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How can I help my grieving mum - at my wits' end

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Tuaim Sun 27-Oct-24 03:25:44

Could you just be 'the listener' and make very gentle replies? The problem is (and I know because I have been there) that no matter how well intentioned you are, any suggestions you make may not be to mum's liking or habit. You are doing your best by just being there and you cannot change the course of time, but you can continue to support, offer a listening ear, and step in when needs must. Take courage. You are doing an amazing job by just caring and making sure she is safe.

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Lovetopaint037 Sun 27-Oct-24 00:56:02

You are doing what you can and it is still early days. Six months and over are so recent. Years can go by before some acceptance helps. Same hurt but less sharp. Your poor mum is old and 70 years is a life time of sharing so much that she hasn’t just lost a husband she has been torn apart. We have been married for 64 years and I dread the day that this will inevitably happen to one of us. You are listening to her and giving her support. Just let her know you understand. She is so lucky to have you. Try to get to see her as much as possible. Do hope she has friends and kind neighbours.

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drbledu23 Sat 26-Oct-24 23:58:15

My dad died just over a year ago, and I have been watching my mum literally beating herself up emotionally, blaming herself for not being able to save him and feeling that the Almighty is punishing her for being a wretched awful person.

The first 6 months I think she was still in shock but now she has come out of that phase - almost as if she has woken up to the enormity of the loss. They were together for 70 years and she is quite literally heartbroken. I talk to her every day (I live a hundred miles away due to work commitments) and get over to see her as often as I can ...but I am at a loss as to how to help her come to terms with the loss. It is very hard to listen daily to her breaking her heart, wishing she was not here and that dad should have taken her with him.

My mum is not an easy person to help - she spent most of her life helping others but won't accept help back - whether physically or emotionally. Some days I just cannot say the right thing and she has told me more than once to shut up or reiterated that I cannot possibly know how she feels - and of course I cannot - and whatever I try to help her with she finds fault with or I get accused of taking over. Of course I have taken most of this on the chin and try to accommodate the state she is in. My brother who lives nearby and pitches in with help is not so accommodating emotionally - he is a bloke so to be expected - but it leaves the emotional burden solely on my shoulders.

Despite her age (92) and physical problems (osteoarthritis, vertigo and the inevitable depression )-she is still trying to function as she used to and is strong-willed and determined - but with that comes frustration at her own reduced capability. Not that she will let anyone help - she won't accept any kind of care service inside her house - and doesn't want the 'well-intentioned interference' as she puts it.

So as you can probably tell I am banging my head against a brick wall and at my wits end. Can anyone offer some sage advice as to how I might proceed from here?

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