My brother’s Funeral

You must tell her.
Imagine her finding out later when the funeral is over.
Death comes to us all.

My DH died almost 5 years ago. I often feel his presence in a nice way.

I would be extremely upset if the death of a sibling was kept secret from me because I wasn’t well! Your niece I’d totally wrong to keep this news from her mother despite having kind motives.
I am sorry for your loss OP 💐

You have to tell your sister; it is quite possible she may find out from other family members or friends who would contact her assuming she already knew.
Not quite the same thing, but I was once told by a mother not to tell her daughter that her grandmother had died at Christmas as she didn't know, 'we kept it from her as she would be so upset.' First day back at school the child was bursting to tell me her news, "my Granny died in the holidays but you mustn't tell mummy because she doesn't know."

Do tell her, she will be really upset and this could knock her back with regard to her own health, but this is her brother and notwithstanding the fact she hasn’t seen him for some time, she deserves to know and to grieve. Just imagine how much more upsetting it will be for her to find out later.
No. She needs to know. And I think you are aware of this, just explain it to your niece who may not be thinking straight about this because she is obviously worried about her mum.

How sad to lose your brother, but it does sound as though there will be a sense of relief that his suffering is at an end.

I do agree with others on here that it is not acceptable to ask you to keep this secret. Would it be possible to have a discussion with your niece about this? I know it is not easy, but she has put you in a difficult situation.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have some good advice here. You need to tell her and as soon as you can, also go to see her too, if you are able.

Funerals can be live-streamed so maybe your neice could watch it with her mum?

I do feel she needs to know but also she needs to be able to trust you in the future.
If you don’t tell her and she then finds out she will not believe you about anything else.
If as you say she knows he has been ill for years ,she will be expecting/ anticipating that he will die at some time.
I do not believe it will set her back at all.
I am very old myself and we absorb such news as inevitable and we deal with it.

It would be wrong on many counts not to tell her.

Imagine the fall out when she finds out there has been a cover up.

She was clearly aware of his illness and imminent death, she is likely to feel relief.

-Aldom 🙏 I feel I cannot keep it secret - my sister knows about his cancer and that he spent the last3 years in a nursing home …
I don’t want to fall out with my niece but our family is spread out distance wise and my sister hasn’t seen our brother in decades altho she did send a card last year to him..this is causing me great anxiety

It would be completely wrong to lie to your sister and pretend he's still alive.

As you speak to your sister regularly and she always asks about him, she surely knows he has been ill a long time, has cancer/is very ill ? So of course she knows there's a possibility he would not survive. It will not be a huge shock to hear he has died; and you can emphasise your shared relief that his suffering is over and he's at peace.

When you've been to the funeral she will probably want to hear about it. It's a natural part of a loss, and an opportunity to remember your brother's life together. Don't deprive her of that ( or, yourself).

If she's very unwell herself, she has undoubtedly been thinking about her own .death. This is natural for older people as health fails. She may be glad of an opportunity to talk about that, express her own wishes etc.

Death is a normal natural part of old age; and by that stage of life people have undoubtedly dealt with it many times. It is healthy and normal to be sad; but also, to complete the circle by remembering the past, happy times etc.

Give your sister the dignity of treating her as your equal life companion .

I can only speak from a different situation, but which had similar circumstances.
My daughter was given upsetting news about a close family member and told not to tell me as the news would 'kill me'.
My daughter replied that she could not possibly keep such a thing from her mother. It would be impossible to have a normal relationship with me if she was keeping a secret.
I was told, it was a shock but we dealt with it. I'm still here to tell the story.
You need to talk this through with your niece and explain how she is putting you in an impossible situation. I'm sorry to hear of your bereavement. May your brother rest in peace.

Should add my sister is bedridden so she wouldn’t be able to attend funeral