychological need and those who have suffered the loss of someone they love will know what I mean.
The “rituals” are not a straitjacket, but rather can provide a framework helping to support you when you may be floundering.
However, to each their own.
OP makes her point, and that’s fine for her, it would not have been for me and planning DH’s funeral to be the best we could make it and burying him in our peaceful village churchyard among friends and neighbours of old was and is a source of ongoing comfort to me.

Franski

Rites of passage are good for us as human beings, families and inter genera tional communities. Every non-Western culture (as well as religion) observes such rituals- they provide structure and focus and belonging to our life events- births, marriages, deaths, seasons, and everything in between.... its just secular individualism that decides not to care. Our young people need us to provide signposts on how to live a life of meaning.

Exactly so Franski

We will have direct cremations. Our only close relations are our sons and none of us are religious. My wider family and parents had large church funerals and wakes attended by people who had shown no interest in supporting or contacting them when they were alive. In particular two of my cousins came from Canada for her funeral, she would have been so happy to have seen them and spent some time together a couple of years earlier instead of that pointless gesture.

I too am leaving it up to those I leave behind. Whatever gives them peace of mind.
If it's up to me then I agree with the OP, direct cremation and spend the money on a celebration rather than a service.

🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦 I put hymens not hymns. Two totally different things . Sorry if I offended anyone. But those that know me I do sometimes write the wrong word. In my mind it's correct but what I type is something totally different but it doesn't register when I preview it. Or at times my finger will press post then find out I have written nonsense🤷🤷🤷🤦

Shinamae

M0nica

It is of no interest to me what happens to me after I die. I will not be around to know whay happens.

However, I have children and grandchildren whom I love dearly and I believe love me too, and therefore when i die I wish them to make the decisions about how my obsequies should be conducted so that they can tailor them to suit the form that brings them most peace and consolation.

Surely the ultimate selfishness is to deprive those who, hopefully, love you best, from being able to part from you after death in the manner that will most assuage their grief.

I take issue with your last paragraph. I have discussed my wishes with my children and we are all in agreement…

Me too. And I agree about the Funeral business putting huge pressure on families to spend far too much, and use rare commodities like exotic woods with toxic varnishes, precious metals and silks, etc, which is an ecological disaster.

We have discussed our wishes with our children and we all agree. Simple coffin out of local spruce without varnish, cotton lining, small wooden handles, and local burial where we still have space. Cremation is not ecological and takes huge amounts of energy. Funerals are for the living if the deceased has not made clear requests beforehand. If they have, not going with their request would be the ultimate form of disrespect.