widow of a suicide: advice please

Please aporoach her and offer your support. Don't be afraid of doing that-she needs to know you care.

PS Enjoy your hols OP x

Absolutely don’t avoid her or stop speaking.

Condolence note through door, with an invite across for a cuppa and cake whenever she feels ready

Thank you all for your thoughtful, and very similar responses! I am on may way out today to find a card and will drop it off in her mailbox and suggest a dog walk if and when she is ready. I will also leave all my contact information on the card. We are off on vacation next week until the end of July and I will touch base with her again as I think it will be so much easier after the first approach. Many thanks, you are a kind group of wise folk!

Mt61

Kate1949

When my brother took his own life, people crossed the if they saw us. I realise that was because they didn't know what to say but it was hurtful. I agree with putting a note through her door.

We had the same kate1949, my sister’s friends would cross over the road. I found out later, it was because they didn’t know what to say.

A bereaved friend once told me that when she lost her husband, people often, understandably, didn’t know what to say. She said one particular comment to her was just the right thing and did help her.
The comment was, ‘I have no idea what to say to you except that I am so sorry. He was such a lovely man.’
I think that sounds ideal, sincere, short and hopefully not enough to bring on tears.

So sorry for your loss.Vito

The hardest thing for me when my daughter died was people crossing the road to avoid me, also not acknowledging her death when I spoke to them. One lady who I hardly knew, crossed a road to say how deeply sorry she was to hear of my loss. Her kindness and warmth shone through, I was so touched and grateful. As others have said, a note through the door would be kind and mean more than you can imagine.

Ohmother

Look at the support group SOBS uk. They have information for family and friends and how to support. Actually DO something rather than say “If I can do anything…” because a bereaved spouse/parent can’t actually think straight as to what they need when they are in so much shock. Bake/cook something and turn up physically with it for her to put the kettle on for a cuppa. Be honest and tell her that you can’t find the words. She won’t need your words; she’ll need your presence. What a lovely person you are for caring

This 100%

Kate1949

When my brother took his own life, people crossed the if they saw us. I realise that was because they didn't know what to say but it was hurtful. I agree with putting a note through her door.

We had the same kate1949, my sister’s friends would cross over the road. I found out later, it was because they didn’t know what to say.

Look at the support group SOBS uk. They have information for family and friends and how to support. Actually DO something rather than say “If I can do anything…” because a bereaved spouse/parent can’t actually think straight as to what they need when they are in so much shock. Bake/cook something and turn up physically with it for her to put the kettle on for a cuppa. Be honest and tell her that you can’t find the words. She won’t need your words; she’ll need your presence. What a lovely person you are for caring

Send her a condolence card and tell her you are thinking of her and should she want to ‘escape’ you are there for her. Suggest you take your dogs out together perhaps. She might just like a listening ear and a bit of company who isn’t family. I hope all this makes sense OP.

A note through the door, or knock and take a home baked cake, invite her to coffee , show your sympathy, listen when she wants to talk about her husband - anything but at all costs do not let your embarrassment stop you greeting her, communicating with her, being there to listen to her.

And bear in mind that people may expect her to be sad, but in fact she may be very angry, and thats not often "acceptable"

fancythat

When I happened across a woman whose DH had committed suicide a couple of weeks earlier, all she talked about was ways in which she was going to move forward.

I presumed she must be bottling things up and would have a mental crash at some point. But she didnt. In fact, she got married almost exactly a year later. And is still with him, as far as I am aware.

My point really is, I think as people are different , so are the ways they react, different.

I would try a note through the door in the first instance. And see what happens.

Yes, this.

I agree Oreo. A note first and then take it from there as the bereaved lady wishes.

I would pop a card through the door and offer condolences in person if I saw her.
BTW I was reprimanded by a poster for using the ‘C’ word recently.

Sorry butterandjam as I now see you have said much the same as me.

Kate1949

When my brother took his own life, people crossed the if they saw us. I realise that was because they didn't know what to say but it was hurtful. I agree with putting a note through her door.

A friend of mine recently lost her DH and it was a shock to all.
Being a dear friend naturally I rushed round there and it was appreciated.Later she told me that neighbours came to her door to say they were sorry to hear and so on but she found those calls hard to deal with and wished they had popped a note through or a condolence card.
A good friend or family is one thing, neighbours and acquaintances are another.Talking can be difficult.

Some great advice here.

As others have said, just offer condolences in same way as you would to anyone else who has just lost a loved one. A card with a note offering to be there for her if she wants to go for a walk or chat would be a nice gesture.

You could pop a condolence card through the door
and on it, ask if she feels up to going for a quiet dog walk with you and the dogs. Then add your phone number and email.. Don't forget your name and "Number 3 upstairs"...her head will be all over the place just now. Also, that gives her the option to text or email you, instead of having to answer face to face.

One of the tough things after a bereavement, is meeting people you slightly know who haven't heard the news, and you have to tell them. The condolence card is a way of letting her know nothing needs explaining.

Walking with dogs offers her a comfortable way to focus on nothing much except the dogs. ( being beside you , it's easy to avoid eye contact or having to say much )

For goodness sake don't avoid her. Just ask her how she is and see how it goes. Take it from there.

Ask her if she would like to visit with you. Maybe trust her with your own personal and social circumstances. I find that when I need sympathy and understanding I like to talk to someone who asks me how I feel rather than someone who presumes to know how I feel. Common humanity is a already a bond between you two.

When I happened across a woman whose DH had committed suicide a couple of weeks earlier, all she talked about was ways in which she was going to move forward.

I presumed she must be bottling things up and would have a mental crash at some point. But she didnt. In fact, she got married almost exactly a year later. And is still with him, as far as I am aware.

My point really is, I think as people are different , so are the ways they react, different.

I would try a note through the door in the first instance. And see what happens.

She won't know what to say so speak first if you can when you see her again. Ask her in for a tea or coffee, offer to walk the dogs together. Try not to ask questions but try to let her know you will listen to anything she wants to say. Yes, drop her a note. I can't imagine how awful she must be feeling but I can imagine I would be desperate for human contact if it was me. Sometimes it is easier to 'offload' to a stranger than to a close friend or family member. No preconceived ideas. All of this, of course, only if you feel strong enough in yourself and don't let her grief drag you down. You sound very sensitive and sympathetic to her plight so I am sure you will know the best way forward.