Introducing myself

Hello, it's nice to hear from you. Grief is very tough. It does diminish over time, but it can spring back up in unexpected ways. It is very soon for you. I hope you can manage to get out as much as possible and try to meet others outside your home. It is difficult, but you will gradually feel the benefit. Most of all take care of yourself. Eat well too. It all helps.

Welcome this is a good place to start you will hear from others who are grieving the loss of someone special. As suggested by olderme try to get out and meet other people. Walking is good for your health mental and physical and an easy way to get to know others.
You have wonderful memories to recall and smile about I think smiling lifts your spirits too. Get as much sleep as you can, eat well preparing and cooking meals will keep you occupied. I hope the dark cloud lifts and you have nice days ahead.

Welcome Davey bereavement is a strange thing it can come and go sometimes you feel ok and other times you feel youre drowning
There’s a lot of people on here who I m sure you will relate to
Keep finding something to do and when you say you ve no one to talk to try a chat with strangers nothing deep just little snippets to chat about
March is only 6 months away so it’s very fresh
Have you thought of bereavement counselling it can help
Volunteering is great for men as well as women and it helps by getting you thinking about others and helping is a good way of dispelling loneliness and you do make friends
Good luck I hope you learn to muddle through like most of us are doing

I want to thank you for your kind words. [ smile]

I know you feel you have lost half of yourself. My husband died in 2004 aged 47. Together we made a whole we where each others other half . But I look at it this way some people live their whole life and never find the other half of themselves. We are the lucky ones we had that and that's why it hurts so much. Grief hurts physically and mentally.

I meet my husband when I was 16 he was 18 I am disabled and in constant pain but he didn't care he wanted me . We had 29years and married 22 together he was the fit healthy one but he had cancer and died aged 47. But we knew from 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years .

I am glad you talk to your partner hopefully out loud . I have done it since the day after he died and still do . I have blamed him for dieing and leaving me ,swore at him and shouted this shouldn't be my life . Then I see him with that stupid grin on his face . But every Christmas when our grandsons have decorated my tree I see him standing by it . Christmas was his favourite time of the year.

Don't fight your tears let them flow . Grief in my experience doesn't get easier you just learn to cope. But I call the first 10years early grief . Even now bone crushing grief can hit me out of the blue so I just let the tears flow .. I don't know if the rage and anger has hit you but it's part of grief and it's not wrong . The rage and anger has never left me but it's what gets me out of bed every morning. It hit me few days after he died.

I didn't want to wash it brush my teeth but I did . My husband was a wiseman and knew what I needed to get through everyday and it was a series of a promises . The main one I couldn't do until I moved to the north west in 2019 when I was 61 and thats live the best life I can now I do . Before I existed had both parents and mother in law to look after . My home became a house my husband was my home . But moving to my bungalow have a home again .

I can't say the grief will get better as in my experience it gets worse as the years go by and my husband has missed so much . He was looking forward to being a grandad we have 5 grandson's.

To me I am still a Mrs and still a wife my husband was my one and only true love . My knight in slightly tarnished armour.

It's early days for you and have all the firsts to come . But I have found even the 20th was just as hard as the first . February it will be 22 years since he died same length of time we where married.

For 14 years I relieved the last 2 weeks of my husband's life and death it was like watching a black and white film . I never told the children. They usually text on the anniversary of his death but that year my daughter phoned and it all came out how I felt she said I should have told them . She told her brother he said the same thing . But like I told them I was protecting them they asked from what I said me . So I vowed I couldn't do that again on the 15th anniversary I only allowed myself to be a sobbing mess that day.

I still hate the empty side of the bed. First 8 months I slept cuddling a toy snowman he won at our GP surgery. Hope this makes you smile . He won the big hamper on the cancer ward raffle he said I am dieing suddenly I win things . He was a bugger my man he could make you believe black white was black . But he was mine.

We are atheists so had non religious funeral at the crem . No flowers but we raised over £5,000 for the cancer ward but it was treats for the patients . Set a limit of maximum of £50 per treat . But some people just wanted a box of chocolates, bottle of wine or spirit ,one wanted some perfume.,fan etc That money went a long way .

You believe you will be together again and you will be . But I think she will be annoyed if you don't live longer . She was your heart and your everything but she is still with you . Don't rush to get rid of her things . If she had a favourite perfume or something that she liked the smell off always have it in . My husband had eczema so nothing that smelt. I kept his pillows even though they had dried blood on because they smelt of him . I used to wear his jumper . And always knew if I had a bad night as I woke up on his pillows. Whatever you need hold onto if it gives you comfort.

I had a coat of my husband's in the a plastic bag hanging in his wardrobe that and his jumper only things I kept . Will my daughter sent his clothes to the charity shop. The coat lost it's smell and went mouldy but I couldn't get rid of it until I was decluttering ready to move .

Sorry this is disjointed but it's how mind works . There is no rules for grief and no time limit do and feel what is right for you . And don't try and be brave I did that as at 45 what did I know of bone crushing grief. I was a fool .

I ramble on but that's me . You are not alone . You have people here who knows how you feel. So post want ever you want nothing you feel is wrong . I am lonely but only for my husband . I found after the children left home for good 2 years after their dad died . I liked living on my own . I didn't have to pretend I was ok. The thought of being on my own for 30 years scary but I have never wanted anyone else . Still love living on my own . But my husband lives in in my heart and mind and what gives me comfort is our children and grandsons carry his DNA weird but that's me. 🌹

Welcome to Gransnet. I do know how hard this is for you. I am 5 years down the line from my husband's death. I miss him and hate living alone, but I do get stuck into various things that I enjoy and have made a new life for myself bit by bit.
In the early days I did contact CRUSE and found them very helpful.

Whiff I really had tears in my eyes reading your post. To answer your question yes I speak to her as if she was here, I to mooved to a bungerlow after she passed. No memories of partner in here as its new. But the bed and sofa are the ones she sat and slept in. I have but a few of her clothes and to be honest it destroys me if I see them the same looking at photos. I do think I will look at them one day and smile. And I no its not nice but her family are toxic and did not deserve a wonderful daughter they used her up to her passing. But I want to replace those thoughts because I want a life thinking of my partner. Maybe one day I will forgive. I to will never have another close relationship again, just would love someone to go shopping with sharing a meal because I can cook, someone to spend Xmas day with. Relationship never. I have a little shrine to look at with photos and eventually I will put them into a memory box where I can leave a little message and thought. I hope I have not bored you but that's me and how I feel.

Is there a Mens Shed in your area? Where I live, there are a group of men with a whole range of different skills. Many are alone. Christmas is very difficult, one year I helped with the Salvation Army 's Christmas Dinner. In helping them, I was helped to feel better. Look for opportunities to use you cooking skills. Can you bake? Organisations always welcome donations to a fair, or bring and buy.
I think that you must try really hard at this time to engage with something. You know the saying 'keep acting until it becomes real'. When the winter comes, it can be very long and depressing. Take care Davey.
Ps I also had tears reading Whiff's post.

Welcome Davey, I know exactly how you feel, its raw grief but you are not alone, try if you can to just start by going out each morning for a walk. Your lovely partner would not want you so very unhappy. Can you volunteer one morning a week, come on gransnet, learn a new hobby. Having structure to your day will help. Five months is not long you half expect them to come into the room.. You will always have her in your heart, life will be different, it won’t be easy but you will and can make a good life however bleak it seems at the moment.

Davey my husband's parents were vile. When he died his mother told people she had no son or grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings.

Took me 8 months before I got rid of my husband's clothes. My daughter did it with me . He always wore clean shirt everyday sometimes of a weekend he had tee shirts but he felt better in a shirt ..I hated ironing what with my husband,shirts plus the kids school shirts and everything else used to take me ages.
After he died I really missed ironing his shirts .

Don't know about you but people treat you differently as if death and grief are catching . I found male friends of us both if they offered to do a job for me their wife came to . It felt like I was after their husband to replace my husband. People you thought of as friends disappeared after the funeral .

It's bad enough your other half dieing but you suddenly have to make all the decisions by yourself and it's hard. Plus I remember wondering who I was now . In 2004 it was all paperwork and the choices where married ,single , divorced so I crossed threw them and wrote widow in big letters . Being classed as single I still hate and hated even more being addressed as Ms or Miss . Always said Mrs .

We take out memories with us . I only have 2 photos up of my husband on display my favourite one of him and our wedding photo. I never looked at our wedding album but when it should have been our 40th wedding anniversary I wanted to . Took it out of the box but just couldn't open it and just cried . 2 days later I did we where frozen in time 24 &23 but I remembered all the things that went wrong that day and it made me laugh. I haven't looked at the album since .

Moving gave me a home again but it's because of him . What helped in my old house my husband always sat in the same armchair but they are identical so here I don't know which was his . Because in my old house I saw him sitting in it with his laptop and files piled by the side of him . He had a study upstairs but he rather be with me even if we didn't say a word to eachother.

I imagine you feel the same way and did the same thing . And even if he was in the study it was comforting knowing he was there.

I had never lived on my own before once the children left I rattled round the house . I used to sit in thier rooms and cry . I needed them to go and live their own lives . I was happy for them . I just didn't want to be in the house . It was mine all paid off after he died . But it was ours .

Even though he was a pile of ash in a wooden box in my wardrobe I heard him every night dead on 6. 30 dropped his briefcases in the porch and shout hello Whiff I would reply hello Hubs. Hence my username.

I went to a bereavement group for the kids they wanted me to go they though it would help me . It was useless I was 45 nearly 46 when I went . The leader was married and done a 12 week course and the nearest person age to me was a man 68 the woman where all into their 70-80's . It was useless they talked about everything but how they felt . No one understood me . I stuck it out until the kids left then I could leave . Thankfully they never asked if it helped only was it ok..They where nice people but that's all.

It's hard being a widow but for a man it's worse as you are expected to be brave and not show your feelings. I call it the silver backed gorilla attitude. You are supposed not show your feelings and a man crying is well for me is heartbreaking.

When we could go to the drs again after lockdown I got talking to a man he was 87 and both him and his wife had covid he had it worse but she died and he couldn't understand why . He went in and we had to exit a different door when I came out he was waiting for me so we talked more . I couldn't walk away and wanted to hug him but it wasn't allowed then. He thanked me for helping him . I often think of him .

My brother and me know if mom had died first dad would have pinned away and would have been dead without 6 months . As he couldn't have lived without her .

I missed going out for a meal with a man and doing the shopping. But over the years looking after others I wouldn't had time .

Last year was the first time I had a holiday in 19 years but picked places I never went with my husband those memories are precious.

It wasn't easy but had fun and enjoyed myself. I was happy to get home . But I didn't dread going home as my husband never lived here. Plus I moved over 100 miles to the north west . I love it here it's hard but like I said before I and doing what my husband wanted living the best life I can . I made friends and doing things I never thought I would. But I had a lot of years to get used to being on my . Things are still to new for you but take it a day at a time . And before you look around a week has gone by then a month and a year. Then 2 years etc .

But grief and love will always be with you embrace it and use it to live . Trying new things is hard but you will when you are ready . Took me until 2018 until I went to an exercise class . Being here since 2019 I love trying new things and going new places . But it took me a long time to get here.

I ramble and never know if I make sense or not . Hopefully I have helped a little. 🌹

Hi Davey and all who have lost their life-partner . When you feel low and need to ‘unburden’ , just drop by.

Your message is so detailed and wonderful to read, your a person to look up to as your wisdom is priceless. I'm seven miles from where I lived. We were not married nor living together my partner came down three days a week for nineteen years and we were inseparable when together, she went in hospital and I also went into hospital my partner with cancer which we both did not no till a couple of days before death, lots of scans. I believe she new but kept it to herself as I suffered with really bad stress. I was in hospital for an abcess on my spinal column and it was reducing the right led and making it week and the pain I was in was tremendous. I was in the hospital ten weeks two days and then I needed a walking aid, I still use one now through habbit. My partner phoned five times a day and I phoned her she even told a nurse she really worries about me. I was only out two days before she passed. I sat by her bed for nearly two days without sleep and missing my very strong pain killers and other tablets so I was doubling up when I remembered, I was on tablets four time a day all with powerful pain killers ie morphine ones. Well after doubling up I ended up hallucinating seeing a figure leaving away from my partner, a member of her family got me taken away as I might be dangerous towards them with me hallucinating so I never seen her passing. Maybe it was my partner because she new it would destroy me seeing her go. But I believe I saw her leaving her body I truly believe that now. People say the same but who knows

Thank you so much. I will come here. Thank you again

Davy it doesn't matter if you where married or not . You where each others other half and together you made a whole . We where both lucky we found the other half of ourselves some people live their whole lives and never have that . It does matter if you are with the other half of yourself for a year or 50 . Whether you lived together permanently or not.. You where eachothers true love she knew the real you and you her and that is priceless.. When she died and went my husband died we both lost the only person in the world that knew the real us .

I think you are right and your partner loved you so much she didn't want you to know how ill she was . You both have suffered so much . And if you saw her leaving her body when she died you did. It was her gift to you . She was free from pain but she knew how much you suffered seeing her like that . When I told my husband to stop struggling and we would be ok he died within minutes. I think he was fighting to live and waited for me to let him go. Letting him go freed him from the pain he was in but I had to do it .. I never wanted to let go but I had to .

As you know the bone crushing grief is a physical and mental pain . But it's the price we pain for loving and being loved in return . But we are lucky we had that and our other halves .

I can't say the grief or the feeling of being totally lost will get easier as it's 21.5 years for me and it has gotten worse with each passing year . But given time you learn to adjust and find your own way to cope . It's not easy and it's painful . I am lonely but only for my husband. I am not lonely living on my own .

It's still also so new for you yet. Using a walking aid stops you from falling . I have used a stick since I was 29 . I would fall over outside without it . I even use it to go to my outside bins . I always make sure I have my phone on me in case I fall and need help getting up . Recently had a ramp fitted outside my front door as my left foot kept falling off the step luckily I always hold on the handle attached to my bungalow when unlocking or locking the door.

Your partner loved and wanted to protect you right up until she died. She loved you that much and wanted to spare you watching her died. But I don't remember seeing the exact moment my husband died I might had blinked and the was the moment he took his last breath. But I did notice the time 1.27 pm he died on a Friday. For months afterwards I watched for 1.27pm every Friday. I have no idea why but I did then I got to hate Fridays but it passed when I realised how ridiculous it was .

Davy people here not just on this thread but others on the bereavement forum help eachother in anyway they can . You never need to feel alone with your grief. And here you can say anything you want and people will understand. I have said things on threads here that I have never told people in person . But here it feels safe to be yourself ..

Take care of yourself 🌹

When my husband died I just wanted to be with him, this feeling lasted a long time. I kept going through the daily rituals but all felt meaningless. After two years on the anniversary of his death, my son and I scattered his ashes where he would have wanted them. Bit by bit that raw, gripping grief changes and you learn to live round that gaping hole left. I will always miss him, he is irreplaceable but am happy with my life. I get lonely, some times I cry, why did this happen to us we were happy together but some people never know that feeling of two making a whole and it was too brief our time together, 25 years passed so quickly. My solace was getting into nature I started doing walks, not marathons, then joined a few different classes. Sometimes I am lonely in a room full of people and can't wait to get home, where we lived all our. lives together, only now do I feel ready to move from memories here as I will take them with me. You were brave moving home and please try to get out as I said in my earlier post it will do no good staying in, pop in the local library and see what's going on.

Hi all sorts.

I had no choice about moving because I had been in hospital for over two months with an abscess on my spinal column. Where I lived was 47 steps and at that time it was really very hard. But going fwd I have no friends here as it all happened in a flash and I'm in a strange place. I'm settling down a bit and its ok having a bungalow instead of a flat. As long as I have my photos I'm ok. My memories are irreplaceable some good and some bad. I'm in the angry faze just now about her family. I was arguing with her niece about them fighting over her money and the horrible thing that she is said don't worry you will get your share I went mad, I did not want a single penny. Evil family I'm sorry to say. The sister saying she put me in charge of her credit cards if so why was she searching for them. Anyway enough of them time will deal with them as no good comes from bad. I could go on telling you everything about them but not going to because I would be giving them air time. Thank you for getting back to me.

Davey families and money . My mother in law promised her son when he was terminal that she would leave the children her estate between them . She asked me to go with her to make her will. It's was only after she died . I found out her wedding ring and engagement ring which she promised out daughter she gave to her sister in law a year before she died and she left her brother a third of her estate . Didn't know that until my son told me ..She left me £2,000 but I accepted as I didn't want her brother to have it . If she had been buried I would have dug her up and as my mom said left her on top . She was an evil bitch alive and after her death.

If your partner has left you something in her will accept it so her family don't have it . If you don't want to use on you people buy benches or have name of their love one put on it . Or give it to charity in her name .

Death brings out the best in some people but the worst in others . Unfortunately you are having to deal with the worst.

When I moved to my bungalow I didn't know anyone here apart from my children . But I hadn't had a life before my move I existed . My husband wanted me to have the best life I could . But I had decided before my move I wanted to join an exercise class and craft group. Which I did .

You moved quickly because you needed to plus grieving and still recovering from your operation it's no wonder you haven't made friends yet. But when you feel able have a think about things you would like to do . And Google things in your area. But only when you are ready . Carry on talking to your love she wouldn't answer but it will help you voicing all your rage at her family and how you are feeling about life in general. I thought if I didn't talk out loud to my husband I wouldn't want to talk . But taking to him daily makes me feel better even when I feel angry at him when the grief hits me hard .

Going through health problems at the moment on top of my ones I know about . Hopefully Tuesday the MRI on my brain and cervical cord will give me answers to what happened to me in January and I can deal with it .

Davey if you want a vent here is the perfect place as people will understand. Take care of yourself.

Sorry for the loss of the lady you loved. Grief is exhausting. And pretty much sll of us experience it one way or another. So you're in good company. Hope you find friends to walk alongside in real life..take care .

Thank you for the responses they do help me.

It's early days yet.

Not read all the thread but can you contact Cruse? They can support you.

www.cruse.org.uk/

Davey how are you ? I hope you are eating and drinking and getting some sleep . Grief is never ending and painful. Just take it a day at a time . 🌹

Hi whiff.

Thanks for reaching out, at this moment I am ok ish. I keep thinking of partners family and the brother turning it into his thing as he loves control, but I'm getting back to me.
Early Saturday morning I woke around two am and turned on my back and in my peripheral sight I caught what I can only describe as a grape sized electric blue in colour shoot up from my right hand side head level.
I straight away sat up to look but nothing. Orb? But with beeping human we look for rational answers and I need to except reality.
Whiff I really think my partner woke me to see what I saw.
My love for her is undying.
I am also having issues with my health because due to me having that abscess on my spinal volume I was on really really strong pain killers and also morphine, there reducing me by ten milligram each month and I'm now getting joint pains like artheritis and bad in ellbows and fingers.
I need to no if this is reversible because I'm in pain. I was on enough pain killers that if you took one day of my prescription it would kill you I was slowly put on these as I was loosing sensation in my right leg and I could not get out of bed due to pain ten weeks two days to get me better and now this pain in fingers elbow I'm really fed up with life.
I really hope you are well whiff. Best regards and peace. Davey

I hope you are getting a little comfort by speaking on here Davey.

I lost my beloved DH nearly 5 years ago and I am getting used it. I miss him a lot and some days it's bad. I find myself talking to strangers who didn't know him.

At the moment things are tough because I feel less support from my DC. They have busy lives but they don't include me in them as they used to. Another thing to get accustomed to as the DGC grow up and leave home.

Sorry you aren't well Davey. Try to get help for the sadness then perhaps the physical pain will pass.
Or the other way around!

I find going for a walk helps but if you can't move much that would be very hard.

I'm sure someone here will have suggestions.

Immobility is a real problem. If you can't move around a lot, get your brain engaged with something. Whether it's reading, crosswords, watching good TV shows, you tube. Learning to knit or sew. Anything you can think of which will distract your mind for a wee while. I am 4&a half years now. Those type of things did help me form a routine and calm me for a wee while.