Introducing myself

We each grieve in our own ways. For those who say get out around people...when I did that after my husband died, I wanted to flip them off and scream at them. Some of them preached at me. I have some choice words for them that I can't say here. For those who say go to grief counseling or something similar, that didn't work either. I work on being closer to him in the here and now. In fact today would be our 35th anniversary (December 22). He died a month after our 31st anniversary. I miss him as much as I ever did.

I'm working on my inner self. That seems to help me best.

Grammaretto if you have a faith I would say feathers in the garden do count. I know it helped my friend to think of her husband trying out his wings . You use what ever you need to cope with your grief . There are no right or wrong ways grief is different for everyone. For me it's talking to my husband everyday and having a rant at him when I need to . But that's who we where and I still am the same . We both where stubborn and had tempers but we never argued about important things. And we never when to sleep without telling eachother I love you . Still tell him every night when I get into bed .

Davey we believed and I still believe what we do in live is what counts . I have had so called Christians telling me I will burn in the fires of hell because I am an atheist. If that's Christianity you can keep it. I informed them as I don't believe in god or heaven I don't believe in a devil or hell. But I will burn when I am cremated. I really don't understand why people are so bothered I am an atheist. I don't say they are wrong to have a faith but they think they have the right to say vile things to me because I have none.

I see me husband in my heart and mind . I last saw him in the flesh when he died . His ashes are in my wardrobe. Who he was lives on in our children's and grandsons DNA. And that makes me happy . We will never be together again . We had 29 years as a couple and married 22. He was the other half of me and me his . I lost half of me when he died but because of him and the love I still have for him and I promise him lot of things he was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live without. But only could do the main one the last 6 years and that's to live the best life I can. Think I have already said I use the rage and anger of him dieing to get me through everyday and to live my life to the full . Before I existed I don't anymore.

I help people if I can with my experiences I have had to face in my life . One life is good enough for me and the time we had is precious. That will end when I die .

Davey never think you failed your partner you where eachothers other half and you found eachother. Some people live their whole lives and never have that . That kind of love and total commitment to one person . Took my brother until his third marriage to find that . He paid me a great compliment within 2 weeks of meeting his wife for the last 9 years . They meet a couple of years before . He said he now understood what we had as he never had that before. He understood how hard it was when my husband died and since . He didn't really understand the depth of my grieve but he did now as he couldn't imagine every being without her and she is his only true love the other half of himself and she feels the same they make a whole . I did tell him finally he found someone who I loved . She is more than a sister in law to me .

Davey if your partner heard you say you failed her what would she say ? Bet she would tell you ,you didn't and how much she loved you and how much joy you brought into her life . Do not think you failed you didn't you gave her your total love ,caring , support , understanding and everything that you are was hers and hers alone .

I was born disabled I was prepared to die first but it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and died first . But not once did I ever think I failed him . I watched him dieing a bit everyday for 3 years but I did everything I could to give him the life he wanted . No one knew he was dieing until he became terminal. He didn't want anyone to know apart from me and the children. As he didn't in his words wanted to be treated like a dead man walking .

There are only 2 certainties in life we are born we die . The rest is up to us. Hold your head up high you gave your partner all your love and half of yourself and she gave you the same . Be proud of that ,be proud of the love and life you had together . This is going to sound harsh but you dishonour your love for eachother if you think you failed her. She sounds a very strong woman and would hate you to think you feel you failed her .

I am glad you have a nurse keeping an eye on you and hope you get a new mobility scooter soon. Are you in touch with the occupational therapy department as they may have things to help you in your home and out. Plus the falls department at your council can help as well.

Flat pack furniture is like a jig saw puzzle once you sort all the bits out and read the instructions it should go together correctly. Take your time putting it together and don't hurt yourself.

Sorry GoodafternoonTea very good suggestions . I joined various groups that interested me when I moved here . And this week went to 2 other classes one for 8 weeks the other 12 weeks run by my council. And they where fun. Going to Harrogate for 5 days on Monday for a hol. I stay in Premier Inn as they have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled. Who ever designed the rooms and shower room was either disabled or listened to disabled people as they are perfect for my needs . Travel lodge who are the same company have them as well but shower room smaller. But every Primier inn and Travel lodge have accessible rooms. Other chain hotels don't. I travel by train with travel assistance which is excellent. Can't go abroad because of being crammed in on a plane plus the steps to get in and the thought of going on a coach or cruise is my idea of hell.

Hey Whiff,
It’s really nice to hear from you. If you don't believe, what are your thoughts on reuniting with your partner?
I really hope you unite with your partner and find happiness forever.

I feel horrible about my partner's passing as I was her partner and should have protected her and I couldn't so as her champion I failed.
Things are moving now as I have the nurse calling once a month and a social worker is being looked for me as I need help with my mobility scooter as the motor is going, I don't need it all the time it's when I'm sore.

I've started building flat pack furniture as I needed storage space and all is going well.

Take care and blessings.

Sorry, to hear about your loss. Please try to get out walking or going for a bus or car ride each day and stopping off for a coffee and cake if you can. Sit on a bench and watch the world go by. Whilst, it will not replace your partner, it will keep you connected to this worlds. Also, set a menu for your day and try to stick to it. Perhaps try to explore some of the areas/subjects/films/music that were dear to your partner and enjoy what she enjoyed. Families can be cruel but you still have a life to live to try to fill it with things that make it go round.

I find feathers in the garden Whiff. Do they count do you suppose?

Davey sorry I didn't reply to you sooner. If anyone would take me daily medication it would kill them . I once read a murder mystery where the person was killed with one of my tablets. While some help with my health problems the pain is at a level I tolerate . Have been in pain my whole life and think my body tolerates more pain that it did 10 years ago . Because I am always in constant pain if I was suddenly pain free I would know I was dieing . Pain is just part of my disability and it's shaped me into the person I am . Because of my extended family and my husband I am a strong independent woman . The older I get the more militant I get for disability rights because I was denied them for 35 years. I try and help people with my experiences and not to make the mistakes I made and encouraged them to fight and tell them who will help them .

All my joints are damaged through falling all my life and I have a host of other things happening to me . I didn't get my diagnosis of what my disability is until I was 63 in 2022 and only because I have a neurologist who cares put me on tablets in 2020 that stopped my limbs jerks and 4 seizures after having them for 32 years with 2 weeks they stopped. Changed my life. And he had my whole genome genetically tested so know what I was born with .
Like having a cardiologist who found out I was born with hole in the side of my heart in 2020 and confirmed position in 2021 after MRI on my heart . I have rare hereditary neurological condition, paroxysmal atrial fibrillation and Osteopenia in my left hip. Took a move of over 100 miles to the north west to get GP practice that sent me to see the consultants . My old practice knew I had heart problems but didn't care had a neurologist who didn't help me . Healthcare is a postcode lottery.

My dad always said no such word as can't if I said can not he gave me a look. Because of my parents and all my family I grew up not knowing I was disabled as no one treated me as different even at infant and junior because all us kids live on the same estate they where used to me falling ,being in pain, having no co ordination. I was just me . Wasn't till high school found out I was different and bullied everyday for 5 years. While it was horrible at the time and I was a quite child also clever it gave them more ammunition. But I still went to school everyday I couldn't let them win . This was 70's when done of the teachers where bullies but not to me . My parents always said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me . Which as we all know is a lot xxxx . Words do hurt more that a push . I was never hit at school but one girl did stick a can't think of the name of it you know the thing that made circles it had a pointed end . But I didn't cry but glared at her and her stutter came back . With our English teacher they had worked to control it after that she didn't lose her stutter. So she got bullied for that but not by me but I had no sympathy for her as she was getting a dose of what I lived with. May sound cruel but if you know every day you are going to be called names and treated like xxxx then you have no sympathy if one of your bullies gets a dose of her own medicine.

Davey the blue orb was probably your partner our minds show us things to help us . She will always be with you in your heart and mind . When my best friends husband's died nearly 3 years ago I said have you found any feathers in your house she said yes but had nothing made with feathers . They are Christians and have a strong faith so said it was P trying out his wings . And it made her happy everytime she found a feather in her house she put it in a jar . I am an atheist have been since I was 14. But telling her that made her happy . Grief is painful both physically and mentally and if you have health problems as well it just makes things worse.

Davey I think your partner would be cross at you if you give up fighting to live everyday . She loved you and your where eachothers other half. I know you feel half of you is missing and in my experience heading to 22 years it never gets easier . But you found eachother and that is precious and so lucky to have the one person in the world that completed you and you her. I know who didn't spend everyday together but that didn't matter the love and total trust in other eachother is what counts . You both knew the real her and she knew the real you. I have swore at my husband,ranted at him for dieing and leaving me but I see him with his stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better now and I do . He loved Christmas and since I moved her 6 years ago after our grandsons have decorated my tree I see him standing by it .

I know it's a struggle for you everyday plus moving so quickly because you needed a bungalow,both of you being in hospital,her dieing and the pain you are in with your spine it hard . But you must live I know how hard that is but you have to live for her as well as yourself. You will find ways to cope with your grief but it will take years . And you will find ways to do what you want to do even when your body fights against you.

Have you been in touch with occupational health and gotten help from them . Unfortunately can't remember if I already said that . And make sure you get all the benefits you are entitled to the CA and the charity association with condition will help as well.

I have the National Disability Card it's £20 for 2 years but comes with host of benefits like money of shopping . Google it and see if you could use it . I wear mine on a lanyard everytime I go out.

Davey I can't say grieve will get easier and know you are in pain with your spine but your body will eventually learn to tolerate it . Sounds weird I know but our bodies are wonderful things and we adapt . You probably don't believe me but it's early days for you but one day you will find you can cope it can take months or years but never give in fighting . I hope you see other signs that you think your partner sent . And they make you feel happy .

As usual I ramble on but that's me . Just hope one thing I have says helps . 🌹

Immobility is a real problem. If you can't move around a lot, get your brain engaged with something. Whether it's reading, crosswords, watching good TV shows, you tube. Learning to knit or sew. Anything you can think of which will distract your mind for a wee while. I am 4&a half years now. Those type of things did help me form a routine and calm me for a wee while.

I hope you are getting a little comfort by speaking on here Davey.

I lost my beloved DH nearly 5 years ago and I am getting used it. I miss him a lot and some days it's bad. I find myself talking to strangers who didn't know him.

At the moment things are tough because I feel less support from my DC. They have busy lives but they don't include me in them as they used to. Another thing to get accustomed to as the DGC grow up and leave home.

Sorry you aren't well Davey. Try to get help for the sadness then perhaps the physical pain will pass.
Or the other way around!

I find going for a walk helps but if you can't move much that would be very hard.

I'm sure someone here will have suggestions.

Hi whiff.

Thanks for reaching out, at this moment I am ok ish. I keep thinking of partners family and the brother turning it into his thing as he loves control, but I'm getting back to me.
Early Saturday morning I woke around two am and turned on my back and in my peripheral sight I caught what I can only describe as a grape sized electric blue in colour shoot up from my right hand side head level.
I straight away sat up to look but nothing. Orb? But with beeping human we look for rational answers and I need to except reality.
Whiff I really think my partner woke me to see what I saw.
My love for her is undying.
I am also having issues with my health because due to me having that abscess on my spinal volume I was on really really strong pain killers and also morphine, there reducing me by ten milligram each month and I'm now getting joint pains like artheritis and bad in ellbows and fingers.
I need to no if this is reversible because I'm in pain. I was on enough pain killers that if you took one day of my prescription it would kill you I was slowly put on these as I was loosing sensation in my right leg and I could not get out of bed due to pain ten weeks two days to get me better and now this pain in fingers elbow I'm really fed up with life.
I really hope you are well whiff. Best regards and peace. Davey

Davey how are you ? I hope you are eating and drinking and getting some sleep . Grief is never ending and painful. Just take it a day at a time . 🌹

It's early days yet.

Not read all the thread but can you contact Cruse? They can support you.

www.cruse.org.uk/

Thank you for the responses they do help me.

Sorry for the loss of the lady you loved. Grief is exhausting. And pretty much sll of us experience it one way or another. So you're in good company. Hope you find friends to walk alongside in real life..take care .

Davey families and money . My mother in law promised her son when he was terminal that she would leave the children her estate between them . She asked me to go with her to make her will. It's was only after she died . I found out her wedding ring and engagement ring which she promised out daughter she gave to her sister in law a year before she died and she left her brother a third of her estate . Didn't know that until my son told me ..She left me £2,000 but I accepted as I didn't want her brother to have it . If she had been buried I would have dug her up and as my mom said left her on top . She was an evil bitch alive and after her death.

If your partner has left you something in her will accept it so her family don't have it . If you don't want to use on you people buy benches or have name of their love one put on it . Or give it to charity in her name .

Death brings out the best in some people but the worst in others . Unfortunately you are having to deal with the worst.

When I moved to my bungalow I didn't know anyone here apart from my children . But I hadn't had a life before my move I existed . My husband wanted me to have the best life I could . But I had decided before my move I wanted to join an exercise class and craft group. Which I did .

You moved quickly because you needed to plus grieving and still recovering from your operation it's no wonder you haven't made friends yet. But when you feel able have a think about things you would like to do . And Google things in your area. But only when you are ready . Carry on talking to your love she wouldn't answer but it will help you voicing all your rage at her family and how you are feeling about life in general. I thought if I didn't talk out loud to my husband I wouldn't want to talk . But taking to him daily makes me feel better even when I feel angry at him when the grief hits me hard .

Going through health problems at the moment on top of my ones I know about . Hopefully Tuesday the MRI on my brain and cervical cord will give me answers to what happened to me in January and I can deal with it .

Davey if you want a vent here is the perfect place as people will understand. Take care of yourself.

Hi all sorts.

I had no choice about moving because I had been in hospital for over two months with an abscess on my spinal column. Where I lived was 47 steps and at that time it was really very hard. But going fwd I have no friends here as it all happened in a flash and I'm in a strange place. I'm settling down a bit and its ok having a bungalow instead of a flat. As long as I have my photos I'm ok. My memories are irreplaceable some good and some bad. I'm in the angry faze just now about her family. I was arguing with her niece about them fighting over her money and the horrible thing that she is said don't worry you will get your share I went mad, I did not want a single penny. Evil family I'm sorry to say. The sister saying she put me in charge of her credit cards if so why was she searching for them. Anyway enough of them time will deal with them as no good comes from bad. I could go on telling you everything about them but not going to because I would be giving them air time. Thank you for getting back to me.

When my husband died I just wanted to be with him, this feeling lasted a long time. I kept going through the daily rituals but all felt meaningless. After two years on the anniversary of his death, my son and I scattered his ashes where he would have wanted them. Bit by bit that raw, gripping grief changes and you learn to live round that gaping hole left. I will always miss him, he is irreplaceable but am happy with my life. I get lonely, some times I cry, why did this happen to us we were happy together but some people never know that feeling of two making a whole and it was too brief our time together, 25 years passed so quickly. My solace was getting into nature I started doing walks, not marathons, then joined a few different classes. Sometimes I am lonely in a room full of people and can't wait to get home, where we lived all our. lives together, only now do I feel ready to move from memories here as I will take them with me. You were brave moving home and please try to get out as I said in my earlier post it will do no good staying in, pop in the local library and see what's going on.

Davy it doesn't matter if you where married or not . You where each others other half and together you made a whole . We where both lucky we found the other half of ourselves some people live their whole lives and never have that . It does matter if you are with the other half of yourself for a year or 50 . Whether you lived together permanently or not.. You where eachothers true love she knew the real you and you her and that is priceless.. When she died and went my husband died we both lost the only person in the world that knew the real us .

I think you are right and your partner loved you so much she didn't want you to know how ill she was . You both have suffered so much . And if you saw her leaving her body when she died you did. It was her gift to you . She was free from pain but she knew how much you suffered seeing her like that . When I told my husband to stop struggling and we would be ok he died within minutes. I think he was fighting to live and waited for me to let him go. Letting him go freed him from the pain he was in but I had to do it .. I never wanted to let go but I had to .

As you know the bone crushing grief is a physical and mental pain . But it's the price we pain for loving and being loved in return . But we are lucky we had that and our other halves .

I can't say the grief or the feeling of being totally lost will get easier as it's 21.5 years for me and it has gotten worse with each passing year . But given time you learn to adjust and find your own way to cope . It's not easy and it's painful . I am lonely but only for my husband. I am not lonely living on my own .

It's still also so new for you yet. Using a walking aid stops you from falling . I have used a stick since I was 29 . I would fall over outside without it . I even use it to go to my outside bins . I always make sure I have my phone on me in case I fall and need help getting up . Recently had a ramp fitted outside my front door as my left foot kept falling off the step luckily I always hold on the handle attached to my bungalow when unlocking or locking the door.

Your partner loved and wanted to protect you right up until she died. She loved you that much and wanted to spare you watching her died. But I don't remember seeing the exact moment my husband died I might had blinked and the was the moment he took his last breath. But I did notice the time 1.27 pm he died on a Friday. For months afterwards I watched for 1.27pm every Friday. I have no idea why but I did then I got to hate Fridays but it passed when I realised how ridiculous it was .

Davy people here not just on this thread but others on the bereavement forum help eachother in anyway they can . You never need to feel alone with your grief. And here you can say anything you want and people will understand. I have said things on threads here that I have never told people in person . But here it feels safe to be yourself ..

Take care of yourself 🌹

Thank you so much. I will come here. Thank you again

Your message is so detailed and wonderful to read, your a person to look up to as your wisdom is priceless. I'm seven miles from where I lived. We were not married nor living together my partner came down three days a week for nineteen years and we were inseparable when together, she went in hospital and I also went into hospital my partner with cancer which we both did not no till a couple of days before death, lots of scans. I believe she new but kept it to herself as I suffered with really bad stress. I was in hospital for an abcess on my spinal column and it was reducing the right led and making it week and the pain I was in was tremendous. I was in the hospital ten weeks two days and then I needed a walking aid, I still use one now through habbit. My partner phoned five times a day and I phoned her she even told a nurse she really worries about me. I was only out two days before she passed. I sat by her bed for nearly two days without sleep and missing my very strong pain killers and other tablets so I was doubling up when I remembered, I was on tablets four time a day all with powerful pain killers ie morphine ones. Well after doubling up I ended up hallucinating seeing a figure leaving away from my partner, a member of her family got me taken away as I might be dangerous towards them with me hallucinating so I never seen her passing. Maybe it was my partner because she new it would destroy me seeing her go. But I believe I saw her leaving her body I truly believe that now. People say the same but who knows

Hi Davey and all who have lost their life-partner . When you feel low and need to ‘unburden’ , just drop by.

Davey my husband's parents were vile. When he died his mother told people she had no son or grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings.

Took me 8 months before I got rid of my husband's clothes. My daughter did it with me . He always wore clean shirt everyday sometimes of a weekend he had tee shirts but he felt better in a shirt ..I hated ironing what with my husband,shirts plus the kids school shirts and everything else used to take me ages.
After he died I really missed ironing his shirts .

Don't know about you but people treat you differently as if death and grief are catching . I found male friends of us both if they offered to do a job for me their wife came to . It felt like I was after their husband to replace my husband. People you thought of as friends disappeared after the funeral .

It's bad enough your other half dieing but you suddenly have to make all the decisions by yourself and it's hard. Plus I remember wondering who I was now . In 2004 it was all paperwork and the choices where married ,single , divorced so I crossed threw them and wrote widow in big letters . Being classed as single I still hate and hated even more being addressed as Ms or Miss . Always said Mrs .

We take out memories with us . I only have 2 photos up of my husband on display my favourite one of him and our wedding photo. I never looked at our wedding album but when it should have been our 40th wedding anniversary I wanted to . Took it out of the box but just couldn't open it and just cried . 2 days later I did we where frozen in time 24 &23 but I remembered all the things that went wrong that day and it made me laugh. I haven't looked at the album since .

Moving gave me a home again but it's because of him . What helped in my old house my husband always sat in the same armchair but they are identical so here I don't know which was his . Because in my old house I saw him sitting in it with his laptop and files piled by the side of him . He had a study upstairs but he rather be with me even if we didn't say a word to eachother.

I imagine you feel the same way and did the same thing . And even if he was in the study it was comforting knowing he was there.

I had never lived on my own before once the children left I rattled round the house . I used to sit in thier rooms and cry . I needed them to go and live their own lives . I was happy for them . I just didn't want to be in the house . It was mine all paid off after he died . But it was ours .

Even though he was a pile of ash in a wooden box in my wardrobe I heard him every night dead on 6. 30 dropped his briefcases in the porch and shout hello Whiff I would reply hello Hubs. Hence my username.

I went to a bereavement group for the kids they wanted me to go they though it would help me . It was useless I was 45 nearly 46 when I went . The leader was married and done a 12 week course and the nearest person age to me was a man 68 the woman where all into their 70-80's . It was useless they talked about everything but how they felt . No one understood me . I stuck it out until the kids left then I could leave . Thankfully they never asked if it helped only was it ok..They where nice people but that's all.

It's hard being a widow but for a man it's worse as you are expected to be brave and not show your feelings. I call it the silver backed gorilla attitude. You are supposed not show your feelings and a man crying is well for me is heartbreaking.

When we could go to the drs again after lockdown I got talking to a man he was 87 and both him and his wife had covid he had it worse but she died and he couldn't understand why . He went in and we had to exit a different door when I came out he was waiting for me so we talked more . I couldn't walk away and wanted to hug him but it wasn't allowed then. He thanked me for helping him . I often think of him .

My brother and me know if mom had died first dad would have pinned away and would have been dead without 6 months . As he couldn't have lived without her .

I missed going out for a meal with a man and doing the shopping. But over the years looking after others I wouldn't had time .

Last year was the first time I had a holiday in 19 years but picked places I never went with my husband those memories are precious.

It wasn't easy but had fun and enjoyed myself. I was happy to get home . But I didn't dread going home as my husband never lived here. Plus I moved over 100 miles to the north west . I love it here it's hard but like I said before I and doing what my husband wanted living the best life I can . I made friends and doing things I never thought I would. But I had a lot of years to get used to being on my . Things are still to new for you but take it a day at a time . And before you look around a week has gone by then a month and a year. Then 2 years etc .

But grief and love will always be with you embrace it and use it to live . Trying new things is hard but you will when you are ready . Took me until 2018 until I went to an exercise class . Being here since 2019 I love trying new things and going new places . But it took me a long time to get here.

I ramble and never know if I make sense or not . Hopefully I have helped a little. 🌹

Welcome Davey, I know exactly how you feel, its raw grief but you are not alone, try if you can to just start by going out each morning for a walk. Your lovely partner would not want you so very unhappy. Can you volunteer one morning a week, come on gransnet, learn a new hobby. Having structure to your day will help. Five months is not long you half expect them to come into the room.. You will always have her in your heart, life will be different, it won’t be easy but you will and can make a good life however bleak it seems at the moment.

Is there a Mens Shed in your area? Where I live, there are a group of men with a whole range of different skills. Many are alone. Christmas is very difficult, one year I helped with the Salvation Army 's Christmas Dinner. In helping them, I was helped to feel better. Look for opportunities to use you cooking skills. Can you bake? Organisations always welcome donations to a fair, or bring and buy.
I think that you must try really hard at this time to engage with something. You know the saying 'keep acting until it becomes real'. When the winter comes, it can be very long and depressing. Take care Davey.
Ps I also had tears reading Whiff's post.

Whiff I really had tears in my eyes reading your post. To answer your question yes I speak to her as if she was here, I to mooved to a bungerlow after she passed. No memories of partner in here as its new. But the bed and sofa are the ones she sat and slept in. I have but a few of her clothes and to be honest it destroys me if I see them the same looking at photos. I do think I will look at them one day and smile. And I no its not nice but her family are toxic and did not deserve a wonderful daughter they used her up to her passing. But I want to replace those thoughts because I want a life thinking of my partner. Maybe one day I will forgive. I to will never have another close relationship again, just would love someone to go shopping with sharing a meal because I can cook, someone to spend Xmas day with. Relationship never. I have a little shrine to look at with photos and eventually I will put them into a memory box where I can leave a little message and thought. I hope I have not bored you but that's me and how I feel.

Welcome to Gransnet. I do know how hard this is for you. I am 5 years down the line from my husband's death. I miss him and hate living alone, but I do get stuck into various things that I enjoy and have made a new life for myself bit by bit.
In the early days I did contact CRUSE and found them very helpful.