Funeral No Show

Help needed

Hi Seansean, I'm sorry for your loss. The death of a parent is a traumatic experience.

Unfortunately, in my experience, some people just don't know how to deal with death. They don't know what to say or how to react. There are countless reasons for this and if I were you, I wouldn't dwell on it, you have enough on your plate at the moment.

I would take comfort from the fact that 6 people did take the trouble to attend the funeral and support you. I hope that you had other family and friends there too. Those people will be the ones who have more understanding of your situation and can be there for you in the long term. Best wishes to you.

Thank you for your reply. I just feel so let down because I thought these guys were my friends but obviously it was one sided on my part. After my mum's burial I was so angry that I just went home to bed while the rest of my family went for a meal. I just have so much resentment for these so called friends.

I'm kind of asking how do I deal with these colleagues. Do I just talk to them as normal ?
At the moment I just say hello I'm a pleasant way in the morning and only chat to them if it's work related. I don't go near them otherwise. I find it a bit lonely yo be honest but I feel really let down by them.
How can I go back to be all friendly and chatty like nothing ever happened with these guys.
It doesn't sit right with me.

TBh I wouldn’t have thought it at all usual for a lot of colleagues to attend such a funeral, unless they’d also been close to your mother, or been friends with her.

Please try not to take it so much to heart.

Did you ask them to come to the funeral? I would not go to the funeral of a parent of a colleague or work friend.
It would not occur to me to do so unless I was very lose to them and was asked.
Just be your normal self at work.
Your grief is not theirs and you will make them feel uncomfortable.

My apologies. I meant to say that I am from Ireland and it's normal for colleagues to attend a funeral of a work colleagues mother or father. If you work with the person you would usually turn up to offer sympathies at the church.

In Ireland it's probably different from other countries. If a colleagues mother or father dies you just turn up at the funeral parlour or church to shake hands and offer condolences.

Ah yes Sean that does explain it! I would not go to a colleague's parent's funeral unless they were a close personal friend. Perhaps the culture is changing a bit in Ireland? I'm very sorry for your loss.

If they all had turned up, wouldn't your workplace have to close? I think it's unrealistic to expect everyone to go to your mum's funeral, I'm afraid.

The funeral was on a Sunday and I wasn't expecting everyone to turn up but maybe 15 out of the 20

I have also known these guys for up on 20 yeaes

So sorry for the loss of your mother - such a sad time for you .
As for your colleagues, as someone pointed out, I think it’s a bit unrealistic to expect all 22 colleagues to attend. In this type of situation, they usually nominate one or two, to attend.
Don’t feel bad Seansean - you are grieving for your Mum and you are very sensitive atm . Look after yourself

Witzend

TBh I wouldn’t have thought it at all usual for a lot of colleagues to attend such a funeral, unless they’d also been close to your mother, or been friends with her.

Please try not to take it so much to heart.

I agree. These are colleagues not friends really.

In Ireland it's a big thing for friends and colleagues to turn up to a funeral even though they more than likely wouldn't know the deceased , they would only know the son or daughter of the deceased.
In Ireland hundreds could show up to the funeral to shake hands.
I'm just so disappointed with my colleagues that it's eating me up inside

Yes I have come to realise that they are not friends...only colleagues. It's an eye opener. I just don't know the best way to approach these guys anymore

I can understand you are upset but for your own sake it would be better to let this go or you will continue to feel lonely.
When you are bereaved you are much more sensitive than usual and have taken this to heart. Speak to your colleagues again and forgive them if that makes you feel better. Don't hold on to resentment.

Sorry this is so hard on you....and I am very sorry for your loss.....this was a huge bereavement and you expected the support typical of Irish community and culture..
I wonder if you could ask one of the colleagues who did come, for an honest view on why the others didn't. If it's normal in Ireland to have a good work turnout, there must be a reason that this didn't happen for your family. Whatever it is, sometimes understanding 'why' can help to process it and work it through.
Please don't continue to suffer, talk to someone who can listen x

Not many funerals take part on a Sunday vicars and priests are usually way too busy so that’s unusual I would not have expected any of my work colleagues to have attended my mum or dads funeral and they didn’t as they didn’t know them so why would they

I know it’s very different in Ireland I know funeral ‘addicts’ who seem to attend everyone’s funeral even if they only said hello once in the street but that’s not real is it ? why would you want people who didn’t know your mum to be there just to make the numbers up
Yes I ve had experience of Irish funerals and wakes and all the world and his wife turn up
SeanSean I think you need help with your grief which you are distorting by feeling slighted by your colleagues please consider getting some bereavement counselling it’s not really about numbers is it ?

My husband, born and bred in Ireland says a Sunday funeral is most unusual and he’d only expect work colleagues to turn up if they were friends out of work too?

The removal was on a Sunday where the body is in the funeral home and everybody turns up to shake hands and pay respects. The burial was on the Monday where only close family and friends would turn up.

Seansean

The funeral was on a Sunday and I wasn't expecting everyone to turn up but maybe 15 out of the 20

So which are you upset about the removal or the funeral ?
You clearly said the funeral was on the Sunday and that’s why you expected all your work colleagues to be there as on the Monday they d all be at work so did you really mean they should have come to the removal but not the funeral, maybe you worded it wrongly in your opening post
Which ever it was it’s you and your presence for your mum that is important and not your work mates who probably didn’t even know your mum.
Move away from numbers and get some bereavement help for yourself

Sorry to confuse you. The removal was on the Sunday and the burial was on the Monday .

We just call both days The Funeral.

In Ireland people can turn up at the removal to shake hands or they can turn up at the burial to shake hands. It doesn't matter which day they turn up as it's always nice for someone to come pay respects.

Maybe I wouldn't have felt so bad if some of my colleagues had texted me to sympathise but some of them didn't even say a word to me about my mum's passing when I came came back to work.

Do people here actually think its ok to act that way or am I being too sensitive?

Thanks for clearing that up Seansean
The thing is you can’t change others, if it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen, so now three months on you are still festering and causing yourself so much grief beyond the grief for your lovely mum
Please do yourself a favour let it go and concentrate on thinking about your mum and talking to friends and relatives that did know her, about how great she was, going over and over the negatives is doing you no good at all
You loved your mum and have wonderful memories concentrate on them and forget the colleagues they are NOT important in this story