Missing someone

for all those carrying these weighty burdens. There are no words.

That is one hell of weight to carry around for all these years. downtoearth.
I take my hat off to you for doing such a brilliant job while managing your own grief.

I was numb for ages, it feels as if your mind takes over and flicks a switch on some terrible parts- like a protection measure.

Also, there is this ridiculous part of us that feels its impolite in some way, to tell other people. (Just my feelings on it) x

My first daughter would have celebrated her 46th birthday 2 weeks ago, she died aged 7 weeks severely brain damaged at birth.

My second daughter died from taking her own life due to domestic violence it was public front page news, court proceeding for the perpetrator and a lengthy court battle ending in the High court for custody of my grandaughter as it was contested by the perpetrator..the childs father and daughters partner.

We had to leave our home and flee over a hundred miles away under police protection, that we are still under, we had to leave family and friends, and my girls grave that we are unable to visit.

I cant listen to music it is so painful, because I cant cry, I am numb still after 20 years, the pain , hurt and longing dosent go away.

This time of year there are two anniversaries looming, 3rd November, and 3rd january both painful because I the only one to remember, I have to manage my pain for my son who has lost 2 siblings and my darling granddaughter who lost her mum and saw all the violence committed.

Annie I know this time of year is not a good one for you, MissA and Merlot Kupari I remember reading and being on GN for the losses of your girls.

Sending love and peace to you, and all who have suffered child loss as well as partners, husbands and parents.

The pain of a child dieing no matter at what age must be the worst pain ever and one all parents dread.

Anniebach the death of your daughter no one should expect you to accept it . We love our children the moment you know you are pregnant. The pain of a child dieing must be unbearable and no one should expect you to stop grieving .
I don't know that grief but know it would be the worst kind.

My daily grief for my husband never lessons in fact as the years go by it get worse as he has missed so much in the last 20. 5 years . But I have learned to cope but it can still be overwhelming and hit me out of the blue.

Love and grief never dies and impacts on our lives and it hurts physically but also mentally . It's a never ending circle and changes us forever. And it's worst for parents who's child has died.

The pain following the death of my daughter was and is hell , accepting it is not possible, I can’t

It never feels good to me.
It's really gut wrenching, awful crying, that always surprises me with the sheer pain of it.

merlotgran

Music always does it for me as well. I feel quite wrung out having tried out my new Bluetooth speaker this afternoon. I listened to some playlists on Spotify I’ve been avoiding because they were created for happy occasions like our Golden Wedding party and my 70th.

It had to be done. Neil Diamond was the worst! 🥲

I agree that Neil Diamond is the worst. My husband died in 2020 and I still cry listening to some of Neil’s songs. I don’t know whether that’s a good or a bad thing.

Thank you.
It's almostc7 years since my girl died from cancer, and she was 35.

It's therapeutic just to be able to say that, because I usually feel I need to brush it off, in a way.

Thank you.

MissAdventure.
Just to say I understand your grief. Its eight years since my daughter died from Cancer aged 40 years.
Others talk of missing partners etc, but I think the death of your child is the greatest pain any women has to go through.
My heart goes out to you.

That's so nice to hear, Annie.
Just to know that Catherine is being thought of, and that you are, too, by "her people".

I have my lovely gransnet friend who messages me on or around the day, and that's it, really.

Mind you, there would be no pleasing me, if I'm honest.

If I was inundated I'd be cross, probably.

MissAdventure on that day my three grandchildren message me to tell me they are thinking of me, my son in law sends a photograph of flowers he has placed in a vase for Catherine from her their three children placed on my husband’s grave.
I ache for them, I had her love , her love for life the whole of
her life, I was blessed . You too have that feeling, you were there at your darling daughter birth x

I couldn't even begin to imagine how that day feels for you, traumatic doesn't even begin to describe it.

Do you do anything to mark the day, or just wait for it to pass?

How lovely that her girls (women, now, of course) are together in their home.
Again, sometimes even the good things feel sad, but we have to keep it inside.

I doubt there is any mother who was there for their child than you, Annie, by the way x

Yes MissAdventure coming to ‘that time’ , a very difficult time
for me, I should have been there . Yes the passing of time hurts,
Both her daughters graduated, her three children have employment which would have made her so happy, her daughters recently moved into an apartment together, brings back time when they were in the family home together , you too have these memories x

Annie
It is coming up to "that time" isn't it?

The day, in particular, makes little difference to me, but the passing of time hurts.

My younger daughter misses her elder sister so much, her husband and children miss her so much, I miss her so much

Her sister, to whom she was incredibly close, would have been such an invaluable support to her

I feel the same sorrow for my younger daughter who won’t have her ‘big sis’ to share her life as time moves on.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter, Tigerpaws

It's heartbreaking to read of all the loss and sadness on this thread, but it's also remarkable to see the strength and resilience shown by so many when their lives have been torn apart by bereavement.

One of my beloved daughters died nearly two years ago aged just 35. I did not know pain like this existed.

Another of my daughters is now experiencing a really upsetting situation in her own life, and I am so terribly sad for her and my beloved little grandchild. Her sister, to whom she was incredibly close, would have been such an invaluable support to her, and her absence in our lives is felt more acutely than ever.

That's so true, Whiff

Thank you.

Miss A you did make me laugh when you said your where in pitch black with strobe lights and Smack my bitch up was playing. While it's a bitter sweet memory but you must have all laughed hearing that in the dark . I would have thought a more macabre song to play in that environment.

While it's a happy memory and can't be repeated be happy you did it the 3 generations of you together making than memory .

Tuaim would love to see your pictures. What a lovely way to bring back the memory of your dad. My dad taught me to make jams , marmalade and chutneys . Mom and dad taught both my brother how to cook . And they taught use to ball room dance and my husband when he started going out with him . Plus my dad taught my husband to make home made beer and wines out of fruit and veg.

Merlotgran another happy memory but also sad but true and hold on to the happy memories. Did they play storming the castle and shooting bows and arrows or sword fighting . That's something my kids did when we went to castle's. Can't remember which castle we went to but the highlight for them was seeing an hole that was used as a toilet.

Like all the bereavement threads this isn't all doom and gloom but full of memories even if they produce tears but what lovely memories to have . And those memories keep our loved ones alive in our hearts and minds.

I don't know that song, but I dare not listen, or I'll be crying on your behalf.

I listened to music yesterday, and had the prodigy on.
It reminded me of my mum, my girl and me, in Blackpool.

We came across a ride called 'the terminator'...
Oh my word, when we went on, it was the fastest waltzer, ever.
All in pitch black, with strobe lights flashing, and 'Smack my bitch up' so loud it almost burst your eardrums.

Happy memory, that one, but then I get sad because there won't be more like that.

Ed Sheeran’s Castle on a Hill always finishes me.

We used to live near Framlingham when DD was a toddler so when her boys were nine and seven we all had a lovely nostalgic visit to the castle which they loved.

On the way home we sang along to Castle on a Hill. Somehow I knew deep down it was going to be a special memory but thank goodness I didn’t know why at the time.

DD loved my 70’s record collection especially Cat Stevens so when I have one of ‘those days’ I listen to How Can I Tell You? because it sums up exactly how I feel.

Doodle

I can’t listen to anything that is about love or missing someone. Mournful or sad music just wipes me out.

Last time I was out, I nipped into a charity shop, and the East17 song, 'Stay' came on.
It has no particular meaning, apart from being around when my girl was a teen, but I immediately started blubbing, snotty nosed and sniffng, eyes all red.

My dad used to love to paint and it is something I never did. Recently, I looked at some of his work and decided to start myself just pottering. I have checked out some You Tube stuff and find that walking in his footsteps, although he is no longer here, helps me to connect with his spirit of creativity. Did your girl or mum have any hobbies that you could try? Perhaps you may feel closer to them?

It's only this year I can listen to ELO as they where our favourite group . Even had Mr Blue Sky played as well left the crem .
After my husband died I liked the silence when on my own .The children left 2 years after their dad died it's what I wanted.
I didn't put the TV on until dinner time .
But when I had jaundice in 2017 I couldn't stand the silence had the TV on all day . And then brought myself a dab radio and started to listen to classic FM everyday instead which I still do . From 5 am until if I am in 1 when I put the TV on when I have my lunch. My daughter put Spotify on my phone for me the free on. And have lot of albums mainly orchestras but have albums by ELO ,Abba and Queen. I find the album Crimson flight the most relaxing it's music from a Disney wildlife documentary about flamingos.

Still can't listen to Once ,twice three times a lady by Lionel Richie as that was our first dance and my husband sang it to me while dancing . Funny how I had forgotten thank you for giving me back that memory.

I can’t listen to anything that is about love or missing someone. Mournful or sad music just wipes me out.