Recently bereaved

RdnLynn there is always so much to do immediately after the death of a loved one your mind is in a whirl. So much paperwork you don't have time to grief properly plus it seems like living in a nightmare that you can't wake up from . So many decisions to make and people want answers now. I know that's how it was for me you may be different. I remember wanting to scream and shut the world out but couldn't. On 6th it will be 21 years since my husband died. Everything for you is very raw . Even though I told my husband to stop struggling as he couldn't breath on full oxygen and was unconscious. I lay out the bed by him looked at the children and told him to stop we would be ok. He died few minutes later. But in my experience there is never an ok .

I hated the lull between the frenzy of sorting the paperwork and the funeral. Some people saw the funeral as the end but for me it was the beginning of knowing I would be on my own for the rest of my life . And that frightened me I was 45 my husband died 4 days after his 47th birthday. Yesterday he would have been 68th. Today is the anniversary of our first date 50 years ago. I still remember it as if it was yesterday.

Hopefully this will make you smile I had never been a pub before I was 16 he was 18 . I did drink but at home with my parents . I remember having a brandy and babycham he had a pint . This was 1975 remember a pint was 17p no idea how much my drink was. We went for a walk in the rain . Then he needed the loo . And left me standing outside a graveyard in the pitch black . Not that I wanted to stand there but he said wait will only be a minute. Like a fool I did but at 16 it was my first date. I had lot of boys who where friends and went out as a gang but this was my first date. Little did I know we would have 29 years together married 22. I thought with my health problems he would dump me after a couple of weeks but nothing phased him .

For you I would say talk out loud to your other half I have been doing everyday and it gives me comfort. You are probably feeling half of you is missing as together you made a whole . This is just my experience but to this day I still feel half of me is missing . But learnt to live with it.

You will be going through all the stages of grief but they hit in your own time . The rage and anger I still feel over my fit healthy husband getting cancer and dieing gets me through everyday day . I have shouted at him for leaving me ,swore at him ,shared all my problems ,raged this wouldn't have happened if you had been here ,shouted this shouldn't be my life but it makes me feel better then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better now and I do .

In experience grief never gets easier as the years go by it gets worse you just learn to cope but it can still overwhelm me even now.

Everything is raw for you and you have to face all the decisions on your own and all the firsts and that's going to feel like you are being crushed at times. As I have often said grief is the heavy price for loving and being loved in return . Finding that one person who makes you whole the only person who knows the real you and you them . And that is so precious and some people live their whole lives and never have that. It's why it hurts us so much when our other have dies.

I hope you have someone to talk to but the only person who will really understand is someone going through what you are . Someone who still has their partner or spouse doesn't understand. They think they do but they don't. To be honest that's why I write on these threads hopefully to help people but it helps me . Which sounds selfish . But it's better than having all these thoughts whirling around in my head.

Usually I am ok on what would have been my husband's birthday yesterday but I just crumbled and sobbed . But felt better . But I am one of those people who analyse things and think I haven't still recovered from my week spilt between 2 hospital from 6th to 13th January. When they thought I had had a heart attack but that was ruled out and think I had a TIA.

Please take time for yourself to grieve don't hold your feelings in or you will hurt yourself and your other half wouldn't want you to do that . 💐

I’m very sorry for your loss June. My partner (boyfriend) of 25 years passed away on Jan. 7th. I think it’s just now sinking in. I hope that you can find someone local to talk to. Please reach out if you would like to chat.
Robin

The death of the other half of you is hard enough to cope with. You go from being a couple to single in a second. And is horrible and all you want to do is curl into a ball and shut out the world. I hate being classed as single as to me I will always be married. I still have a husband even though he died.
Death of the other half of yourself is hard enough but you can't catch your breath before you have to deal with the formalities of death.

Grief causes physical and mental pain . You cry that much your eyes get sore and your chest hurts . You eat but lose weight ,there is so much paperwork ,people to inform and decisions to make . Even with help it's still all down to you to make all the final decisions. It's madness for a week or 2 then comes the lull between everything being in the hands of the solicitor and waiting for the funeral.

Your own grief is bone crushing but then you have to help your children and other loved ones with theirs and you don't want to . Endless cups of tea and asking are you alright. I wanted to scream leave me alone but couldn't.

It will be 21 years next month since the love of my life died. You think at the beginning of your grief it can't get any worse than this but in my experience it does. I have only been half a person since he took his last breath and I had to tell him to stop struggling he couldn't breath on full oxygen he died within minutes .

In a way we where lucky we always knew he wouldn't live 5 years. But he never wanted anyone to know apart from me and the children. As in his words he didn't want to be treated like a death man walking. He couldn't have stood looks and pity. Our children weren't little when we told them 17 and 13 their dad was going to died. Still remember clearly holding eachother while they cried holding back our own tears.

We lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over us. But it was very important to my husband we lived a normal life but there is no such thing as normal but you know what I mean.

When the sword dropped October 2003 it shocked us to the core and he was given 4 months to 2 years. And telling the children was so hard . But telling others was worse . I had to threaten my parents if they treated him differently or ask how he was he wouldn't see them . My parents and all my family loved him so much . His own mother just said oh and never shed a tear not them or after he died . Infact she denied she ever had a son or had 2 grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings. But at least she behaved the way she always had his whole life like his dad had treated him until he died in 1988.

My husband at Christmas said he wanted to reach his birthday beginning of February we promised we would get him there and we did he died 4 days after his 47th birthday at home with me and the children.

Nothing can prepare you for the grief and it's a pain in my experience that only gets worse as the years go by over time and I don't mean months but years you learn to cope.

But never hold your grief in as you will only hurt yourself. I foolishly thought I had to be be brave for everyone else but I was 45 I knew nothing about real bone crushing heart wrenching pain grief causes. Nothing prepares you for the feelings that wash over you . I thought I had to hold my feelings in until I went to bed worse thing I did.

You have to let yourself feel every stage of grief including the rage and anger at your loved one dieing and leaving you alone . I still feel that rage and anger everyday but I use it to get me through everyday .

Never let anyone or anything stop you from feeling how you feel or how you cope with your grief. Unless you turn to alcohol or drugs . They won't help. I didn't turn to either. The ironic thing is my husband was the fit healthy one but he got grade 4 malignant melanoma and me I was born disabled and found out nearly 5 years ago with a small hole in the side of my heart.

I have screamed ,shouted ,swore and blamed my husband for dieing and leaving me. But I have talked out loud to him everyday since he died it gives me comfort and you have to find what gives you comfort. And never let anyone make you feel you should move on. Someone said that to me in the early years I asked move on to what ? They didn't answer .

I can't say to the newly bereaved it will get better as in my experience it doesn't but you will learn to cope but it takes years not months . I still hate the empty side of the bed . In the early years I knew if I had a bad night as I woke up on my husband's side of the bed.

I remember not wanting to wash ,brush my teeth and get dressed but had to because I would have let him down . He was a wise man and knew what I needed to live without him and it was a series of promises which I have kept to this day . But the main one was live the best life you can and since I moved here in 2019 I do but couldn't before that .

You are not alone but only someone who's other half has died understands your grief . Some people think counselling is the answer and it may help some . But not me . I have a friend who is a counsellor her husband died 2 years ago she now realises she can't even help herself with her grief . Some people find comfort in religion but at the end of the day you are alone . But I find writing down how I feel helps and hopefully help one person to realise what they feel is right for them . Grief has no rules, no time frame and in my experience no end . But I would be lost without my grief because I loved and was loved in return by the only person in the world who knew the real me and me him . Grief like this is the heavy price we pay for such love . Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves as much as it hurts we are the lucky ones we know what such love feels like that's why it hurts so much when it's gone .

Hi Junie ,
First of all I'm very sorry .
Grief is so painful.
Take your time .
Do things which please you .
Don't be bullied by people telling you what to do .
I'll pray for you .
Take great care and God Bless .
Esmay 💐

Hi Julie, I lost my partner just before Christmas too so know how you feel. An incredible amount of organisation to do especially hard when you are alone. I’ve managed to do most of it now if you need any help or advice please message me x

So sorry for your loss. My husband passed in August this year and I have no family of my own so I know how you feel. Take care of yourself and take one day at a time.

You have friends here Junie1 , day and night. .
🌸🌸🌸
Xxx

Sorry for your loss

I am so sorry for your loss

It’s very sad Junie1 to hear how you are totally alone in a new neighbourhood too. Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of you husband. They say time heals but until then you will feel raw. Day by day, dear lady.

Ooops of not off! Sorry x

I’m saddened and sorry about your loss.

Please stay in touch on here and maybe take some comfort that we are all thinking off you and stay in touch whenever you feel like it.

Sending hugs virtual hugs. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

So sorry to hear your news Junie - sending you hugs x

So sorry you are alone in your loss.
If you need practical help, I started a thread under Ask a Gran, call After bereavement- practical advice, which you may find useful.

If your husband died in hospital Junie you could probably talk to the Chaplaincy Service (if they have one).. or even one of your neighbours.. people really step up in these situations IME

Dear June, This must be so hard for you. I don't know how old you are but Age Concern are very helpful and would be able to give you advice and help. UK.Gov and the Citizen's Advice website are among the places where you can get advice regarding who to contact after a bereavement. If you need to call banks, fuel suppliers etc. always ask for the Bereavement Department. Mention your situation to everyone and people will generally be very kind.

Junie - I am sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Junie. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone. While it may feel overwhelming right now, there are support groups and services that can help you through this difficult time. Reaching out to local community centers, grief support groups, or even online communities can be a good first step. Please take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to seek help when you're ready.

So sorry Junie, thinking of you.

I'm so sorry. Will be thinking about you xx

junie1

Thanks so much all of you.
We live in north wales.
We did not locate from the USA, that is where are friends moved to. We just had each other, when he got ill I cared for him for 2 years, before that I cared for my mum for 6 years.

You are all wonderful
Thanks so so much
Junie xx

Junie1, Like others, I am so sorry. I was widowed over four years ago and your post reminded me of that desperate feeling when you realise you are all alone.
I am not going to say it gets better, (although it does calm down as time goes by) but you do learn to cope. I thought I never would, but I have. It is sheer hell on earth at first but you need to take a deep breath and focus on staying sane. Don’t worry about all that needs to be done. It will get done, honestly. Do one bit at a time. As each day passes, your head will clear a little.
You have done the right thing coming on here. You can talk, rant, cry and be as upset as you need to be and someone will be there to put a gentle hand out to you. It always amazes me that, no matter what time you post, even at 3am or thereabouts, someone is always awake and on here.
A big hug to you from me.

juniel you are not alone in feeling as you do . I hope you do have someone to help with all the paperwork. I know how much you hurt and the last thing you want to do with the aftermath of the other half of you dieing . You feel all you want to do is curl up in a ball and shut out the world. But unfortunately until it happens you don't realise how much you have to deal with as soon as your loved one dies.

Even though we knew how much time my husband had to live from his diagnosis and then when he was terminal. He wrote lists of who I had to contact as soon as he died and I didn't want to do any of it but had to.

If you are having problems sleeping cuddle something that smells like your husband. Or in my case because of my husband's eczema all the things he used didn't smell.. But he won a cuddly snowman at our GPs raffle so I cuddled that for 8 months .

Whatever you are feeling is normal there is no right or wrong way to grieve. But I be would encourage you to talk out loud to your husband everyday I promise it helps . I have shouted ,swore at my husband blamed him for dieing and leaving me alone . But then I see him with that stupid grin on his face .

Grief not only hurts mentally but physically. You cry that much your eyes are sore and your chest hurts . I would never want to do what I did . I thought I had to be brave for everyone else and held my grief in until bedtime . I was a fool but what did I know about bone crushing grief at 45. No one expected me to be brave but it took me years before I realised that.

I still remember having to force myself to have a wash and brush my teeth and hair . As I didn't see the point but had to . Maybe you feel that way but it's all part of grief.

When McMillan calls don't try and be brave they expect you to cry . They will help you through everything. And they have a check list of things to do and in what order.

Keep posting how you feel as it's better to write it down than let it fester inside . Nothing I can say will make you feel better just know you are not alone. 💐

@junie1 so very sorry. Do you have any good friends from before whom you could contact at this time?
But you are not alone, I don't know much about organising everything, the nuts and bolts of it, but hopefully someone on here will have experience to pass on.
Wishing you strength xxxx

Junie1. Sending you love and a big hug. So very sorry you are alone at this time. Losing your husband is truly devastating. Please do keep in touch on Gransnet as we will be here for you. Much love xxx

junie1 please accept my sincere condolences. Please keep in touch, there will be so much support on here. Much love xxx