What to do when you find out your beloved newly deceased husband gad been.visiting escorts and visiting adult chat sites

I have no advice, but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're facing this.

Lots of men , happily married and not so much visit adult chat sites.
Escorts, hmm that's a whole different story.
Nothing you can do at this late stage about it.If you’ve had a good marriage then accept it while wishing he hadn’t felt he needed it.

This is incredible hard as you can now have no answers and likewise he can’t defend himself or even offer an explanation if one is possible
Are you absolutely sure you have the right information or is there any way someone is stirring
If your marriage was good and he was a caring attentive man is that enough ? can this information completely devoid your time together ? I suppose the answer is yes it’s killed it and made a lie out of everything
I really think some counselling is necessary for you now to get it all out and perhaps see it from different angles
I hope you can find some peace and some answers

BlueBelle

This is incredible hard as you can now have no answers and likewise he can’t defend himself or even offer an explanation if one is possible
Are you absolutely sure you have the right information or is there any way someone is stirring
If your marriage was good and he was a caring attentive man is that enough ? can this information completely devoid your time together ? I suppose the answer is yes it’s killed it and made a lie out of everything
I really think some counselling is necessary for you now to get it all out and perhaps see it from different angles
I hope you can find some peace and some answers

Lovely empathic response, BlueBell, expressing my reaction.....but I couldn't find the words....... I hope you find some peace, Doth07.

How did you find out? If it was through a mutual friend, then, it’s a double betrayal. He/she should have let you know earlier, while he was alive, so that you could have had counselling etc or even divorce him , and have closure.
So sorry you are going through this.

I’m just so sorry you’re having to go through this.

I’m so sorry, Doth07. 💐
A friend of mine went through something similar - found out after he died that her husband had had a long standing relationship with someone else, and had gone away with her while my friend was making short visits to her own country - largely to see her very elderly father.

She was devastated for quite a while, but a few years on has largely got over the shock and hurt, and is enjoying life again.

How did you find out ?

So very sorry you’ve found this out I just hope and pray you can forgive and carry on as best you can

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Some things are better kept unsaid.
I also wonder by what cruel means you heard this?

I'm sure that finding later that your partner led a double life is not so rare. Just consider the Royal Family or World Leaders.

Some counselling for your bereavement sounds like a good idea.

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Well I for one wouldn’t consider it usual especially if he’s visiting escorts! Are you serious? You consider that better than an affair? It’s equally shameful in my opinion.
You must be devastated, do you have friends who you can talk to?

I would go and question your ‘source’ of this information, if you have found the details on the credit Cards then that’s it, if it was a ‘friend’ then do some research of your own to check it and ask how long this went on for, was it just once?

However, I’m sure that your husband loved you dearly and in time you will just remember the good times, none of us are perfect.

RosesandLilac

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Well I for one wouldn’t consider it usual especially if he’s visiting escorts! Are you serious? You consider that better than an affair? It’s equally shameful in my opinion.
You must be devastated, do you have friends who you can talk to?

I agree Roses. I would feel betrayed.

I am very sorry.
I am assuming you discovered this via his computer or bank records.

All you can do is bury this because it is now impossible for you to get answers to the obvious question: why?

I don’t see visitin escorts and being on adult chat sights as ‘nothing unusual about that “. It would be very unusual amongst my family and friends, it would be a betrayal.

The loss of your much loved husband is such a difficult time and finding this shocking news must add to your feelings of loss and pain. BlueBelle’s advice to find a therapist is good

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Curtaintwitcher. You do know that escorts are prostitutes don"t you? Are you married? Did or does your husband visit prostitutes? If so, then I guess it is nothing unusual in your world but I'm rather surprised that you think it's the norm in most marriages. The OP should get herself checked for sexually transmitted diseases and I strongly urge you to do the same if your husband has used sex workers.

Sorry you discovered that it’s really upsetting to find out he was not the loyal man you thought.

There are a lot of “escorts” discretely working in all large towns and married men are a large part of their customers, men have affairs and flings at work are quite common these days, few of us can be totally sure of our partner.

What would you have done if you found out before he died?

It’s a massive shock but if it were me I would just focus on the fact that he wasn’t the man you thought he was and move on with your own life as fast as you can. I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself, you don’t know what’s round the corner. 😉

I am very sorry for your loss Doth. Every person has their good and bad points. We are all flawed. Hopefully in time you will be able to have a balanced view of your husband acknowledging both his good points and his bad ones. I think seeing a counsellor may help - someone removed from the situation who after a series of appointments you will never see again. Only confide in friends if you can really trust them. Take care.

Doth This has been an enormous shock for you at a time when you're grieving and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry, and can empathise just a little because I discovered a major secret about my father after he died which I then desperately kept from my Mum.

I would be very wary about confiding in friends and family but instead see a counsellor where you can pour out all your thoughts and pain and feelings and know that it will stay behind closed doors, and you need never see that counsellor again.

I wish you all the very best. You have to put yourself first now.

I am sorry you feel so disappointed Doth. Would you rather he had told you all about it while it was going on? I know I would because then I'd have been free to decide for myself what to do about it , if anything.

I suppose the temptations overcame him. I hope he did not waste too much money.

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Much the same thing in my opinion.

Both bad behaviour.
Both betrayal.

Maybe he did it very discretely because he loved you Doth, but he felt he needed an outlet. He didn't have an emotional affair by the sounds of it.. I would concentrate on remembering the good times you had together and maybe only discuss this with a professional person, not friends and family.. It's a shock but he did stay with you..