How can I help my grieving mum - at my wits' end

You are doing what you can and it is still early days. Six months and over are so recent. Years can go by before some acceptance helps. Same hurt but less sharp. Your poor mum is old and 70 years is a life time of sharing so much that she hasn’t just lost a husband she has been torn apart. We have been married for 64 years and I dread the day that this will inevitably happen to one of us. You are listening to her and giving her support. Just let her know you understand. She is so lucky to have you. Try to get to see her as much as possible. Do hope she has friends and kind neighbours.

Could you just be 'the listener' and make very gentle replies? The problem is (and I know because I have been there) that no matter how well intentioned you are, any suggestions you make may not be to mum's liking or habit. You are doing your best by just being there and you cannot change the course of time, but you can continue to support, offer a listening ear, and step in when needs must. Take courage. You are doing an amazing job by just caring and making sure she is safe.

Be prepared as your mother was with your father for so many years -she may never really come to terms with the loss , the pain and the grief .
I went through it with my father .
He was absolutely consumed with grief .
Believe me , I tried everything with him .
He smoked and drank excessively .
He stopped eating properly .
He refused to go out .
He was shocked , angry and depressed .
You can only listen and be kind .
We all tried to take my father out .
Holidays were a failure .
He resisted days out . Eventually , he stopped going to his club .
Friends stopped phoning .
I found myself taking him to the Doctor's surgery or hospital, getting all his shopping even clothes , then cooking and cleaning...finally doing everything .
I include answering the phone and the door !

I’m so sorry you’re having to cope with this on top of losing your father. I’m afraid the others are right and there’s nothing you can do for your Mother but listen. She’s very lucky to have you. The important thing to do now is to find as much support for yourself as you can.

Does your mum ring you? Or you her? Can you and your brother alternate days of contact so that you get 3 days a week respite. It's hard on you as you have lost your dad as well. If she rejects external help that's difficult for you. As said above be a listening ear as probably anything you suggest or say will be rebuffed. Everyone will have a bereavement at some stage in their life and I suppose we are all unprepared and deal with it so differently.

I think you're trying to do something impossible - helping her come to terms with the loss. That's a process only she can go through. I think you can just listen and empathise.

The simple answer there is nothing you can do . The grief of the other half of you dieing is so overwhelming half of you dies when they do . And you are never whole again . I speak from experience I had been with my husband as a couple for 29 years and married 22. He died in 2004 4 days after his 47th birthday I was 45 and our children 20 and 16.

For your mom it's worse as they had been together such a long time . When you are widowed suddenly become I and not us . Our home was just a house as my husband was my home . The worst part for me was it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and died I was always prepared to die first as I was born disabled.

You are doing everything you can to help your mom but sorry to say your mom will never get over your dad's dead . You are grieving but your grief is different to your mom's .

Your dad only died a year ago it's still what I call early grieving years and I mean the first 10 years . Your mom is lost and at her age harder to come to terms with being alone . When the other half of you dies your present and future die to. The one person in the whole world who knew the real you and you them has died . I have always talked out loud to my husband everyday day which gives me comfort. But I have also shouted at him for leaving me alone ,swore at him ,blamed him if things have happened nothing they wouldn't have if he lived . I have raged at him but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feeling better now.

Grief never dies but the love for the other half of you never dies. I have found my grief is worse as the years go by as my husband has missed so much . Time helps you cope but it's still to early for your mom . No one can help with the grief . I know you are hurting grieving for your dad and feeling helpless how to help your mom . My dad died 3 years after my husband he was 80 same age as mom . As much as I knew what mom was feeling and helped her with my own experience, she never got over dad dieing her grief was different from mine for my husband for the simple reason they had been together since 1948 married since 1950.

You can't do anymore than you are . Your mom knows you are there for her but she only wants to be with your dad . I can understand her not wanting help as she is like me always cared for others .

Until your mom asks for help there is nothing you can do . I know it's hard and you feel helpless but your mom has to face it on her own and in her own time . Don't try and force your mom to accept help she will ask if she wants it . At your mom's age and how long she had been with your dad you will see her decline in health and probably lose weight . My mom lost 3 st and never put it back on it was grief weight loss .

Your love for your mom shines out but you can't do anymore than you are. Never try and force your mom to do anything as she will only fight you . Sorry I can't say her grief will ease . No idea if this has made you feel worse hope not . But you can't help your mom's grief is overwhelming her and eating away at her. You just have to let her do what she wants.

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the ways I imagine that loss has changed your relationship with your mum.

Would she consider grief counselling? I'm sure you are a very good listening ear, but the loss of a husband is different to the loss of a father, and she might feel some of that difference when sharing her feelings with you. The aim of grief counselling isn't to hurry people through their grief, but to be a dedicated listening ear who can normalise all aspects of grief. Sometimes the hardest parts of bereavement are the things that make us feel completely alone in the grieving experience.

If she won't, then maybe grief counselling could be useful for you, if you haven't tried it already? It doesn't have to focus solely on the person who has died, they also acknowledge that the "secondary losses" and changes are just as important and impactful. There are some bereavement charities which offer grief counselling for free. It might give you the outlet you need to keep soldiering on being hers. It might also give you the permission to prioritise your own grief sometimes, and that might mean not being available every day for your mum's ruminations. Of course, it is so very hard for her and you want to be there for her as much as possible, but that doesn't negate how hard it is for you too. You can't pour from an empty cup, and such.

Take care

I am sorry for the loss of your father, and the fact that you are having to deal with the histrionics of your mother. who despite being 92 appears to be in full possession of her faculties. She is punishing you, and anyone else who tries to help, for her grief and there is little you can do to alleviate it until she allows you to help.
You are doing everything you can, practically and emotionally, but I have no doubt that she has a will of iron, and a determination to have her own way, no matter how detrimental. I saw it with my paternal grandmother and my father, both 94, not consumed with grief but fury that their independent life needed support, also with a friend's mother who lived to 104.
Do not feel guilt because you cannot persuade your mother to accept help; do everything to reassure yourself that she is safe as possible, as your brother is able to do, and maintain contact, but refuse to shamed by the 'you don't know how I feel, leave me alone.' Just remind her gently you have lost your father, and end the call, but maintain daily contact for your own peace of mind.
So sorry.

All you can do is listen. She is of course right that no-one can really understand another's grief. Any suggestions you might make will get that response. Just be there (or on the end of the phone).

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. Grief is so different for us all but tough for everyone.

I suspect your Mum needs a punching bag and you're it. We do tend to be a bit more free with our negative emotions with those we love the most.

I cared for my Dad for over 10 years when my Mum died. They had been married for 60 years. I know full well that if he could have put his hand up and asked to be taken to where she was he would have done so.

I learnt to resent the situation, not my Dad. He didn't want to be living a life without my Mum, getting frailer and finding things difficult to manage - and he didn't want me having to do the things my Mum would have done.

I'm afraid there is no magic way of helping your Mum, she was with your Dad all of her adult life and now she has just the inevitable in front of her, without him.

Just be the listening ear and do your best to let a lot of it go over your head - you have to for your own sake.

I hope the road gets a little smoother for you, I really do.

My sympathies are with you, you ahve lost your father and are having to struggle with your mother's grief, as well as your own.

But all I can do is agree with all the other posters. There is nothing you can do directly to help your mother cope with her grief. All you can do is listen and sooth. In fact the best thing you can do is accept, yourself, that there is nothing you can do, other than be a listening ear and a soothing voice.

It might help you to speak openly to someone about the burden on you, either a councillor, or a friend or family member.

You can only sit quietly with her and perhaps hold her hand.. I wouldn't try to make any interventions at all.

I had the same with my mum, she died thirteen years after my dad, those thirteen years were difficult. My brother lived nearer to her and visited regularly but I always felt that I wasn't doing enough or if I did it was never quite enough. My daughter said to me once that 'Granny has to take some responsibility for her own life' and I remember it clearly. When or if I'm left on my own, try to live my that and not be too much of a burden to her. It's easier said than done if your health deteriorates but I think we should consider our love ones trying to do the right thing and not make their lives miserable.

The only person that can help your mum is herself, which she seems to be choosing not to do.

When anyone faces a loss, it comes down to choice, to make the best of it, and to manage our grief.

MissAdventure I totally agree and that's what my daughter was saying to me when I was completely conflicted by trying to help my mum.

I'm relieved you agree, Marg75, because I felt I was too harsh, but, well, that's how I feel.

My mum ground me down no end as she aged, and I feel awful about it still.

People have offered such good advice, I've nothing to add except that its possible anti's might help a little, but it's unlikely she'd be open to the idea.

sorry - anti d's.

Well said MissA and easybee too.

And yes - we’ve probably been in the same situation with a parent.
As a widow of almost 4 years myself, I wouldn’t dream of laying my grief on the shoulders of my DDs. They both have their own grief to deal with and lives too full to be bogged down listening to me ‘indulging myself’ in self pity,

No amount of counselling or antidepressants will help with bone crunching grief you just have to live through it . I still am and it's been nearly 21 years. Grief never gets easier you just cope the best you can

Marg75

I had the same with my mum, she died thirteen years after my dad, those thirteen years were difficult. My brother lived nearer to her and visited regularly but I always felt that I wasn't doing enough or if I did it was never quite enough. My daughter said to me once that 'Granny has to take some responsibility for her own life' and I remember it clearly. When or if I'm left on my own, try to live my that and not be too much of a burden to her. It's easier said than done if your health deteriorates but I think we should consider our love ones trying to do the right thing and not make their lives miserable.

Sounds to be good advice to me.
You can’t allow negative feelings to rule your life and your Mum was given so many years to be with her husband until age 91 not many have such happy long marriages.
I would back off a bit and phone every few days maybe. She can always phone you if she needs to.

Well thank you all for your messages and supportive comments

Whiff - it was as if I was listening to mum. And I do completely get it. She is not open to counselling and airing her linen to all and sundry as she puts it and would certainly not countenance anti-depressants .... on these points I agree with her having had my own experiences.

I talk to her every evening - we just call each other to check in and wind down the day's troubles - have been doing so since the lockdowns began although it was for a different reason then. Mostly she ends up apologizing for loading her troubles on to me so she is conscious of the burden it may put on me ... but there is no one else she can talk to. Being widowed so late in life she has outlived most of her family and even her best friend and of course my dad. My brother and my nephew do some of the practical running about for her and I do the emotional support and a fair amount besides ... being blokes they do not have the patience and are no good at the emotional stuff.

Mum would agree with you all that there is nothing I can do to help, and frequently tells me to stop analyzing her ... so sometimes I do just listen and back off. Just difficult that's all to see someone in turmoil like that and not be able to give solace.

However, it is good to know that my experience is not unusual and I should stop trying so hard to make it 'better'.

Has she got a pet? Would a cat be company and something to care for? Not a young cat but one who has lost its owner?
Your question was how can I help my mum? And anyone reading through all the excellent replies and in the same situation must have gained so much good advice. When Gransnet is good it is very very good.

As you say OP you can't make it better. No one can. But you are being a very caring daughter.