Funeral No Show

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www.ashfieldvoluntaryaction.org.uk/our-work/how-this-works/directories/bereavement/

Link to bereavement support and information as promised

So sorry for your loss Sean. I lost my Mum 13 years ago and it hit me like a brick. Dad died 4 years ago and my lovely big brother died in February aged 62. I have learnt that every grief journey is different but it is so very hard. The one thing I would say, is be kind to yourself, lean on friends and family, access counselling if you can and try to forgive people for being a bit rubbish around death. People don’t know what to say and end up saying nothing. Anger is a perfectly normal stage of grief. I will send you a link for information, resources and support which might help. You are not alone.

I was working at a GP surgery when my mum died.
Only one person said they were ' sorry for my loss'
My time off was an inconvenience to them.
Nail in the coffin time for me. I left not long afterwards.

I would have been extremely surprised at any of my work colleagues attending either if my parents' funerals. They are all nice people and may express condolences when they first saw me after the event and I was fine with that. Funerals are for family and friends of the deceased where we live. Not extended hangers on.

I, too, am from Ireland and remember lots of well attended funerals. Some of those people would have met the deceased only a few times - if at all. Funerals were a great occasion for some.

It is not the same in England where it is mostly family and friends.
It may disappoint my family still living in Ireland but for myself, I would like the most minimalist funeral I can have.

So sorry for your loss, and it’s understandable you are feeling sensitive that things you “expected” to happen didn’t. The fact that 6 work colleagues turned up shows people do care, perhaps they even decided it best not everyone turn up and maybe just some of them to represent the work colleagues. It may also be that some had commitments and they could not attend, and maybe they feel bad which is why they haven’t spoken to you about your mum, also sometimes people avoid bringing up the conversation about someone who has passed in case it makes you upset. Whatever it was, if YOU believe that these people were good friends before your mums funeral, then this should still be the case. I’m sure as time goes on they will find ways of supporting you, just don’t hold it against them… people have different ways of dealing with these things. As others have said, many of the old traditions are fading away, sadly.

I’m glad that you have found solace in some of the responses, Seansean and wish you well on your journey forwards.

The fact that you keep going in and on about it. Frankly it's just daft to expect your whole staff to turn out for your mother's funeral. It was three months ago. Let it go.

Artols....can you explain to me what I'd odd?

Grandmabatty. The removal was on a Sunday so the business would not have had to close.

MollyNew I must say I agree with your post. It all sounds rather odd the longer this thread continues.

It is unrealistic for a business to close entirely surely? Some staff going to represent the whole staff, fair enough.

I'm not sure why you have mentioned me regarding this?

Oh struth Grandmabatty, god help we put someone’s death before business for a couple of hours! 😡😡

MollyNew

Hi Seansean, I'm sorry for your loss. The death of a parent is a traumatic experience.

Unfortunately, in my experience, some people just don't know how to deal with death. They don't know what to say or how to react. There are countless reasons for this and if I were you, I wouldn't dwell on it, you have enough on your plate at the moment.

I would take comfort from the fact that 6 people did take the trouble to attend the funeral and support you. I hope that you had other family and friends there too. Those people will be the ones who have more understanding of your situation and can be there for you in the long term. Best wishes to you.

I agree. Some people just can't cope with death and funerals. It doesn't mean that they didn't care. My mum's best friend didn't come to my mum's funeral for that very reason. I quite understood her feelings.

Sorry Bluebelle - not sure how I missed your posts recommending counselling. Of course you are right. That is what Sean needs to do.

Sean - you really need to decide if you actually want to accept the absence of your work colleagues and move on with your life at work, while missing your mum, or not. You can't change the past and going over and over it isn't helpful. Consulting a bereavement counsellor could be the first step to acceptance, assuming you want that of course. It does seem from your posts here that you may not want to - accept and move on that is.

Hi Bea65
No I'm not angry that my boss didn't close for the day as the removal was on a Sunday.
Yes funerals in Ireland are a big deal.
The last funeral I went to I was 3 hours in line waiting to offer my condolences.
I must admit things are changing a bit now though as people are starting to text condolences... especially the younger generations

In England you only get time off work to attend the funeral of a close relative - parent, sibling, child, grandparent

OP my own brother didn’t attend our late mothers funeral..we never asked why…some people are just unable to attend funerals
I know the Irish culture..am 💯IRISH but raised in England so I know that in many rural villages/small towns shut down for a funeral and it’s arranged within 24/48 hours…which I never knew about .. my Irish family say notices are put on shop doors/garages etc stating funeral today …but now it’s put online as many people line the streets so they give traffic closures..
Are you annoyed your boss didn’t ‘close’ for the day?

Seansean, I am retired but I had lots of work colleagues who I would call friends, but once I had left, I soon realised they were just colleagues, not friends. Having a friendship with 22 people is hard to sustain. What I am saying is that I think you need to recalibrate your relationships with work colleagues. Concentrate on friendship with the six who did attend - and with your wife and family members. Just have cordial relationships at work. No need to condemn those who did not attend. You have to let that go.
And talk to your wife! Was she close to your mum? Are your children missing their Grandma? Focus on them now.

Seansean-
Thank you .
I just hear from one relative from the group who couldn'tbe bothered to come nor let me know .
We share a great interest in art and always have a great deal to share .
I must say that the others shocked me to the core .

Sorry for your loss Esmay. Thank you for your take on my situation. I hope you are ok now with your relatives.

My father passed away two years ago and it has left me with similar feelings about people as you have .
Many of his old friends had died or were too infirm to come to his funeral .
I delayed it as our Vicar was away and
some relatives were on holiday,
but said that they were coming . They didn't bother to turn up and didn't even let me know .
And the Christnas cards have stopped !
It's come as a shock to me .

I'm very sorry for your loss .
You will come to terms with the insincerity of your so called work chums .

Don’t let your angry emotions about non attendance of colleagues take over your loss of your mother- she’ll be watching over you and just take a breath 🙏