How long should tributes remain ?

I think it is a lovely way to remember someone but where we live there are numerous benches around a local park dedicated to loved ones and they are regularly decorated with flowers, candles, cuddly toys, and even photos for many years after they have died. Obviously nobody wants to sit on a shrine.

I must say that as a bench is designed for sitting it doesn't seem entirely appropriate to make it impossible for people to sit on it.

A couple of streets away from my house is a lamp post which is always decorated with bunches of fake flowers. It marks the spot where a young cyclist died. The thing is, he died several years ago and the flowers have marked the spot ever since. Occasionally a bunch or two are replaced. It just seems odd to me to keep commemorating the place where someone died. IT would be like me visiting the hospital room where my husband died. I would rather have something the deceased enjoyed as a memorial.

Strangely the council has rules about leaving toys/candles/other mementoes on graves but seems ok about benches.

Correction - rules about not leaving toys/candles....

In our village we have a bench by the river which is dedicated to memorials. It has brass plaques with a name and a short dedication. It often has flowers etc on it. But everyone seems to just use that and not the other benches.

It doesn’t seem appropriate to me. A plaque should be sufficient.

Near us is a grass patch where a young man died in a car crash 30+ years ago. His family must have planted them but a host of crocuses bloom every spring and remind us of the poor lad. That's a lovely memorial.

If it brings the family and friends comfort to decorate the bench then it's absolutely fine. And I can tell you from my own experience, twelve months is like the blink of an eye when it comes to the death of one's child.
Let the family find peace in their own way.
Sit on a different bench.
It's not my way, but it is that family' s way of coping.

Aveline

Near us is a grass patch where a young man died in a car crash 30+ years ago. His family must have planted them but a host of crocuses bloom every spring and remind us of the poor lad. That's a lovely memorial.

Sensitive and sensible Aveline.

Can’t be sure but don’t think people left tributes back in the day. At least I don’t remember flowers and mementoes being left at the side of a road where a fatality took place or outside a house or building where someone had died tragically.
Perhaps it started with Diana.

Am not against it btw I think can be good to show an outpouring of grief.

Let the family find peace in their own way I agree Aldom.

I ask this in a gentle way. Are people using benches, lamp posts etc because the person was cremated and
the ashes scattered or kept at home. Therefore no place in a cemetery to lay flowers or other tributes?? Years ago most people had a grave due to burial, then plots were allocated for those who had ashes, but with many people not doing either, it could be why.

How long does severe grief long?
How long is a piece of string.
Some time ago I went to a lunch my friend was involved with organising so I sat with a friend of a friend of hers.
Lovely attractive lady but her sole topic of conversation was about her S dying from MND, a really awful disease. He was in his 40’s.
I listened very sympathetically and hope I said the right thing.
Very recently my friend held a coffee morning with a raffle etc to raise funds for the MND charity for the lady concerned.
It was very successful, several Hundreds of pounds being raised.
The mother was asked to speak about the illness and her S.
She just broke down and couldn’t continue.
Then it was revealed that her S died 18 years ago.
Do some people never ever recover, what is your experience?

Leave them to grieve. There was a bench near me that was the same and lit up with fairly lights at night. Now it is bare and the lights have long gone out...

For the past 25 years, on my regular drive to my daughter’s house, there’s a bridge, the side walls of which are always filled with blue rosettes. Apparently, a young lad was killed while crossing the road. He has certainly not been forgotten. There are always clean , fresh blue rosettes, about 25, minimum.

Dressing benches and lamp posts is something I recognize people do in memory of a loved one. It is not something I would do though. People I have loved that have died are always in my heart and thoughts , I don't need a visual reminder of them or of their place of death. At the risk of sounding harsh a bench is for people to sit on and is not a place of remembrance.

When on holiday, I always read the plaques on memorial benches, then sit on said bench to enjoy the view that many of them commented on ‘our favourite place in the world’ or similar.

As Shelflife said, it sounds harsh, but that is why the benches have been installed, for people to sit on.

Some flowers on the anniversary or birthday, yes, but not so many that the seat can’t be used.

What if every bench was full and not able to be used?

I like the sound of the crocus memorial Aveline.
Near us, a young man lost his life in a car crash at a new roundabout. The spot where he died was quickly adorned with flowers both real and fake. After some months the Council removed them citing road safety. It was a distraction.

The seat which is covered with floral tributes seems OTT to me and defeats the purpose of both the seat and the tribute.

I notice that even in cemeteries, the flowers are removed from time to time. Aren't cemeteries the right place for memorials?

Our DD1 died suddenly age 7 months back in the 1970s. She was cremated and her ashes were spread at the crematorium. We did not know where we would be moving to once DH finished his university studies.

Some years later we bought a half acre size island in East Anglia up the river from our home and we planted 300 native trees. A few years later I bought 100 snowdrops in the green and planted them on the island. Over the years I have lifted and divided the clumps of snowdrops many times and now we have thousands of them blooming all in memory of our daughter.

We have a problem with the public footpath which runs along one riverside of the island. People will leave the footpath and trample all over the flowers and pick them or even dig them up! I try to be polite and ask them to stay on the footpath.

That’s a lovely, living memorial to your daughter chocolatepudding.

🌿

There is no time limit on grief. If it gives people comfort to leave tributes then they should be able to without criticism. In my experience the grief I feel for my husband gets worse as the years go by and it's been 21 years now. I get my comfort from talking out loud to him everyday even when out . But that's me . We all have ways to help us cope . There are no rules for grief and until you feel bone crushing grief you don't understand what others are going through especially if the person who died was young and especially if it was a child .

For Ever.

I know there are rules about things left on graves and I sometimes think those rules are broken in our chuchyard. I'm guessing if a family have put a bench with a plaque somewhere they will feel they have ownership of it so it is difficult. If the other benches are available to sit on I would let it go. Everyone grieves in their own way and for as long as they need. Losing a young person must be especially hard but I don't have that experience so who am I to judge.