I am cheating on my dead husband

You are not cheating on your deceased husband but put your children first. You are saying you hardly have time for your kids they need their mum, it’s great you have found love again I cannot ever want to imagine losing my DH and you are still young but to hear you hardly have time for your kids is heartbreaking

OP has never returned and post is three months old..

Nomiwilliam. You are not cheating at all. You are still abiding to that sacred vow `to have and to hold until death us do part`

Your life has now taken a different direction, be at peace with yourself. Take a bowl of petals and let them blow away in the breeze and tell your husband that he can go. You will have released his soul

This is an old post.

This website is for grandparents. Try Mumsnet.

Pull yourself together girl, and stop being so self indulgent and the heroine in your own soap opera. Start thinking about your children first and putting their welfare, first, last and everything in between. Do that and you will discover that marriage is until death do you part, which it has, but your children are part of you forever and give them the childhood they deserve. If you find someone else to start a new household and marriage with, great, but remember children come firat, well ahead of any new partner.

I think David49 is lacking in “emotional intelligence” and only sees the practical side of “love”, in which case he doesn’t see anything wrong in finding a new partner so soon?

Absolutely not cheating on your dead husband but sounds like you probably could do with some bereavement counselling if you are of that mindset- you are only a young woman after all, be happy

Naomiwilliam - you will never 'get over' your husband or 'move on' but you can move forward over time. Another love is a great gift and, as long as you are sure of your feelings and your children are fine, I do not see a problem. Discard the guilt and embrace the joy. It can be so very hard being alone.

David49 ignore the unkind comments on this thread. You would have started grieving after her diagnosis and you were clearly a loving and caring husband. There is nothing wrong with loving again and I am sure that your wife would be pleased. As Hercule Poirot and my late father both said 'Life is for the living'. You owe it to those you have lost to make the most of it.

I have met someone four years after my late husband's diagnosis (he died in late 2020) and this is no way detracts from the very great love I shared with my husband. In fact my partner is very supportive towards me and very happy for me to talk about him.

Everyone grieves differently and at a different pace and there is no right or wrong, only what's right for you.

Coping with the loss, personally I never found caring a burden, you marry for better or worse, so you love and care for each other whatever may come. Friends and family rally round for a couple of weeks after the loss, then it goes very quiet and you’re left with thoughts and memories. In my case a friend picked me up to see a rugby match, there were lots of others I knew there, a couple of beers and the socializing had restarted.

After a long marriage life feels very empty, however much you try to fill it, when you are caring you sacrifice socializing. There are always a lot of wives, girlfriends and other women around the rugby club, everything grew from there.

David49

Bounce back?, I lost my wife 5 yrs ago and after 3 months I began socializing again and quickly found a suitable partner, that did raise a few eyebrows, also I have 3 daughters, family is important to me I made very sure my new partner was compatible with them.

A woman would likely be more emotionally attached to a lost husband and most take longer to move on, if they ever do. Men if they often find a new partner quickly, although there are many older men don’t take a new partner. The dating sites bear this out probably 3 times as many women than men

Goodness me, that’s only 12 weeks. Personally, I couldn’t do that, but as others say, each to their own.
Actually, not all men cope as well with the loss of their wife as you appear to have done, and don’t find someone else within 12 weeks - in fact some never do (perhaps don’t want to). A friend of ours never got over the loss of his wife and survived only a few more years after her sudden death, having never really come to terms with living a life without her.

It's often said that men who have been happily married will want to find a new partner fairly quickly.

David said he nursed his wife for 5 years. Surely that means that he began to lose her 5 years before? He deserves the happiness that he now has.

5 years is a long time to nurse someone David and your relationship with your wife would have been very different from the years before that. Good on you for looking after her. I can understand after all those 5 years you yearned for a more sociable life and your dd would understand that too. Everyone’s circumstances are different. Glad you’ve found happiness and your new wife too.

You really are a miserable lot aren’t you no wonder the world is so negative, your lives must be so bad that you just can’t comprehend a successful relationship.

Suitable - similar values, likes and dislikes, no dependant children, call that 19th century if you like, there was no way I was going to get involved with anyone who was a gold digger or trouble maker, I’ve seen too many men trapped that way. The uncertainty was how the family(s) and friends would react, the only reaction was “you two didn’t waste any time” and after 3 yrs we married.

So the only snide comments weve had is on this thread !

It's not morally wrong, though.

Not for everyone, and surprisingly quick, but a person's own choice.

THREE MONTHS !!

Good god David - the paperwork is barely sorted out after 3 months.
Have you no morals

It’s True

Men very often move on after a short while, it’s isn’t about not loving, of course I loved her we were married 47yrs, I nursed her for 5 yrs before the end and I still put flowers on her grave every month. My wife has a very close extended family, they know I did my best for her and have accepted my new wife completely they all came to the wedding and parties since.

My eldest daughter was first to know about my new relationship, we had dinner together and they got on well together. Daughter is a straight talker, next day I asked her what she thought “ she’s nice” “I thought you would find someone else”. If the response had been negative I would not have continued because I value my family above a partner, there was no way that I was going to remarry to someone that was at war with my family, I hear plenty of that strife on GN.

5 yrs on were married I have an extra family in the circle and they are all lovely. My new wife is not a replacement, her personality is entirely different, it opens a new chapter for both of us, family and friends are entirely happy. The only person that isn’t is her ex husband who was a fool to treat her badly.

David have you felt no grief for your wife ? If your daughter's turn round and don't want anything to do with you . It's your own fault .

Have you no feelings for how you children feel . I can only say you couldn't have loved your wife much.

3 months you found some one else . I really hope this is a wind up and not true if it's true words fail me .

Well actually words don't fail me but don't think you would like to know what I think of you.

David49.^ ‘suitable partner’^
Sorry to say but sounds very 19th century, a replacement.

Blimey David that sounds like a conveyor belt
Next please
Not very healthy for the new partner either, you sound as if you were on a mission your poor daughters seeing their mum replaced after a matter of weeks

‘Quickly found a suitable partner’. That sounds very calculated David49.
Each to their own, I suppose.

Csf - well said

David49

Bounce back?, I lost my wife 5 yrs ago and after 3 months I began socializing again and quickly found a suitable partner, that did raise a few eyebrows, also I have 3 daughters, family is important to me I made very sure my new partner was compatible with them.

A woman would likely be more emotionally attached to a lost husband and most take longer to move on, if they ever do. Men if they often find a new partner quickly, although there are many older men don’t take a new partner. The dating sites bear this out probably 3 times as many women than men

After 3 months?! Wow!! I know I a woman, not male like you, but that is very quick. My husband died 4 years ago and I loved him so much that even after all this time, there is no way I would want anyone else. I am sure I never will.
I tried to understand your reasoning about men and women being different but just can’t see it.
I’m not saying it’s wrong (each to his own). I just don’t know how you could possibly entertain the idea of another woman after just three months. I wonder how your late wife would feel if she knew.
Did you really love her??

Y'all
Really !

Bounce back?, I lost my wife 5 yrs ago and after 3 months I began socializing again and quickly found a suitable partner, that did raise a few eyebrows, also I have 3 daughters, family is important to me I made very sure my new partner was compatible with them.

A woman would likely be more emotionally attached to a lost husband and most take longer to move on, if they ever do. Men if they often find a new partner quickly, although there are many older men don’t take a new partner. The dating sites bear this out probably 3 times as many women than men