How long should tributes remain ?

Babs03

Can’t be sure but don’t think people left tributes back in the day. At least I don’t remember flowers and mementoes being left at the side of a road where a fatality took place or outside a house or building where someone had died tragically.
Perhaps it started with Diana.

I think you’re right, and it seems to have got out of hand now.
There’s a street near me where flowers are constantly taped to a lamp post and stay there rotting until the council or neighbours clear them away, it’s gone on for years and isn’t the right spot for commemorating a person’s death. If it were my friend or relative I may buy flowers for the house and light a candle next to them.
Piling flowers on a bench is even worse.

Where I live the Council has tried to dissuade people from donating memorial benches as not only is the large local park festooned with them but I'm afraid the local yobs often invade the park at night to do damage.

The council parks dept has to decide whether to repair them or dispose of them if the damage is too much. They seem to be donated, installed and forgotten - then the council has the responsibility for them.

It's the same when flowers, usually left by the scene of an accident wrapped in cellophane are left to turn into a rotting heap.

vickymeldrew

Our local park has recently had a tarmac perimeter path installed. Around a dozen commemorative benches have been placed along the walkway. Each bench has an engraved plaque in memory of a loved one.
All very welcome, well used and a great asset to the park.
However, one of these benches has been turned into a shrine to a young man who sadly died. It is always tastefully decorated with flowers, letters and sometimes balloons.

Of course this is a very delicate subject and I hesitate to even mention it, but I am increasingly uncomfortable with this . It has been 12 months now that the bench has been decorated and therefore it is not possible to use the bench as a seat. is it time that the adornments are removed ?
Am I being totally insensitive and out of order? I have to say the other benches installed at the same time are not decorated in the same way.

I feel your user name is very appropriate!

I confess I don't like them. A bench or tree is fine but the dolls/flowers/teddies impinge so heavily on other people...
They are just so public and sadly quickly look like just a different sort of rubbish.... I know that's not the intention.

My grief is in my heart. It is my grief and not a repeated public display of my pain.

Surely, there would be conditions attached to having a memorial of any kind in a park. I know my crematorium and local parks have benches with plaques but they are not allowed to be covered in tributes of any kind. What does happen is that small floral tributes are laid on the ground at, I would guess, the anniversary of loss. A plaque on the bench is surely the memorial.

There is a road sign by me on a busy junction where a fifteen year old boy was knocked down and killed. There is always a token left there with his photo, birthdays, Christmas important days to his family a huge floral tribute is there. . It makes me fill up each time I walk by and usually have a tear in my eyes after all these years he is very much in the heart of his family, I don't think a mother will ever get over such a tragedy. My d doesn't want anything you do with me and after 10 years that loss has never left me but she is alive and has a family. I understand why it's necessary to that boy's mother and it reminds all of us how brief life can be. I wouldn't want to commemorate in that way, I had a tree planted in my husbands name in National Forest, the name tag and dedication will soon be gone as the tree is much bigger now after 20 years.

I looked into a bench for my parents many years ago.
The only decoration allowed was the plaque which the council produced. There was a time limit on how long the bench was maintained. It wasn't very long.

My mother-in-law has asked for a tree in her local park instead. You can have a little sign at the base. The tree will also have a limited "lifespan" as they are not allowing oaks (for example).

ReadyMeals I am an atheist so don't believe in any god , afterlife or soul . My husband lives in in my heart and mind and in the DNA of our children and 5 grandson's. And I never want to let go of him . The rage and anger I feel over him dieing makes me fight everyday to keep going . He made me promise a series of promises the main one is live the best life I can and I do since I moved here. Been 21 years since he died and my grief gets worse every year as he has missed so much . But I learnt to cope but the grief can still overwhelm me at the oddest times. Everyone has their own to cope with their grief there are no rules . So if people need to leave things on benches ,roadsides etc if it helps then cope so be it

Who maintains the donated benches?

They need upkeep surely, re-varnishing and so on.

I don’t imagine it’s the council’s responsibility if they didn’t install them.

That's a lovely idea arum.

In my favourite holiday town in South Africa, there is a lovely coastal path, some cement paths, stretching over a distance of some 20km. There is a variety of tiles that one can purchase, decorated with one's own design and memory text, to be fitted in the cement. Many are dedicated to friends and family who have passed away, others to pets.

A friend lived in a house where a young man had died in a road accident on the road outside. Every year 4 cans of lager appeared on the garden wall and remained until they were presumably picked up by a thirsty passerby.
My friend never touched them ..
this all stopped during covid times.

Franski

I suppose if the bereaved family bought the bench then its their prerogative to use it as a shrine vs a place to sit. It's not my thing but I am very sympathetic towards the families who find it helps them grieve x

Yes absolutely this is normally the case, the family donate the bench, so it is theirs to do with what they like.

Usedtobeblonde

How long does severe grief long?
How long is a piece of string.
Some time ago I went to a lunch my friend was involved with organising so I sat with a friend of a friend of hers.
Lovely attractive lady but her sole topic of conversation was about her S dying from MND, a really awful disease. He was in his 40’s.
I listened very sympathetically and hope I said the right thing.
Very recently my friend held a coffee morning with a raffle etc to raise funds for the MND charity for the lady concerned.
It was very successful, several Hundreds of pounds being raised.
The mother was asked to speak about the illness and her S.
She just broke down and couldn’t continue.
Then it was revealed that her S died 18 years ago.
Do some people never ever recover, what is your experience?

There is NO RECOVERY when you lose a child, you learn to live with it and life eventually goes on, but recover never.

I suppose if the bereaved family bought the bench then its their prerogative to use it as a shrine vs a place to sit. It's not my thing but I am very sympathetic towards the families who find it helps them grieve x

Adeline. That is a beautiful way to remember a loved one.

I don't think there are any official rules about the timespan of "shrines" in public places, which makes the whole thing very sensitive. Obviously, it's a sensitive matter and nobody wants to upset bereaved people. However, when a public facility such as a bench is taken up with flowers & mementos, it might be a good idea for the council to suggest a timeline after which they should be removed. Presumably the person they're commemorating was either buried or cremated, in which case there will be a final resting place for everyone to visit.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-50237052

This is the piece about the Edinburgh benches. The council will only care for the benches for 20 years.

I was once told by a spiritualist that the soul can't progress in the afterlife until the people left behind have let go of the deceased. I can't help wondering if constantly commemorating their death counts as not letting go. Maybe once a year on their birthday might not do any harm.

There was a stooshie a few years ago when Edinburgh Council removed dedicated benches from Princes St Gardens to make way for some funfair or other.

What a really lovely memorial to your DD chocolatepudding

silverlining48 A young person died over fifteen years ago on a dangerous steep bend I often use. The plaque on the lamp post has recently removed. It was doing no harm and I thought of the person every time I saw it and took care of the bend.
Regarding the seat of the young person, let the family grieve, it was their DC. If it were me, I would walk on and think of the suffering family.

We first noticed flowers on the roadside for people who had died in road accidents years ago while driving in Europe. It was not common then here, but has become more so now.
There was an accident near here a couple if years ago and I have seen who I assume is the young man’s mother sitting in a chair by the road , in all weathers, surrounded by flowers, it’s heartbreaking to witness. The shrine is slowly getting smaller now.
If there are other benches to sit on then I would use them, because 12 months is no time at all when grieving a child or anyone else dear to you.
As someone said if the family provide the bench they would see it as ‘theirs’ and somewhere to go to remember their loved one.
Along the coast here in the SE the benches along the front are often decorated with flowers and soft toys. In remembrance.

I'm with you. There is a lamppost on our main road that is covered in Teddy bears plastic flowers,dead flowers(as never removed) A lady had a heart attack at that lamppost and later died. Tributes are tied to post every year and never removed. Lady died over 30 years ago...

It seems strange for a family to donate a bench then make it impossible to sit on it. Couldn’t the tributes be moved to the sides?

I know there are rules about things left on graves and I sometimes think those rules are broken in our chuchyard. I'm guessing if a family have put a bench with a plaque somewhere they will feel they have ownership of it so it is difficult. If the other benches are available to sit on I would let it go. Everyone grieves in their own way and for as long as they need. Losing a young person must be especially hard but I don't have that experience so who am I to judge.