Missing someone

Su22

MissA sending you a big hug,

They say it gets easier with time but I am still waiting it's 3 years next month since I lost my husband and not a day goes by when he is not in my thoughts.

So sorry, MissA.
My fabulous husband died over four years ago and, although I have a full life and family who love me and live nearby, I still feel as though my life will never mean as much as it did when he was alive. They broke the mould when they made him. As a bonus, when we met in 1962 he was tall, dark and very handsome. People said he looked like a young Gregory Peck. He stayed handsome in my eyes up until his death at the age of 81.
The point of my ramble is to say that I agree, time doesn’t heal at all. If you have had a really happy marriage, it’s even worse. I try to be grateful for the years we had , and I am, but I still miss him like crazy. It’s like a sword in my side. My thoughts are with all of us in this position, be it missing a daughter, like MissAdventure, or any other much loved family member.💖

I think this thread has some of the most raw and honest posts I’ve ever read on GN. I’m facing huge challenges in my own family right now (I don’t want to go into details but they are life-changing) and your posts are both desolate and awe-inspiring.

Thinking of you all.

Thank you.

MissAdventure

Yes, he is still here, Merlot by the skin of his teeth, (and the gnashing of mine!)

It certainly hasn't been a walk in the park.

I think it has made me out of step, in a way.
Not a young mum, not fancy free, and now not very well, too.

You're exactly right; sometimes we need to shrug off the grief and hang it up somewhere for a while.

I take my hat off to you. I have a small understanding of how difficult it must have been.

You are probably grieving for the ‘what might have beens’ - not just for him but for yourself as well? How she would have dealt with him as a young mum might not translate to how you have coped.

Your life would have been so different and what you have done him is selfless and brave beyond words.

You’re probably sick of hearing people telling you its time to put yourself first but sadly that’s the only advice most of us have to give.

Thank you.
I know, and have always known that.

Gymstagran I am so sorry about your daughter. There are no words, it’s utterly heartbreaking.
I hope your grandaughter’s operation goes well today.
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Do post again, there’s always someone here to listen.

MissA for you and your girl. The same goes for you, there’s always someone here to listen.

Yes, he is still here, Merlot by the skin of his teeth, (and the gnashing of mine!)

It certainly hasn't been a walk in the park.

I think it has made me out of step, in a way.
Not a young mum, not fancy free, and now not very well, too.

You're exactly right; sometimes we need to shrug off the grief and hang it up somewhere for a while.

MissA, If my memory is correct, haven’t you been bringing up your young grandson since your daughter died?

This must have impacted your ability to grieve as you would have been putting his needs before your own. My two grandsons were in their late teens but I found it exhausting helping them with cooking, cleaning etc., while dealing with my own emotions.

Do you think your grief may be affected by the fact that he’s older now? As he moves on with his life you may be struggling to move on with yours?

If only grief were something we could take off and hang on a hook for a while.

Thank you, LaCrepescule.

I'm going to sound a real old misery, but no, I've no really close friends; they tended to drift away when my girl was ill.

I do have my lovely gransnet friend I could chat to, as I've always been aware that she will support me, if I ever felt it necessary.

I wouldn't want to ring her up, blubbing, though, poor woman.

I have had counselling, and emdr therapy, and belonged to a bereaved parent support group. (I've been expelled, though!)

It simply doesn't take away the pain, though.

Sometimes it's too much, and it needs to come out, really, not so it can be "fixed", just so we can get on with putting one foot in front of the other, and trudging along.

MissAdventure, to lose a child must be the greatest pain anyone can ever face. Do you have close friends? They will understand your sense of loss and be there for you when the pain becomes unbearable. It has changed you forever and I hope you can get some peace through nature or a belief in something greater than yourself. I have no idea how I’d manage if I lost my daughter and so far have only lost my parents. I miss them each and every day but the love I have for them has replaced the grief.
Have you tried counselling or therapy?

I've been reading this thread from the start and tried several times to express how I was feeling but failed. Now missing my daughter has become more acute. I am currently staying in hospital with my granddaughter who has an infected ankle and is facing an operation today to remove the infection. How I wish my daughter was here to talk too.

MissA grief especially grieving for a husband and child like you are impacts of your physical and mental health. It does if you are grieving for a husband or partner. Took me years to realise that.

Crying so much not only makes your eyes sore but your chest hurting and it's exhausting. I know even to this day if I have a good cry when the grief suddenly overwhelms me and goes on for a long time I fall asleep .

I don't know why but grief can make any health conditions worse especially in the early years . Yet another thing I didn't realise for years so wrapped up looking after others after my husband died until those dependant on me died.

I didn't realise I was seriously ill 2 weeks after my mom's funeral in 2017. Just thought life had caught up with me and it was my body telling me I had to rest. Couldn't see I was yellow as I had jaundice.

We put others first and it costs us. But I would do it all again as I couldn't not. We all have our own moral code and we have to live with our consciousness. I was foolish and held my grief in until alone for hours but mainly at bedtime. And it was no way to live. I caused myself more harm than necessary.

Others here may have or doing the same thing . I think it's because we go from us to I and take on things as if still a couple . Well I know I did. And still do by loving my family doubly especially my 5 grandson's even the 3 I don't see.

It really is all encompassing; I don't think there is any part of me that hasn't been impacted.

I sort of expected grief to be just overwhelming sadness, but it goes so much further than that.

Those of us who's husband or partner has died. We lost half of ourselves. Us in a second becomes I and I hate it. I know nothing about being single as many here like me met our husbands when young . I was 16 he was 18. Even those who meet their other halves later in life and married or together for a long time we all feel the same. Their is a hole in us that was filled with them and their love . It was lovely not having to explain how I was feeling my husband just knew if my pain or mobility was worse without even seeing me . I always knew if something was bothering him. But together we faced many a hard time like everyone else here. But because you had eachother you got through it. Our husband or partners would fight dragons for us and we would for them.

For the first year I counted days and weeks since he died and I hated every Friday at 1.27pm as that was the time he died. I still ask him for advice but he never answers but I think how he would do things.

I still hate the empty side of the bed and slept with a cuddly toy snowman he won at his last Christmas in our GPs raffle and he won the hamper at the cancer ward raffle. He said typical I'm dieing and suddenly I win things. But he still had his sense of humour.

It's hard making a new life and finding who you are . But it takes years so pleased don't think you have to hide your grief you don't. Grief doesn't have to mean crying your eyes out as everyone experiences grief differently. The rage and anger I feel over my husband dieing instead of me gets me through everyday. People think the rage and anger is a bad thing but we all have to use what we need . And I need that.

I am a completely different woman at 66 to that 45 year old who couldn't envisioned life without my husband. But he was a wise man and knew what I needed to survive without him and it was a series of promises which I have kept. The main one is to live the best life you can. But it took me from 2004 to my moving here in 2019 to finally do that . I had parents and mother in law to look after. Moving gave me a new a better life and I found me again.

Grief like love lasts a lifetime. But you can still have a life but it takes time.

I know I have said all this before but it's only my own experience. And like I have said grief is the price we pay for true love . And we are the lucky ones to have had that .

Oh my goodness, so sad to read the pain some of you have experienced in losing both a child and your darling husbands.... So brutal.... Prayers for you all.
I'm trying to get out every day, but it's hard and get very nervous and tearful, I feel so alone..... theres no-one out there who loves me like my DH did, I felt so protected but now feel very vulnerable......
Its so comforting to be able to bear my soul on this thread... Thankyou and love to you all. ❤️💐

My husband died almost four years ago, very suddenly from Covid. bigbopper you put it so well, “the light went out of me”, that really does sum it up for me. I’m a different person without him beside me. I think of him every day, and it’s taken all this time to start to remember the happy things we did together. Otherwise the horror of losing him was all I could think of.
On a more practical note I miss him so much when things go wrong in the house, he was very practical and could fix most things, now I have to find someone else to do the work.
doodle it’s still very early days, be kind to yourself and just go with the flow.
nannyg4 don’t feel guilty for having a better day, you deserve it after the bad days.
Thinking of you all.

My husband died 10 years ago and I miss him every single day. It will have been our 57th wedding anniversary next week and together 60 years.

After he died, my life was completely different, I became a completely different person. The light went out of me.

It will be three years next month since DH died and it still hurts so much. I only leave the house when family are with me, I need to rebuild my life but am struggling.

I still can’t cry for DH though I think I might feel better I I did, though I might not be able to stop. I miss our relationship all the time but feel I must not appear needy because that it so off putting to others. Not sure there is an answer but perhaps as time goes on the hurt will be buried deeper and not intrude so much. My admiration for those of you who have lost children is enormous because I can’t imagine how hard that is.

Annie I don’t know how you cope. Bringing up your children after your husband died and then your darling daughter too.
You’re right there aren’t any words that can adequately explain the pain.
I thought I was doing a bit better but today the loss swept over me again. I seem to come to terms with something only for a new thought to emerge that sets me off again. It goes round and round in my mind all the time. It’s only 17 weeks for me goodness only knows how I’ll manage years. I never knew such pain existed.
Thanks for your kind words Whiff

Anniebach life can be very cruel and you have shown what a strong woman you are . Grief for a husband is a pain I understand. But for a child that must be unbearable at times.and wouldn't insult you are anyone who has a child died because I don't know that pain . But both your husband and daughter live on in your grandchildren and hopefully they gives you some comfort.

My husband died 48 years ago, we were only married 8 years,
I have so few memories . My elder daughter died nearly 7 years ago yes pain to another level, I had to try to stay strong, her children one graduated few months before, two in university

Not possible to find words to speak of the ache

TwiceAsNice

I lost my son 40 years ago in December. I still miss him badly. I have 2 daughters and we are very close but they can never make up for him not being with us. Our family dynamics were forever changed when he died. I have lost other relatives and precious friends but no loss has ever been as bad as losing my son. Losing a child at whatever age takes bereavement to a whole new level. Hold your daughter in your heart, she will always be your daughter and you will always be her mother. I so feel for you please pm me if it would help.

What a lovely and wise comment.❤️Losing a child at any age is just the worst.

merlotgran, courage indeed in the aftermath of such loss. Inspirational
I feel mr I walking with me as I try to build the best new life I can. I’m blessed with two daughters and grandchildren, they give me purpose focus and love

A courageous decision merlotgran.