Missing someone

The only advice really, is that you have to let your grandson's parent do what he sees fit.

To my mind, too, it's very soon to be bringing someone else into the picture, but we have people on this site who have got together with someone new in less time than that, and gone on to have long, happy years together.

All you can do is continue to be a loving support to your grandchild, because it isn't your choice to make.

As hurtful as it is, your grandson might thrive with a new female in his life, if it works out, and his dad has at least taken some time to get to know this person before introducing them.

My daughter died 18 months ago. She lived with her partner and 3 year old son. I would see my grandson daily. I now only see him on a Sunday for a sleepover and the odd Friday for an hour after school. My daughters partner has been dating again for 6 month and is going to introduce my grandson to her. I'm so broken as I think it's too soon. Any advice?

Thanks Whiff

Doodle you and your husband where together for a long time. Going from us to I in the blink of an eye is hard to ever get used to . Your whole world changed in that moment. It's not just not having a husband , but best friend , person who knew the real you and you them, someone to shared your biggest joys and saddest moments with. The person who could finish your sentences. They knew how you where feeling without asking . Holding hands ,having a cuddle ,some one to make love with. If either of you had a nightmare the other was there to hold you until you both went to sleep. You only had to reach out in the night and they where there. Losing your temper with eachother then making up . Making plans for the present and future . All over in that split second moment.
Then realising this is it forever on your own. The one person you want and need is gone . Being a couple isn't easy but it's wonderful ,being on your own is hard . Simple things seem so hard . I don't talk about my husband in the past tense I talk about my husband because he still is my husband . And I forget not everyone knows he's dead. Because I hate saying late husband as my husband was never late in his life apart from his funeral. The one in front of us over ran.. I said to the children dad would hate this as he hated queuing and we chuckled. Sounds awful but we had an unsaid pact we wouldn't cry at his funeral and I am glad we didn't as we had so many people to thank for coming . We didn't have a wake as we hated them . Then we could cry in private.

You are not alone in feeling as you do plus you have all the firsts to get through . And your own health worries . I ramble on threads because it makes me feel better and hope I help someone else feel better to..

So sorry Whiff. I sympathise. I’m having one of those days today. So lost and lonely. I hate feeling like this.

Doodle glad you don't fight your tears . I know when I fought them I only made it worse and used to get a pain in my chest but once I let the tears flow the pain went. Many years ago I meet a woman I knew casually said that she got over her grief in 6 months and thought it was self indulgence if people's grieved for longer . Afraid what I said to her wasn't nice or polite my husband had been dead a few years by then and my grief was still overwhelming.

As I have said many times before grief is the price for love . And it's a heavy price that only gets worse as the years go by you just learn to cope . But for me it can still overwhelm out of the blue after all these years.
I have been recently in an art exhibition with my gel printing whilst I think it's hilarious me in an art exhibition when we got home after spending 5 hours putting it up . I was telling my husband about the fun we had and suddenly I couldn't stop crying . Usually when I get like that I see my husband with his stupid grin but didn't this time and I felt lost .

Had a pleasant afternoon out with a friend come home and feeling ok. Suddenly a wave of sadness rolls over me and the tears fall again. I don’t fight it anymore just let them come. Just so so sad.

NannyG4 it's love for our other halves that keeps us going . And we know they wouldn't what us to give up . Plus I feel I must live my life to the full for the life he has missed. My husband always wanted to be a granddad so I love my 5 grandsons doubly for him. Even the 3 I never see.

Doodle... I feel your pain, its heartbreaking but something inside us keeps us going, we'll all hold each other up. 💕

Just realised I wrote my human instead of my husband.

Doodle I may have written that but you know I ramble on . But I would hate anyone do what I did and make the grief even worse. I thought it had to be brave for everyone what a fool I was.

That's why I always say never fight your feelings the only person you hurt is you . Time doesn't heal but it does make it easier to cope . But in my experience it takes years that's why I say I call the first 10 years early grief.

For those of you still in those 10 years I remember how hard it was . It's not just the other half of you has died but your present and future. When my husband died the thought of living the next 30 years on my own terrified me and I only saw a bleak time ahead. But 20.5 years later still here still using that anger and rage get me through each day .

I would say to all widows or bereaved parents which is a pain I don't know . But it must be the worst pain ever. Write how you feel down otherwise the thoughts say in your mind and make you feel worse by writing it down it's out in the open and I know it makes me feel better. 💐

NannyG4 I could have written your post myself. It’s 20 weeks today for me. I never knew such pain existed as this loss.
Some days are better than others. I cope better but then another wave washes over me and drags me down again.
I feel guilty too. If only I’d known about pressure sores and how to avoid them. If only I’d made the nurses take better care of him. I think those of us who are left behind always feel guilty. My only comfort is in knowing that he isn’t going through this, don’t know who wrote this, might even have been you Whiff my pain is his peace.
Hang on in there Nanny were in this together. Sending hugs.

Thankyou Whiff...

NannyG4 we always knew my husband wouldn't live 5 years when he was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma in 2001. And I felt guilty as I was born disabled and when my health got worse my husband just said we alter our way of life to suit you and be a normal family. He kept his word to the day he died.
It was so unfair he was fit and healthy and I hadn't been since birth. But life isn't fair .

We lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over . We always knew one day it would drop but it was still a shock when it did. The consultant told us during lunch time and he made sure it was only him and a nurse when they showed us the pictures of the six tumours . I screamed and hobbled out of the room and the nurse followed me and held me while I cried. The guilt was crushing me I wanted it to be me not him ,never him .
I watched him dieing slowly everyday until he died .

When the pain got bad and he woke screaming in pain he put a pillow over his face so the children wouldn't hear. Once the liquid morphine made him sleep . It was my turn to scream into a pillow. When he became to weak he begged me to hold the pillow which I did .

Our children know none of this and I don't always write about it but I wanted you to know I understand your guilt. Time does ease the guilty feeling but it takes years . It's only months for you and I am sure your husband wouldn't want you to feel guilty. But it won't go until you come to terms with he's death. But use that feeling to get you through each day . But always try and think of what your husband would say to you feeling this way . The rage and anger of my human dieing gets me through each day. But I use it for good .. Time will help you but it's too early for you to think that way yet. Just get through each day the best way you can . And I found writing about it helps me as it gets the thoughts out of my head inside of them eating away at me.

Hopefully this makes sense .

Downtoearth 💐❤️thinking of you and all others who have no longer got their loved ones with them
I try hard to believe there is something afterwards but I can’t see it as hard as I try People with that strong faith must have so much more comfort

Its almost 3 months since I lost my DH and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost, lonely and heartbroken, what have I got to live for.... My life has changed forever....
I'm feeling guilty now as he was dying in front of me and I didn't realise , no one told us this would how it would be... Heart Failure....
I know I'm not alone on this thread which really helps... Wish we could all meet for one big hug💕💕.....love and strength to you all. 💐💐

Please excuse any typos hand trembled again before I could press preview

Hand trembled and pressed post.

I was glad to get home . Both children left home in 2006 .Son to uni and told my daughter she had to go back to the city where she got her degree and had meet her future husband at uni . She came home after her degree to help her brother through A levels.. But she was only doing temp work and not using her education. They had to live there own lives it's what I wanted. I told them both me and their dad had our time it was time for them now. You have to let your children live their own lives . But I couldn't live my life. I had both parents and mother in law to look after . I could abandon them when they needed me . But I had no life I existed and that's no way to live . I had not only lost my husband but me .

I was finally able to move 5 years ago to live closer to my children a move of over 100 miles to the north west. And I found me again and I am happy . I have a home again . I slept for the first time since the children where born all night my first night here but it had taken me 15 years to get to this point .

My son hasn't spoken or seen me since my birthday in 2020 his choice . Never understand why . I have 3 grandson's with him and my daughter in law last time I saw the 2 eldest they where 4&2. The hardest thing was realising my son is cruel and a coward he should have told me to my face on my birthday I would never see or speak to him ever again . My grandsons are 8 this week, 6 and their brother is 4 I don't even know his name of exact date of birth. My son had told me they where expect again and it was a boy. But what my son has done is nothing compared to my daily grief for my husband.

There is no right or right way to grieve but your way . Please do not be hard on yourselves and never fight your feelings. I would hate anyone to do what I did but what did I know about bone crushing grief.

Life isn't fair but it's life and as hard it is being on your own life the best life you can but take your time getting there. I am lonely but only for my husband. I like living on my own . But at least I live now not just exist .

As some know I ramble on but hope I have helped someone.

💐to you all.

Everythingstopsfortea you are bound to feel lonely for your husband. He was the other half of yourself . When my husband died I felt half of me died to and after 20.5 years I am still not whole. You have not just lost your husband but your best friend ,lover ,knight in shining armour,etc. But the only person in the world who knew the real you and you him. It's still very early days for your grief. Plus moving so quickly you haven't had time to really grieve. Grieve is overwhelming and not only effects you emotionally but has the knock effect of effecting you physically and mentally. When your husband took his last breath your whole world changed . Your present and future died to. In that moment suddenly you are no longer classed as married but single . With his last breath your place in the world changed . These are all things I have come to realised since my husband died so I am only writing my experience but it may resonate with what you are feeling .

I was 45 my husband 47 when he died what did I know about bone crushing grief. I had been a couple since I was 16 and my husband was 18. Looking back I lost my identity. My home in a second changed to a house as my home was my husband.

You have had so much upheaval in a very short time you need to take time to grieve . You will find it all just to much at times and your heart will break . You may not of gone through all the stages of grief or you may go through them all again and this time they will hit you harder.

This is all assumption on my reading your post. I have had to learn the hard way about grief that's why I write on the threads here . If I can save one person doing what I did then my repeating myself is worth it..

Our children weren't little 20 and 16 but foolishly I thought I had to be brave for them and hold my grieve in until I was alone or at bedtime. Looking back I hurt myself and it felt like a physical pain . I used to cry so hard my eyes where sore and my chest hurt. Even now after all these years I can still have moments like that . But I don't fight it like I did.

I hope you talk out loud to your husband everyday it will help. I have screamed ,swore ,blamed my husband for leaving me but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feeling better. I even blamed him for my husband sake falling through twice and my son estranging me 4 years ago via email. And no I didn't do anything wrong . I never saw it coming . Anyway that's another saga.

Unfortunately grief doesn't ease as the years go by but this is my own experience. It gets worse as my husband has missed so much . You just learn to cope I call the first 10 years early grief . That's just my take on it.

Moving so quickly you need time alone to grieve and let all your feelings flow . Don't try and hold them in as you will hurt yourself you have to let everything you are feeling out . I have and still do shout out loud this shouldn't be my life . The rage and anger I still feel over my fit healthy husband getting cancer and dieing gets me through everyday. I was born disabled and was prepared to died first . It seems so unfair he died instead but that's life it's not fair . My husband made me promise a lot of things he was a wise man and knew me for well he knew what I needed and I have kept every one . But the most important one is live the best life you can. It's to early for you to do that yet. There are a lot of newly bereaved people here but like I say I class the first 10 years early grief.

My husband died in 2004 everything was paperwork and the only choices on the firms where married , divorced and single . I used to cross them all out and write widowed expect I did once write window only remembered that a while ago. Had to cross it out.

I hate being classed as single as to me I am still and always will be married and a Mrs . Love never dies as grief doesn't. But grief is the price we pay for love . But we are the lucky ones we found the other half of ourselves that's why its so hard when they die.

It doesn't matter if you have been with the other half of yourself a year or 50. Same sex or opposite love real love hurts the same ..It's just the longer you are together the more memories you have . Plus have videos of your other half. I haven't got any and nothing with my husbands voice on. The moment he died I lost his voice but still know the way he phrased things and still seems him but since my move 5 years ago not sitting on his armchair as they are identical and don't know which one he sat in. But when my grandsons have decorated my Christmas tree I see my husband standing by it .

Because I was 16 I never did a lot of things on my own we did everything together . When I was 46 I went to York for 3 days my husband made me promise to go on holiday year after he died. I had never been on holiday by myself not even walked into a pub by myself. I went but spent most of my time crying in my room .

Everythingstopsfortea you’ve had a lot of upheaval. Moving house on top of your loss must have be emotionally and physically exhausting. Please do try and keep going places.
I’m not nearly as far down the line as you but I do find that the more I do the better I get at coping. The first time I went for a meal out with someone I sat there making small talk but my heart was racing and I was there in body not spirit. I kept thinking I don’t want to be here I just want to go home and cry.
I am able to cope a bit better now. I still cry every day and sometimes find it so hard to carry on. I miss him so much. You are right, it’s threads like this that make us realise we are not alone. We belong to a group of people who all understand and can relate to our feelings and thoughts.

I spent a long, long time going to places, turning around and scurrying back home again.

It's good that you went, at least, for now; it's very soon for you.

I've no words of wisdom, or I'd take my own advice, but misery does at least love company, so you might want to post again whenever it feels too overwhelming.

It’s been a long time since I posted but I just wanted to thank everyone on here who, like myself, understands exactly what it feels like to lose their loved ones.. My husband of 25 years passed away in September 2023 and I’ve been feeling so lonely without him. I had to sell our home as it was too big for me to manage and have now moved into my smaller house. The last year has been very overwhelming. Grief plus the reluctance and hard work involved in a house move. However, I’m now trying to move forward but finding it very hard. The tears are constantly flowing. Today I decided to go with my daughter to my local U3A open day. I crumbled and more or less just walked in and then out again. It feels so unreal to be branching out without him. We did everything together. I’m finding the only thing that helps me is the knowledge that I am not alone. Nobody prepares us for this emptiness and the feeling of having completely lost our way.
I know the way forward will take time and I know life will never be the same again, but I thank you fellow Grans for helping me put things back into some sort of perspective and to feel less alone….

Whiff

Not son husband ..That makes me sound like a pervert. Told you my mind is all over the place..🤦🤦🤦🤦

Don’t worry! I think we all knew what you meant!

Not son husband ..That makes me sound like a pervert. Told you my mind is all over the place..🤦🤦🤦🤦

The rage and anger over my husband dieing gets me through everyday. It has never left me. But I use it for good and try and help people when I can. I am lonely but only for my husband. I have gotten yo like living on my own doing what I want when I want. But it's only been the last 5 years that I have been able to do that.

Learning to live as I instead or we is hard. When my husband died everything was on paper where it said marital status it was married,single , divorced that was your choice I always crossed threw them and wrote widowed in large letters. Mine you I did once write window. 🤦.

Simple things become hard the first years of widowhood like remembering to cook for one less or not laying an extra place at the table. Ordering less shopping or stop buying things only your husband liked to eat.

All these things we have to learn not to do. But then we have to learn such a lot of things on our own. I found making simple decisions hard. Remembering to put the bin out . All the things my husband did.

Those who had young children you suddenly become mother and father and that must have been so hard .

Doing things as a couple you take for granted but on your own it's like climbing a mountain covered in oil one step forward 2 back.

When I had a nightmare my son used to hold me until I fell asleep now I have to leave the bedside light on if I have one.

I know this is so random but my mind is muddled tonight. There have been fireworks going off and they effect my neurological condition. When startled my limbs stiffen and if standing up I fall . Luckily I was sitting down during them but my body couldn't move until I got used to the bangs. It's happened my whole life but since having my diagnosis in 2022 and talking to others with HPX I understand why my body has done and still does. My life makes sense.

What hurts is it never phased my husband from when we went out and he was the first time I wanted to tell. I did once home but I know if he had been alive he would have wanted to celebrate but also know as he had a wicked sense of humour who would take pleasure in saying I was a mutant. He was a bugger at times but he was mine and me his.

I hear you NannyG4 and feel the same. I can cope going about and doing coffee meeting with people but all the time I long to be with my DH. As soon as the thought of not being able to hold him or cuddle him again hits me it’s like a tidal wave of emotion rolling over me. I get so scared and upset that this is my life now. I have a good life and a lot to be thankful for, friends and family but it doesn’t stop the grief and panic overwhelming me.
So many of us in the same boat.