widow of a suicide: advice please

Our dear friend committed suicide, his lovely widow was sick of people avoiding her, it added to her grief.

Talk to her, offer condolences and maybe suggest a dog walk together every now and then.

If you know where she lives then a condolence note through the door?

She would probably want to talk, she’s got a lot on her shoulders, offer her a friendly ‘so sorry to hear etc’ and see where it goes it could make a lot of difference to her state of mind poor lady
Offer her a friendly shoulder

I so agree with Sago. People will definitely avoid her, I think, mainly because they do not know what to say.

I think you need to do more than put a note through her door. Could you invite her out for a dog walk, even if that starts with a note through the letterbox, she will at least reply.

PLEASE, behave as you would if her husband had died in any other way.

Next time you see her, stop her and just say, "I was so sorry to hear of your husband's death. If I can help in any way, do please come and ask."

The very worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Most widows feel they have suddenly become completely invisible, or worse have to deal with tactless remarks, such as the one I received from a now former friend who said, believe it or not, "of course your husband did lead a hard life, smoking as much as he did"

As he did not die of lung cancer I felt she could have buttoned her lip!

When my brother took his own life, people crossed the if they saw us. I realise that was because they didn't know what to say but it was hurtful. I agree with putting a note through her door.

A husband committing suicide is bad enough, so please don’t stop talking to her.
In your position, I would ask her to come for coffee. Her response will guide you as to future contact.
I was widowed (though not by suicide) but I would have been heartbroken if things changed with friends and acquaintances because of it.

She won't know what to say so speak first if you can when you see her again. Ask her in for a tea or coffee, offer to walk the dogs together. Try not to ask questions but try to let her know you will listen to anything she wants to say. Yes, drop her a note. I can't imagine how awful she must be feeling but I can imagine I would be desperate for human contact if it was me. Sometimes it is easier to 'offload' to a stranger than to a close friend or family member. No preconceived ideas. All of this, of course, only if you feel strong enough in yourself and don't let her grief drag you down. You sound very sensitive and sympathetic to her plight so I am sure you will know the best way forward.

When I happened across a woman whose DH had committed suicide a couple of weeks earlier, all she talked about was ways in which she was going to move forward.

I presumed she must be bottling things up and would have a mental crash at some point. But she didnt. In fact, she got married almost exactly a year later. And is still with him, as far as I am aware.

My point really is, I think as people are different , so are the ways they react, different.

I would try a note through the door in the first instance. And see what happens.

Ask her if she would like to visit with you. Maybe trust her with your own personal and social circumstances. I find that when I need sympathy and understanding I like to talk to someone who asks me how I feel rather than someone who presumes to know how I feel. Common humanity is a already a bond between you two.

For goodness sake don't avoid her. Just ask her how she is and see how it goes. Take it from there.

You could pop a condolence card through the door
and on it, ask if she feels up to going for a quiet dog walk with you and the dogs. Then add your phone number and email.. Don't forget your name and "Number 3 upstairs"...her head will be all over the place just now. Also, that gives her the option to text or email you, instead of having to answer face to face.

One of the tough things after a bereavement, is meeting people you slightly know who haven't heard the news, and you have to tell them. The condolence card is a way of letting her know nothing needs explaining.

Walking with dogs offers her a comfortable way to focus on nothing much except the dogs. ( being beside you , it's easy to avoid eye contact or having to say much )

As others have said, just offer condolences in same way as you would to anyone else who has just lost a loved one. A card with a note offering to be there for her if she wants to go for a walk or chat would be a nice gesture.

Some great advice here.

Kate1949

When my brother took his own life, people crossed the if they saw us. I realise that was because they didn't know what to say but it was hurtful. I agree with putting a note through her door.

A friend of mine recently lost her DH and it was a shock to all.
Being a dear friend naturally I rushed round there and it was appreciated.Later she told me that neighbours came to her door to say they were sorry to hear and so on but she found those calls hard to deal with and wished they had popped a note through or a condolence card.
A good friend or family is one thing, neighbours and acquaintances are another.Talking can be difficult.

Sorry butterandjam as I now see you have said much the same as me.

I would pop a card through the door and offer condolences in person if I saw her.
BTW I was reprimanded by a poster for using the ‘C’ word recently.

I agree Oreo. A note first and then take it from there as the bereaved lady wishes.

fancythat

When I happened across a woman whose DH had committed suicide a couple of weeks earlier, all she talked about was ways in which she was going to move forward.

I presumed she must be bottling things up and would have a mental crash at some point. But she didnt. In fact, she got married almost exactly a year later. And is still with him, as far as I am aware.

My point really is, I think as people are different , so are the ways they react, different.

I would try a note through the door in the first instance. And see what happens.

Yes, this.

And bear in mind that people may expect her to be sad, but in fact she may be very angry, and thats not often "acceptable"

A note through the door, or knock and take a home baked cake, invite her to coffee , show your sympathy, listen when she wants to talk about her husband - anything but at all costs do not let your embarrassment stop you greeting her, communicating with her, being there to listen to her.

Send her a condolence card and tell her you are thinking of her and should she want to ‘escape’ you are there for her. Suggest you take your dogs out together perhaps. She might just like a listening ear and a bit of company who isn’t family. I hope all this makes sense OP.

Look at the support group SOBS uk. They have information for family and friends and how to support. Actually DO something rather than say “If I can do anything…” because a bereaved spouse/parent can’t actually think straight as to what they need when they are in so much shock. Bake/cook something and turn up physically with it for her to put the kettle on for a cuppa. Be honest and tell her that you can’t find the words. She won’t need your words; she’ll need your presence. What a lovely person you are for caring

Kate1949

When my brother took his own life, people crossed the if they saw us. I realise that was because they didn't know what to say but it was hurtful. I agree with putting a note through her door.

We had the same kate1949, my sister’s friends would cross over the road. I found out later, it was because they didn’t know what to say.