My brother’s Funeral

🙏for your replies.. am still a bit numb and sister still doesn’t know😢

My condolences on the loss of your brother. This situation is making matters worse for you and stopping you grieving in the way you should be able to. I think simply, if you put yourself in her position, you will know that you would be deeply upset and offended at not being told at the same time as others. I think that if you were about to have a serious operation or such things, then there could be a case for witholding information for a short time, but other than that , I think it is very important that you are told as and when things happen, good or bad. We implicitly trust our families to keep us informed of things that happen in life. Once you find out that you have had important information withheld for even caring reasons, you would never feel safe or trust them again and could be constantly worrying about what you might or might not know. So do as you would be done by, and tell her. It will be sad news, but obviously not a total shock as she has known about his illness. Also you may be able to give solace to each other. It is YOUR brother and your niece cannot know about the bonds and connections that existed between you all. She is thinking very short term, but your sister has to know the news sometime and this would be the right way to both treat your sister and to respect the family ties between the two of you, without letting your niece possibly cause upset and hurt between you both. Perhaps after the funeral, you might be able to make a visit to your sister soon where you could get together and talk about old times with your brother and grieve together, which I personally feel would be comforting for you both. Hoping that you can resolve the situation in a way that allows you to feel less stressed and calmer

Bea glad the funeral went as well as funerals go. Don't fight your tears you are grieving and if you don't let it out you will only hurt yourself. Grief effects you mentally but also physically. And grief is exhausting people don't realise that . I didn't until my husband died .

When you can thing of all the funny ,crazy things your brother did and it will make you smile . Think of all the things you shared growing up and the never ending love you have for him . He is still your brother and always will be. Bet he had a saying for every occasion. What would he say to you when you are feeling down and embrace that . 🌹

Oh Bea that is terrible, so sad.

So we had funeral couple of days ago and niece couldn't make it and she hasn't told her mom/my only sister...

The service was lovely and the eulogy and music but i felt completely numb..my sister and her children were mentioned which i felt was appropriate but now

have woken up in tears this morning and can't stop...

It is hard enough to be grieving your brother, without this extra dimension.
Hope you are able to 'get through ' to your niece about the importance of letting your sister know.
And hope it all works out soon.

Please tell her.
But tell her daughter that you are going to do it on (say) Wednesday if she doesn't do it before.

I would be devastated if someone kept this from me, even if they felt I wasn’t well enough to hear it. It’s patronising and deceitful. Please tell her.

I’m very sorry to hear about your brother, and also the anguish this problem is causing you. Like others, I think that your sister should be told. It’s unthinkable that she might learn about your brother’s death from someone else. It may not be the shock that is anticipated if your sister has known about his illness and his situation for some considerable time. The only situation where I might view this differently is if your sister has quite advanced dementia, but I didn’t get that impression. My mum had advanced dementia. We found if we told her someone had died we had to do so repeatedly which was distressing for her. In the end we just avoided discussing the person who had died.

Wisdom from butterandjam as usual

Bizarre.

Yes I've also been in this situation I felt that I couldn't tell my father that a nice friend had died and worse his favourite cousin .
I said that the friend had moved away to be with her daughter .
Avoiding telling him about the cousin was harder .
I said that she'd gone into care and had a lot of trouble communicating .
He believed it as she'd started getting extremely confused and her voice was thin .
I faked Christnas and birthday cards from her.
I faked calls to the home and sent our love .
Imagine my disquiet when another cousin told him that he was talking rubbish as Joan had passed two years earlier!
He'd actually guessed and told me that he always knew when I'd faked cards in the past - actually from his grandkids !

I'm sure your niece thinks she's putting her mum's needs first, but do have a word with her - like everyone else, I feel your sister should be told.
What if someone were to ring her up, & mention it in passing? Besides her grief, she'd also have to cope with the shock that family hadn't bothered to tell her.

I’m so sorry you are enduring this very upsetting situation Bea65. I think you should have a brief word with your niece and tell her how it’s affecting your health . Whether she agrees or not her mother needs to informed of her brother’s death. . She’s being unreasonable expecting you to keep this secret. A secret which will eventually come out 💐

I haven’t told my sister and it’s eating me up inside…. Am not a confrontational person but now am experiencing stomach problems which are due to severe anxiety .. I have the dreaded pit in stomach feeling when I wake up …

We had a similar situation in our family. If your sister is on end of life, then perhaps what her daughter suggests may be a good idea. If she is not, and otherwise expected to live for years to come, she will need to know. She won't thank you for withholding it. To what extent do children have authority over siblings and is the niece an only or does she have siblings. May be worth discussing with a trusted family member. My cousin went nuts with me when her sister died and her mother withheld the information and had told me and not the sister. But then again, she was a real firebrand and caused mayhem wherever she went. If you tell your sister, be prepared for fallout from your niece, but if like I said before, your sister is of sound mind, expected to be around for years to come and is only physically disabled, you need to tell her as she won't forgive you. Depends who you are closer to, your sister or niece. Good luck.

A friend of mine didn't find out her dad was dead until a month later..She was heartbroken..He was in a home and had been told he was doing well. Her brothers decided not to tell her because they told her no one would want to see her at the funeral as she was an embarrassment. She was born with cerebral palsy. But her brother's where horrible and refused to eat at the table because she messy their words . Unfortunately her parents took the boys side and she had her meals in her room . But she loved her parents very much and put up with them making her go into her room when they had visitors.

She was broken hearted about not knowing her dad was dieing and then to find out her died. Her brothers where very cruel not telling her .

You need to tell your sister . If you don't she may never forgive you .

Please tell your sister .

Sorry like Usedtobeblonde I forgot in my need to advise to say how sorry I am about your loss 🌹

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your brother. My brother died earlier this year and I was given the task of telling my 97yo mother. In fact, she took it better than I’d imagined, even though she didn’t know he’d been ill so it was a total shock.

You have to tell your sister, no matter how painful it is. Put yourself in her place and imagine how you’d feel to not be informed. I think you need to tell your niece that that is what you’ll be doing. She shouldn’t be in control of your relationship with your sibling.

In my post above I was so keen to get my point across that I forgot to send you my condolences, I do so wholeheartedly.
I am an only child and when I see the closeness of siblings I know what I may have missed.

I would explain to your your niece you cannot keep this secret from your mother. Your mother deserves to know now. I am very sorry for your loss

I agree with all the posts here. You are in an impossible situation and of course it is causing you huge stress. Your sister does not deserve to be

in the dark about the death of her brother. What does your neice expect you to say when her mother asks after her brother? Your neice is being unfair to you and your sister, if she thinks she is being kind - she is very misguided .
Your sister expecting your call tomorrow, that puts you in a very difficult situation. Are you able to explain to your neice that she has put you in a very uncomfortable position? Not only is she deceiving her mum she is possibly damaging the relationship you have with your sister - that is unacceptable! I am sorry you have lost your brother and this stress is only compounding your distress.
Thinking of you and hoping you can resolve this awful situation. Keep us posted.

I can imagine nothing more devastating and distressing than being told, long after the event that a close member of my family had died and I hadn't been told because I was ill.

This would cause me far more distress than being told at the time, however frail I might be. I would find it very hard to forgive the person who made the decision not to tell me - even though it was my own daughter.

I'm another in the tell her camp.
Please tell your niece you are going to tell her though.


I think you have to do this.
So sorry for the loss - even if it brings peace.