Reaching the age at which a sibling died

Cambsnan

I read a piece in the Times today about someone finding this hard. I too felt this but have never heard it discussed. My sister who was 4 years older than me, passed away 6 years ago so I am now 2 years older than she was when she passed. For 65 years I had an older sister, she was part of my earliest memories, I knew her longer than anyone else in my life. I was not prepared for the new feeling of loss when I passed her in age. How do others feel.

My younger sister who ws 2 years younger than myself died when she was 47 years of age of Cancer.

We went to school together, played out together, went dancing and on holidays together, worked at the same company together, we were joined at the hip, we even went on double dates. Then one night in 1964 I met my husband to be and she met her husband to be. She was my bridesmaid but unfortunately I was not hers as I was giving birth on the day she married. My husband was giving my sister away as our dad had died and he washing dashing back and forth from the church and reception to the maternity hospital.

All the bridal group came to the maternity hospital in their wedding finery.

It will be 31 years since she died and I still miss her. My brother in law never married again or met anyone else and he died 9 years ago, the year after my husband.

I am now the only living person from my past family and at 82 years of age am not afraid of dying as I know I will see them all again some time in the future.

A lovely, thoughtful post from you madeleine45. Generous of you to take the time to guide others through the pain of loss.

My granddaughter recently reached the age when her father died. This was quite difficult for her. Now she wants to make the most of her life when he didn't get that opportunity.

I’m the eldest in the family, close relatives have all lived well into their 80s, cancer has not been an issue for us. The goal I have is to live longer than dad, 85 yrs fully competent, had a heart attack and gone.

Is that a good goal to have!.

Nothing or nobody can prepare us for huge loss I think.

I am the eldest in my family and was quite bright. My parents never praised me for anything. On the contrary, if I did anything wrong it was "someone of your intelligence should know better" . I always felt that they expected more of me always, and I was expected to keep my younger sister safe etc. But my wonderful Granny was the greatest person in my life, who gave me unconditional love, and allowed me to know that she loved me whatever I did or did not. My father got promotion and we moved away from her and I was only able to cope because it was agreed that when I finished school I could go to live with her. She was killed in a car crash when I was 16. I miss her still and am now in my 70's. But over time some things change. Firstly she has been my talisman over all these years. If ever I have been asked or been tempted to do something that was not illegal but perhaps something dodgy or not very kind to others, I would always think , "what would my granny think of this " I am sure she has saved me from many poor decisions. I would measure new boyfriends against what she would have thought of them. At her funeral so many people we had never met before came up to our family and said things like " you wont know me, but when my husband had an accident and we were quite desperate your granny used to leave us some eggs or a pie on the doorstep as she went by and we only found out from someone else who had helped us etc" So I still measure up my life by her example and was comforted to know that to so many people she was the lovely and kind person she was. My very oldest friend had a lovely dad, who I knew, and she knew my granny. That is another bond between us that we dont have to mention , but we do know that we are probably the only people alive who remember them so well. Trying to ignore or pretend that we are not sad and overwhelmed by grief does not work in my view. I also personally dont care for the way people now say Oh my ... passed or passed away. I prefer to be very yorkshire and say that she died. Partly because that is the exact thing that has happened, but also Passing away sounds as though she has left me and I have no contact with her. Well she has been my comfort and love and great example in life and so she has never left me and is here with me every day. I think of grief like a scab or mark on your heart. It hurts less as time goes by, but the mark never leaves ou. Sometimes it hurts more on special days, and at other times you just see the mark, which will never go away, but you would not want it to disappear as it is the visible (to you) sign that they have been in your life and the only way you would not feel this grief is if they had never existed, which is not what you would wish. We have a saying in our family and it is "Take what you want - and pay for it" So the depth of our grief is hard to bear but it also reminds us how much we loved and how we were loved by this special person. Every tear and every lonely and awful day has been a hard price to pay but I would give my love to her over again even knowing how hard it would be. Dont let other people tell you you should be getting over it or such things, accept that there are certain days that are just very hard to get through. I found that I would gird up my loins to cope with her birthday or the day she died, but would be devastated by some unexpected moment or finding a letter unexpectedly or whatever. Going out for a walk is a good idea to me. Then there are the parallel things I would suggest. On the one hand is there anything that you really enjoyed doing or have thought of doing that you never did with this person? So it is not a reminder of them and your loss, and it could be an opportunity to make new friends and try something just for yourself which allows you to have a few hours when the pain is put to the back of your mind for a while. At the same time is there somewhere special to you both, that you can choose to visit and accept the pain? My very special place with my husband is at the top of Swaledale, I go there whenever I am in a deep depression or worried about somethig or just missing him very much. It will always be special to me for many reasons. The pain of being there without him, which forces you to acknowledge that he is dead and will never be there again in person, eventually gets less, but never totally goes, but facing that pain has now allowed it to return to being the most comforting and lovely place in the world for me. I have more and more difficulty in walking as my back causes me much pain, but always manage to have a short walk there, take my binoculars and look at the birds, and the wonderful meadows and the best feeling of all is that I always feel that I am like a speck of soil, but I belong there and am a very small part of that place as he is . It puts all life in perspective for me and whatever dreadful thing is going on in the world the beauty of nature, the sound of the birds and the wind are the best medicine I can have and it is always there if I reach out to accept it. I hope you find a special place where you can go to give ou peace. You do not need to go out, it could be the corner chair looking at your shared garden. No one needs to know about it , it can be our private place to sit and be close to him. Try not to try. You can start to worry that you cant remember his face or his voice and it can be rather panicky if that happens at some point. Dont TRY to get them back. Just take a few deep breaths, and concentrate on those and relaxing and then without trying it will all come back to you. Wishing you a good journey to a better place, but I truly can say that however bad one day is you will one day be able to think and do many things that you are finding so hard at the moment. You are joining in the same journey that many of us have already taken so you will find many kind people who will be happy to help you along the way. All the best to you and I shall think of you and hope that things improve .

I am one of three children and when my sister died I described my surviving sister and I feeling like a three legged stool that had lost a leg.

My 17 year old DGD, born 15 years after my sister died, has a real look of her and has inherited some of her skills and personality, and I wish so much they could have known each other.

TwiceAsNice we must be related! Eight years ago I passed my dad's age of 63, but my mum just got into her 90s

One of my sisters who was two years younger than me died nine years ago very suddenly aged 69.
Two yers ago almost died of the same condition which caused her death.I realise I was very lucky but still feel awful that I survived when she had to die, as help had reached her too late to save her life.

Neither of my siblings have died but I am currently the same age as my Dad was when he had his third and final heart attack...... It does feel a bit Eeep! sometimes.....

My daughter died aged 23,my grandaughter was 4,my grandaughter is now 25,two years older than her mum.

I lost my second child at age 4. As my third child approached that birthday I was terrified she would die of the same thing (Leukaemia) Only when she reached her fifth birthday did I begin to believe she wouldn’t die.

My younger brother has died before me but we never saw each other for several years before (his choice, I really tried) but I have felt bad about several close friends dying who were very near to me in age at the time, I think it brings home your mortality!

My dad was only 64 when he died (I am nearly 71) but my grandmother and mother lived into their eighties so I’m hopeful I will too and have more time with my daughters and grandaughters

I am fast approaching the age when both my mother and my brother died aged 69. I grieved for my brother’s family but I knew him the longest and as someone has said, it’s like losing a limb.

my mother went to bed and didn't wake up in the morning age 69 a sudden unexpected death. I have well passed that age but was worried going to bed each night for a while. silly I know

Oh yes, I can identify with that feeling of being older than my ‘big sister’.

I was the youngest of three sisters who were 11 years and 4 years older than me.

Our middle sister died in 2006 aged 54, then my eldest sister died in 2016 (a year after losing my DH) aged 71.

We were so close and I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing them or needing to talk to them. They also have grandchildren they didn’t live to know, it’s so sad.

I remember being in a card shop and falling apart when I saw ‘sister’ cards and realised it was the first time in memory that I didn’t have a sister to buy for any longer.

I can only imagine the pain of losing a child, I daren’t even go there, but I was not prepared at all to be the last sibling standing.💔

My sister died 33 years ago. She was 45, I was 47'.

I was very conscious of my children reaching and passing that age and I am also very conscious of the proportion of my life I have lived with out her.

I have now lived over 40% of my life to date without her and I if live to 92, and my father did, as did several of his siblings - and I am in good health, then i will have lived half my life without her. I still have a younger sister, and we aare close, but she is 7 years my junior and the circumstances of our childhoods meant that my deceased DS and I were just the two of us together for a lot of the time.

I have lost two siblings, and miss them everyday regardless of how old they were or I am. I am also now almost as old as my dad was when he went.
Losing a sibling is like losing a limb- there is always a part of you that is missing.

My SIL has lost 2 children - one as a baby and one in middle age. She has also lost 4 brothers, none very old.
It seems such a huge amount of loss that I can't imagine how she copes.

Next week I will reach the age my eldest brother was when he died, 72, and it has been on my mind.

I'm the youngest of 5 and all three of my brothers have died, the youngest just 26 and the middle one in his 60s.

My lovely sister was 80 this year and is plodding on despite ill health.

I can't imagine what it will be like if I'm the last one left.

My sister died eight years ago just five months after her 70th birthday. She was two years older than me. Our mum died at 72 so at 75 I have outlived them both. My sister had five grandchildren. Two of them live near me and one was just a baby, I feel very sad that she has no memories of her grandmother. And I miss her dearly, she lived about an hour’s drive from me and we used to get together every few weeks and never ran out of things to say!

My sibling died 12 years ago, he was the older by a couple of years, I did dwell on it a lot as I approached the age he was then. My husband, like any parent who has lost a child, counts every birthday with the deep sadness and the renewed sense of loss for a life cut short.

My brother died 21 years ago at the age of 49. I still think of him and weep often at the unfairness of life,he was a good man,I was the black sheep I felt at the time and even sometimes now that it should’ve been Me that died and not him..

Sadly I’ve already lost 3 siblings 2 sisters who were a lot older and recently my younger brother. I have one older sister left and we often talk about no longer having older sisters, she is in her 80s and I dread her dying and then being the only one of 5 left alive and no one to share all our family memories with.

My son died six years ago. He was three years older than his sister. On her recent birthday she became three years older than her beloved brother. I always thought they would have each other when I am no longer here.
In the past couple of years my twin brothers have both died. They were six years younger than me. Losing them is very sad, but nothing compares with the pain of my son's death. As a family we do all we can to give support to my son's only child, who was a teenager at the time of his death.

I certainly know how you feel OP. My sister was 6 years older than me, and died aged 30. I remember how I felt when I reached that age and realised that I had ‘caught her up’ and lived longer than her. I also struggled when my own children reached 30. Strangely enough, the hardest time was when she should have been 60. My husband was born in the same year and as we celebrated with a party, it broke my heart that she wasn’t there celebrating her birthday. It’s so lovely of you to recognise your daughter’s loss merlorgran I think the loss of a sibling can go unnoticed, and like your daughter I never mentioned my feelings to my mum for the fear of hurting her.