What to do when you find out your beloved newly deceased husband gad been.visiting escorts and visiting adult chat sites

Its a shame this came to light as you had enough to cope with as it was ie bereavement. I know a few people who are leading 'secret' lives which I know will only cause pain when it is revealed. I think it is true and you need to focus on the good parts of your husband and marriage, was he a good provider, a good father, a good husband, did you have good holidays? it might help to write a letter to him as if you were sending to him and put all the hurt down then burn the letter

I hope it doesn’t get deleted . I have also suffered a recent bereavement and it took me a while to respond to a question I had asked ( in the AIBU) forum regarding my dads ashes. This was not due to anything other than needing time to read all the responses and process my own thoughts and reply . Please don’t judge people too harshly when they are going through troubled times .

All I can say Doth is best wishes for the future. Xxxx.
Please don't take it personally!
Men are very problematic creatures, particularly where sex is concerned.
Love & sex are often put into distinct little pigeonholes by ruddy Men.
It's does not mean that he loved you less, by doing what he did. Men!!!😶

The OP may have returned but not commented, it's not a rule that there has to be a response. It's an interesting thread, may help others.

Old Thread. Doth07 posted but never returned, even after posters related their most intimate stories on the internet.

Perhaps it should be deleted.

AuntieE

I realised after my husband died that he had been watching porn on the Internet during the last very hard two months of his life, when he no longer was able to sleep with me.

I would have been content just to lie and hold him, but he needed something more to distract his thoughts, not so much from the fear of death, but the fear of what he might have to go through before death came.

At first, I reacted much as you had done, but after thinking about it, I made myself accept that just as he watched films I found too tough, so he had apparently also needed porn.

I would not have been so sanguine about escorts - that I will admit.

How you move on from here depends, I feel, very much on how your marriage was. I have no wish to pry, but if you can look back on more good times than bad, as I hope you can, then try to let this go.

It also depends on what your husband died of, as many illnesses can alter the patient's personality to a great extent, , which may be a reason for this, if it was only in the last months of your husband's life these things occurred.

How you found out may, too, have a bearing on how you get over the discovery. I was deleting the contents of my husband's laptop when I noticed the porn sites amongst the "bookmarks". If you found out this way, or when checking bank statements then there is no room for doubt. If some "friend" told you this, then that is a very different thing. It might be pure spite, or a misplaced attempt at consoling you for your loss.

One lady actually asked me, a month after my husband's death, if I did not find myself better off money-wise "now that your husband is no longer buying tobacco, medicines and books all the time" I was so flabbergasted that I did not reply, although I did point out that the person who "bought books all the time" in my household was, and always had been, me not my husband.

I do not know if any of this helps, but I hope it may do so.

Grieving is a process - how long and hard differs from person to person. However, a new kind of "normal" life does come into being, even if it is a long time coming.

Very kind measured response, AuntieE.

I hope your words are a help to Doth07.

I realised after my husband died that he had been watching porn on the Internet during the last very hard two months of his life, when he no longer was able to sleep with me.

I would have been content just to lie and hold him, but he needed something more to distract his thoughts, not so much from the fear of death, but the fear of what he might have to go through before death came.

At first, I reacted much as you had done, but after thinking about it, I made myself accept that just as he watched films I found too tough, so he had apparently also needed porn.

I would not have been so sanguine about escorts - that I will admit.

How you move on from here depends, I feel, very much on how your marriage was. I have no wish to pry, but if you can look back on more good times than bad, as I hope you can, then try to let this go.

It also depends on what your husband died of, as many illnesses can alter the patient's personality to a great extent, , which may be a reason for this, if it was only in the last months of your husband's life these things occurred.

How you found out may, too, have a bearing on how you get over the discovery. I was deleting the contents of my husband's laptop when I noticed the porn sites amongst the "bookmarks". If you found out this way, or when checking bank statements then there is no room for doubt. If some "friend" told you this, then that is a very different thing. It might be pure spite, or a misplaced attempt at consoling you for your loss.

One lady actually asked me, a month after my husband's death, if I did not find myself better off money-wise "now that your husband is no longer buying tobacco, medicines and books all the time" I was so flabbergasted that I did not reply, although I did point out that the person who "bought books all the time" in my household was, and always had been, me not my husband.

I do not know if any of this helps, but I hope it may do so.

Grieving is a process - how long and hard differs from person to person. However, a new kind of "normal" life does come into being, even if it is a long time coming.

How on earth did you find out that shocking revelation. And are you sure it is true

This is an old thread and the OP never came back after starting it.

I am sorry you are going through this I cannot give any advice myself, but there are some good vlogs on You Tube about bereavement in general which I have found helpful. There is one particular one that covers your particular situation. Best Wishes to you

I’m sorry for your loss and my husband had an affair so I’m guessing you probably felt similar about it betrayed anger and hurt and porn on internet unfortunately a lot of men do it. If he’s been visiting escorts you need to get yourself checked out incase they have passed something onto you. Grief counselling will also help or go stand in a large open field and scream that what my dr told me to do

Iam64

Sexual attraction to children isn’t a lapse, it’s sexual attraction to children. Some adults don’t act on their fantasies because they recognise it’s just wrong. Others dont restrain themselves

Yes perhaps lapse was an unfortunate use of words. It is a huge shock to discover your seemingly decent doctor whose family you have known for years has a dark side. Presumably he kept his “attraction” under control until computers came into prominence and he found porn sites. Dd had seen him at surgery when she was younger and, of course, I was with her and all was ‘above board’ but she says it has given her a bad taste.

Sexual attraction to children isn’t a lapse, it’s sexual attraction to children. Some adults don’t act on their fantasies because they recognise it’s just wrong. Others dont restrain themselves

Iam64

25Avalon - the research suggests sexual attraction to children isn’t something that just happened in later life.

Indeed Iam64. Men don't just suddenly become paedophiles. I'm not sure Avalon fully understands the implications when she uses words such as "lapse".

Katie590

Iam64

Mumsnet have simple advice - RTFT

But that would violate his human rights.

I think we are reading RTFT differently katie590

Although this poster may not be genuine this does seem to be a not uncommon problem. I know of two marriages that have ended because of this.

Iam64

Mumsnet have simple advice - RTFT

But that would violate his human rights.

Germanshepherdsmum

Why do we bother to urge caution?

Because, as in real life there are people who only like to talk but never listen.
Or in the case of social media threads - read!

25Avalon - the research suggests sexual attraction to children isn’t something that just happened in later life.

Some men do get stupid infatuations as they get older having led a decent life up until then. A few years back my GP was jailed and struck off after pornographic images of children were discovered on his computer. A big shock for us all and the thought of having been examined by him was sickening. Until his lapse he had however been a very good GP. Then he fell into this obsession. His wife stood by him. It doesn’t mean the whole of your married life to this man was a lie, just the past few years. A shock nonetheless but don’t let it spoil everything.

Mumsnet have simple advice - RTFT

Why do we bother to urge caution?

my heart goes out to you doth07, i know just how you must be feeling.

about fifteen years ago, i discovered that my husband of 30+ years had been visiting what i will call "adult" sites. He had left the shared laptop open at one of them and when I checked history, I could see there were more.
i was completely devastated, and when i confronted him, i was told it was my fault because for some time, (due to my having an undiagnosable vaginal problem) i found sex excruciatingly painful so our sex life had been going through a dodgy patch .
i didn't know what to do, and i nearly left him there and then.
i tried to explain how it made me feel but he didn't/couldn't or wouldn't try to understand and thought i was being unreasonable, he wouldn't discuss it (and hasn't to this day) and just behaved as if it had not happened.
this was just a few weeks after we found out that a friends' daughter, 23, had left her husband of 18 months for just this reason.

i felt utterly betrayed, unwanted, unloved, what little self confidence i had was knocked sideways and to this day i have very little self worth.
we are still together but i feel no warmth in our relationship and we have had no intimacy since that day. i cannot even undress in front of him because it is always in my mind.
i don't feel love for him now, it's just companionship.
i have never spoken to anyone about this, so apologies to all on gransnet for unburdening myself on here

Yes.

Germanshepherdsmum

BlueBelle

I think I will suggest posters are cautious about talking about their experiences on this quite powerful subject as this is a new poster who hasn’t come back to add subtract or clarify ???

Absolutely right BlueBelle. I am always suspicious of new posters who chuck a brick in the puddle and never return.

👍🏻