Upsetting why do people put items in a coffin with a deceased person?

chocolatepudding

Thank you everyone for your kindness and your interesting comments for me.

To be honest I now feel that MIL was being a hypocrite at the time.
When our DD was born 3 months after our wedding MIL came into the maternity ward and shouted at us. The disgrace we had brought to the family name, what were the neighbours going to say and what were the WI ladies going to say. I was in floods of tears and she walked out without looking at our DD. Whilst we had a relationship over the next 7 months things were strained at times. Our DD died just before Christmas which makes things even more difficult for us.

Thank you again fir your kind comments.

Given her unkind behaviour towards you, comfort yourself that the item was not hers. As much as she put on a display and you may not know whether it was for appearance or genuine shame at her own behaviour, perhaps her own mother would have welcomed a great granddaughter as she deserved to be and treated you better.

Reubenblue

I put my sons first little teddy bear in his coffin, despite the fact he was twenty four, he’d taken it with him on his travels so thought he’d want it on his next adventure.

💕💕

NotSpaghetti

chocolatepudding I would not have liked my mother-in-law to assume she could just go ahead and do that. I would have felt that something was being taken away from me by someone who was not the mother.

If she had said to you "I have a piece of jewellery which has been in the family for many years now and which would have been hers one day ... I wonder if you might like to put it with her as a small token of the love we feel for her?"
You might have thought differently about it . Who knows.

If I wanted to do this (as a mother-in-law) I would maybe give the jewellery to my daughter-in-law and say "this is entirely your choice and I don't need to know the decision you make".

I think giving the right to choose how to see their way through the grief to the person most affected by it is really important.
I cannot believe the pain of having your baby die.
40 years is a long time but this is obviously still very raw. 💐

I completely agree with everything in this post

Because this helps those left behind deal with grief.

I’m truly sorry chocolatepudding about your darling daughter

chocolatepudding I would not have liked my mother-in-law to assume she could just go ahead and do that. I would have felt that something was being taken away from me by someone who was not the mother.

If she had said to you "I have a piece of jewellery which has been in the family for many years now and which would have been hers one day ... I wonder if you might like to put it with her as a small token of the love we feel for her?"
You might have thought differently about it . Who knows.

If I wanted to do this (as a mother-in-law) I would maybe give the jewellery to my daughter-in-law and say "this is entirely your choice and I don't need to know the decision you make".

I think giving the right to choose how to see their way through the grief to the person most affected by it is really important.
I cannot believe the pain of having your baby die.
40 years is a long time but this is obviously still very raw. 💐

Do you think your MIL felt guilty about her reaction to your daughter’s birth and the gesture was a way of absolving herself of what had been, imo, a grievous wrongdoing? I can understand why her action angered you. I hope that the comments on this thread have helped you in some way.

I put my sons first little teddy bear in his coffin, despite the fact he was twenty four, he’d taken it with him on his travels so thought he’d want it on his next adventure.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and your interesting comments for me.

To be honest I now feel that MIL was being a hypocrite at the time.
When our DD was born 3 months after our wedding MIL came into the maternity ward and shouted at us. The disgrace we had brought to the family name, what were the neighbours going to say and what were the WI ladies going to say. I was in floods of tears and she walked out without looking at our DD. Whilst we had a relationship over the next 7 months things were strained at times. Our DD died just before Christmas which makes things even more difficult for us.

Thank you again fir your kind comments.

ViceVersa

Everyone deals with death differently. It's not something I've done, but if it brings someone even a small measure of comfort, then surely it's a good thing?

👏👏👏👏

My mother gave me her engagement and wedding rings, also her mother’s engagement ring, well before she died. They wouldn’t go on her arthritic fingers any more anyway. I think it would have been sad to cremate them with her. I treasure them, and wear them regularly.

Grief is rather complex, your loss was a devastation. Sometimes the mind cannot entertain these very difficult emotions and will grasp onto something else instead to avoid feeling them. It's not unusual, many people find themselves seemingly able to cope with terrible stress but falling apart over little things. The gesture was offered in goodness of heart, perhaps not everything this person has achieved in the world was good? Even so allow those feelings to come through and out.

Georgesgran

We do it, because we want to.

Exactly. When my son was buried, I put a crucifix into the casket. I'd put it into his hand only minutes after he passed and I felt it was fitting for him to have it with him under the ground. It seems odd to question other people's motives for doing this, particularly when not giving a reason why not...

My knitting group knit hearts in pairs to give to the hospital. The patient keeps one and the other goes to the family.

I go to my parents' grave annually to leave flowers, a few years ago, I bought a garden centre cat and stuck it on top of their grave, a ridiculous gesture on my part. Like me my mother loved cats, madness I know!

My first husband died at home here in Ireland and he stayed home in his coffin for 3 days until the funeral.
The morning of his funeral, my son arrived, fried bacon, made his favourite bacon sandwich and placed it in the coffin.
I'd actually forgotten until I read this thread

My father was secretary of the local working men's club for many many years. Although she club closed some years before he died he kept his membership card in its little leather wallet, I popped it in his jacket pocket in his coffin on the morning of his funeral

I do hope it's not true that jewellery is stolen from bodies, an awful thought

His beloved tweed cap, a handmade stick that he always carried when we went walking, his regimental tie, and GS asked if he could put in a shirt he wore to play for his grassroots football team as DH never missed watching him play no matter what the weather. They were all nicely arranged on and around him. I found it comforting, not strange at all.

So sorry to read about your baby daughter chocolatepudding, desperately sad

M0nica

Whitewavemark2

This has happened ever since we started to ceremonise (is that a word?) death. Most archeological digs of the human remains is dug up accompanied by stuff, be it weapons, jewels, stuff needed in the next life, c boats or favourite pets etc. etc.

People only ceased putting grave goods in coffins with the introduction of Christianity

Christians turned away from grave goods because it contradicted the belief that everything needed in the afterlife was provided by God, rendering material possessions in the grave unnecessary.

Well some utterly half baked, presumably Christian, although a somewhat loose description of Russian mobsters, who have been buried with their luxury cars, the cars not exactly entombed but on top of the grave. Not much difference to an ancient Egyptian being buried with their chariot. .

It is their choice and not for us to reason why. I would like "Y Ddraig Goch " the Welsh banner in or on my coffin.

My mother never took her wedding ring off and so it was buried with her. If someone stole it afterwards that is between them and their conscience. I had no reason to take it off. I didn’t put anything else with her because I saw no need to and I do agree with the OP that her MiL was out of order. However I like the practice of putting something in if you want to.

Luckygirl3

People do whatever gets them through and it is different for everyone.

My DDs asked for my OH to be dressed in his favourite clothes - a wine velvet jacket in particular. I was not happy about it - I thought it was a waste of some lovely clothes that I would like to have kept - but it meant a lot to them so I went along with it.

For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing.

murraymints65

My son died suddenly and on the day I had bought him a Spit Fire areoplane magazine, he never got to read it so I put it in his coffin.

I think that’s lovely. So sorry for your loss though.

Whitewavemark2

This has happened ever since we started to ceremonise (is that a word?) death. Most archeological digs of the human remains is dug up accompanied by stuff, be it weapons, jewels, stuff needed in the next life, c boats or favourite pets etc. etc.

People only ceased putting grave goods in coffins with the introduction of Christianity

Christians turned away from grave goods because it contradicted the belief that everything needed in the afterlife was provided by God, rendering material possessions in the grave unnecessary.

There's nothing wrong with it at all. My father served in WW11 and he wanted his jacket in his coffin. My grandma had a photo of her much loved husband who had died before her.

Losig a child must have been a terrible thing. I'm sorry this is still bothering you after all these years.

I think people out precious items in the coffins because no matter no financial or material value of some things, the loss of a loved one is worth far more than any earthly treasure.

We would know so much less about the past if people hadn't have done this since time out of mind.

However, if a body isto be cremated I really don't see the point as they will be taken out of the coffin anyway.