Funeral No Show

Thank you to Farmer 15 ,Lahlah65 and Secondhand.
The three of you have helped me alot. Yiu have put into perspective the things that I am going through at the moment. I think you understand what I was trying to say and you have changed my thought process on the way my workmates reacted.
Lahlal made a point of saying that these guys still are friends but probably not close friends. Theses relationships are not worthless though which is a good point too.
I'm not out of the woods yet but I am thinking differently now because of the three of you.It will take a while longer but I need to get back to start mixing with these guys again. It will be hard but I will do it.
I know when I can back back to work after my mum's funeral sone of these guys avoided me or averted their eyes is because they probably felt uncomfortable and didn't know what yo say to me .
I will make more of an effort to get back to normal with my workmates when I'm in work next week.
Thank you to the three of you again and a few others who made good points but I couldn't reply to them because I had so many messages.

I’m sorry for the loss of your Mother and that you are having difficulties coming to terms with your colleagues’ apparent indifference.
I’ve read through many of your responses and wonder whether the way you perceive you are seen in your workplace is the same as the way that some of your colleagues view you. You can’t possibly have the same professional relationship with all of your workmates.
Realities in life are hard sometimes, as your current experience demonstrates.
Grief varies from person to person and it is unrealistic to project your very real and personal expectations onto them. I’d be surprised if they weren’t picking up on your feelings and, understandably in my opinion, are at a loss to know how to interact with you. There will be a way forward, but, truthfully, it is up to you to seek it.

Farmor15 has echoed my thoughts in reading this thread, Seansean, about the number of people we count as true friends. Most of us have a small number of close friends - the people we feel we can talk too, and rely on to help us if we need it. Then we have a wider group of casual friends or acquaintances - those we would stop to chat with if we met them in the street, invite to a party etc. We know the names of their partners and their kids and something about their lives. But we wouldn’t share a secret with them.

Often when we suffer the loss of someone close, the effect ripples throughout our lives. Nothing seems the same - everything has shifted somehow. We often start to feel differently about all sorts of things and people.

I think this is what has happened to you - your position in the world has shifted and you are questioning all kinds of things. You’re wondering what and who you can rely on. I think it’s part of the grieving process and adjusting to a very different life without your mum.

It would be a real shame if you lost contact with this group of people that you’ve liked for a long time. You have clearly enjoyed working with them and come to think of them as friends. Which they are - but not all are close friends. That doesn’t make those relationships worthless - we need all kinds of people in our lives.

You won’t feel like this for ever - 3 months is a very short time after the loss of a parent. Just try to take things as they come for now and hopefully you will find yourself getting back on an ‘even keel’ - able to enjoy the company of all of your workmates but not expecting too much of them. Especially those who simply can’t empathise with your loss, or are frightened of upsetting you by mentioning it.

Try to find ways to distract yourself, and notice the small pleasures in life but be prepared for it all to take a while longer yet.

Firstly I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your mum.
When my dad died I was so hurt by who I thought was a close friend never contacted me, left a message on FB or on WhatsApp. She knew my dad and knew how much he meant to me. Yet people I had never met but became good friends with on Twitter went out of their way to get my address (from
My daughter) and sent lonely cards. Those so called “strangers” got me through that really difficult time

Seansean

Thank you Win...I appreciate your message.

Thank you Aveline.🙏

For goodness sake let it go. Just concentrate on mourning your mother.

Thank you Win...I appreciate your message.

Franski

Sorry this is so hard on you....and I am very sorry for your loss.....this was a huge bereavement and you expected the support typical of Irish community and culture..
I wonder if you could ask one of the colleagues who did come, for an honest view on why the others didn't. If it's normal in Ireland to have a good work turnout, there must be a reason that this didn't happen for your family. Whatever it is, sometimes understanding 'why' can help to process it and work it through.
Please don't continue to suffer, talk to someone who can listen x

I honestly think this is a very bad idea to ask them as in normal circumstances you would not expect colleagues to go to a colleague's relative's funeral. It is totally unrealistic to expect that. OP do you socialise with your colleagues outside work? Did they know your mother?
Did they socialise with your mother?

If it is no to these questions, then is very unrealistic to expect them to attend.

Normal practice is to send a representative from the company, the boss decides who goes and in addition it is usual custom for the colleagues to collect for a wreath. The company may also send a wreath. Some companies don't of course.

With friends it is different because you know each others families and mix with them too. but you are blurring the boundaries between friendship and colleagues.
Please start acting as you always have and realise you were expecting too much. They will hopefully be kind to you and consider you are grieving, but even that they may forget quickly, sadly that is what happen when we are grieving, the world goes on, and we wonder why everything does not stop, which is what we really want to happen. I understand, I have been there and at times wanted to scream asking how can you all be so normal and happy whilst I am grieving so badly. It is what is called life as we come to realise as time goes on.

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you can get peace within through this difficult time.

I m out of here I tried but he doesn’t want to know
Good luck Sean

Very Sarcastic mentioning my wife.

That says it all really, doesn’t it, BlueBelle?

Good luck to your wife too Belle

Good luck to your wife

helped and he is one of them. I am wasting no more time on him and he can cope on his own as far as I’m concerned!

MollyNew

Seansean

I know my problem may seem absurd but that's the way the brain works sometimes.

You asked for advice and there is no shortage of it here. It's now up to you whether you take any of it on board. I doubt you will as you seem determined to hold on to your feelings of being offended by your colleagues' behaviour.

I won't be commenting any further on this thread, it's too frustrating.

My sentiments exactly! I too, left the thread as far as responding to SeanSean was concerned. There are some people who, in spite of pretend ing they do, just don’t want to be

Thank you Farmer 15. That is what I was trying to explain to people about funerals in Ireland but alot of people didn't seem to get it.

You made a great point about who your real friends are and I realise now most of them aren't . I think that's why I was so upset. It's a realisation that those guys weren't there for me when I needed them.

Seansean

I know my problem may seem absurd but that's the way the brain works sometimes.

You asked for advice and there is no shortage of it here. It's now up to you whether you take any of it on board. I doubt you will as you seem determined to hold on to your feelings of being offended by your colleagues' behaviour.

I won't be commenting any further on this thread, it's too frustrating.

Ok BlueBelle. I wasn't expecting a backlash or people not believing me which i though is a bit strange but that's life.

I agree that in Ireland you don't have to know the deceased to attend their funeral. It's very common to go to the funeral or the "lying in repose" of a work colleague's parent or sibling, even if you had never met.
Also, contrary to what someone said upthread, funerals (service and burial) often take place on Sundays. Except in Dublin, I think, as gravediggers don't work that day!
In workplaces, it's not uncommon for someone to take a few hours off to attend a funeral- doesn't have to be the whole day.
However, back to Seansean- even if you've worked with people for 20 years, they may not be real friends. One measure of whether someone is a genuine friend is could you phone them at 3 am if you needed help? Most of us would have fewer than 10 friends like this.

Only you can change that Sean we can’t do it for you
I think all the help and advice is now exhausted and you will have to work it out how you are best comfortable with your problem

I know my problem may seem absurd but that's the way the brain works sometimes.

Most people's problems are of their own making. I know my problems may seem ridiculous to most of you but that's why I came on here to seek help . I know everyone is trying to help but It will take time.

My son in law was Irish and died too young so I am very, very aware of Irish funerals
Yes you can go into therapy for years …but… to be honest your problem is within you and should be shared with your wife to chew over and get over
A lot of this is of your own making taking things way out of context Why grieve over your work colleagues lack of empathy just why ? grieve over your mum not the lack of numbers it’s really really silly to be so stuck Was her family with her to say goodbye ? If so that’s all that matters

I keep saying that where I live you don't have to know the deceased to attend the funeral. You would normally go to the funeral if you know the son or daughter well .
The last funeral I went to was a three hour wait in line to shake hands with the family.
I don't know what it's like for all of you that posted your thoughts but that's the way funerals are in my home town.