Funeral No Show

I must admit that I found it odd that you expected your work colleagues to attend...none of my work colleagues attended my mothers funeral [ they didn't know her so why would they attend?]
A few offered verbal condolences but only a few whom i worked closely with. And I worked for the caring sector (NHS mental health)
Please allow yourself to move on and grieve in your own way. Dont let this contribute to bad feelings at work..

Well said BlueBelle, it’s a fact of life many folk just don’t go to funerals. My late mother in law did not even attend her daughter’s funeral or two years later her husbands. There was no animosity she just grieved in her own way on her own.

With respect Seansean what does your wife have to say about your reaction?

I am sorry for your loss - losing your mother hurts whatever age you are. I hope you can manage to let go your distress about your colleagues not coming to the funeral. It is impossible to know their reasons and the risk is that in your distress, you spend time feeling hurt and worrying in circles about why they did not come. You need, if you can, just to accept it and realise you cannot know what lay behind it. As you cannot know, it would be best, if you can, to avoid your own interpretation getting in the way of what sound to be otherwise good relationships. I am sure your mother would hope for you that you could let it all go and care for yourself as you grieve.

Daddima what do you find strange about this thread?

Seansean

Friendlygingercat...would you actually ask a team member are they ok to continue working? That seems crazy to me.

I must say a lot on this thread seems strange to me, but with regards to this question, I would ( and have) immediately sent someone home who had had any kind of bad news.

Also, talk to your Mom about it. (In your heart.) I bet she'll say, "It's time to focus on us, our eternal love, on you. Leave the worries of the world to the world. "

When I see someone speeding on the highway, my first reaction is anger that they are endangering everyone on the road. Then I tell myself, "But you sped to get dtr to help because her mouth was swelling from a bee sting." We never know what's going on in other's lives. They may not want to see their dear friend breaking up. Their families may need them. Funerals or entering a church might scare them. I used to go to daily Mass but now barely enter a church. I want to but just can't. A million reasons other than they don't like you. ...But I think I'll add, "So what if any of them don't like you! That's on them. It's much more impt that you like you!!!"

Some of us do not think.of funerals in the way you do. For me they are unnecessary rituals, and I do not attend them, even my mum's. I did go to my dad's. & actually arranged it, purely to support my mum. I will be having a direct cremation, and have instructed my children about it.

When my mum died I had a lot of beautiful sympathy cards and flowers from my friends, but not one member of her WI (of which she had then been a member of for 5 years) came to her funeral.
Upset me greatly.

Seansean I’m so sorry for your loss . I know where you are coming from. It was the same thing for me when my mum died . I had been with the company for over 40plus years when everything happened. Like you the people who turned up were genuine friends rather than work acquaintances!. Don’t take it to heart too much . Focus on the family and friends who do care .

I’m sad that you are feeling let down. However you cannot expect work colleagues to mourn your parent because you have known them for a long time.
Life is not like that for most people.

So sorry for your loss and I feel for you, but how could a company afford all 21 people you work with time off to attend? Also did they know your mum? Not being unfeeling as the loss of my parents was very hard,still is...but I did not expect my work colleagues,some of whom were also friends, to attend. I think you should enquire about grief counselling as this is affecting you more than it should I think.

Seansean,at my dad's funeral none of his nieces and nephew,nor his sister came,..my mum stood looking at the flowers they'd sent and was so upset that they didn't attend..I told her it didn't matter,the people who loved him the most are here...grief is different for everyone, think of the love between you and your mum...let the angst of non attendees go

Thanks for all your different takes on my situation. Just to point out that I have a wife and 3 kids myself but I have no friends really.
I'm ok with that as I like my own company but I thought I was close enough to these guys at work but obviously I was wrong.

Seansean only read the first page. Did the people who came to your mom's funeral loved her and love you if the answer is yes then that's all that matters. I wouldn't want anyone at my funeral who didn't love or care about me . I know funerals are a big deal in Ireland . Did you talk to your mom about what she wanted for her funeral?

If I had my way I would just have a cremation no funeral . When I told my daughter she said no she wants a funeral and it's her responsibility to pay for it . We are atheists so when my husband died we had non religious service at the crematorium.

My husband was a businessman and rented a factory unit with business partner. They employed 23 they closed down the factory for the day and all came with wives or partners . Plus clients from all over the country and friends and relatives. We didn't have a wake as we didn't like them or flowers but we raised over £5,000 for treats for the cancer ward that treated him . The treats where what the patients wanted up to £50. .

I was told some just wanted a bottle of spirit,fan , electric blanket or posh chocolate. One man wanted an cigar you could only get from specialist shop . But the money went a long way.

I am glad we raised so much money . But I would rather not have so many people..But they did all care about my husband and us . We had an unwritten pact we wouldn't cry good job as so many people to thank for coming .

Afterwards my daughter went to have a meal with her house mates from uni and my son went for a drink with a friend. I was happy to be on my own to cry.

I know you are disappointed but I think you need to let it go . And grieve for your mom . What would your mom say to you ? Talk out loud to your mom everyday it will help . I have shouted ,swore and blamed my husband for dieing . But then I see him with that stupid grin on his face have a good cry . My husband was 47 when he died in 2004.

My dad died ages 80 2007 just close relatives came mom wanted flowers . The only thing my dad said no woman vicar they talk to much . Both my parents where Christians but didn't believe you had to go too church.. Just me and my children and my brother and his at mom's afterwards for lunch.

Same with mom's funeral in 2017 she was 90 but at my house as mom lived with me last 18 months of her life..

I had kept dad's ashes and my brother and me scattered them by the river Severn by a hut they used to like to sit in . Some went down the bank and some into the river we mixed them together. As they both believed they would be together again.

My mother in law was catholic she died in 2015 aged 91. It was a farce her brother was executor and had requiem mass . Her body went from the funeral directors to the church them to the crem.

My husband,dad and mom the funerals cars all went from our homes . Which was the way it should be .

Seansean grieve for your mom and be glad you had a mom who loved and cared about you not everyone does.

I should have said I lost grandparents as well as parents but the ‘grand’ bit got missed!

Why should I give my time to those guys again that didn't turn up or even acknowledge my mother's passing. I have seen some of the guys looking guilty when I came back to work but they still wouldn't acknowledge mother's passing.

You say you work with 'guys'.
Perhaps it's a male thing, perhaps women colleagues might have gone to support you if you had any female colleagues.

Sorry if that sounds sexist but research does show that women tend to be more empathetic than men.

I m sorry for your loss.
Having read your post, I have to say that I see your relationship with your late mother as a rather typical one. You said you have no friends outside work, and you don’t really seem to have friends inside your work either.
This is a typical Mummy and Son relationship where you have revolved your life entirely around your mother. A very bad idea.
Sympathy is all very well, and I do sympathise. I have lost my mum too, and my dad, not to mention parents and many friends. Most of us have. The difference is, we see it as a normal part of life and we get over it.
I am being hard here, but sympathy only goes so far, and I intend to tell you what I think. You have two choices here.
1st choice - You pick yourself up and make an enjoyable life for yourself (perhaps cultivate some friendships in or outside work). Maybe join a club, take up sport, or collect stamps! You become your own man! Whatever floats your boat.
2nd choice - you remain a typical mother’s boy for the rest of your life, no friends and only yourself to think about. You mope about with no plans, nothing to look forward to and little to talk about. Your colleagues probably still won’t speak much because you do nothing that you could all chat about. What are they supposed to say?
Come on. Pick yourself up. Re-invent yourself. Be the man your mother probably secretly wanted you to be. Make her proud!

Seansean

Thanks Dee. Yes I feel like those guys didn't acknowledge my loss. Maybe some of them don't understand what loss feels like.

Yes, that's quite possible.

Or it could have triggered a sad memory for them which they can't deal with.

Seansean

Thanks Dee. Yes I feel like those guys didn't acknowledge my loss. Maybe some of them don't understand what loss feels like.

I think you might be right...some people are uncomfortable about death and simply don't know what to say or do. They could worry about upsetting you or saying the wrong thing.

At the risk of sounding judgemental...they may worry you will become emotional and how would they tackle that? If they are mostly male, well sometimes men aren't the greatest at dealing with a show of emotion.

Remember too that loss is a personal thing, we'll all feel and react in different ways AND there's no right / wrong way.

Thanks Dee. Yes I feel like those guys didn't acknowledge my loss. Maybe some of them don't understand what loss feels like.

How many counselling sessions did you have?

I had counselling a few years ago. It took me at least 3 sessions to settle because I was in such a bad place at the time. I didn't think the counsellor understood me at all. At the end of about 9 sessions I felt so much better.

Your comment about "I just can't flip a switch in my head" suggests to me that you may have unrealistic expectations of yourself. Dealing with grief takes time. It has taken me and my brother a good 2 years to come to terms with the deaths of our other brother and our dad.

Are you familiar with the 5 stages of grief? If you haven't already done so, please have a look at the Cruse.org.uk website. They have a wealth of information.

Don't blame yourself for feeling upset. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Please speak to someone, either a friend, a relative or maybe your doctor. All these feelings are going round in your head and tormenting you so you feel worse. It's vicious circle but you will get through it eventually.

Hi JaxJacky.
No I don't really have any friends outside work .Maybe that's why I'm so upset because I though these guys were friends

Thank you BlueBelle. I actually went for counselling but I don't think he understood what I was going through.