Missing someone

Doodle I have lost count of the times I have suddenly burst into tears over the years in shops,cafes ,GP surgery,estate agents and solicitors. Found tears running down my face on the bus and trains . I hadn't even been thinking of my husband.

My husband died at home but spent a week in hospital before coming home to die . I hated having to go too the hospital after that and when my dad was in hospital for a week I could only visit him on his birthday as I found my anxiety got out of control. I didn't know in 2007 I had anxiety I used to say I got jittery. It's only having my diagnosis for my rare hereditary neurological condition in 2022 and talking to others with found out I suffered from anxiety .

Miss A post says it all . Over emotions take us over and we have no control. But that doesn't mean we are weak but human not robots . The love for the person who has died causing bone crushing grief and time does not make it any easier it hurts more as the years go by. We just learn to cope . Example of what happened to me . I go to the Brain Charity on Wednesday morning to a craft group which I love . We made a box for a battery operated tea light to go under. Even though not perfect ,but me and perfect don't go together I was proud of the finished item . Brought it home and told my husband about making it and getting my first hot glue gun burn. I know he would have called me a klutz and found my face was wet with tears. So stupid to cry over making a box but it's what I needed. It was just tears rolling down my face no heart wrenching sobbing.

Doodle feeling ill and sitting in the doctors made your grief worse as the memories flooded in. I hope the doctor gave you something for your. Chest and cough if it was an infection. But I know there is a respiratory virus going round at the moment. My sit fit instructor has had it 2 weeks and had to cancel our class. The first week she spent in bed. She went to her GP thinking it was a chest infection but being a virus it's just got to get better on its own. She's very fit and has her husband but says she has never felt so ill and it's worse than having covid.

So I can only imagine how ill you feel plus your grief. And the one person you need and want you can't have and that makes you feel worse and alone . I know when I am feeling ill I just want me husband to hold me but he can't .

I am lonely but only for him not because I live alone .

Doodle everything is still so new for you as if I remember right it hasn't been a year yet and this is your first Christmas without the other half of yourself. I know you have good family who love and care about you . And spend time with you . But as much as we love our loved ones it's not the same . We just want one person and we can't have them . It's a vicious circle of wanting, needing and grief . And it's never ending . But as I have said many times it's the price we pay for loving and being loved in return .

But we are the lucky ones to have loved and been loved whether it's a child ,husband or partner has died . Worse for those who have had a child die like Miss A and others here . But the grief for a husband or partner dieing is still bone crushing. And effects us both physically and mentally.

I never realised grief could hurt so much or it effected our bodies as well as our minds.

But being able to write it down knowing others understand and saying things we can't say to the ones who love us helps as people here and other threads on this forum understand and knows what it feels like .

Hope you feel better soon . But keep writing here no one on thread is alone as we have eachother. 💐

I glad it helps a little bit, at least, and I do know how hard it is to sit in the same places that you sat with your person.

It's not always the big events or occasions that hurt, but the mundane ones, the bland, impersonal things and places.

Anyway, we can't just avoid everything, in case it "upsets us".

MissAdventure GP was a lovely young lady who said how sorry she was for me and was kind.
My DH spent so much of his last few months at the surgery going there at least twice a week. Seeing the same nurses and doctors and sitting in the waiting room brought it all back.
It helps just writing it down knowing there are those like you here who understand. Thank you x

I hope tomorrow is better for you, too.
Did your gp remark about your crying, or just deal with your chest and throat?
Sometimes it is those impersonal places that spark off the tears for me.

Not always ones full of happy or sad memories.

I too could never have dreamed how torturous grief could be, and there's no respite from it, if your heart decides its "one of those days".

You're just swept along by it, with red eyes, a snotty nose, a pain in your throat from trying to gain control of it.

I sympathise, I understand, but have no idea how to help, and no encouraging, wise words.

I'm really so very sorry, but what can we do, us walking wounded?

Really awful day today. Went to the GP this morning as I wanted my chest and throat checked because of coughing so much. I sat in the waiting room where I had visited so many times with DH. Realised tears were running down my face. Pulled myself together, went into docs and started crying. Sobbing so much I couldn’t tell her why I was upset. Just being back in that room again without him.
Cried all the way home and been crying ever since.
I never realised you could feel like this. I have had better days and I’m hoping tomorrow will be better. Grief certainly doesn’t help your looks.

Doodle I have said many times you know me I repeat myself grief is the heavy price we pay for love . The grief you feel effects you mentally and physically. I didn't realise that when my husband died and took me years to come to that conclusion. The fact all those grieving can still cry take it as a good sign. I know I do . If we didn't cry it would fester inside and make us feel worse. It's getting towards 21 years since my husband died and still grief can and does overwhelm me out of the blue . And I am right back to the moment he died.

There is no cure for grief and Doodle your grief is still new . All the first are hard but then again the seconds etc.. are as well.. I still find myself turning to say to my husband look at that. Or say to myself that would be the perfect gift for him. Every time I see new technology I always think my husband would love thatv as he loved technology. Mind you he would soon throw a sat nav out of the car window shouting at it thats not the way. But it makes me smile thinking about it.

Grief is never ending but I would be lost without mine. The love for my husband has never weakened . Because of him I do what I do . Me being disabled never phased him he saw me and loved me no matter how bad my health got .
When I got my diagnosis about my heart in 2020/2021 then my neurological one and recently my Osteopenia diagnosis first person I wanted to tell was him but I did to the air. But what I wanted and needed was him to hold me and I know he would have said about time you knew and trust you to have a rare hereditary neurological condition. You couldn't have something the neurologist had heard of. Trust you to be different.

All here are united in grief for someone we loved but at least here we can be honest how we feel and know others will understand. And for me it gets me through another day .
Thanks to Miss A for giving us this space . 💞

Thanks MissAdventure yes I will be seeing both our sons this Christmas. I’m lucky they don’t live far away.

I hope your mood improves at least a tiny bit as you feel physically better, *Doodle".

I think feeling ill and not having your person is the worst, plus of course, this time of year is difficult anyway.

Have you got plans for Christmas to see family?

Beechnut hugs 🤗

Miss Adventture I don’t know how you cope. So much responsibility and no time to grieve yourself.
I’m hoping my low mood is because I’m feeling quite ill but I think Christmas has finally hit me. My dear man won’t be here to celebrate with.

There's no bravery involved, for me, I can assure you.

That's all it is, spending days, weeks, years, trudging on.

Perhaps crying helps? Doesn't feel as if it does, but just maybe the tears are better out than in.

you just keep going day after day
You’re right Doodle but some days or a succession of them or sometimes weeks are just bluddy hard and incredibly sad xx

Just been to church for the tree festival. Come home and now sitting here with tears pouring down my cheeks and the most despair I’ve felt for a while.
All you brave souls who’ve battled on through the years. How do you get there. I’m so lost and lonely without my darling man. I know the answer to my own question. You just keep going day after day after day …….

I’m so sorry you must live with this to.
Sending hugs 🫂 X

Marketkat,

You've managed to sum up beautifully exactly how I feel.

It's only very recently that its occurred to me that watching someone fighting a losing battle takes its toll.

The grief doesn't start with their death, its long before that, as you try to be positive, while watching hope begin to fade, when every test reveals more bad news. Thanks for posting, because it helps to be able to "say" things here x

My son son died 6 years ago from a rare cancer, I miss him every single day, it’s so hard living with this intense grief. It has got a little easier and I’ve learnt to live with it, but it’s a different kind of existence, where I feel I wouldn’t mind if I die, but if I continue to live I am so absolutely in awe of my beautiful son, all he went through and I will miss him to the end of my days. The years don’t ease your pain, in my quiet moments I am with him and when I’m doing other things he is with me, always. X

Good old Whiff.

Lovely Whiff made me laugh. 🤣

Oh I'd love to have bought that for a couple of deserving people at my workplace. 🤭

A tin of prunes and a toilet roll made me laugh. I think I would like to give that as a joke secret Santa if I was still at work.

Blimey.
Thank you.

Miss A glad I did . But you have helped me so much over the years with your wise words. All the things you have been through and still going through you still think of others . Very special lady 💞

Everything you write makes me smile, whiff.
I suppose you could have been a sit down comedian.
The things your husband said, too, always tickle me. There's nothing cuter than a little kid bellowing their own versions of christmas songs.

I love that tradition of taking the same photo every year.

Some people as adults stage the same poses and similar clothes, and they're hilarious.

Thank you for brightening up today x

Miss A I can still suddenly find tears rolling down my face . It's as if suddenly part of my brain switches on a sadness overwhelms me . It happens even when I am not thinking about my husband. It's as if our brain knows we need the relief and gives it to us. As you can see had a lot of years to think about this 🤔.

Went with my daughter and my grandsons to see Santa on Sunday. Since 2020 she has made it a tradition I go with them while their dad watches he's football team . Then the boys decorate my tree. Another traditional my daughter has started is taking a pic of the boys sitting on the armchair by the tree. The first year the youngest wasn't a month old and just lay across his brother's lap. This year the oldest 7 next month sat on the armchair and his brother 4 sat on the arm . They have grown so quickly.

Hopefully this will make you all smile on the way there and back the youngest sang frosty the snowman ,when Santa got stuck up the chimney and merry Christmas . There is nothing louder than a 4 year old singing when he forgot the words he made them up. He's a snowman in the nursery production as he's the loudest. His brother has a staring role in his school production but forget what he said. Me and my foggy brain 🤦.

Doodle going to the candle service was a big step but you did it even though tinged with sadness. But it must mean a lot to the staff at the hospice and people who had and have loved ones there .

I am going to a Christmas concert at the Brain Charity on Friday afternoon looking forward to it as they have helped me so much and I feel at home there . Plus tomorrow out craft group starts again now the roof is watertight . So taking it's not a Bakewell tart with me . Just sponge on top as don't know if anyone is allergic to nuts . But used my blueberry jam for the filling . Had to buy ready rolled short crust pastry as I can't roll out anymore.

Hopefully there will be singing we can join in with . I have a terrible voice but it doesn't matter at the Brain Charity I can be me . Only place I sing loudly everywhere else very quiet .

Christmas is always hard so much is made of it but it's only one day . We still grieve our loved ones everyday. We are expected to be happy Christmas day not everyone can but never feel you have to fight your tears . I won't allow myself to be sad Christmas day but think of all the idiotic things my husband did as he was mad over Christmas.

Before we married in came Christmas eve with this giant box staggering under the weight of it. The sod when I opened it was a giant teddy bear. The next year he did the same thing . Thought he was having me on again . Nearly gave myself a hernia it was a sewing machine in those days they where very heavy as all made of metal.

Once married again one year large box staggering under the weight again the sod had wrapped a box within a box 10 boxes which revealed a beautiful necklace.

It just wasn't my husband who was a joker . My dad one year gave me unknown to my mom a tin of prunes and a toilet roll.
Hope this has given you all a smile 😊.

Love is the heavy price we pay for grief of the loved one who has died. But it is a price we gladly pay and we are the lucky ones to love and be loved in return. 💐