My brother’s Funeral

Should add my sister is bedridden so she wouldn’t be able to attend funeral

I can only speak from a different situation, but which had similar circumstances.
My daughter was given upsetting news about a close family member and told not to tell me as the news would 'kill me'.
My daughter replied that she could not possibly keep such a thing from her mother. It would be impossible to have a normal relationship with me if she was keeping a secret.
I was told, it was a shock but we dealt with it. I'm still here to tell the story.
You need to talk this through with your niece and explain how she is putting you in an impossible situation. I'm sorry to hear of your bereavement. May your brother rest in peace.

It would be completely wrong to lie to your sister and pretend he's still alive.

As you speak to your sister regularly and she always asks about him, she surely knows he has been ill a long time, has cancer/is very ill ? So of course she knows there's a possibility he would not survive. It will not be a huge shock to hear he has died; and you can emphasise your shared relief that his suffering is over and he's at peace.

When you've been to the funeral she will probably want to hear about it. It's a natural part of a loss, and an opportunity to remember your brother's life together. Don't deprive her of that ( or, yourself).

If she's very unwell herself, she has undoubtedly been thinking about her own .death. This is natural for older people as health fails. She may be glad of an opportunity to talk about that, express her own wishes etc.

Death is a normal natural part of old age; and by that stage of life people have undoubtedly dealt with it many times. It is healthy and normal to be sad; but also, to complete the circle by remembering the past, happy times etc.

Give your sister the dignity of treating her as your equal life companion .

-Aldom 🙏 I feel I cannot keep it secret - my sister knows about his cancer and that he spent the last3 years in a nursing home …
I don’t want to fall out with my niece but our family is spread out distance wise and my sister hasn’t seen our brother in decades altho she did send a card last year to him..this is causing me great anxiety

It would be wrong on many counts not to tell her.

Imagine the fall out when she finds out there has been a cover up.

She was clearly aware of his illness and imminent death, she is likely to feel relief.

I do feel she needs to know but also she needs to be able to trust you in the future.
If you don’t tell her and she then finds out she will not believe you about anything else.
If as you say she knows he has been ill for years ,she will be expecting/ anticipating that he will die at some time.
I do not believe it will set her back at all.
I am very old myself and we absorb such news as inevitable and we deal with it.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have some good advice here. You need to tell her and as soon as you can, also go to see her too, if you are able.

Funerals can be live-streamed so maybe your neice could watch it with her mum?

How sad to lose your brother, but it does sound as though there will be a sense of relief that his suffering is at an end.

I do agree with others on here that it is not acceptable to ask you to keep this secret. Would it be possible to have a discussion with your niece about this? I know it is not easy, but she has put you in a difficult situation.

Do tell her, she will be really upset and this could knock her back with regard to her own health, but this is her brother and notwithstanding the fact she hasn’t seen him for some time, she deserves to know and to grieve. Just imagine how much more upsetting it will be for her to find out later.
No. She needs to know. And I think you are aware of this, just explain it to your niece who may not be thinking straight about this because she is obviously worried about her mum.

You have to tell your sister; it is quite possible she may find out from other family members or friends who would contact her assuming she already knew.
Not quite the same thing, but I was once told by a mother not to tell her daughter that her grandmother had died at Christmas as she didn't know, 'we kept it from her as she would be so upset.' First day back at school the child was bursting to tell me her news, "my Granny died in the holidays but you mustn't tell mummy because she doesn't know."

I would be extremely upset if the death of a sibling was kept secret from me because I wasn’t well! Your niece I’d totally wrong to keep this news from her mother despite having kind motives.
I am sorry for your loss OP 💐

You must tell her.
Imagine her finding out later when the funeral is over.
Death comes to us all.

My DH died almost 5 years ago. I often feel his presence in a nice way.

I'm another in the tell her camp.
Please tell your niece you are going to tell her though.


I think you have to do this.
So sorry for the loss - even if it brings peace.

I can imagine nothing more devastating and distressing than being told, long after the event that a close member of my family had died and I hadn't been told because I was ill.

This would cause me far more distress than being told at the time, however frail I might be. I would find it very hard to forgive the person who made the decision not to tell me - even though it was my own daughter.

I agree with all the posts here. You are in an impossible situation and of course it is causing you huge stress. Your sister does not deserve to be

in the dark about the death of her brother. What does your neice expect you to say when her mother asks after her brother? Your neice is being unfair to you and your sister, if she thinks she is being kind - she is very misguided .
Your sister expecting your call tomorrow, that puts you in a very difficult situation. Are you able to explain to your neice that she has put you in a very uncomfortable position? Not only is she deceiving her mum she is possibly damaging the relationship you have with your sister - that is unacceptable! I am sorry you have lost your brother and this stress is only compounding your distress.
Thinking of you and hoping you can resolve this awful situation. Keep us posted.

I would explain to your your niece you cannot keep this secret from your mother. Your mother deserves to know now. I am very sorry for your loss

In my post above I was so keen to get my point across that I forgot to send you my condolences, I do so wholeheartedly.
I am an only child and when I see the closeness of siblings I know what I may have missed.

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your brother. My brother died earlier this year and I was given the task of telling my 97yo mother. In fact, she took it better than I’d imagined, even though she didn’t know he’d been ill so it was a total shock.

You have to tell your sister, no matter how painful it is. Put yourself in her place and imagine how you’d feel to not be informed. I think you need to tell your niece that that is what you’ll be doing. She shouldn’t be in control of your relationship with your sibling.

Sorry like Usedtobeblonde I forgot in my need to advise to say how sorry I am about your loss 🌹

Please tell your sister .

A friend of mine didn't find out her dad was dead until a month later..She was heartbroken..He was in a home and had been told he was doing well. Her brothers decided not to tell her because they told her no one would want to see her at the funeral as she was an embarrassment. She was born with cerebral palsy. But her brother's where horrible and refused to eat at the table because she messy their words . Unfortunately her parents took the boys side and she had her meals in her room . But she loved her parents very much and put up with them making her go into her room when they had visitors.

She was broken hearted about not knowing her dad was dieing and then to find out her died. Her brothers where very cruel not telling her .

You need to tell your sister . If you don't she may never forgive you .

We had a similar situation in our family. If your sister is on end of life, then perhaps what her daughter suggests may be a good idea. If she is not, and otherwise expected to live for years to come, she will need to know. She won't thank you for withholding it. To what extent do children have authority over siblings and is the niece an only or does she have siblings. May be worth discussing with a trusted family member. My cousin went nuts with me when her sister died and her mother withheld the information and had told me and not the sister. But then again, she was a real firebrand and caused mayhem wherever she went. If you tell your sister, be prepared for fallout from your niece, but if like I said before, your sister is of sound mind, expected to be around for years to come and is only physically disabled, you need to tell her as she won't forgive you. Depends who you are closer to, your sister or niece. Good luck.

I haven’t told my sister and it’s eating me up inside…. Am not a confrontational person but now am experiencing stomach problems which are due to severe anxiety .. I have the dreaded pit in stomach feeling when I wake up …

I’m so sorry you are enduring this very upsetting situation Bea65. I think you should have a brief word with your niece and tell her how it’s affecting your health . Whether she agrees or not her mother needs to informed of her brother’s death. . She’s being unreasonable expecting you to keep this secret. A secret which will eventually come out 💐